Ahmed the Philosopher: Thirty-Four Short Plays for Children and Everyone Else

It’s important, the name! It’s the rallying point! Everyone should be able to say: I, the person you see before you, am a dues-paying, active, hyperactive, or sedentary member of … of … well, you see, I don’t have the name for it. I have the thing completely clear in my head, an institution really really in the service of the new citizenship, incapable of corruption, ethical and dynamic.⁴ But I can’t come up with the name. The name, really, like the thing.

AHMED. Can I help you, Rhubarb?

RHUBARB (startled). Ahmed! You scared me! This isn’t a problem for you. It’s a question of language.

AHMED. Exactly! I’m the master of the French language. You French, you learned the language naturally, so that often it’s gibberish, because French has nothing natural about it. It’s all about precision and syntax. You say: “Yeah, that’s cool.” But I, Ahmed, had to learn the language artificially, not naturally. So that I’m much better adapted to it. I’ll never say: “Yeah, that’s cool.” I’ll say: “Behold a truly momentous event.” Many French people will say: “So whadja do wid’ your wheels the other night?” Me, I’ll say: “To what use were you intending to put your vehicle when I saw you leave as the night descended?” You see? It’s like those women who say “I’m so bummed out! My boyfriend just dumped me for another chick.” It’s shameful to relate your despair in such terms! If I were a woman, may Allah the all-powerful forbid it, I would say: “Alas! He who was my beloved bore his flame elsewhere.” The genius of litotes, that’s French. And you get an alexandrine in the bargain: “He who was my beloved bore his flame elsewhere.” When everyone in Sarges-les-Corneilles speaks like that, life there will be delightful. OK, so, what name don’t you have, Rhubarb? I know all the names.

RHUBARB I’m setting up an association. It’s gonna be totally awesome.

AHMED. Ugh! What disgusting lingo! Say: “a breathtaking innovation” or, if you prefer, “an institutional creation that is unprecedented and unrivaled.”

RHUBARB. Fine, fine, OK. How did you put it? A “breathtaking institution without innovation” … You’re getting me even more confused! The fact remains, it’s important to inject dynamism into citizens, so that, out of respect for ethics, and in a strong spirit of consensus, they can take control in a global way and find a means to oppose the market economy with an individual approach that’s both transparent and efficient. To put it more colloquially, because, after all, a citizen has to address himself to all communities, all the while preserving his own cultural roots, and not just the roots but also the seeds and the branches and even the flowers if possible, I mean the flowers that grow out of cultural roots; the goal is … Oh! You’ve really got me all mixed up! Damn! They have to cut the crap and get their act together, that’s what I’m trying to say.

AHMED. Oh! Rhubarb! Don’t just give up like that! Say: “They must cease their drifting, and, with a morale steeped in collective creativity, they must rise to the challenges thrown at them by the harshness of life on the unrewarding soil of Sarges-les-Corneilles.” That way, while you’re at it, you’re also talking about roots. Arriving at the synthesis of thought by means of syntax, that’s what French is all about!

RHUBARB. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

AHMED. “I understood you very well, and I grant your objection.”

RHUBARB. What are you going on about?

AHMED. I was translating you into French. You said “whatever”; that’s atrocious. I proposed: “I grant your objection.”

RHUBARB. Give me a break! That’s not the problem! I have to register my association at city hall in an hour, pal, and I haven’t found the right name for it.

AHMED. It’s about making citizens dynamic? Call it “The Association for Civic Dynamite.” That’s a nice metaphor.

RHUBARB. You think so? It’s a little rough, you’re forgetting the whole consensus aspect.

AHMED. No problem. Call it “The Association for Harmonious Civic Dynamite.” “Consensus” is a little pedantic. The old word harmony is so much better!

RHUBARB. You think so? It isn’t a little long?

AHMED. You want to sacrifice precision for brevity? Bad call.

RHUBARB. But you’re not taking the ethical aspect into account, the completely democratic internal struggle against corruption.

AHMED (after having thought a bit). Call it “The Equitable and Transparent Association for Harmonious Civic Dynamite.”

RHUBARB. Now that’s really long. And besides, you know, the whole taking control aspect, the whole global taking charge of the human aspect, the whole taking control of the humane aspect, that’s gotten lost.

AHMED. You’re starting an association that has as many aspects as members, maybe even more, and you’re complaining about the length of the name? That’s absurd. The name has to capture all aspects of the thing! Let’s think about it … The problem is “managing the human” … You need a really powerful metaphor to pull it all together … or you could make a chiasmus out of the adjectives … Oh wait! I’ve got it! You can call it: “The Association for Taking Charge Equitably and for Transparent Globalization for Harmonious and Humane Civic Dynamite.” That’s pretty good.

RHUBARB. What worries me is that you’re not getting the efficient aspect, the whole practical aspect. It seems a little too ideological. And now, of course, we’re in the postideological era. They were such a pain, those ideologies!

AHMED. You’re absolutely right! This time, we need a striking image, which makes it completely clear that you’re going right to action. I’m thinking … OK, how about: “The Association for Going Through Practical Storms Through the Immediate Effect on Taking Charge Equitably and on the Transparent Humane Globalization of a Harmonious Civic Dynamite”? That way, you’ve got all the aspects right there.

RHUBARB. It’s precise and complete. It’s long, but the entire program is there in the name. The name isn’t false advertising, it isn’t an ideological lie. The name describes the thing, period. I’m happy! So what initials does that gives us?

AHMED. “The Association for Going Through Practical Storms Through the Immediate Effect on Taking Charge Equitably and on the Transparent Humane Globalization of a Harmonious Civic Dynamite”? Well, if you leave out a few of the conjunctions, the acronym would be the AGTPSIETCETHGHCD. That sounds really great, the agtpsietcethghcd.

RHUBARB. It’s true that language can say everything! I didn’t think we could get my plan into a few words so quickly and so clearly! Thanks, Ahmed. Of course, I would certainly have ended up finding something similar on my own, but when you work as a team you come up with a solution a lot faster. OK, I’ve got to get to city hall.