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“This was the worst idea I have ever had in my life.” Remy flopped down in a lawn chair next to me. “Look at this.”
He held his phone up in my face, and all I could do was laugh. “You’re really surprised by that, bro?” His mom, Meg, was standing in front of a huge red and white tent with a shit-ton of sparklers in her arms. There was a huge sign behind her that boasted half-price fireworks.
“Did you read what she wrote?” he scoffed.
“Just bought out the whole stand,” I read out loud.
“She just bought everything the roadside fireworks place had. Everything. She bought it.” Remy dropped his phone on the ground. “She’s going to blow us all up.”
I laughed and took a swig of my beer. “She’s bringing Lo and Rigid with her, right?”
Remy nodded. “Thank God. Otherwise, I would need to invite the fire department.”
Frankie scurried over to the circle of chairs we were sitting in. “Guys! You are not going to believe what Meg just sent me.”
“We know,” Remy and I said in unison.
“Classic Meg,” Frankie laughed. “It’s really too bad Christy and Susan went to Florida. They would have a hoot with her.”
“I would appreciate if you didn’t bring people around that would encourage my mother to act even crazier than she normally does. She’s in her fifties, for God’s sake.” Remy was miserable, and I thought it was hilarious.
“Excuse me. You did not just insinuate that fifty is too old to be having fun and living your best life.” Frankie folded her arms over her chest and glared at Remy.
“No. She’s my mom, though,” he explained as if that made sense. “I have to live with all the crazy shit she does.”
“You don’t even live in the same state as her. I don’t know why you aren’t more excited about her coming. This is going to be the best party ever.” Frankie pointed at me. “Even better than the one you got Delaney pregnant at.”
“Har, har, fucker.” I flipped off Frankie and sunk lower in my chair. “I’ve made up for that with her so you can stop throwing it in my face, yeah?”
Frankie sat down in the chair across from me. “I don’t know how the hell you managed to make up for completely forgetting a woman you slept with.”
I shrugged. “It wasn’t like I knew I was going to sleep with Delaney and get her pregnant that night. I was having fun and happened to meet Delaney.”
“Who you are now going to have a baby with and spend the rest of your life with?” Frankie guessed.
“If she’ll have me for that long.”
Remy choked and sputtered. “Are you kidding me right now? Did you really just admit you found a chick you want to spend the rest of your life with? What in the hell happened to the Jay Perez I used to know?”
I finished my beer and tossed the empty on the ground. “I guess I grew the fuck up, bro.”
Frankie whistled. “I am still entirely impressed by the past week and a half. Who would have thought all it was going to take for Jay to get his act together was to get a chick pregnant?”
Remy busted out laughing, and even I chuckled.
“I think we would have been surprised if he hadn’t gotten his act together after that.” Remy pointed his finger at me. “I better be that kid’s godfather.”
“What?” Frankie laughed “You probably just want to be the godfather so you can tell people you’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse.”
Remy snapped his fingers. “This is why we keep Frankie around. She always has awesome ideas. I just wanted to be the one to teach your kid how to cuss. I figured being the godfather would give me that honor.”
“You’re an even bigger idiot than I thought,” Frankie muttered.
“You bringing the baby mama to the party?”
I reached into the cooler next to my chair and pulled out another beer. “Yes, and if you call her that to her face, I will punch you in the nuts.” That was all Delaney needed to hear when she walked into the party. Remy would be dumb enough to do it, too.
Remy held his hands up. “All right. I get it, bro.” He leaned toward me. “Think she’ll be down with BM?”
“Who are we calling Bowel Movement? Is it Roc? He did seem like he had some shit that needs to come down the chute.” Brooks had made his way over to our chairs and made his presence known rather disgustingly.
Frankie turned around with a disgusted look on her face. “What in the hell are you talking about?”
“BM? Bowel movement.” He looked at each of us. “None of you thought of that? What did you guys think it was?”
“Baby mama,” we all said at once.
“Whoops, my bad.” Brooks sank down in the chair next to Frankie.
“You know, I sometimes wonder if the NOS fumes are going to your brain, sweetie.” She reached up and petted the side of his head. “So handsome,” she cooed.
He knocked her hand away. “Woman, ask any of these people out here and they will tell you BM is bowel movement, not baby mama.”
“Maybe we should ask Roc since you seem to think he needs one,” Remy chuckled.
“For the record,” I said to Remy, “Calling Delaney BM will also get you a nut punch.”
“Duly noted,” he murmured. “Nicknames are off the table.”
“Did you hear?” Frankie asked Brooks. “Remy’s mom is more than likely going to blow up your house.”
“What?” he laughed.
“Wait, I thought we were having the party at our house?” I asked.
Remy shook his head. “Nah, since Frankie decided to invite basically everyone within a hundred mile radius to the party, we had to move it to Brooks’ place since he lives in a fucking mansion.”
“It’s not a mansion,” Brooks insisted.
“Bro, you got five bathrooms in that place. It’s a fucking mansion,” I agreed.
Brooks shrugged. “Well, whatever. You guys are more than welcome to have your party there as long as your mom doesn’t try to blow it up.”
“No promises can be made when my mom will be there,” Remy advised him.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. Just saw you on TV.
Delaney had recorded qualifying today. Probably only for 2.5 seconds.
Well, yeah, but it was still you.
“She’s texting him,” Frankie gushed. “Look at that goofy smile on his face.”
“Bro, do you have any idea how crazy you look right now?” Remy shook his head. “He really is a goner.”
How was work? Texting Delaney was something I would rather do than listen to these assholes.
Good. Mave came over to watch the race with me. I had to stop and get ice cream and queso.
I laughed. I was definitely going to have to stop to get food for Delaney on Monday. Good, Del. I don’t like you being alone.
She’s not spending the night, Jay.
I know. It still made me feel better knowing Delaney wasn’t just sitting all alone by herself.
Just wanted to let you know I saw your handsome face on TV.
Ok. Text me before you go to bed.
Will do. Miss me.
Only if you miss me, Del.
“Done sexting?”
These guys were such assholes. “Is this payback for all the shit I gave you guys when you settled down?” I asked.
“It’s only just begun, bro. Wait ‘til the party,” Remy promised.
Good Lord. Maybe I should be worried about Remy meeting Delaney and not Leelee.
Whatever happened, it was sure to be an interesting Fourth of July.
*
