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Mom followed me into my bedroom and shut the door behind her. “You got a lot of explaining to do, girl, but I need to know if you’re all right.”
I gingerly sat down on the bed and sighed. “Uh, I’m told I’ll be all right eventually.”
“Delaney, tell me what the hell is going on.”
“Sit down, Mama,” I said quietly.
A feeling of dread settled over the room, and I could tell my mom felt it. She pulled out the chair under my desk and sat down. “What is going on, Delaney?”
I closed my eyes and felt the tears coming already. I had managed to stop crying long enough to walk to the top of the stairs, but my sadness was still heavy and consuming.
“I was in the hospital tonight. I miscarried around one o’clock and had a D&C done to help prevent infection.”
“Delaney,” she whispered.
I opened my eyes but couldn’t see my mama through the tears streaming down. “Jay and I were going to have a baby but something happened.”
I heard her audibly sob, and then, I was gathered in her arms. “My sweet, sweet girl,” she whispered. “Shh,” she soothed me.
Mama rocked me in her arms, and my tears kept falling. “I’m sorry, Mama,” I sobbed.
“Don’t say that, honey. Don’t tell me you’re sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m so sorry, honey.” Her arms were tight around me, and I could tell she was trying to give me her strength.
“I know I’m young, and Jay and I didn’t know each other for forever or were even married, but I really wanted the baby, Mama. I wanted the baby,” I sobbed.
“Oh, my Delaney. My smart and straight-shooting girl with the soft heart. I know you wanted the baby. I’m sure the second you found out you were pregnant, you had it all planned out in your head.”
I did. I really did have it planned out. At least, the part about the baby. I had no idea what Jay was going to do when I told him, but even if he had laughed in my face and told me to go away, I knew the baby and I would have been okay without him.
Now I didn’t have a baby, and there wasn’t going to be a Jay and me anymore.
Mama brushed my hair back from my face and looked at me. “You’re okay physically?” she asked softly.
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. It was pretty painful with the cramping but I’m okay now.” I was sore, but I knew that would go away in a day or two. “I just feel empty.”
“How far along were you?” she asked softly.
“Almost nine weeks.” I closed my eyes and tried to stop crying. “I was supposed to have my two month check up on Friday.” Jay and I had planned on going to the appointment to hear the baby’s heartbeat and figure out how I could get one cup of coffee a day.
Now none of that was going to happen.
A fresh set of tears stung my eyes.
“Do you need anything right now?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I just wanna sleep.” When I slept, I didn’t have to feel anything. I didn’t have to think about the baby being gone. I didn’t have to wonder about what was going to happen with Jay and me.
If I slept, I didn’t have to think or feel anything.
Mama helped me lie back down, and she pulled the covers up to my chin. “Are you sure there isn’t anything you need?”
I shook my head. “I’m fine.” The only thing I needed was my baby and Jay, but neither one of them were mine anymore.
*
