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As I approach, arms burdened with take-out bags, the wooden door at the end of the hall opens. Mason greets me with Kara on his hip, her sleepy head tucked against his chest. Kara smiles when she sees me, and she wiggles to get on the floor, but Mason holds her tight. He kicks the door to keep it open for me to enter.
I drop the brown paper bags on the bare kitchen table.
Kara squeals, “Deelah,” and holds an arm out to me. I step forward and wrap an arm around her and kiss her chubby, pink cheek. Mason’s arm loops behind me, and the three of us stand in the great room, holding on to each other. The slow burn in my back muscles subsides, and my eyes go all misty. The little bug is okay.
Mason had texted when I was in the cab, so I had read that she was okay, but seeing her means so much more than words on a phone. I mean, I figured she would be fine. In theory, she was safe, locked in her apartment. But she’s so little. Too little to be left alone. There are knives and sharp objects and scary thoughts if you let your mind wander. I breathe in deeply and sniffle to keep my swirling emotions in check. Kara doesn’t need to see me cry, even if the tears are of the happy sort.
Kara breaks the silence by slapping her hand against my cheek and saying, “You came!”
I break away from our threesome hold and empty the bags of food. “I did. And I brought food. Are you hungry?” I had the foresight to order a few desserts to go, as well as some buttered pasta and marinara sauce on the side in case Kara hadn’t eaten dinner yet.
I glance over my shoulder and meet Mason’s blank stare. He continues to hold Kara tight. She wiggles a bit to get down, but he shows no sign of letting her go. I head into the kitchen to grab plates and silverware and to give him a moment.
Within minutes, I have the table set, food out of the bags with serving spoons, and I shift to Mason. Cold, dark green orbs track my every movement. Other than squirming to get down, Kara seems somewhat content in her daddy’s hold, but Mason’s tormented countenance troubles me. Kara doesn’t need to pick up on it.
I stand next to Mason and stroke his shoulder and bicep until the muscles beneath his shirt relax, then I loop an arm around Kara to shift her from Mason’s hip to mine. His jaw muscles ripple, as if he’s grinding his teeth.
“Let’s get Kara seated so we can eat.” I say it softly, searching for some sign he’s okay. He’s rattled, but he’s got to get his feet back on the ground, for Kara’s sake.
He blinks, like he’s coming out of a fog, and releases her to me. I get her set up in her booster chair, a plastic contraption that sits her higher to the table, and buckle her in. “Did you eat, honey?”
“Mommy gave me popcorn!” She says popcorn with a high pitch and with the same enthusiasm I used to say cotton candy when I was a kid.
I open the container of angel hair pasta, some Leigh found in the kitchen for me, and ask if Kara would like marinara sauce too. I urge her to stick her finger in the sauce to taste it, and she giggles because she’s breaking a rule. I explain it’s take-out, and our manners can slide when it’s take-out. As I pour the sauce she declared yummy onto her food, I glance back at Mason. He’s still standing in place, but the harshness has softened.
I guide him to his chair then take a moment to knead his hard shoulders and press a soft kiss below his ear. As I step away to my chair, he loops an arm around my waist and pulls me close. A soft, “Thank you,” escapes.
At bedtime, Mason and I surround Kara with each of us on one side as we take turns reading books to her. Kara holds my fingers but snuggles against her daddy, her body partially lying on his. I pick up a well-worn copy of Goodnight Moon and hold it up as a suggestion for our next book, and she gives her approval.
Then softly she says, “No Lion King. The daddy gets hurt.”
She’s such a sweetie. I brush her hair back and kiss her forehead. Mason’s eyes glimmer in the lamp light. It’s one thing to have an illustrated book where a character gets hurt. It’s quite another to watch the movie in action with dramatic music and vivid, moving color. And for his baby girl to take that in, I know he’s got to be swimming in a well of emotion.
When she succumbs to sleep, I squeeze her precious little hand and lay a soft kiss on her forehead, then lean over further and press a kiss to Mason’s jaw. As I leave Kara’s bedroom, Mason lies on the bed, eyes closed, one arm possessively draped over his daughter. His concern and love are so apparent, it warms the soul and twirls about nostalgic memories and feelings. I swallow back my emotions and pull the door closed as tears glide down my face unchecked.
Minutes pass, and I sit on the brown leather sofa, wrapped up in the fuzzy princess blanket. I’m stroking Belle’s image when Kara’s bedroom door opens. Mason slumps down on the sofa beside me and pulls me next to him. I snuggle into his side, much the way Kara did tonight in bed.
Mason threads his fingers through mine and exhales. “Dee, you have no idea how scared. How many scary scenarios crossed my mind. Fire. Her falling. Scissors. She’s barely four! How could she leave her alone?”
On my cab ride over, I had similar thoughts. I also called Jackson, since he’s a lawyer, to learn more about Mason’s options. “Has Amber done this before?”
“Never. But she’s never had the chance.” He gazes out the window into the night. “Amber wouldn’t even hold Kara in the hospital. She was afraid she’d grow attached. She was determined to not give up her dream. Probably would’ve had an abortion, but she found out too late. Her plan was to place Kara up for adoption. As you know, I told her no. I told her she could still pursue her dreams, and I’d raise Kara. For years, she wanted nothing to do with her. But I’ve pushed and pushed.”
“When did she start spending time with her?”
