Chapter Twenty-Four

Calista met Justin in the driveway of the B and B. She had waited in her car until he arrived for work that morning. She could have texted him, but she wanted to explain in person. She owed him that much, especially after what happened between him and Gage. She wasn’t going to stay and finish the project she started. If her father wanted his business to continue, he’d have to manage that without her. Being without her was what he wanted, and she finally understood that. She wished it were different, but a broken family was easier to accept than begging him to love her.

She took a deep breath and ran her fingers over her bracelet. “Hi.”

He stopped in his tracks. “You’re firing me because of what happened at the Ryker Ranch. I knew it. You’re on his side.”

“I’m not on anyone’s side. This isn’t about Gage.” But she hoped he would apologize soon. He promised her last night he would speak to Justin right after he talked with Izzi.

Justin leaned against the hood of the car and crossed his ankles. “What’s it about, then?”

“My dad. He doesn’t want me here anymore, and I don’t think I belong here. I can’t fix the place up. I’m sorry. I’d be happy to be a reference for you, and…” She dug inside her tote. “Here’s the pay for the next week.”

He hesitated.

“Take it. It’s the least I can do. You’re out of a job because of me. I probably shouldn’t have hired you in the first place. I was taking a big chance here, and you got caught up in my mess. I really am sorry.” She meant that in more ways than one. She was also sorry Gage hadn’t believed him and had tried to hurt him.

He pocketed the money. “I wouldn’t take it except I’m trying to get a place of my own before the fall semester.”

“You don’t have to explain. Hey, what happened at the ranch…that’s not really Gage. He was upset about losing Phyllis.”

He rubbed at his neck. “It seemed just like him to me.” He turned his gaze off toward the lake and took a deep breath. “I think I should stop hanging around with Izzi.” The thin line of his lips and the hurt in his eyes said telling her that and actually doing it cost him. He must have cared deeply for Izzi.

“Maybe it’s for the best right now. She should focus on school.” She wouldn’t give him the “they were young” speech. But if they were meant to be, they would be. She was starting to believe that.

“Yeah. I guess. Are you leaving town?”

She would have been if it wasn’t for Gage. “I’m staying through the Fourth. After that, I’m not sure what I’m doing.”

“I liked having you around. You’re one of the few people who don’t judge an Indian kid like me.”

“Don’t listen to anyone, okay? You’re a good person with a lot to offer. It doesn’t matter where you’re from or where you land. Your brother will understand eventually.” Not that he’d mentioned his brother, but what little she knew about Justin and his family life worried her. No one was really looking out for him.

“I’ll always be judged by either my family or the people who don’t look like me. My family doesn’t understand why I want to leave the rez, and white people can’t understand what it’s like to be me. Not even Sheriff Ryker. He has that big family on that ranch, and everyone in town accepts them. He doesn’t know what it’s like to worry about where you’re going to live or how to survive. I only want a place to fit in.”

Her heart broke for him. He was right about the Rykers. “Just be yourself. You’ll find the place you belong.”

“Have you?”

She gnawed on her lip. She hadn’t found that place, and she’d been looking for a long time. She’d been hanging in limbo since Ava’s death. That needed to stop. She’d figured out a few things, at least. She couldn’t find a home at the B and B and probably not in Backwater, but she might be able to find peace and purpose with Gage back in her life.

“I’m working on it. Life is a process. Much like the practice of yoga. Some days you show up and things go great, and other days you fall on your butt.”

“I don’t think all that yoga stuff is for me, but thanks. If you take off, come say goodbye, okay?”

“Sure.” She wanted to hug him but didn’t know if he would want that, so she stayed put. “Take care.”

“Yeah. You too.” He hitched his leg into the car, shut the door, and drove away.

Tears burned the back of her throat. She wanted to get out of there before her father realized she was home. Well, it wasn’t home anymore. She didn’t know where home was going to be. For now, Gage’s ranch was as close to home as she was going to get. She was unsure about being there. And though she knew how she felt about him, she still worried she’d wake up and think she’d be unable to look at him and not see Ajay pulling that trigger. Was that memory ever going to get shoved far enough away she didn’t run her fingers over it like a scab?

She fumbled for her keys in her tote. The tears spilled down her cheeks. Love wasn’t supposed to be hard.

“Calista, wait.” Her father’s voice rang out from the side of the house.

She wasn’t ready to see him, not after what he’d said to her or last night at the bar. She hurried to her car. “I have to go, Dad.” Her tote slipped from her shoulder, and her gum, hair ties, wallet, keys, lip balm, yoga therapy balls, all her essentials, spilled on the ground.

