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“WHY DID YOU INVITE Christopher when you don’t have time to get things ready for him?” I said, looking at Kenzie’s multicolored shopping grid.
“Because I’m counting on you to help me. I’ve listed everything by store section and ordered the berry pie so all you have to do is pick up items and pay. You like pie.”
“I like your homemade pie, not store bought pie. The bottom crust is always raw with a glue-like texture. Send your horrible brother to buy groceries. I can’t believe you invited him when he’s been torturing me.”
“It’s better to have him on good terms with us, Maddie. Otherwise...”
“Otherwise, he’ll put a claim on the house, I know. I reserve the right to stab him if he gets within five feet of me. Your extensive planning does not bode well. Christopher will think we have nice meals every night and be very disappointed when he learns the truth.”
“Stop looking for excuses. You should be able to get the shopping done within an hour.”
“In ordinary circumstances, but I’ll have to go in stealth mode to avoid Abel.”
“At least we agree on that: stay away from him. He can cause problems if he gets angry.”
“How did we come to exist in perpetual fear of extortion? It’s not too late to cancel.”
“Don’t make substitutions. Call if you become flummoxed.”
“I was born flummoxed. Luckily, I have my very own live-in therapist.”
“No, you have a live-in sister.” Kenzie rubbed her forehead. “Thanks for helping, Mad.”
* * * *
THE CITIZENS OF COYOTE Run were still treating me like a celebrity, and I talked to anyone nearby so I’d have blockades if Abel appeared. The owner of the wine shop gave me a bottle of cabernet, saying, “This is for rescuing Eileen Wainwright. I would have hated losing her monthly order for Amaretto.”
“Glad to oblige. Could I trade this wine in for a six-pack of beer?”
She said, “You’re so funny!” I didn’t see how, but was glad for the beer anyway.
The girl at the flower stand helped me find a bouquet of hydrangeas in Kenzie’s favorite blue. The pie wasn’t ready, so I visited the veterinary clinic. Dawg was putting together a complicated order of medicine for a man with a senior border collie. While they reviewed dose directions, I went to Dawg’s mutt, who’d raised his head and snuffled. Crouched behind the reception counter, I saw a sleeping bag shoved under the desk. Heather must have thrown Dawg out again.
“Hey, Gizmo, it’s me.” I picked him up and Dawg said, “Let him sleep, Maddie.”
“He’s fine, Dawg.” I let Gizmo nestle against me and scratched under his neck. “He’s telling me about a dream he had about hot dogs.”
Dawg gave an odd smile. While he bagged the medications, I carried Gizmo over to the poster of dog breeds and whispered, “We need a category for Wirehaired Scruffilous dog.”
The customer asked several questions and Dawg was uncharacteristically brusque. As soon as the customer left, Dawg hurried to me. “Gizmo’s been grousing lately and I don’t want him to nip at you.”
I scratched the mutt’s back before handing him over. “Is Ben free? I wanted to say hi.”
“He’s with the tech. They should be done in a minute.” Dawg took his dog back to the pillow behind the reception desk. “I’ve seen your brother a few times. He’s pretty entertaining.”
“He can be on a selective basis. He mentioned going to the casino.”
“Poor guy couldn’t catch a break. He was talking about starting a card counting team, and I was like, ‘Dude, you have to be a math genius to count cards,’ and he said, ‘or maybe a mind-reader.’”
My shoulders contracted toward my spine. “The house always wins, Dawg.”
“Raymond said the sheriff ‘assaulted’ him. I got the impression there was more to the story, because Olly’s cool for a cop. Guess you and him are spending lot of time together with the Midnight Runners.”
“The Dutch Shepherd is a dream, so the challenge is teaching someone with zero dog experience to be a handler. Now, if you would put down the doobie every now and then, Dawg, you could build up your lung capacity to be a great tracker. Think about it.”
He laughed hrr, hrr, hrr, and said, “Has Ollie gotten any farther on the case of that woman who was killed?”
“I have no frigging idea. Is it okay if I go back now?”
“Sure, let me tell Doc Ben you’re coming.”
Dawg picked up the phone as I went through to the big room at the back with recovery crates and an operating table. Ben was washing his hands and his new tech guy introduced himself and left for lunch.
“We must be on the same wavelength, Maddie. I was just going to call you and invite you for drinks with me and Ava. The kids are with their grandparents and she wants to meet you and get an insider’s view of the town.”
