Ahmed the Philosopher: Thirty-Four Short Plays for Children and Everyone Else

MOUSTACHE. I’d never have thought a thing like that could happen in Sarges-les-Corneilles. To me, no less.

AHMED. To you? It’s me it happened to.

MOUSTACHE. You? Look at yourself! You can’t tell me that a thingamajig like that could have it in for a simple worker! It’s me, Moustache, it was after, no two ways about it. When I saw it, I said to myself, in my deep-down inside, Moustache, it’s after you. And you saw how I ran! I took off like a shot.

AHMED. You’ve perhaps made a fatal error of judgment in—what did you call it?—your deep-down inside. Because when that happens, that extreme form of the terrible thingamajig, I’m its target nine times out of ten. But, tell me, what is it exactly, this deep-down inside of yours?

MOUSTACHE (squirming). I need to take a piss really bad.

AHMED. Don’t take a piss! Do not under any circumstances take a piss! If you do, the thing will come back, and by the time you’ve zipped up, it’ll get the better of you. Tell me all about your inside. I’d really like to know what it is, the inside of Moustache.

MOUSTACHE. Well, you know … my inside, it’s sort of like me.

AHMED. So wait a minute … Your outside, your beautiful moustache and all that, that’s not you?

MOUSTACHE. I need to take a piss something awful!

AHMED. If you piss, it’s on the outside, therefore it’s not you. You, in your deep down inside, the real you, the one who says “I,” the one who says “me, Moustache, the terrible thingamajig that happened was after me and not Ahmed,” that guy, in short, doesn’t piss.

MOUSTACHE (squirming more and more). But it’s certainly me, Moustache, who needs to take a piss, that’s all I’m telling you!

AHMED. Your true self that stays in your deep-down inside, he needs to take a piss. But what pisses is on the outside, it’s not your true self. You can say, “I, Moustache, I need to take a piss,” sure, that’s definitely you, in your private mental inside. But if you piss, the way anybody pisses, that’s no longer you, it’s just the physiological function of the animal you are. It’s no longer the true subject Moustache considered in his inside.

MOUSTACHE. But I can still say “I’m pissing”! And besides, right now, I’d rather do it than say it!

AHMED. Absolutely not! The whatchamacallit could show up at any moment. And then it’ll take advantage of your pissing outside to grab your inside! If indeed it’s you it’s after and not me. But “you,” “me,” it’s not so clear, after all! …

The thing that happened, just now, how could it tell it was you, your true inner you, if it was after you? You and me, seen from the outside, we’re not really you and me, if you and me are on the inside! I wonder how it managed to tell us apart, just now, the doohickey that set us running.

MOUSTACHE. Still, right now, all it has to do is grab the guy who needs to take a piss. That much is clear!

AHMED. But how can it know that you need to take a piss, and not me?

MOUSTACHE. Can’t you see? Can’t you see the gymnastics I’m going through to hold it in! Is your head screwed on backward today?

AHMED. My dear Moustache, your gymnastics are completely exterior. How is the thingy that shows up supposed to know that they have to do, in your deep-down inside, with your need to piss? Especially since this damned what’s-its-name doesn’t have eyes or a head or a screwdriver to put its head on with! Every single time it’s going to confuse you with me! … Watch out, I think it’s about to descend on us!

MOUSTACHE. Bloody hell! Come on, just let me take a piss! If we have to run, I’m going to end up wetting my pants!

AHMED (while fencing). Fine, piss away! It will take you for an animal with nothing but an outside! It’s your need to piss that’s your inside! If it doesn’t see your inside, it won’t recognize you anymore: you, the real you! So to hell with your need! Piss, piss, immediately!

It’s gone! So that’s how it is! It really was mad at you! As soon as you started pissing, it no longer saw anything in your deep-down inside and it disappeared. It really was your need to piss that guided it here! Your real inner you!

MOUSTACHE (zipping up his pants with an important air). What did I tell you? A thing like that only happens to people like me.

AHMED. I wonder how it recognizes you. How it recognizes your inside.

MOUSTACHE. Isn’t it because, with a guy like me, the inside can be seen from the outside?

AHMED. Aha! That’s quite possible. Except for when you’re pissing, it seems.

MOUSTACHE. We’ve figured out how to get rid of it: as soon as it shows up, I start pissing. I piss in its face, and it no longer knows where I am!

AHMED. Because at that moment, your inside need flows to the outside so that your real you is no longer anywhere.

MOUSTACHE. Well, whatever, but for now we better hide.

AHMED. But why on earth should we? It left, it didn’t even recognize you!

MOUSTACHE. But what if it came back all of a sudden? We’d look like total fools.

AHMED. Whatever. As you said, we’ve figured out how to get rid of it! You’ll piss on its sneakers.

MOUSTACHE. You’re forgetting something, my little Ahmed.

AHMED. And what would that be?

MOUSTACHE. That I don’t need to piss anymore. And I mean not a drop!

AHMED. Oh, horrors! Let’s get the hell out of here, fast! If it sees an absence of a need to piss, it’ll recognize you in your inside! And an absence of a need to piss, there’s no chance of letting it flow to the outside. The what’s-its-name will get the drop on you.

MOUSTACHE (laughing boisterously). Get the drop on me! You can say that again! I don’t have a drop left!

AHMED. It’s coming! It’s coming! It’s spotted the absence of all need to piss in your inside, in your real you of the inside!

MOUSTACHE. Jesus H. Christ! Listen up! Meeting at the Spotted Stag! That’ll be one beer for me!

AHMED. I’ll drink to that! With this thingamajig showing up everywhere, you better need to piss! It recognizes your need in your deep-down inside, it recognizes you yourself, but you know the way to get rid of it! You’ve got it in your bladder, good old Moustache!