She walked along quickly, in silence, her head bowed, not looking at me. But at the end of the street, on reaching the embankment, she stopped and seized me by the hand.
“I can’t breathe!” she whispered. “My heart… I can’t breathe!”
“Go back, Natasha!” I exclaimed in alarm.
“Can’t you see, Vanya? I’ve left for good, I’ve left them and I’ll never return,” she said, looking at me in utter despondency.
My heart sank. I’d foreseen this while I was on my way to visit them – and I sensed it faintly, as through a mist, perhaps long before this day. Nevertheless, her words now struck me like a thunderbolt.
We walked downcast along the embankment. I was unable to speak; I kept turning things over in my mind, I thought about it all and became totally confused. My head was spinning. It seemed to me so monstrous, so unreasonable!
“Do you blame me, Vanya, for what I’ve done?” she asked after a long silence.
“No, but… but I don’t believe it. It can’t be true!…” I replied, only dimly aware of what I was saying.
“Yes, Vanya, it is true! I’ve left them, and I don’t know what will become of them… and I don’t know what will become of me!”
“You’re going to see him, Natasha, aren’t you?
“Yes!” she replied.
“But that’s impossible!” I exclaimed in desperation. “Don’t you realize it’s just not possible, Natasha, my poor darling! It’s sheer madness. Don’t you realize you’ll kill them and destroy yourself! Have you thought about that, Natasha?”
“I have, but what am I to do? I can’t help it,” she said, and her voice was full of despair, as though she were going to her death.
“Go back, go back before it’s too late,” I implored her, and the more passionate and insistent I became, the more aware I was of the utter futility and inappropriateness of my entreaties at that moment. “Do you understand, Natasha, what this will do to your father? Have you considered that? Don’t you know that Alyosha’s father is your father’s enemy? Have you forgotten that the Prince insulted your father, accused him of embezzling money, and called him a thief? That there’s a legal battle going on… But never mind that! There’s more to it, don’t you realize, Natasha?… (Oh God! It’s not as if you didn’t know all that!) Surely you know that the Prince accused your mother and father of deliberately bringing you and Alyosha together when Alyosha stayed at your house in the country? Think, just think what your father must have been going through because of this slander. He’s gone completely grey these last two years – haven’t you noticed? But the main thing is that you know all this, Natasha. Oh God! I daren’t even begin to think what would happen to them if they lost you for ever! You’re their treasure, all they have left in their old age. I don’t even want to talk about it – you should realize all this yourself. Don’t forget your father believes you’ve been deliberately vilified and slandered by all those arrogant people – and they’ve got away with it! But now, right now, everything’s blown up again, the old wound has been reopened, because you’ve been receiving Alyosha in your home. The Prince has insulted your father again, who’s still getting over this new shock and then suddenly finds all of it, all these accusations, justified after all! Everyone who knows about this will stop blaming the Prince and blame you and your father instead. Well, what’s going to happen to him? It will kill him! Humiliation, disgrace – and who is the cause? His daughter, his one and only precious child! And what about your mother? She won’t outlive your father… Natasha, Natasha!… What are you doing? Come to your senses! Go back!”
She didn’t say a word; finally she looked at me with reproach in her eyes, and I saw so much pain there, so much suffering, that I realized how deeply wounded she was, even without my making it worse. I knew what her decision must have cost her, and how I was hurting and tormenting her with my worthless and belated commentary; I knew all this, but nevertheless could not restrain myself, and went on.
“Didn’t you say to Anna Andreyevna just now that perhaps you wouldn’t go to… vespers? So you’d have liked to stay – you hadn’t quite made up your mind then, had you?”
Her only reply was a bitter smile. Why did I have to ask that? I ought to have known that everything had already been decided irrevocably. But I too was beside myself.
“Have you really fallen in love with him that much?” I demanded, staring at her with a sinking heart, and hardly aware of what I was asking.
“What can I say to you, Vanya? Can’t you see for yourself! He told me to come, and here I am, waiting for him,” she said with the same bitter smile.
“But listen, just listen to me,” I began to plead again catching at a straw. “All this can still be sorted out, there must be another way, there must be some other way out altogether! There’s no need to leave home. I’ll show you what to do, my darling Natasha. I’ll see to everything for you, everything, your meetings too, and all the rest of it… Only don’t leave home!… I’ll be your go-between. Why not? Anything’s better than this. Leave it all to me, I won’t let you down, you’ll see, I really won’t… And you won’t be distressing yourself, my darling, as you’re doing now… Just look at what you’re doing to yourself now! Come, Natasha, everything will turn out for the best, and you’ll be able to love each other as much as you want… And when your father and his father stop their feuding, as I’m sure they will, then…”
“That’s enough, Vanya, don’t go on,” she interrupted, squeezing my hand firmly, and smiling through tears. “My good, kind Vanya! How marvellous and honest you are! And you’ve not said a word about yourself! It was I who deserted you first, and you’ve forgiven me everything, all you think of is my happiness. You want to be our go-between…”
She burst into tears.