“Wish I could. Kenzie’s boyfriend is coming to dinner for the first time. My brother will be there. Why don’t you and Ava join us?”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.”
“Ben, we always behave better with witnesses. Your presence will greatly reduce the possibility that Raymond and I will brawl.”
“You’re very persuasive.”
“Not to brag, I have been called a bad influence on numerous occasions.”
“What’s for dinner?”
“Lasagna, salad, pie. Some sort of appetizers, I suppose.”
“We’ll bring a bottle of red.”
I smiled at the handsome man, wondering what sort of woman he’d married. “Oh, why don’t you offer to give Gizmo a once-over? Dawg says he’s out -of-sorts.”
When I left, Dawg was at his usual station, but Gizmo was nowhere to be seen.
* * * *
AFTER FULFILLING KENZIE’S demands that I dust, polish, and vacuum, I escaped to my center.
“Where have you been?” Jaison said. “Nevermind. Guess who’s back?”
“The number of possibilities is too vast. Just tell me.”
“Heidi.”
“Where was she?” I asked, and he was practically skipping around me.
“Not Heidi II, Heidi I, the original, often imitated, but never duplicated. Her owners dropped her off while you were out. I put her in a kennel because I wanted you to help introduce her to Heidi II. Ha!” he screamed and grabbed my hands and danced me around, and all the dogs came over to join in the excitement.
When he stopped, Jaison told me that Heidi I’s owners claimed she snarled at them. Under interrogation, they admitted they wanted a small dog. “They wanted to take Thing One, and I said, ‘Hell, no.’ What kind of people think you can trade in a dog like a car?”
“Congratulations, Jai, you’ve got yourself a dog.”
“I can’t keep a dog. I’m a rambling man. I’m a road runner, baby. I’m a rolling stone.” He thumped his chest with the flat of his hand, splaying his skinny fingers.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s get your girl reacquainted.”
Jaison’s joy at being reunited with the Rottie was contagious. I began feeling more hopeful about dinner and said, “You should come to dinner. The house is super clean and there’s abundant food. Invite Julie.”
“I already told Kenzie ‘no.’ As much as I love you ladies, and I do, I don’t want to get messed up in your drama.”
“I will make a concerted effort to be very nice.”
“You can make a whole damn symphony of effort, but I’m not heading into the lion’s den. I heard you threatened to kill your brother.”
“It was a figure of speech, like ‘I’d kill for cold drink.’” I wanted Jaison to be there with me, the kid brother I should have had. “Kenzie’s making lasagna. There’ll be ollalaberry pie. Mmm, pie.”
“Save the leftovers for me.”
* * * *
“FIX YOUR HAIR, MADDIE,” Kenzie said as she came in with a vase of the blue hydrangeas.
“My hair is fine.”
She dragged me to the bathroom, scrubbed gel in my hair, and spiked it. “What about those earrings and the necklace I set out for you?”
“I didn’t see them,” I said, confident she wouldn’t look for them behind the toilet paper in the hall closet.
She went to my bedroom, first looking on top of the dresser, and then began pulling out the drawers. “Where did you put them?”
“Kenzie, don’t! I didn’t put them anywhere. Look in the bathroom.” I tried to grab her hand as she rummaged through a stack of shirts.
She pulled out a large thick envelope. She read the return address. “What’s this?”
“Kenzie.”
“You tested our DNA! You swore—”
“The envelope’s still sealed! I didn’t open the email they sent me or check the results on the website. It’s only for an emergency, if we need medical information.”
Her gray eyes glistened with tears. “We’re sisters. Or don’t you feel that way?”
I took the envelope and ripped it in half and handed the pieces to her. “I don’t need to know. Throw it away. But you deserve better siblings. You’re like an innocent village girl stolen away by an evil trolls.”
“I love my troll sister.”
She looked like a little kid then and I knew I’d hurt her feelings, fucking up things on her special night. “I’m sorry, Kenzie. I was curious and...I’m sorry.”
The doorbell rang and she said, “We’ll talk about this later.” She slipped the torn envelope into her pocket and went to answer the door.
I took the opportunity to change the playlist to one we both liked, more Adele and no Mariah. I was trying to shake off my tension when my sister returned with Christopher.
He wore corduroy pants and I knew I’d have to hear the swh-swh-swh of the material every time he moved. Kenzie introduced us and when he stepped toward me with his hand outstretched, his pants went swh-swh-swh.
Kenzie said, “You two get to know each other and I’ll finish up dinner.”
