342 Seeing an incompetent archer, he sat down beside the target, saying, ‘Just to make sure I don’t get shot.’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.67; G455)
343 There was a certain musician who was always abandoned by his audience, and Diogenes greeted him by saying, ‘Hello chanticleer’; and when the musician asked why, he said, ‘Because your singing makes everyone get up.’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.48; G454)
344 There was a big lyre-player who was the butt of everyone’s criticism but was praised by Diogenes alone; and when asked the reason, Diogenes replied, ‘Because, being as large as he is, he sticks to singing to his lyre and doesn’t turn to robbery.’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.47; G453)
345 When someone had given a long reading, and was pointing to the blank space at the end of the scroll, Diogenes cried, ‘Courage men, I can see land ahead!’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.38; G391)
346 On entering a school-room and seeing many statues of the Muses there but few pupils, he said, ‘Thanks to the gods,* teacher, you’ve got plenty of pupils!’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.69; G389)
347 Seeing a second-rate wrestler practising as a doctor, he said, ‘What’s the meaning of this, then? Is this how you’re planning to bring down those who once defeated you?’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.62; G447)
348 When asked why athletes are so stupid, he said, ‘Because they’re built up from the flesh of swine and oxen.’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.49; G446)
349 When abused by someone who was bald, he said, ‘I’ll not insult you in return, but simply congratulate your hair for having taken flight from such an evil head.’
(Maximus 10.24; G458)
350 When someone came up to him and told him that a certain person was speaking badly of him, he replied, ‘That’s nothing to wonder at, since he’s never learned to speak well.’*
(Gnomologium Vaticanum 179; G429)
351 To someone who was abusing him, Diogenes said, ‘Just as no one would believe me if I were to speak well of you, so no one will believe you when you speak badly of me.’*
(Gnomologium Vaticanum 186; G426)
352 When someone abused him saying, ‘You’re drunk and talking nonsense’, he replied, ‘But you think I’m talking nonsense when I’m sober.’
(Codex Vaticanus Graecus 1144, fo. 216v; G433)
353 When somebody reported to him that someone was saying dreadful things about him, he replied, ‘And he’s welcome to strike me too when I’m not there.’*
(Codex Ottobonianus Graecus 192, fo. 206v; G432)
354a When someone ran into him with a plank* and then cried, ‘Watch out!’, he said, ‘What, are you going to hit me again?’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.41; G457)
354b When someone ran into him with a plank and then said, ‘Watch out!’, Diogenes struck him with his stick and cried, ‘Watch out!’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.66; G457)
355 When someone struck him a blow with his fist, he said, ‘Heracles! How did I come to forget that one needs to walk around in a helmet!’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.41; G456)
356 Meidias,* after assaulting Diogenes, told him, ‘There’s three thousand to your account.’ The next day, Diogenes wound some thongs around his hand,* gave Meidias a thorough beating, and said, ‘And there’s three thousand to yours!’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.42; G483)
357 When asked what he would want for receiving a punch* on the head, he said, ‘A helmet.’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.54; G456)
358a On seeing the son of a prostitute throwing stones into a crowd, he said, ‘Take care that you don’t hit your father!’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.62; G211)
358b To the son of a prostitute who was throwing stones into a crowd, he said, ‘Watch out, lad, or you’ll wound your father, whom of course you have no way of knowing.’
(Eustathius on Homer Iliad 24.499; G211)
359 He once saw a lad throwing stones at a gibbet. ‘Good for you,’ he exclaimed, ‘you’re sure to hit your mark.’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.45; G413)
360 Seeing a young man behaving in a giddy and deranged fashion, he said, ‘Young man, your father must have been drunk when he begot you.’
(Plutarch, On the Education of Children 3, 2a; G395)
361 When a worthless youth called out to him, ‘Hello there, father!’, he said, ‘How did it come to escape me all this time that I was father to such a rascal of a son!’
(Gnomologium Parisinum 6)
362 On seeing someone making a show of being in love with a rich old woman, Diogenes the Dog remarked, ‘He hasn’t cast his eye on her but sunk his teeth in her.’
(Stobaeus 3.10.60; G239)
363 Seeing an old woman beautifying herself, he said, ‘If that’s for the living, you’re out of your wits, if it’s for the dead, don’t be too slow about it.’
