What do you think?MANY QUESTIONS MAKE CONVERSATIONS WORSE
For the next week, watch what happens any time you or someone else asks a question during a conversation. You’ll quickly find that questions are not always neutral. They make some of your conversations better, but questions make a surprisingly large number of your conversations worse. Like an incredibly talented but wayward cousin, a question has the potential to do a lot of good, but it will often underperform and disappoint instead.
It’s not always easy to divine another person’s intent behind a face-to-face query, and the task is much harder in the digital age of mediated and asynchronous messages where we lack nonverbal cues and the ability to gather immediate feedback.
Even “simple” inquiries can go awry. “Is this the most recent report?” or “Did you call Jim in accounting about this?” can cause trouble if the other person thinks there’s a criticism behind the query. Many household arguments have been started by questions like “Did you let the dog out?” or “Are your parents coming to dinner?”
The truth is that some of what you currently consider relationship problems probably reflects your underdeveloped questioning skills. Faulty questions contribute to many conversational failures and can add anxiety, defensiveness, and ill will to interactions. Good questions facilitate understanding, lubricate conversations, and promote learning. They bring people together, while faulty questions push people apart and can lead to communication breakdowns.
If you improve your questions, you’ll improve your relationships. And if you improve your relationships, you’ll improve your life. That’s a powerful incentive to upgrade your questions.
Gaston de Lévis said over 200 years ago that we should “judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”1 Unfortunately, our questioning skills today wouldn’t stand up to that kind of scrutiny.
Most of us are poor questioners, because questioning is a higher-order communication skill that we haven’t taken seriously for centuries. The days of Socrates masterfully using questions to lead a conversation are long past, and the digital age is not very conducive to thoughtfulness or deliberation—two prerequisites of effective questioning. Good questions take time to construct, but bad questions emerge instantly. Many of your least helpful thoughts come out of your mouth in the form of questions.
The ease with which we can turn to the Internet to answer virtually any question we ask lulls us into thinking that questions are simple and that answers exist to meet our needs. We request information, and someone (or something) else provides it. We have no further responsibility in the exchange. But people aren’t search engines, and expedient questions aren’t always helpful.
In general, the more we query simply to indulge our personal, I-based cravings to get an answer, to hammer home a point, or to satisfy a narrow, personal curiosity, the more our questions are likely to stifle dialogue. The more we focus on what we can learn from or about another person (a we-based perspective), and the more our queries reflect a broad curiosity about the person or topic we’re discussing, the more our questions will fuel meaningful conversations.
The most effective way to improve your questioning skills is to stop asking faulty questions. Here are the most common types of faulty questions to avoid.
During the vice presidential debate in 1992 with Al Gore and Dan Quayle, Admiral James Stockdale, the running mate of independent candidate Ross Perot, began his opening statement with two questions that would quickly become famous: “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”
Stockdale answered his own questions, but so did the American public and the late-night comedians. Some responses were brutal, including an infamous Saturday Night Live skit where an actor playing Ross Perot desperately tried to leave Stockdale by the side of a deserted road.
Lost in the clamor over Stockdale’s debate performance was who, in fact, he was, including his impressive legacy of public service. Admiral Stockdale earned the Medal of Honor as the POW leader of the “Hanoi Hilton” prison camp during the Vietnam War, but when he died in 2005, his two debate questions continued to receive top billing in his obituaries.2
Questions that can’t be answered, such as rhetorical questions, create conversational hazards by producing a bind between a person’s perceived obligation to respond and the fact that she can’t.
People react to this dilemma in many counterproductive ways. They may lash out in frustration if they feel trapped—most of us have been surprised by a hostile reaction to what we thought was an innocent question. Other times people find creative answers to questions that were supposed to go unanswered. Ask “Why do I put up with this?” and you might hear “Because you can’t do any better!” The question “What’s the point of talking to you?” might be answered with “Don’t bother, I’m ignoring you anyway!”
Don’t ask a question if you really don’t want an answer. And be wary of continuing a line of inquiry if it isn’t turning up useful responses. You aren’t learning anything, but you might be steadily ratcheting up the pressure for a damaging response.
Ask questions with care. If people are willing to pounce on the faulty questions of a war hero, they will make mincemeat out of yours.