I’d researched Christopher Miller, of course, and assumed he didn’t photograph well because Kenzie’s taste had previously run to gym rats who talked endlessly about the dangers of gluten. Chris was shorter than me, and he had a round boyish face with pink cheeks, big blue eyes behind gold-rimmed glasses, and flyaway brown hair. His lips were wide and when he grinned, he showed a nice gap between his front teeth.
“Would you like a...” I lifted a plate to him. “A sandwich thing?”
“Thanks. Where’s your brother?”
The doorbell rang again and I said, “Maybe that’s him now,” and excused myself to answer it.
Ben stood there in a button down gray-blue shirt and black slacks. Beside him was a tall trim Asian woman, in a white t-shirt, jeans, and flats. She wore diamond stud earrings and a gold wedding band, and a bit of mascara.
Ben held a bottle of wine and gift-wrapped boxes. “Hello, Maddie, this is Ava.”
He leaned forward to kiss my cheek and his beard scrubbed against my skin. He smelled nice, like pine soap and himself.
Ava held her hand out. “Don’t worry. I’ve been instructed.”
I liked her even before my hand was in her grasp. She had a low-key sensuality, and if I’d seen her at the Country Squire, I would have sidled over to her and bought her a drink. Her black hair was as dark as my natural color and pulled back in a sleek ponytail. “Nice to meet you, Ava! I guess I’m the official Coyote Run welcoming committee. What a relief you aren’t frilly.”
She and Ben exchanged a look. “She thought you’d have a frilly wife, because you’re that type.”
“I didn’t mean it that way. I meant it as a worst case scenario.”
Ava grinned. “What we need are paper placemats and crayons at dinner so we can draw diagrams and pie charts.”
“I might not avoid dinner parties if I could diagram during them,” I said. “Come and meet Christopher. We have miniature sandwich things.”
“I brought wine and chocolate,” Ben said, handing me the packages.
I was about to close the door when a dusty crimson BMW arrived with a blast of the horn. It slowed down without actually stopping, and my brother practically fell out of the passenger seat. The driver swung into the field to make a wide U-turn, and all I could see was long bleached hair, big sunglasses, and a mouth twisted to hold a cigarette before she spun off.
My first instinct was to slam and lock the door, but Ben was watching, so I waited until Raymond rolled over to his hands and knees and then rose effortlessly to his feet.
“Lo and behold, my brother, Raymond,” I said.
Raymond dusted the dirt off his hands. He was wearing a purple Ring-A-Bell - Drinks & Darts for the Discerning t-shirt. He moved like a top toward the door, appearing unpredictable yet governed by centrifugal force along a predetermined path.
“Big Sis,” he hissed, and I stepped far out of his reach as he puckered his lips. “No? Well, good to see you.”
Introductions were given and soon we were all in the living room. I sat beside Ava to keep away from Raymond, who sprawled and grinned in an armchair. Ben, Kenzie, and Christopher shared the sofa. Kenzie’s cheeks were flushed and her forehead had a faint shine. The term “gentleman caller” ran in a loop through my mind, and I wondered how much my sister’s relationship depended on our performance during the next few hours.
Kenzie has washed and polished our grandmother’s crystal and she poured vodka martinis from a pitcher into delicate glasses. I held the thin stem in my hand and concentrated on not squeezing too tight or too loose.
Raymond said, “No need to be stingy, Kenzie.”
She hesitated and then added another tablespoon to his glass, and said, “Christopher is thinking about getting a pet, Maddie. I told him you have hypoallergenic puppies for adoption.”
“Hypoallergenic puppies are a myth,” I said. “People with allergies react to the animal dander, the skin cells sloughing off, not the fur.”
“Damn, girl, you sure talk purdy,” Raymond said. “Chris, get yourself a hairless cat. I can get one for you. It won’t cost more than one-fifty, two-fifty max. Let’s say three hundred to be sure.”
“Thanks, Raymond. I’ll think about it. I’m working out a scheduling change and want to be sure I’ll be home enough to care for a pet.”
“Or get a job where you can take a pet, like our buddy Dawg.” Raymond stared at me with his too pretty, lush lashed eyes. “I guess that pooch sees everything Doug sees and does, don’t he?”
“Doesn’t he,” I said automatically, exactly as Raymond knew I would. When he grinned my muscles pulled like a rope against a post. I set down my drink and shuddered, turning my face so I wouldn’t have to watch him laugh.
