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CARLISLE
Carlisle could not believe marriage could feel so normal and comfortable. They spent so much time trying to fit into a routine and get to know each other that he didn't even realize they didn't go out. The plane ride had been a test to see if she could trust him and to see just what her limitations might be.
But even knowing what he knew, he didn’t want to give up the evenings he was growing to enjoy of sitting with her and watching whatever funny reality shows were on.
He fell into the complacency of ignoring his past. The perfect moment never came that he could tell her. He didn’t have criteria for that perfect moment, but he was sure he would know it when it came.
Ever since the blindfold kiss, he had sporadically kissed her on the cheek and on the forehead here and there. Her skittishness diminished more and more as the days went by until she was leaning her cheek into him for a kiss.
Carlisle thought he would be more nervous and less comfortable in the situation. While he really was enjoying getting to know her, and their flirting was simple and direct, he was so scared she wouldn't feel the same way about him if she knew he'd been in jail.
He’d asked her to trust him, but did he trust her enough to share that with her? If he didn’t trust her, then what was he doing?
He had to resolve to say something. He had to fix the situation because inside he was completely torn up. He wanted her to know his real first name wasn't Carlisle. She hadn’t said anything about his profile being titled with Jonathan Carlisle, but he had a feeling it was because she thought he had done a dummy profile.
He and Colin had created Carlisle Smith to create someone who would have a better time of going out into the world. He was still Jonathan and he didn’t want to hide who he was from Shandie. Not when he was starting to fall for her. He would love to hear his real name come out of Shandie's mouth. If nothing else, though, he wasn't worried, because he was used to being called Carlisle.
Over dinner a couple weeks after they'd been married, Carlisle watched her as she ate the linguine he'd made. He wanted to say something. He wanted to tell her that the marriage certificate he'd turned in as part of his job with ClickandWed actually said Jonathan Carlisle was married to Shandie Watson. But he kept his mouth shut because she kept glancing at him as she would slurp the noodles up and giggle when one would touch her nose or slap down onto her chin. He didn't want to break that moment. And maybe, just maybe, it was okay if he didn't tell her. What would it hurt?
But the next morning, his past caught up to him as well as the decision to not say anything.
After climbing out of the shower, Carlisle walked down the stairs, towel-drying his hair. “Shandie, did you happen to see where my cologne got to? I can't find it in that huge bathroom of yours.” He still hadn't asked her if he could have his own drawer. He’d just assumed meshing his things with hers would be fine but that had been a mistake. For a woman who never left the house, Shandie sure liked to collect her toiletries and cosmetics.
Carlisle came to a stop. He slowly lowered the towel and ran his fingers through his hair. What was Bill Norman doing in Shandie’s house? And why was Shandie shooting wary glances between Carlisle and their guest?
Bill’s booming voice made Shandie jump and she edged backwards from his imposing form. He smiled at Carlisle, and strode toward him, his long legs eating up the short distance. “Jonathan Carlisle! You're a hard man to find. I heard you got married from Maurice down at the gym, but I didn't realize you would leave your apartment and everything without a forwarding address. Good thing you aren’t still on parole.” Bill was a large man and his vocation as parole officer fit him more than anything else could – even more than his name.
Reaching Carlisle, Bill clasped his meaty hand around Carlisle's less-than-enthusiastically extended one. Bill pulled Carlisle into a hug, and as uncomfortable as the situation was, Carlisle was glad to see his old friend.
Glancing over Bill’s shoulder, Carlisle winced at the suspicion and distrust shadowing Shandie's gaze.
Carlisle genuinely liked Bill, but what an inopportune time to show up in someone's life. Hopefully, Shandie would let him explain. He needed to be able to explain the crazy terms she was hearing about him – different name, parole, parole officer, it was all a lot to take in when you already had a problem trusting people.