There are some questions that people just don’t want to answer. These questions might be perceived as too personal (“How much money do you make?”), too embarrassing (“How did you lose the Gatorville account?”), or inappropriate (“Where’d you get that rash?”). Consider whether you’re asking for too much information before posing your question, and be aware of cues that you might be pushing into sensitive areas. A sudden urge by your conversational partner to look down and shuffle his feet probably indicates that he’d rather not talk about Gatorville, his salary, or his rash.
Leading questions give away the “right” answer that you’re looking for. “Isn’t this a good idea?” “Don’t you think that Gatorville is a terrible client?” and “Isn’t it obvious that Aunt Bessie is mean and nasty?” Try persuasion instead of leading questions. You may not get what you want, but your conversational partner will probably appreciate the more direct approach.
Loaded questions are poorly disguised criticisms that don’t lead to productive conversations. “Is this the best report you could produce?” “Why do you still work there?” “Aren’t you dumping him?” But criticism can’t be hidden with a question mark. No one is fooled by “Wouldn’t you feel better if you practiced a few more times for tomorrow’s presentation?” “Shouldn’t someone your age be higher up in the company?” or “Tell me again exactly what you do for a living?”
Loaded questions can also make people look stupid, prove they are wrong, or highlight a weakness. “So what are you really saying?” “Why haven’t you completed that project yet?” “Don’t you know that punctuation goes within the quotation marks?” “Why don’t you have the numbers?” “Why do you repeat yourself so much during meetings?”
No matter how you may try to disguise them, leading and loaded questions invariably cause trouble because they demonstrate that you aren’t really concerned with what the other person thinks. These questions don’t promote communication; they promote the questioner’s agenda, reinforcing the counterproductive slide away from we-based to I-based communication.
Interrogating questions make you sound like you’re a police detective breathing down someone’s neck. “How could you spend $200 taking that prospect to lunch? Don’t you know how excessive that is? What were you thinking?” Questions designed explicitly to pin blame on someone will usually trigger negative responses.
Interrogating questions signal that the verdict is already in and that we’re not genuinely searching for an alternative explanation or looking for dialogue; we’ve made up our minds and we want a guilty plea. Questions like this signal that we really don’t want open communication, even as we ask for a response. This conversational bind is a core problem with many faulty questions that usually produces dissonance and distrust.
To avoid sounding like the stereotypical “bad cop” or aggressive trial lawyer, don’t ask too many questions in a row, don’t get too personal or too probing with your questions, and balance your inquiries with some sharing of your own in the conversation. Additionally, avoid putting your conversational partner in a dialogue-stifling defensive posture by eliminating phrases like how could you and don’t you know from the beginning of your questions.
Identity refers to a person’s core beliefs and most deeply held feelings and sheds light on a foundational personal question: “Who am I?” People identify with their work, their religion, their family, their avocations, their nation, and other things that are meaningful to them. (We’ll talk more about identity issues in Chapter 14.)
The rewards that come from asking someone about his core beliefs also come with a warning about the potential damage. Questions that respectfully give another person an opportunity to talk about something dear to them can draw people closer together. To a social worker: “I’m thinking of switching careers. Please tell me how you decided to become a social worker.” To a Spaniard: “This is my first trip to Spain. Can you tell me a little about your country so I get a better feel for it?” To a Buddhist: “I don’t know much about Buddhism. Could you give me an overview?”
But faulty questions that touch on identity topics can open up a great distance between people. To a social worker: “I’m thinking of switching careers and becoming a social worker. But how come social workers get paid so little?” To a Spaniard: “This is my first trip to Spain. Why do people here sleep during the day?” To a Buddhist: “I don’t know much about Buddhism? Don’t you find meditation boring? And why do you still eat hamburgers if you believe in reincarnation?”
What should you do if someone asks you a faulty question? The most important thing is to make sure that your response doesn’t escalate the conversation. Ignore any obligation you feel to answer, and don’t jump too quickly to assume the other person has a malicious intent. A question you perceive as faulty may only require clarification to get the conversation back on track. If you’re still not sure about a question, delay your response and give the other person an opportunity to correct herself.
Questions are higher-order communication tools that people often offer into conversations with little or no forethought. This casual approach to questioning means that good people—including you and me—ask bad questions all the time.