“You cold, Maddie? Kenzie can get you a sweater.”
“Raymond,” Kenzie said, her voice low.
Christopher said, “Maddie and Ben, your rescue of the senior citizen was amazing. Kenzie told me you’d never done tracking before.”
Raymond snorted. “How ‘amazing’ could it be when Maddie used a trained dog she stole?”
“I liberated that dog, asshole,” I snapped, and my sister said, “Language, please, Maddie.”
My face grew hot. “I’m sorry, Kenz. Sorry, Ava and Christopher.”
Raymond flipped his personality like a pillow and said in a soothing voice, “Hey, Baby Sis, we were just kidding. You know we play rough.”
Ben looked at me again and stood. “Maddie, before I forget, would you give me a few brochures for your center to take to my clinic? I’d like to refer clients.”
As soon as we were out of the living room, I said, “I have a few in my room, or we can go to the center and get more.”
“I only need a few.” We went to my room and he closed the door behind us. He put his hands on my elbows so I faced him. “This is your house and he’s your brother, and if you want us to leave, Ava and I can make excuses.”
“If you’re not too miserable, I’d like you to stay.”
“You’re the one who looks miserable. Your brother gets a kick by making you react. Treat him the way you treat a fear-biter. Don’t listen to the words. Think of it as whining and snarling and keep out of his biting range.”
“You’re always helping me.”
He winked. “I’m counting on you to return the favor someday.”
I gave Ben a handful of brochures and we returned to the living room where Christopher was explaining his job and saying, “But basically what I do is analyze geothermal system data and run computer models.”
“So you’re involved with the geothermal fracking,” Raymond said, and Kenzie looked as surprised as I was he’d made the connection. “How’s it different from gas fracking?”
“The drilling process is similar, but geothermal energy is green energy. The earth’s produced heat for billions of years and, short of being blasted apart by a meteor, it will be generating heat for billions more.”
Ava said, “We were in Santa Rosa and the city recycles treated wastewater for reinjection.”
“Geothermal is my favorite kind of energy,” I said. “Unlike petrochemical crap, which I contribute to by driving my junker. I really need a new truck. Everyone in town somehow manages to have one.”
Raymond eyed the empty martini pitcher. “Shit, Big Sis, when we sell fracking rights, you can get as many trucks as you want to stink up with dogs.”
“Christopher says gas fracking is unlikely here,” Kenzie said. “It’s not economically viable.”
“What are you talking about?” Raymond asked. “I heard it’s a done deal.”
“Really?” I said. “Chris, tell me that’s true!”
“The volcanic field of geothermal reservoirs makes geothermal fracking relatively simple,” Christopher said. “Gas fracking with this rock structure is a speculator’s pipe dream. Managers at PacPetro are already losing their jobs for giving out those offers.”
“Says who?” My brother, the fear-biter, leaned toward him. “Maybe you just don’t want anyone else getting in on your game, man. I get it. Romance the lonely spinster, get the land. Can we eat already?”
“The lasagna is resting.” When my sister panicked, her eyes went narrow like they did now.
“Why do fucking noodles need to rest?” He smiled at her. “If I have to wait, give me another drink.”
“There’s no more vodka, and if you don’t want to wait, you can eat elsewhere.”
He threw his hands in the air gracefully. “Don’t be mad. I’m a lover, not a fighter, Kenz. I got the achy-breaky heart. But if you want me to go, I’m happy to accommodate. Nice meeting you all.”
“No need to hurry back,” I said.
“This is my house, too, Maddie, and I’m only leaving for dinner.” He went out to the foyer and a moment later he called, “Kenz!”
Her face was flushed pink and she said, “Excuse me,” and left. We heard the indistinguishable murmur of their voices, Kenzie’s heavy steps, a little silence, the front door slamming, and then my sister returned and I knew she’d given him money.
“Where’s he going?” Ava asked.
“Oh, he’ll walk to the road and hitch a ride. His car is somewhere,” Kenzie said. “I apologize for overreacting.”
I saw her chest heave as she took in a deep breath and the corners of her lips twitched up and then down, and I wanted so much for her to be happy. “It’s my fault everyone,” I said. “I’ve been antagonizing him since he came. Crazy old family nonsense, so he came with a defensive attitude.”
Christopher said, “All families are crazy. My mother still hopes I’ll meet a nice girl someday.”