“I know, Vanya, how much you loved me, how much you still do, and not an angry word, not a single bitter word of reproach have I heard from you all this time! But I, I… My God, I feel so guilty! Do you remember, Vanya, do you remember our times together? Oh, if only I’d never seen or met him at all!… I’d have lived with you, Vanya, with you, my good darling boy!… No, I’m not worthy of you! You see what I’m like – even at a moment like this I’m reminding you of our happiness in the past, as though you hadn’t been hurt enough already! Now, you haven’t been to see us for three weeks. I swear to you though, Vanya, it never occurred to me that you might have cursed or hated me. I know why you stayed away – you didn’t want to be a burden and a living reproach to us. But surely you must have felt awful seeing us together! And how I waited for you, Vanya, how I waited for you! Listen, Vanya, even if I do love Alyosha – madly, insanely – perhaps I love you even more, as a friend. I feel it, I know I couldn’t survive without you. I need you, I need your heart of gold, your soul… Oh Vanya! What bitter, what hard times lie ahead of us!”
She broke down in a flood of tears. She was utterly distraught.
“Oh, how I was longing to see you!” she continued, suppressing her tears. “How thin, how sickly, how pale you look. Have you really been unwell, Vanya? There, I haven’t even asked after you! I go on and on about myself. Well, how have you been getting on with the critics? What about your new novel, is it coming along?”
“Never mind me and my novels, Natasha! You don’t want to hear about my affairs! They’re all right – who cares? But look here, Natasha, was it he who insisted you should go to him?”
“No, not just him, it was me for the most part. True, he did talk about it, but it was really me… Look, my darling, I’ll tell you everything. They’ve found him a fiancée who’s wealthy and comes from a very good family. She belongs to one of the best. His father definitely wants the marriage to go ahead, and of course you know what the man’s like – an awful schemer. He’s left no stone unturned. For him it’s the chance of a lifetime. Connections, money… And they say she’s very beautiful, well educated too, and kind – she’s a perfect match for him. Alyosha’s very fond of her. And besides, his father can’t wait to get him off his hands to pave the way for his own marriage – that’s why he’s so determined to put an end to our relationship, come what may. He’s afraid of me and the influence I have on Alyosha…”
“Surely,” I interrupted her in surprise, “surely the Prince doesn’t know you love each other! He might have had his suspicions, but he couldn’t have been certain.”
“He knows, he knows everything.”
“But who told him?”
“Alyosha did, not long ago. He said he’d told his father everything.”
“Good God! What on earth’s going on between you! Do you mean to say he told his father everything, at a time like this—”
“Don’t blame him, Vanya,” Natasha interrupted, “don’t make fun of him! He shouldn’t be judged like everyone else. Be fair. He’s not like you and me. He’s so immature. His upbringing doesn’t help either. Do you think he understands what he’s doing? The first impression, the first outside influence can put him off everything that he’s sworn to only a minute earlier. He has no strength of character. He’ll swear eternal fidelity to you one day, and the next he’ll just as openly, just as sincerely change sides – and what’s more he’ll be the first to come and tell you all about it. He might even do something awful, but you couldn’t possibly hold it against him, only feel sorry for him. Not that he’s incapable of self-sacrifice, you’d be amazed! But only until something else takes his fancy, then he’ll forget everything again. He’ll forget me too, unless I’m constantly beside him. That’s just how he is!”
“Oh Natasha, perhaps none of this is true, just rumour. How can someone so immature get married!”
“I’m telling you, his father’s behind it all.”
“And how do you know his bride is so beautiful, and that he’s so fond of her?”
“Because he told me so himself.”
“What? He told you himself he can love another woman, and still ask you to sacrifice yourself for him?”
“No, Vanya, no! You don’t know him, you’ve seen so little of him. You’ve got to get to know him better before you judge. There’s no one in the world more truthful and pure of heart, believe me! Would you really rather he’d lied? And as for his being easily infatuated with someone else, I only need to let him out of my sight for a week and he’ll have forgotten me altogether, but the minute he sees me he’ll be at my feet again. Yes, it’s just as well I’m aware of what’s going on and that it’s not happening behind my back, or my suspicions would have driven me to my grave. Yes, Vanya, this much I do know – unless I’m with him all the time, constantly, every waking minute, he’ll stop loving me, forget me, and desert me. That’s the way he is – any woman can lure him away. And where would I be then? I’d die… But that wouldn’t be the worst of it! I’d gladly die this very moment! How could I live without him? It would be worse than death, worse than any torture! Oh Vanya, Vanya! Surely you can see now I wouldn’t have left mother and father lightly! Don’t try to talk me out of it – everything’s been decided! I must be by his side every hour, every minute. I can’t go back. I know I’ve ruined myself and I’ve ruined others… Oh Vanya!” she exclaimed, and began to tremble all over. “What if he really no longer loves me! What if what you’ve just said about him is really true, that he’s only deceiving me and pretending to be truthful and honest,” (I had never said anything of the sort) “but in reality is evil and vain! I’m standing up for him now, yet for all I know he may well be with another woman at this very moment, mocking me in his heart… and here am I, low and despicable, walking the streets looking for him, having turned my back on everything… Oh Vanya!”