(Maximus 41.26; G217)
364 A disreputable eunuch had inscribed above the entrance to his house, ‘Let nothing evil enter in.’* ‘How, then’, enquired Diogenes, ‘will the master of the house be able to get inside?’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.39; G347)
365 A man who had just got married inscribed above the door to his house,
‘The son of Zeus, all-victorious Heracles
Dwells within, let nothing evil enter’,
to which Diogenes added the words, ‘After conflict, alliance.’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.50; G347)
366a After listening to two men pleading their case, he passed judgement against the two of them, declaring that the one was surely guilty of theft, but the other hadn’t lost anything.*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.54; G461)
366b He once acted as arbiter between two disreputable characters, one of whom was accusing the other of theft. After listening to both, he declared, ‘It seems to me that you haven’t lost anything, while he is clearly a thief.’
(Gnomologium Vaticanum 190; G461)
367 He saw a hunchback approaching from a distance, and when the man drew close, exclaimed, ‘I thought all along, my good fellow, that you were carrying something!’
(Gnomologium Vaticanum 199; G460)
368 When someone chided Diogenes on seeing him coming out of a brothel, he said, ‘What’s the matter then, should I have been coming out of your house?’
(Codex Bodleianus 50, fo. 108r, no. 6; G211B)
369 With regard to a filthy bath-house he enquired, ‘When people have bathed here, where do they go to wash?’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.47; G268)
370a On seeing that the sheep in Megara were covered with leather coats* while the children ran bare, he exclaimed, ‘It’s evidently better to be a Megarian’s ram than his son!’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.41; G284)
370b One day Diogenes arrived in Megara, and saw that the Megarians’ sheep were wrapped up in hides, but that their children went naked while pasturing them; ‘It’s evidently better’, he said, ‘to be a Megarian’s ram than his son.’
(Gnomologium Vaticanum 191; G284)
371 On arriving at Myndos* and seeing that the gates were very big while the city was very small, he cried, ‘Shut your gates, men of Myndos, or your city will get out!’
(Diogenes Laertius 6.57; G286)
372 A Spartan praised the line from Hesiod which says, ‘Not an ox would be lost if your neighbour were not bad’; and on hearing this, Diogenes said, ‘Why, to be sure, the Messenians and their oxen have been lost, and you are their neighbours.’*
(Aelian, Historical Miscellany 9.28; G287)
373 On seeing Diogenes the Dog embracing a bronze statue* in extremely cold weather, a Spartan asked him whether he was feeling chilly; and when he replied no, the Spartan said, ‘Then what’s so wonderful in what you’re doing?’
(Plutarch, Spartan Sayings 233a; G177)
374 On seeing a good-looking youth lying in a careless posture, he said, ‘Wake up,
Lest while you are lying there someone fix a spear in your back!’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.53; G499)
375 On seeing a man who had been caught stealing purple, he said,
‘Purple death and mighty fate laid hold of him.’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.57; G495)
376 On seeing a clothes-thief, he said,
‘What doest thou here, my good friend?
Or hast thou perhaps come to plunder some corpses?’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.52; G492)
377 On seeing someone buying food at great expense, he said,
‘Doomed to a swift death will you be, my child, by what you buy!’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.53; G493)
378 Seeing a son of a flute-player who had a very high opinion of himself, he said, ‘Young man, you’re even more puffed up than your mother was.’*
(Gnomologium Vaticanum 173; G207)
379 On seeing a runaway slave sitting beside a well, he said, ‘Take care, lad, or you’ll end up inside!’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.52; G443)
380 On seeing a clothes-thief at the baths, he said, ‘Have you come here for a rubbing or the robing?’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.52; G484)
381 On seeing an Olympic victor pasturing (nemonta) sheep, he said, ‘How quickly you have passed, my friend, from Olympia to Nemea!’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.49; G448)
382 When asked where a youth who had been selling his favours had come from, he said, ‘Evidently from Tegea.’*
(Diogenes Laertius 6.61; G400)
383 On seeing a wretchedly bad painting of two Centaurs, he asked, ‘And which of these is Cheiron?’*
(Diogenes Laertius 5.51; G485)