| |
Lena sat silently in the seat of the car after leaving her mother's house. Thad had gone to the closest drive-through window and ordered a coffee and put it in her hands before getting on I-5 and heading north. She'd taken a few sips, and he hoped the caffeine would boost her adrenaline. The visit had zapped all her fucking strength.
If he had known what was going to go down, he never would've mentioned going back and seeing her dying mother.
He laid his hand on her thigh. "You okay?"
"Yep, I’m fine." She looked at him. "For what it's worth, I do feel bad for making you hear all that, but you wouldn't have listened if I'd told you myself."
"You didn't make me do a thing."
She leaned her head back against the headrest of the seat. "I agreed to go see her because I wanted you to hear what she had to say about me. It was the only way I could make you understand that a normal relationship with me isn't possible. What she said about me being unlovable? It's true. Eventually, lust dims and the mystery of getting to know me will fade."
He squeezed and twisted the steering wheel. "I'm pretty sure love doesn't work that way, babe."
"A lot of things don't work the way we imagine or know." She sipped from the cup. "When a woman brings a child into the world, she makes a promise to her son or daughter. A lifelong commitment to love them unconditionally and protect them. My mother, instead of making that promise, showed me her hatred in every way imaginable, proving I was unlovable."
He glanced at her. "There was never a time when she —"
"Loved me?" She paused. "No. As far back as I can remember, I don't remember her touching me. I brushed my own hair, dressed myself, and cooked my own meals with food that I could find in the kitchen. I don't remember her ever asking how my day went or how I was feeling. Instead, the only time she talked to me was to tell me how much she hated me and I was a disappointment to her, ruining her life. I raised myself, and I made a lot of mistakes, but I was able to get away from her."
He hated that she'd never experienced a loving home growing up. His family had more than their share of heartbreak when Thalia was kidnapped and murdered, and while they all dealt with losing her in different ways, he never once doubted his parents love and the support of his MC brothers. When times got tough, they banded together stronger.
Lena seemed more concerned about him dealing with the shock of hearing a mother talk about a daughter with such hatred. He rubbed her thigh. Somewhere inside of her, she had to be hurt. He couldn't figure out how she was holding it together when all he felt like doing was driving back to her mom's house and helping her meet her death a few days early for what she'd put Lena through.
Everybody, no matter their age wanted to please their mom and dad, whether they were good parents or bad parents. There had been studies done proving that fact. He'd learned a lot searching for missing persons and had first-hand exposure to dysfunctional families. Even abused kids who'd grown up hating their abusive parent secretly wanted approval, even if they couldn't voice it.
He refused to believe Lena was okay.
"Why did you want me there?" he asked.
She set the coffee cup in the holder between the seats. "Because you're growing too close to me, and when we were apart for that week, I missed you more than I ever imagined."
"You're not making sense."
"I want what I described when we first met." She placed her hand on his, linking their fingers. "No expectations. If you feel like getting together with me, come on over to my house. If I want to spend time with you, I'll come to you. But, you need to stop acting like I belong to you and trying to take care of me. I'm not the normal kind of woman you're used to. I don't want marriage or children. I want you to have the freedom to leave me when you realize you want more out of a relationship. And, when that time comes, I want you to smile and think of me fondly when you're gone, not hate me. Jonelle Grayson received hate for eighteen years. My mother told me constantly that I was a disappointment and she hated me. I don't want you to hate Lena Hollis and tarnish my new name."
"You know what I think?" He gritted his teeth because he had a whole lot more to say about her mom's mothering skills. "It's a lot easier for a parent to say they're disappointed in their child than it is for an adult to say they were disappointed in their parent."
He swallowed and stared out at the road. Rain sprinkles splattered the windshield like the beating of his heart. He finally understood what Lena wanted out of her life.
She wanted to be loved.
Yeah, she'd explained her feelings in a matter of fact way with no emotions attached, but he'd finally seen the broken child inside of her desperately wanting to gain his approval. And, she believed she'd figured out a way to experience love by giving him everything she imagined a man would want.
It made him gut sick.
