Ahmed the Philosopher: Thirty-Four Short Plays for Children and Everyone Else

AHMED. I come forward masked. There’s a great philosopher, a very great philosopher, a tremendous philosopher, who said that three centuries before I, Ahmed, did. I come forward masked. He said it in Latin. Larvatus prodeo. That’s a resounding utterance, to theatrical ears it sounds like a tragic pronouncement. Larvatus prodeo.

Note that I am doing you the courtesy of not saying it in Arabic. Certain smart-asses will say that, having been born at Aulnay-sous-Bois, it’s not clear that I’d know how to say, in Arabic, “I come forward masked.” Translating into Arabic something like larvatus prodeo, that’s beyond the reach of somebody born and raised in Aulnay-sous-Bois. But I, Ahmed, am not just any old native son of Aulnay-sous-Bois. And the best proof of it is that I’m perfectly capable of translating into Arabic “I come forward masked.” One would say: Ataquadamu mutinaquirân. So how do you like that? Leaves you speechless, doesn’t it?

Ataquadamu mutinaquirân. Larvatus prodeo. And this is because I, the Arab, come forward in front of you truly masked. It’s not like the tremendous philosopher who said it in Latin. And who would have been up a creek if you’d asked him to say it in Arabic. By the way, he wasn’t born and raised in Aulnay-sous-Bois. He was born and raised in some hick town in the Creuse, which is pathetic. As far as the mask is concerned, he said pompously—I quote for you—“Like an actor making his entrance on the stage of the world, I come forward masked.” “Like an actor”: easier said than done. I’d be quite surprised if he wore a mask, this great philosopher. A wig, sure, they did that back then, they wore these stupid-ass wigs, and underneath they were as bald as billiard balls! He must have been bald, the tremendous philosopher, but a mask, no, I don’t see him with a mask. It’s a joke, his “I come forward masked”; it’s a rhetorical figure. That’s why he said it in Latin, larvatus prodeo. Latin was the mask of French; when he said larvatus prodeo, he meant: “I’m putting a mask on the fact that I come forward masked.” Which raises a real question: can a mask be masked? I who am truly masked, unlike this tremendous joker-philosopher, can I, right here, in front of you, mask the fact I’m wearing a mask?

It’s conclusive! In order to mask the mask, the best thing to do is to take it off. My bare face isn’t what’s under the mask, it’s the mask that’s been masked from the outset. You can imagine the complication! I come forward toward you masked by my face, and when I put on the mask, in reality I’m unmasking myself! OK, let’s forget about it. At the end of the day, you can’t tell the differences between the mask, the mask of the mask, and the unmasked.

And the philosopher, the larvatus joker, the prodeo clown, what was underneath his false mask? That is, assuming that we can figure out what a false mask is. Because, if the mask is a false face, we deduce from this that a false mask, being a false false face, is a true face! I’m telling you, it’s too complicated, this whole “I come forward masked” business. Me, Ahmed, every day I come forward masked on this stage, but, as for saying what that means, I’m showing you that I can’t.

Nonetheless, at this juncture, we ought to know what was under the philosopher’s mask. Ultimately. There was him, you’ll tell me, but him who? His name was Descartes. Not Daycare, or Daydream, or Daytrip. Day-cartes. Bald underneath his stupid-ass wig. Descartes, the greatest bald philosopher of all time.

Descartes, it must be admitted, uttered several famous maxims. Even as he came forward masked, like me, he stubbornly made quite a name for himself with his sayings, like me. He said, in particular, “I think, therefore I am.” He said it in Latin; with him saying things in Latin was a real obsession. It was his mask, or his false mask, or his true face, you know? He was bald and Latin. He said cogito ergo sum, “I think, therefore I am.”

That reminds me of a joke … a joke … not a terrific one, but still …

There’s this worker in a stable … another bald guy … (Laughter). Every night he takes care of the horses, he brushes them … he cleans them (Laughter). And he rubs them and he wipes them down and he grooms them and, by the time he’s done cleaning the animals, he smells really bad, this bald groom, and he wants to go home and clean himself, so he says (Laughter), “I stink, therefore I scram”!⁹

OK. Is this true, “I think, therefore I am”? Suppose that, masked in front of you, I think that I am not. And I have all sorts of reasons to believe that I’m not! Or, at any rate, that I’m not me. I’m wearing a mask, I’m playing the character of Ahmed, and what becomes of this me in all this—the me that I am? I’m not who I am and, at the same time, I’m who I’m not! Since I play at being what I’m not, I have the right to think that I’m not. Are you with me? Being with the one who isn’t with himself, that’s the theater for you.

So if I think that I’m not, how can I think that if I think, I am? Just think! I think that I’m not, therefore I am! Such confusion!

Aha! A glimmer of light amid the confusion. I think I see things clearly now. I’m seeing things clearly and distinctly. When I play Ahmed, when I come forward masked in front of you, who is therefore thinking? Who is therefore being? Ahmed, he is. I’m doing everything, behind my mask, so that he can be here in front of you. But he doesn’t think! How could Ahmed think, since he doesn’t exist? He’s a creature of paper, Ahmed, a figment of the author’s imagination, an ectoplasm! But, with me carefully masked, he is, here, in front of you. Therefore, first of all, Ahmed can say: “I am and I don’t think.”

And me, behind my mask? Am I? No! It’s Ahmed who’s here, in front of you, and me, I’m not, I’m Ahmed. But as far as thinking is concerned, I don’t stop! So that Ahmed can be here in front of you, I have to think every second about doing this and that, to invent, to remember the damn text of the author that I’m in the process of reciting for you! I think, I think, I’m covered in sweat, underneath my mask, from all this thinking. So that Ahmed can be here and so that I, who think, can’t be here. Therefore, I could say: “I think, and I am not.”

A guy who thinks and who isn’t, so that there can be standing in front of you a guy who is and who doesn’t think, that’s the theater for you!

So I think therefore I am, even when it’s masked in Latin, as cogito ergo sum, doesn’t work. He really blew it, Descartes! Which doesn’t surprise me, because his mask, that larvatus of his, it’s fake. Not like this one, the real mask, the false face, the true false face, the real false mask!

What you have to say, if you want to be precise in philosophy, is this, write it down in your little notebooks. It’ll make a big impression in the middle of all the chitchat. Bring it out over dessert and, you’ll see, everyone’ll be blown away: “Where I think, I am not. And where I am, I don’t think.” There’s a snazzy maxim!

Unfortunately, it isn’t mine. Ahmed, be honest underneath your mask where you think and aren’t, it’s snazzy, but it isn’t yours. It’s a modern larvatus prodeo who came up with it. His name is Lacan. Not Lock-on or Lock-off or Log-in or Log-out. Lacan.¹⁰ Another masked man who gets unmasked! This is because, today, the mask was the subject. The subject of the play.

We’ve pretty much covered the question. I’m bowing out now. I’m taking my final bow wows. Sweating like a dog in order to think and not be, so that Ahmed can be and not think, that’s fine for a little while. But you ultimately want to be! You want to not think! I’m going to go where I am and don’t think. Backstage. If you saw me backstage, you wouldn’t recognize me. Nor would you recognize Ahmed, for that matter. By virtue of not thinking, backstage, I look like an idiot. But I am! I am an idiot! And Ahmed, by virtue of not being, looks like a sheet of paper. But he thinks! He does nothing else. Pure thought, he becomes. In other words, so much steam.