Ahmed, his first understudy, and his second understudy.
Ahmed enters, acting important, like a master, followed by his two understudies, dressed exactly like him.
AHMED. Gentlemen, it’s the big day. After months of practice and intellectual preparation, you’re going to attempt, for the first time, to play Ahmed. Keep telling yourselves that, obviously impossible though it may be, you are Ahmed, you walk like Ahmed, you talk like Ahmed. Obviously, you don’t think like Ahmed, but in the theater that doesn’t matter. You understand my explanations very well.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. Yes, master. I understand everything.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. No, dear master. I understand nothing.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. Yes, my colleague. I understand nothing.
AHMED. How can you say that you understand everything, and that you understand nothing?
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. Because he never understands anything.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. That’s right, master. I never understand anything.
AHMED. But you just said that you understood everything.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. You said I had to understand everything. So, since I’m Ahmed, since I’m the same as you, I understood everything. But then he said that he understood nothing. And he’s also Ahmed, the same as you, therefore the same as me. He’s the other guy who’s the same. So, being the same as this other guy who’s the same, I didn’t understand anything either.
AHMED (to the first understudy). But then, why didn’t you understand anything?
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. Because your explanations are stupid. Your Ahmed isn’t really the same as the Ahmeds one sees in the rotting housing projects. They’re completely other. They’re miserable, bullied, pathetic. And you tell us to be like you, upbeat, lively, sublime with a joyous ferocity. They’re illiterate, and you tell us to be philosophers and masters of the French language. So being the same as you basically means being other than all the others. It’s stupid.
AHMED (to the second understudy). And you, what do you think of my theatrical explanations?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. What do I think of them?
AHMED. That’s right, what do you think of them, imbecile?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. I think they’re stupid.
AHMED (furious). And why are they stupid, my explanations?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. Because I’m an imbecile.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. The understudy for an understudy who’s a lot more the same as all the other Ahmeds than the real Ahmed ever will be is necessarily an imbecile.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. And if the one who’s the same as me says I’m an imbecile, it’s because he knows it, necessarily. If he didn’t know that he himself is an imbecile, he couldn’t know that I, who am an other, but the same as him, am also an imbecile.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. Are you insinuating that I’m a cretin?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. A cretin, I don’t know. An imbecile, definitely. Since you just told me you were.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. I just told you that you were an imbecile, not me, you cretin.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. Therefore you’re a cretin too, in addition to being an imbecile.
AHMED. Calm down, you two! I’d like to understand why, because you (to the second understudy) are an imbecile, or even a cretin, it follows that my explanations are stupid.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. It’s because they’re brilliant, magnificent, because they make us completely understand what Ahmed is.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. Get a load of this caveman who thinks he’s an Ahmed! The gentleman’s explanations are stupid because they’re brilliant! He could drive us crazy!
AHMED. No, not at all! He’s absolutely right! If my explanations are brilliant, since he’s an imbecile, he thinks they’re stupid. Because imbecility is taking something not for what it is, but for something other than what it is. Conversely (to the first understudy), if you find my brilliant explanations stupid, it’s because you’re an imbecile.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. But they’re not brilliant, they’re stupid!
To the second understudy:
And you, you’re stupid too, because you think that the Ahmed of your master is the same as all the other Ahmeds, while he’s at best the same as you, and while the one who’s the same as the others is me.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. Yes, of course. I understand everything.
AHMED. What do you understand?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. There’s the Ahmed who’s the same as the other Ahmeds, the Ahmed who’s other than the other Ahmeds, the Ahmed who’s other than the same Ahmeds, and the Ahmed who’s the same as the same Ahmeds.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. And, above all, there’s me, who am the same as myself in the role of Ahmed, and then you two, who can’t hold a candle to the others.
AHMED. All right, listen! We’re going to conduct a very simple test. Each of us is going to cross the stage while being Ahmed to the maximum. Each of us is really going to walk like Ahmed and talk like Ahmed. And, while walking, each of us is going to say: “I am Ahmed the philosopher and I am capable of distinguishing between the one who’s the same as Ahmed and the one who’s other than him.” Then, having seen this, we’ll designate the best Ahmed.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. And how will we manage to designate the best Ahmed? Can you tell me that, sir?
AHMED. We’ll do it as it has to be done in a democracy. We’ll vote. After the test, all three of us will form a jury, and we’ll vote.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. I understand everything! We’ll vote for the one who is the same as Ahmed.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. The same as which Ahmed, you imbecile?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. According to the latest reports, cretin, not imbecile.
AHMED. Stupid, not an imbecile or a cretin. Are you going to question the holiness of democracy? The sovereignty of universal suffrage?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. Not in a million years. We’re going to vote for the same, and the one who’s a little bit too much the other, we’re going to throw him in the crapper.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY (having an idea and telling it to the second understudy). Come here for a second. As Ahmed, you’re the same as me, right?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. I’m the other Ahmed who’s the same as the Ahmed who’s the same as you.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. As you wish. When we’re on the jury, I’m going to vote for myself. Since you’re the same as me, you’re going to vote the same as me. If you don’t vote the same as me, it’s because you’re an other, you’re not Ahmed, and we’re going to throw you …
SECOND UNDERSTUDY…. in the crapper. I understand everything.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. Can you repeat it to me?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. Repeat what, dear Ahmed?
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. What you understand.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. When we’re on the jury, you’re going to vote for yourself. Since I’m the same as you, I’m going to vote for myself.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. You cretin! If you vote like me, you’ve got to vote for me!
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. You imbecile! Why, if I’m the same as you, would I vote for someone other than me, while you vote for your me? If I voted for you, I’d be someone other than you, and I’d go right into the crapper.
AHMED. Enough with your conspiracies, my loathsome pupils! The test is beginning.
All three cross the stage trying to “be Ahmed” as well as possible and pronouncing the sentence: “I am Ahmed the philosopher and I am capable of distinguishing between the one who’s the same as Ahmed and the one who’s other than him.” Since the acting style of the first understudy is extremely overdone, his crossing takes the longest time, making it possible to insert the following aside.
AHMED. Come here for a second.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. Yes, dear master, what may I do for you?
AHMED. When we’re on the jury, I’m going to vote for you. And since you’re my best pupil, really the same as Ahmed your master, you’re going to do the same thing, you’re going to vote for me.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. I understand everything, master.
AHMED. Repeat what I said.
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. Since each of us is the same as the other, each of us will vote for the other.
AHMED. Perfect! Excellent!
The first understudy has positioned himself so as to spy on the conversation.
FIRST UNDERSTUDY (aside). This test is going to be a flop. I’m voting for myself, the imbecile’s voting for Ahmed, and Ahmed for the imbecile. One vote each. The teacher will look ridiculous, which isn’t such a bad thing.
AHMED. Jury meeting! First understudy, for whom do you vote?
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. I vote for myself. My realist art surpasses you, you and your stupid explanations.
AHMED. Second understudy, what is your choice?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. I understand everything, master! You explained it to me! I vote for you.
AHMED. And me, I vote for myself too! I’m designated the sole authentic Ahmed by two votes to one!
FIRST UNDERSTUDY (furious, to the second understudy). You cretin! You stupid imbecile! You got fucked by your master!
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. I understand everything!
FIRST UNDERSTUDY. Can you tell me what you understand, cheap knockoff of an Ahmed?
SECOND UNDERSTUDY. The one who’s really Ahmed, the one who’s the same as Ahmed, is the one who fucks all the others!
AHMED. With the most honorable of intentions, of course!