Kenzie laughed, breaking the tension and conversation became easier. When we were seated at the table, dressed up with a red gingham cloth and candles, Christopher asked about SAR. I told them about the search for Phineas, leaving out names, and they all laughed.
“What’s it like working with the sheriff?” Ava asked.
“When we’re tracking, he’s a good partner, determined and thorough. The rest of the time, he tries to haul me off to jail and invites people to shoot me with antique weaponry.”
“Maddie’s exaggerating,” Kenzie said. “The sheriff didn’t tell anyone to shoot her.”
“He really did,” I said. “What’s worse, he still resists bonding with his dog. Olly’s a work in progress.”
Ben lifted his glass, “Aren’t we all?”
“You don’t seem like a work in progress, Ben. You and Ava seem complete.”
“You’re seeing us at our best,” Ava said. “We spend our fair share of time bickering about the kids, our work, and why any sane adult would leave an empty milk carton in the fridge.”
“It wasn’t me,” Ben side. “I suspect Helen.”
“Helen can’t even reach the milk carton.”
“Underestimate her at your own peril,” Ben said. “Kenzie, she’s excited about your horses. Any chance you can give her a riding lesson?”
Between dinner and dessert, Ava asked to see my center. We went to the fence, but not inside. “The puppies will jump on you with their grimy little paws.”
Things One and Two wiggled up to the fence and licked the palm that she placed on the chain link. “You should set up a by-the-hour puppy rental, because I’d like to play with one, but I don’t want to own one, cute as they are.”
“I keep telling people that puppies are overrated. No one ever listens. You have good energy, though. You’d be a good dog owner.”
“Someday. Ben is still mourning our old dog Candy.”
“He told me about her. Ava, can I ask you something?”
She smiled. “I’m half-Chinese, half-Vietnamese and my parents families can’t stand each other. Everyone asks.”
I laughed. “That wasn’t my question. It’s about Ben. Are you okay with us being friends?”
“Ben,” she said, and considered me. “My husband likes women. He’ll listen to us all day long and he’s affectionate and understanding. That’s why he’s a vet, isn’t it, because he really cares and loves the physicality of his work. He also loves being a big handsome object of desire and it keeps him being very sexy with me.”
“What about you?”
“I always keep a few devoted admirers around for my own entertainment and to keep Ben on his toes. He’s allowed to flirt, but if he ever goes beyond that, I’m out of here and taking the kids with me. Just a word of warning, Maddie, I’m a seriously vindictive bitch.”
We stared at each other for a second and then I said, “It is so good to meet someone who’s direct.” When we stopped laughing I said, “Don’t worry. There’s no way I’m going to screw up a relationship with the best vet in town, and for me screwing and screwing up are synonymous. He told me he had issues, but didn’t elaborate.”
“Beyond the habitual flirting? He’s impulsive. He’ll make huge decisions without thinking them through or consulting anyone, which means me, like buying a clinic in a Podunk town because he thinks the kids should ride horses.”
“Well, that explains it. You ready for the small mindedness? Because people will not only yell insults from cars, but also say awful things to your face.”
She smiled. “As long as they love their animals, I have leverage, and at least this a beautiful Podunk town.”
“That’s why I never want to leave. We better get back.”
* * * *
SOON AFTER AVA AND Ben left, Kenzie and Christopher drove off. I washed the dishes as quickly as possible, wanting to be safely at the center before Raymond returned. If he returned. I was clanging pots and pans and blasting music, when I heard the dogs barking.
There are different kinds of barks: happy barks, playful barks, warning barks, frustrated barks, and rhythmic bored barks. These were defensive barks. I raced out of the house and saw Raymond’s junker was by the gate. Inside the center’s fence, the dogs howled and growled, and I could hear my brother’s drunken slurry wet voice saying, “Come on you, motherfucker,” and the thud of something and then a sharp whine of pain.
Bertie.
I ran through the gate and in the dim light from the trailer’s porch, I saw Raymond by the kennels, yanking on a lead and saying, “Goddamn dog, I’ll show you who’s boss,” as he dragged Bertie, who’d been muzzled.
“What the hell are you doing? Let go of him right now.”
“Or what, Big Sis? I got a buyer for him. He’s not yours. Everyone knows the animal psychic stole the dealer’s dog.”
I could have told him he’d mistaken my dog for Zeus, but I was afraid to say anything that would let Raymond know that Bertie was more special, the most special to me. “I said, let him go.”
Raymond’s laugh devolved into coughing. I ran at him and tried to grab the lead, but his grip was too tight.