And, it made him more determined to show her how to love and what it felt like to be loved. Though fuck knew, he wasn't the right man to teach her. As a Notus MC member, he rode a dangerous path. Working with the St. John's Police Department finding missing persons kept their conscious clean for the times they had to rid the world of the killers, rapists, and abusers who walked free because of technicalities in the court system. It was what was done wearing the patch, kept within the club, that others never heard a word about. He'd killed men. He'd killed Thalia's murderer. He'd kill anyone who harmed those he loved and those that had family who loved them. They didn't have to be a blood relative to him. Hell, he didn't even need to know them. Evil men harming women and children had no place walking around near good people, and he had the resources to remove them.
"Okay." He squeezed her hand and glanced over at her. "I'll do it."
He was going to do a hell of a lot more, and he wasn't going to give her a choice. He loved her, and he wasn't going to walk away because she was inexperienced in love.
"You don't think this arrangement is too strange from what you're used to?"
It was bullshit. She used words such as strange, abnormal, and wrong to describe her life. They were only words she used to protect herself for wanting normal and close to perfect.
"What I think is you're brave, you're beautiful, you're sexy, and you're smart. It's all those things that I'm attracted to and make me interested in agreeing with you." He put both hands on the steering wheel and then reached over and turned the speed up on the windshield wipers. "I plan on sleeping in your bed tonight, babe."
"I'd like that." She sighed and slouched down in the seat.
Today had taken a lot out of her, coupled with stressing about their relationship all last week, and Tigres before that. He had no idea what the first step would be to make her see how much he was falling in love with her, but while he figured it out, he'd be right with her.
The thing that got him riled more than listening to her mom throw hatred at her was Lena's silence. Not once had she complained or used the abuse as an excuse to treat others badly. She never spoke with any contempt toward her family, only stated her past, when she had a right to hate what they'd done to her. It was Lena's silent acceptance that her mother was right in her accusations that she was unlovable that made him hurt for her.
No one should ever accept that kind of treatment.
She looked at him again. "Thad?"
"Yeah, babe?"
"Did she say my dad's name is Alexander Grimaldi?" She scoffed. "Why would she say that when my whole life she's blamed me for Steve Grayson leaving because I was born?"
"What's on your birth certificate?"
She shook her head. "I don't know. I have a copy at the house because I received it in the mail after I changed my name and had to get a new driver's license and social security card. Do you think my real father's name is on it?"
"I think whatever name your mother put on it will be there. It's not always the truth. Taking a wild guess, I doubt your mom would know the truth if it slapped her in the face."
"I'll have to look when we get back to my house." She tucked her hands between her thighs. "Though it would explain a lot."
"What's that?"
"You didn't notice that I look nothing like Jack." She shrugged. "You can't tell by the way my mom looks now, but the only thing I got from her is my chin. Our coloring is different, the shape of our nose, our ears, and I have brown eyes. My mom and my brother both have blue eyes."
He only half listened because he'd heard the name Alexander Grimaldi before. He couldn't figure out where or why.
Twenty miles later, he looked over and found Lena with her eyes closed leaning her head against the passenger window. Without her witnessing his reaction, he fisted his hand and air punched the steering wheel without making a sound.
He wanted to hit something. She'd obviously expected him to run from her. Now that he'd agreed to stick around, she'd pushed everything out of her head and moved on. As if it was simple to say, "Don't love me".
If he'd learned one thing in his life, problems always came back for a visit.
Two hours later, he pulled off of the interstate into St. John's. He reached over and rubbed Lena's cheek.
"Wake up, babe. We're almost to your house." He flipped on the turn signal and came to a stop.
Checking for traffic, he turned right.
"Lena? Wake up." He glanced over at her.
She blinked awake, frowned, and quickly relaxed her face. "Sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"You needed the rest." He turned onto Lena's street. "It rained the whole way until we hit Portland."
"I bet you hate when it rains, because of riding the—"
"Fuck," he blurted, reaching for the latch of his seatbelt.
Lena startled, grabbing his arm. "What's wrong?"
"Look at your house." He pulled up to the curb instead of pulling in the driveway. "Don't get out."
"Oh, my God. Who did that?" She scrambled out of the seatbelt and leaned over him to look out the driver's side window.
He dug in his jacket pocket and took out his phone. First, he texted Wayne and told him to gather the others and get over to Lena's house. Then, he put a call into 911.
DIE, BITCH was spray painted on Lena's front door.