She dropped down to gather her things. The tears came harder. After everything, now was going to be the moment she lost it. Her father knelt beside her and scooped up her wallet and keys. His familiar pine scent drifted toward her. Her heart tugged to go to him, as it had when she was little, but she fought it.

“Are you okay?” He handed over her belongings.

“I’m fine. Thanks. I have to go. Gage is expecting me.” She shoved her stuff back in her tote.

He adjusted his glasses. His white hair fell forward over his brow. His smile was small, but it reached his eyes for the first time in a long time. He might actually be sober today. “Can we talk for a minute?”

“I don’t think so. There isn’t anything to say.” She didn’t want to hear the awful things he thought about her. Not now, after she had to tell Justin goodbye. Letting go hurt as much as hanging on.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” She couldn’t have heard him right.

He drew in a breath. “I’m sorry for what I said the other day. I don’t feel that way.”

“But you said it.” And he couldn’t take it back that easily.

“I know I did, and I was wrong. I was shocked when I walked into Ava’s room. I go in there every day at that time to sit for a little while. When I saw you boxing up her things, I got angry. It’s no excuse. I should never have said what I did because it isn’t true.”

“Okay.” She wasn’t sure it was okay, but what else could she say? She wanted to get in her car and drive away. Agreeing would make that happen faster.

“I want us to be okay someday. I’m going back to meetings. I’m going to make things better here and between us.”

“Why do you go into Ava’s room every day at the same time?” That seemed like torture, but so did living with her room untouched for the past sixteen years.

He kicked a stone. “That was the last time I spoke to her. I had walked past her room, and she was standing in front of her mirror in that pretty yellow dress with the flowers.”

That was the dress she had worn the night of the tragedy. “I remember it. She looked lovely in it.”

“It was a little low cut for my liking. I told her that. She just smiled at me and said, ‘Oh, Daddy. You worry too much.’ She gave me a kiss on the cheek and said she’d see me later. I wish I knew the next time I’d see her was inside a body bag.” His hands shook as he removed his glasses and wiped the tears away.

She held her breath. He had never told her that story before. “You couldn’t know, Dad. No one knew what was coming.”

“I spoke with Gage last night. Did he tell you?”

“No.”

“He cares a lot about you. He told me I needed to get my act together, and he was right. I’ve behaved badly for a very long time. I think it was when he said he wished his dad was still around that it hit me. Those boys lost their father at a young age. If Jim Ryker had still been alive, Ajay might’ve turned out differently. But I’m here, and you still lost me. I’m sorry. I didn’t stop to think about what you lost that night.”

The breeze picked up and brushed her hair away from her neck. A black-and-gold butterfly flew out of the bush and flapped its wings but hovered as if to say hello before it dashed away.

She had ignored her yoga practice since her return to Backwater because she’d been hurt by Fox’s death, the robbery, and the decay of her childhood home. But she would not ignore the sign of that butterfly. Ava was telling her to forgive their father.

“Thanks, Dad. I appreciate you saying that.” She would still need time, but this was the first step in the right direction. “I really do have to go. I’m staying in town through the Fourth.”

“You won’t finish fixing up the B and B?”

“You want me to?”

“I think so, yes. It’s time to let go of the past. If you’d let me, I’d like to help you with Ava’s room.”

“I’m not sure if I want to stay around for the rest of the summer, but I will help you with Ava’s room before I go.” She wanted to take small steps first. An apology was one thing, but her father doing what he said would go far to convince her he meant he wanted to change.

“I can live with that. Oh, before you do go, I have something for you.” He fumbled around in his shirt pocket and pulled out a gold necklace with a charm of four floating hearts.

Her breath caught in her throat.

“You should have this.” He handed over the delicate piece of jewelry that had belonged to Ava. It was her favorite necklace. She’d been wearing it that night.

“I thought this was gone.” The chain dangled from her fingers, catching the glint of the sun.

“I kept it. I shouldn’t have. You should have been wearing it all these years. Ava would’ve wanted you to have it, but I couldn’t let it go. Unfortunately, I couldn’t let anything go. I lost too much by hanging on too tightly. I hope you’ll forgive me someday, sweetie. I want to make up for what I’ve done.”

She blinked away the tears and bit down on her lip to stop the trembling. Her hand grasped the necklace. “Thank you.”

“I love you, Calista.”

“I love you, Daddy.”