I kicked Raymond, connecting solidly with his shin, and he said, “Fuck you!” and backhanded me so hard I fell back against the chain link of the kennels, the metal waving and clanging on the steel framework. I pressed my hand to my cheek, pushing against the pain.
He yanked Bertie’s lead so high and tight that Bertie’s front feet were off the ground and snarled, “You think you can hit me like when we were kids? You think I’ve ever forgotten your fucking tantrums and how I couldn’t do anything because you were special? How special are you now?”
Raymond lunged toward me and I slid along the fencing away from him, searching with my fingers for the posts framing the gate of the next kennel.
“Nowhere to hide, is there? Let’s play the tickle game.”
I didn’t turn away from him as I lifted the latch from Zeus’s gate and I shouted, “Packen!”
And Zeus, all fur and bone and teeth and power, leapt out and was on Raymond, his powerful jaws clamping down on my brother’s arm. Raymond screamed and let go of the lead and Bertie came to me. I threw my arms around my dog, and listened to my brother shriek, “Get him off! Get him off!”
I glanced into Bertie’s eyes. He waited for my direction, and I thought of everything those eyes had seen, all those horrors, and how he knew the scent of human blood and screams of terror and the agony predators inflicted too easily on others.
“Aus!” I shouted to Zeus, and when he let go, I called, “Hier” and he came to my side.
I kept my eyes on Raymond, curled on the ground while he clutched his bleeding arm, and I unbuckled the muzzle on Bertie. “Get out of here, Raymond,” I said, my voice shaky with adrenaline and fear and rage. “Get out and never come back. Because if you do, I will kill you. I swear to god, I will kill you and no one will ever find your body and the world will be a better place because you’re not in it and no one will miss you. I won’t miss you.”
He stood slowly. His t-shirt was wet and dark with blood. He seemed as if he was going to say something, but the dogs were at my side, hackles raised, eyes focused, ready to charge. Raymond stumbled out of the center and down the lane. When he was by his car, he called, “I’m getting my stuff from the house.”
I waited until he drove away from the ranch. Then I took Bertie, Zeus, and Heidi to the house with me. I locked the doors and windows and went to Kenzie’s room. Raymond had left a mess of junk food wrappers, bottles, and dishes. I opened her closet door.
He had taken the gun safe.
I led Bertie to my room to examine him. I ran my hands over his body and he flinched when I touched his ribs.
I patted the bed and said, “Up.”
When he paused, I scratched behind his beautiful dark ears. “It’s okay, boy.” I pulled my comforter to the floor for him to rest on.
I phoned Ben and left a rambling, barely coherent message asking him to meet me in the morning. I set Heidi and Zeus to guard the front and back doors. I spent the night on the rug, cradling my dog. I stroked his fur on the places he didn’t hurt from new or old injuries. “You are so good, Bertie. You are so very good, and I will never deserve you.”
When I’d first brought him home, he’d stationed himself by the gate of my center, waiting for his handler. His eyes had been dull then, confused by being torn from his companion. He’d ignored the other dogs and they’d avoided him. I’d slipped treats to him and given him extra brushings. I’d sung to him and tried to engage him in a tug of war, but he’d always returned to his station by the gate.
On our runs, he’d hung back, his head and tail low. I’d despaired that I’d done wrong, taking him from Joey. But one day, Dawg had brought over a red-zone dog that had been abandoned at the clinic. The snarling animal had lunged toward my little Chi mix, and, before I could get there, Bertie had faced down the dangerous dog, and he hadn’t had to do anything except stand there, and the other dog backed down.
In that moment, everything changed on our afternoon run, Bertie jumped joyously into the pond with the other dogs, and I felt so happy and knew he was the one. I had and would have many dogs in my life, but I knew he was the one who would live first and always in my heart.
Now I wanted to take his pain and bear it myself. My eyes welled and I sobbed thinking of his life and the life of the young soldier. If I could care for Joey’s dog, why couldn’t I care for my own brother? Maybe because he was the only one who said aloud what everyone knew: it was all my fault. My neediness, my strangeness had broken a brittle family.
I pressed my face against Bertie’s fur, grieving that he was old and in pain, and wanting his life, all lives to mean something, wanting love to mean something, wanting myself to be feel compassion for other people in the instinctive way I felt compassion for animals.
But it was not so, and would never be. This was the wall I hit, over and over, a wall around my mind and my heart and my soul.