Natasha uttered this with such pain that it shook me to the core. I realized that she had lost all control over herself. Only blind, insane jealousy at its most extreme could have led her to such a perverse decision. But jealousy welled up in me too, and burst from my heart. I could bear it no longer – a vile impulse swept me along.
“Natasha,” I said, “there’s only one thing that puzzles me – how can you still love him after what you’ve just said about him? You don’t respect him, you don’t even believe in his love for you – and yet here you are, completely surrendering yourself to him, and destroying everybody else for his sake! What is all this? He’ll ruin your whole life, and you’ll ruin his. You love him too much, Natasha, far too much! I don’t understand such love!”
“Yes, I love him madly,” she replied, going pale as though she were in physical pain. “I never loved you as much as that, Vanya. I realize myself that I’ve lost control of my senses and that I shouldn’t love him as I do. It’s an unwholesome love that I feel for him… Listen, Vanya, I knew all along, even in our most blissful moments together I felt he would bring me nothing but pain. But what am I to do now if even the pain he causes means happiness for me? Do you imagine I expect him to make my life a joy? Do you think I don’t know what I’m letting myself in for, what I’ll have to go through because of him? He swore he loved me and was full of promises, but they’re worthless and I don’t trust a single one of them, and never have, even though I know he’s never lied to me and is incapable of telling a lie. I told him myself I don’t want to tie him down in any way. It’s better for him. No one likes being tied down, least of all me. And yet I’d be happy to be his slave, his willing slave, to put up with absolutely anything from him as long as he was with me, as long as I could just look at him! I think I’d even put up with him loving another woman, as long as I was with him, as long as I was there with the two of them… Isn’t it disgusting, Vanya?” she suddenly exclaimed, looking at me with feverish, blazing eyes. For a moment I imagined she was delirious. “It’s disgusting to wish for such a thing, isn’t it? Well? I admit it’s disgusting, but if he were to reject me, I’d still run after him to the ends of the earth – even if he were to push me aside and chase me away. There you are, trying to persuade me to turn back – but what good would that do? Even if I did return, I’d only go back to him the very next day. He’d only have to say the word – and I’d be back. He’d only have to whistle, call me and I’d run to him like a puppy to her master… Suffering! I’m not afraid of any suffering! It would be enough to know that it was because of him I was suffering… Oh, you’ve no idea, Vanya!”
“And what about your father and mother?” I thought to myself. It was as though she had already forgotten them.
“So he’s not going to marry you after all, Natasha?”
“He promised, he promised everything. That’s precisely why he wants me to go to him now, so that we can get married tomorrow with no fuss, in the country. But he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he just didn’t know how to go about it. And what sort of a husband would he make? It’s just too ridiculous for words. And if he did marry, he’d be unhappy, and start reproaching me… I’d hate it if he were ever to reproach me for anything. I’d let him have everything, and ask for nothing in return. If marriage is to make him miserable, why make him miserable?”
“No, this is all a bad dream, Natasha,” I said. “Are you going straight to him now?”
“No, he promised to come here and fetch me. We agreed…” And she looked in desperation along the embankment, but there was no one to be seen.
“And he’s not here yet! You arrived first!” I exclaimed with indignation. Natasha’s features were suddenly contorted in pain as though she had been dealt a blow.
“He may not even turn up at all,” she said with a bitter smile. “The other day he wrote that if I didn’t promise to meet him, he’d be obliged to postpone his decision to… marry me, and his father would take him to his fiancée. He put it all so simply, so naturally, as though it really didn’t matter at all… What if he really has gone to her, Vanya?”
I did not reply. She squeezed my hand tightly, and her eyes began to glint.
“He’s with her,” she said almost inaudibly. “He hoped I wouldn’t come here, so that he could go to her and then claim he was right after all, that he’d informed me in good time and that it was I that hadn’t turned up. He’s had enough of me, that’s why he’s staying away… Oh God! I’m going mad! Do you know, he told me last time that he’d had enough of me… So what am I waiting for!”
“There he is!” I cried out, suddenly catching sight of him in the distance on the embankment.
Natasha shook all over, let out a cry, fixed her gaze on Alyosha as he approached and then, suddenly letting go of my hand, rushed towards him. He too quickened his pace, and a moment later she was in his arms. Apart from us the street was almost deserted. They kissed and laughed; Natasha laughed and cried all at the same time, as though they had come together after an interminable separation. Her pale cheeks flushed with colour; she was almost frantic. Alyosha noticed me and immediately came up to me.