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SHANDIE
I wasn’t surprised I hadn’t slept at all. Even with all of my tossing and turning, I still didn't know what to do to fix things with Carlisle.
Where would I go? Would I be able to leave? I didn’t think so but a huge part of me – the part that loved him – desperately hoped I could do it. I needed the safety of my routine to think. Even bleary eyed, I went through the daily motions of getting ready for the day before I could text Colin. I recognized procrastination when I saw it, when I was doing it, but too many factors played against me. I needed the control of routine.
Plus, I also couldn't help but think maybe Carlisle needed a little bit of time to cool off, too, contrary to the evidence that he hadn’t even been angry. Yes, I could definitely see that I was just trying to push off the inevitable, like when I stood at the door talking myself into going to the office.
Finally, I couldn’t find anything else to do and with my coffee in hand, I texted Colin. Do you know where he could’ve gone? I didn’t need to name him. She knew.
Her text came back in seconds and I grimaced at her reply. He went to Coeur d’Alene, to his parents’ place. She even texted me his address.
I needed to wake up. And I couldn’t just climb out of bed because I had already done that.
No, I needed to wake up and acknowledge my limitations. How was I going to be able to hunt Carlisle down and face him head-on in whatever environment he was in? Would I be able to face my fears? At least enough to the point where I could go out and save my relationship with Carlisle.
While I knew I could, and most likely would, be afraid forever, there were some things worth facing fears for.
Carlisle was the type of man who would put his own future at risk just to take care of and protect someone who, let's be honest, most likely didn't deserve to be saved.
I could accept the fact that my condition was chronic and permanent. There was no cure. I understood that. But what I also understood was that it was treatable and as long as I had control over the situation as much as I possibly could, I had the power to lessen my anxiety. So right then, I needed to take control of the fact that I could be afraid forever and that didn’t have to stop me from facing it.
All the time.
I pulled my legs onto the couch and wrapped my arms around my knees. No, this mounting anxiety wasn’t something I would be able to fight long or even often, but I could do it for the really important things.
And Carlisle was the most important thing.
I loved him. I had hurt him. I hurt him bad. My words replayed in my mind and I winced every time I heard my screechy accusations. I didn't give him a chance to speak up for himself because I just jumped to conclusions – almost like I was looking for a reason to hate him. What had I done?
Is that what I was doing? Was I trying to protect myself? Well, I hadn’t done a good job of that. I needed Carlisle. If I wanted to protect myself, I needed to make sure he was in my life. I needed my husband back.
Husband. I was married and I sure hoped I could keep it that way.
Coeur d’Alene would take forty-five minutes to an hour to drive there in the summer. Autumn, with hunters going all over the roads, I could plan on more time. The roads weren’t always the best that time of year. I also didn’t want to own the fact that I wasn’t the best driver with my history of rarely leaving the house.
I could already feel myself trying to back out of doing what I needed to do, what I wanted to do. I had to mentally flip the switch and address the issues I was bringing. The days had been clear and there wasn’t any substantial freezing yet, just lots of rain when the clouds did show up. I could get to Coeur d’Alene, but what would I do when I got there?
Obviously, apologize was on the menu. I needed to fix what I’d done. He needed to hear me apologize to him and doing it by phone – although vastly preferable – wasn’t going to be good enough.
I could at least be honest with myself about that. That had to be improvement, right? I could see my faults for what they were – conquerable, even if only temporarily.
Carlisle, you better be ready. I could do it. I could fix it. I was a computer programmer. When I was feeling spunky and wanted to feel like a ninja about something, I could refer to myself as a hacker. I’d have to ignore the fact that I followed every rule and didn’t like to take too brazen of risks.
I moved from the couch to stand at the window. What would make a difference to him? What would show him he was important to me, short of going to the movies and sitting at some concert? I wanted him to know how important he was, but I didn’t want to be a brat while we were doing it. What could I do and still have slight control over the situation?
His airplane trip had been spectacular. He’d thought out so much of what he could do for me. His efforts had been more than apparent and I think that was when he’d sealed his spot in my heart. Carlisle had tried to get me out into the world according to my guidelines. Even my parents hadn’t thought out of the box to do that.
I tightened my jaw. I was going to figure something out. I wanted my husband back.
It was ninja time.
Normally, I had a hard time finding things to be a ninja about when I was stuck in my home and the only things I could really hurt myself with was the stove or the curling iron.
I took a deep breath. I had this. I might need to call into my therapist and see if I could get another bottle of Xanax.
I would add that to my to-do list.