“Recently.” He rubs his forehead hard, as if he’s trying to remove a memory. “I always sent her pictures. For years, Amber wouldn’t respond. This past year, she thanked me. Then, a couple of weeks ago, she finally called. I wanted Kara to have her mother.” His voice cracks, and I lean over and place a soft kiss on his neck, the only place I can reach.
Still holding him, I tell him, “I called a friend on the way over. A lawyer. He suggested you report this to the police so you have it on record.”
Mason recoils but keeps me tucked into his side. “I’m not filing a police report. Too many unknowns. Social services could take her away while they investigate. I can’t risk it.”
“Jackson’s specialty is corporate law. He suggested you retain a family practice lawyer. He said it’s important for you to get full custody so you can control how much contact and what kind of contact Amber has in the future.” I’m speaking in a low, quiet, calm tone, but Mason reacts as if I’m shouting, squinting and jerking back, shaking his head.
“No. I don’t need to get lawyers involved. Amber wants as little as possible to do with Kara. I’ve been the one pushing for their relationship. I won’t push anymore.”
I don’t argue, although I don’t agree. But there’s too much emotion to push on this right now. Sometimes life throws curveballs that require a good night’s rest and a stable heart before we can catch the ball and spin it back out into the universe.
Mason tugs my hair and in a gruff, broken voice says, “Thank you for being here.”
I place a kiss on the corner of his lips. “Any time.”
He exhales. “About that, before Amber did that, it hit me I let you into my daughter’s life. She’s my world. I’m not sure I’m making the best decisions right now.” My chest constricts, making it a bit harder to breathe. He runs his thumb across my knuckles. “You make me happy. I love spending time with you. You fit into our world easily. Make it better. But it’s not just me. And it’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to ask you to make a commitment so early on. But I can’t let you get close to her and then...” He stops speaking, but he’s said enough.
I reach up and angle his head to mine, forcing him to look me in the eye. “I can’t promise us forever. But I can promise you I’ll be there for Kara for as long as you want me to be in her life. I didn’t know I could love a little kid. Not now, at this stage in my life. But I do. I was so scared in the cab ride over here. All I could think about is what she needs, and what you need.” I hated the sense of helplessness. I called Anna and had her put Jackson on the phone. Probed him with questions about legal rights and what we should do, gathering information for Mason because it felt like the only action I could take while stuck in the back of a cab in Friday night city traffic.
Mason’s strong arms wrap around me in a cocoon, holding me close. His heart reverberates, and I press closer to the sensation. “I’m falling for you, Delilah.” He runs his fingers through my hair and repositions me on his lap. “But I get the feeling I’m out of my league here.” His thumb lightly runs over the earring in my ear, a gift from my parents. “I don’t think I can afford to give you the lifestyle you’re used to on what I’m going to make as a veterinarian—”
“Mason, if you think I care about money, you’ve got it all wrong. I don’t need you to provide for me.” His brow wrinkles as his thumb and index finger caress my chin.
I run my fingers over his stubbled jaw and gently pull until his eyes meet mine. “I’m falling for you too. I’ve never been in a real relationship before. Nothing serious, at least. I’m probably going to mess up. But if you’re okay with being with someone who doesn’t know what she’s doing, someone who has a whole lotta shit to figure out...I want to be with you. And I want to be there for Kara too. I’m falling for both of you.” I hold my breath. I need to tell him about New Orleans. About my obligations. What I’ve been putting off. What I can’t put off forever. But he’s not responding to me. He may not want this. Me. I’m a lot to take. I get that. And I definitely don’t have my shit together. He’d probably prefer someone who is buttoned up and organized and even-keeled and...
His strong hand cups the back of my neck, and he pulls our heads together, forehead to forehead, while his other arm loops around my back to hold me close. We sit there, holding each other. I close my eyes while breathing in his earthy, clean scent. The tender moment stirs deep, and novel emotions rise as I hold him and revel in the sensations rippling through my core.
He places a soft kiss on my forehead, then trails light kisses from my cheek, to the sensitive skin below my ear and down my neck. He lifts me off the couch and pulls me into his bedroom, taking care to close the door softly, then lifts me up and carries me across the room. He sets me down on the bed and unbuttons his shirt, his eyes never leaving mine. His movements are slow and precise. Measured. With gentleness and care, he discards my clothes. There is a heaviness in the air, a seriousness. Neither of us speaks, but we swim in each other’s eyes.
I love this man. I love how much he loves his daughter. How he stepped in to take care of her when it would have been so much easier to put her up for adoption. How he cares for every living being in his path. How he studies a problem and finds a solution. I love how much he wants his daughter to have what he didn’t have, and how much it’s breaking him that he can’t give her her mother. I love those jade eyes, an ever-changing hue I have yet to pinpoint, and I love how I get lost in them. These may be fleeting emotions, or they may be as permanent as the sea, but for now, my love for this man is deeper and more intense than anything I’ve experienced in my life.
When he spreads my legs and lifts my hips and thrusts deep inside, he fills me, physically and emotionally. His tongue caresses mine as our bodies join. Tonight, we are making love. Comforting each other. Reveling in the newness of something that feels right. He brings me higher and higher until I detonate, shuddering around him as my orgasm rips through me, leaving me bare and vulnerable, clinging to him as if he’s my lifeline.
A nagging worry gnaws at my newfound bliss. Guilt. My life here is temporary. We are temporary. But as I snuggle into his side, I tighten my hold on him and will my negative notions away, to be dealt with another day.