Bad questions put distance between people. Good questions facilitate good communication, which strengthens relationships and improves our quality of life. That’s why questions deserve more attention than they usually receive.
People need to perceive a meaningful purpose before they’ll answer you without protective or evasive maneuvers. We see it all the time on police TV shows, but it’s equally true in real life. When people don’t feel safe, it’s natural for them to offer “faux answers,” to reply with something contrived, or to provide the bare minimum response.
Legitimate answers can’t be coerced, so it’s up to the person asking the question—in this case, you—to signal your good intentions. When you do, questions can work their magic as catalysts of meaningful exchange.
This doesn’t mean that tough, important questions are off-limits. Good questions are essential in helping people make sense of challenging situations, performance failures, personality clashes, and business threats and opportunities.
And most people will answer questions about difficult subjects when they perceive a meaningful underlying intent. But if they think a question is designed to hang the blame or build a case against them, their responses will be much less helpful and much more reserved.
There are seven valuable tips to improve your questions:
1. Clarify your intent. The perception of a meaningful underlying intent is vital to effective questioning. If you sense uncertainty in your conversational partner, clear it up by saying something like “I’m trying to figure out how we might improve our future client pitches,” “I’d like to know more about the way you work so our collaboration can be more effective,” or “I want to learn how the Smith presentation went off track so we can try to win them back.”
2. Get and give permission. Don’t overlook the simple idea of asking permission: “May I ask you a question?” You can also tell the other person he doesn’t have to answer: “Can I ask you some questions about the Smith presentation? You don’t have to answer them if you don’t want to.” Giving people a sense of control in the conversation and a choice about answering often helps them feel like the conversational ground is safe for responding.
3. Ask open questions whenever possible. Open questions (and nudges, see the last tip we discuss) are designed to be answered in paragraphs, not in a few words.3 This gives the other person freedom to respond and avoids unintentionally shutting off helpful information.
For example, asking “Did you feel like the Acme presentation went well?” is structured to produce a yes-or-no response. Even if the respondent tells you more, the question focuses attention on the success of the past presentation, when it’s possible that what you really need to talk about is something the presenter heard the client say to a colleague or perhaps a funny feeling the presenter has about the client’s new marketing director.
These things might come out in response to a closed question about the presentation, but the responder would have to make an effort to swim against the tide of the closed question. Remember, people are busy, so when we ask questions that can be answered in a few words—when we give them the ability to shortcut a more extended response—they’ll often take it.
Here are some of the most versatile open questions:
What do you think?
How do you feel about this?
What else should I know?
What questions can I answer?
Additionally, you can readily construct open questions by using the phrases how did, how was, please describe, please explain, please discuss, and please tell me more (for example, “Please tell me more about your idea.” “How did you feel about that?” “Please discuss the Gatorville account proposal.” and “Please explain your conclusion in more detail.”).4
4. Be polite. You’ll notice that please occurs frequently in the examples above. This is pragmatic etiquette. Adding a please to your questions helps to signal your positive intent, which can reduce resistance and get the discussion started.
5. Let people talk. Let your good questions work their magic. Don’t sabotage your questions by being afraid of silence. A pause following a good question usually signals contemplation, not consternation. If you jump in too quickly, you shortchange the process.
6. Use closed questions prudently. Closed questions can be answered in a handful of words and often start with words like who, when, where, is, or do: “Who can help us get this done?” “When is the project due?” “Where do I get more information?” “Is this the job you want?” and “Do you like your boss?” Closed questions are useful for simple informational queries (“When is the meeting?” “Is Sally still our HR contact?”), for limiting the range of potential responses, or for expediting a conversation.5 But be very careful not to slip into the habit of closing off your questions when you are trying to establish dialogue and encourage conversational participation.
7. Use nudges liberally. Nudges are stand-alone phrases like tell me more, I see, and go on, which are often used following an open question to maintain the smooth flow of information.6 Nudges are simple but effective ways to keep a line of inquiry active.
Learning to ask better questions will improve your relationships. You’ll avoid some conflicts, and you’ll insert less confusion and anxiety into your conversations. Better questioning skills will reduce resistance to your queries and help you establish more productive dialogue.
Good questions promote good communication, but effective questioning alone won’t achieve our conversational goals. For that, we have to add some elbow grease and noodle juice. We have to prepare for conversations that matter.