He put on a façade, though, acting like he wasn’t bothered and patted Bill’s back. “It's nice to see you, man.” Carlisle nodded toward Shandie, his smile broad. “Yeah, I got married to Shandie. She's pretty amazing. Forgives all my shortcomings.” Carlisle tried sending her the message with his gaze but she wouldn’t meet his eyes.
His wife – he would never get used to that! – smiled, crossing her arms over her waist. She side-stepped from the front door and nodded jerkily. “I need to make a phone call, if you’ll excuse me. It was nice meeting you, Bill.” She smiled brightly and all but ran into the kitchen.
Carlisle was proud of her for holding it together. He could sense her anxiety mounting as her lower lip had trembled in the space of time between speaking and smiling.
She was probably freaking out about someone unknown being uninvited and in her home. Who knew what else was bothering her? He was trying to figure each facet of her personality out and unfortunately, they hadn’t been together long enough to identify everything that caused her anxiety.
He waited until she left the room and then motioned for Bill to join him on the couch. They sat and he and Bill caught up for a little bit. Carlisle smiled when the man stood. “Leaving so soon?” Part of him wanted Bill to leave immediately. But another part, the part that recognized anger in Shandie's eyes knew that the sooner Bill left, the sooner Carlisle was going to get flayed alive. He wasn’t looking forward to that one.
Bill slapped his hand on his thigh and started to rebutton his coat he hadn’t taken off. “Yeah, I was in the neighborhood because I had to check in on a new parolee who wasn’t answering the phone at his mother’s house. I heard you were over this way, so I thought I'd stop in. You need to make sure you call your mom more often. She was the one who told me exactly where you were.”
Dread sent a chill over Carlisle. “Did you tell her I was married?” He hadn’t told his mom that, just that he was moving to a house instead of an apartment. She’d been thrilled. He couldn’t tell her yet. His life in Sandpoint was separate from his life with his parents. He had to protect them in case he botched up his relationship with Shandie.
Laughing, Bill shook his head. “No, man, I just said I hadn’t talked to you in a while and wondered if she knew where you had been.”
The panic he’d tried to smother culled enough he could breathe normally. He laughed awkwardly. “Got it. I've been warned.” Carlisle shook Bill’s hand again before letting the man out.
Carlisle closed the door and leaned back against the panel, glancing towards the kitchen where he knew deep down in his heart that there was a disappointed woman waiting for him. Did he want to face that? Did he want to accept that he’d let her down? He could’ve avoided this, if he’d just told her. He thunked his head against the wood and shut his eyes tight, squeezing his eyelids as if that would help him turn back time.
There was no going back. He could only go forward. He’d learned that during the trial. He accepted the plea bargain to help save Mariah and that was where he’d left it. He had no idea where she ended up or even if it helped her future, but he’d done it anyway.
Facing Shandie after an omission that huge was going to be harder than facing his parents. He waited a few minutes before opening his eyes. The silence thundered around him. Why wasn’t she yelling at him or coming to see what that was all about?
He took a deep breath and made himself walk into the kitchen. He pasted on a smile like nothing was wrong and found her on the other side of the island. He rested his hand on the cool granite. “Thanks for letting him in. I know that was hard for you. He's a really good guy. I can't believe he's still single. Maybe we should recommend ClickandWed to him.” He smiled brightly, as if his jokes would make up for the fact that he had lied irrevocably to her. If he ignored the lying, maybe she would, too.
“How do you know him?” Shandie jumped right into it. She didn't wait, and when he rounded the island to get closer to her, she mirrored him by making sure she kept the large counter between them. When he moved, she moved.
Carlisle furrowed his brow. He’d been prepared for fighting and for her to be upset but the spark of fear in her eyes seemed unprecedented after all they’d been through. “He's my parole officer.” He shook his head. “No, I mean he was my parole officer since I'm no longer on parole.” He kept his tone light as he gauged her reaction to his revelations.
She didn’t say anything, just watched him.
His chest rose up and down and he tried hiding his nerves. Now that she knew, was the fear in her eyes because someone was in the house?
Or was that fear because of him?
