Chapter Fourteen

 

"What are you doing this far out in my neck of the woods, boy?"

Ki looked up as the rough voice rang out. Zeke suddenly appeared between two trees. With a rifle cradled in his arms, wearing ancient army fatigues and laced up combat boots, he looked like the eccentric hermit he was.

"Sorry if I'm getting too close to your still, Zeke."

The grizzled old man scowled at him. "What still? I don't have no still, Ki Jones, and you know it. They're against the law."

Ki smiled at the blatant lie. "Don't worry. I won't give your secret away. I needed to get out and thought a hike would do me some good. I guess I sort of wandered out this way."

He needed to do something to sort out his feelings of the past few days. He already knew he was acting like a bastard to Syd, but he wasn't sure how to fix it without confronting her with what he knew. And he wasn't ready to do that just yet. So, instead, he talked at Syd instead of to her.

And he saw the hurt turning her eyes a dull color as she looked at him with questions he wasn't ready to answer. Probably because he had a lot of questions of his own he wanted answered. She wasn't going to be happy when she found out he knew what he did about her. So he turned himself inward while he tried to figure things out for himself. Maybe then he could come to terms with his feelings for Syd. Because how do you love a government agent even an ex government agent whose middle name was danger?

She'd teased him about danger in their relationship many times, but now that he knew what he did, he realized that was nothing compared to the danger she encountered in her work. And it made his blood turn, cold at the idea she could have been shot or worse and left dying in some foreign country and no one probably would have given a damn about her! Funny that the guy who would end up caring was the same one who vowed there would never be one special woman in his life.

Zeke lifted his face skyward. "Not a good day for a walk. I wouldn't be surprised if we got more snow by night fall. You should be back in that cabin with that little lady of yours. She'd be a hell of a lot prettier to look at than this old face. And a hell of a lot warmer."

"Yeah, I know."

The older man stared at Ki long and hard as if he'd come to a decision, he looked around to make sure no one else was lurking around; He curved his arm over his head and gestured.

"Come on, I'll get ya somethin' to warm ya up,"

Ki shuddered at the thought of Zeke's idea of a warm up drink. He'd be lucky to have any stomach lining left

"If you don't mind, I'd like to live out the rest of this year, Zeke," he said, following the man.

He snorted his contempt. "You kids today can't take the good stuff. You'd be a hell of a lot better off with my brew than those fancy wine coolers everybody drinks. They're nothin' more'n colored water, boy. You might as well drink milk as drink that."

"I never turn down beer." But he wouldn't turn down a chance to sit with Zeke and momentarily forget about his worries. Who could tell? Maybe Zeke's paint thinner that doubled for a drink would have his answers for him.

"Beer's for sissies," Zeke scoffed, ambling off with Ki on his heels. "We're gettin' us a man's drink. Then you can tell me what's got you so bothered."

"If you can come up with an answer," Ki muttered, "you're a hell of a better man than I am."

 

"OKAY, WE'VE GOT IT ALL. A snow dad, snow mom, snow girl, snow boy and a snow dog." Syd stood back and examined their handiwork. "It is a snow dog, isn't it?"

After Ki had taken off that morning without a word as to where he was going, Syd asked the kids if they wanted to build a snow family in the front yard of the cabin. They quickly said yes and bundled up against the cold. Syd slipped sweaters on the two dogs before they all ventured outdoors.

The day was crisp and very cold, a perfect day, she explained, for constructing their snow family. It took them all morning, and after a break for lunch, they had returned to their tasks. They had finished the last statue only a few moments before.

Jamie stood in front of her, also studying the figures. "It looks more like a rat to me. You shouldn't have let Heidi make the dog. She doesn't do it very well."

Heidi stamped her foot. "Don't you make fun of my dog! He looks just like Cocoa and Bogie."

"How can it when it doesn't even look like a dog?"

"All right, Jamie. Heidi, it's a wonderful dog." Syd stepped in to mediate. "How about some hot chocolate to celebrate? We've been out here so long I'm surprised we haven't turned into snow people ourselves."

"Can we have a snowball fight afterward?" Jamie asked.

"Maybe tomorrow." "Hey, there!"

Syd and the children turned at the sound of Ki's voice. Syd hoped she was the only one who noticed Ki was walking a little awkwardly.

"Did you have a nice walk?" Her voice was as chilly as the air.

"Just great." He seemed to be working hard at enunciating his words. "I ran into Zeke. He invited me back to his place and we talked for a while. Or I should say he talked. He likes to relive his days during World War II." He walked up to Syd and crooked his arm around her neck, pulling her close for a kiss.

She thought she'd choke from the fumes. "I'd say you did a lot more than talk." She wrinkled her nose. "I'd tell you what you smell like, but I'm not sure if it's turpentine or worse."

"It was real cold, so we had a little something to warm us up." He held up his thumb and forefinger extended a fraction apart as he rocked back and forth. He noticed the figures at the edge of the yard. "What do we have here?"

"We've been playing in the snow this morning," Syd told him. "There's a snow dad, snow mom, snow boy, snow girl and snow dog."

Jamie suddenly giggled. He pointed toward the figures. "Look."

Heidi looked over and suddenly screamed. “No, Cocoa, Bogie, no!"

Jamie bent over laughing so hard he couldn't talk as the dogs angled alongside the snow dog and each lifted a rear leg.

"I guess they didn't like Heidi's snow dog." Syd pressed her lips together to keep from laughing.

Ki coughed to hide his laugh.

"Bad dogs! Bad!" Heidi shrieked, running after them.

The two dogs scampered off, looking confused by her anger. To them, it was nothing more than a white tree.

"Come on, let's get some hot chocolate." Syd herded them inside. "And hot coffee for you," she muttered to Ki.

"Why? I'm nice and toasty."

"Toasty isn't the word I'd use."

Syd set cups of water in the microwave for the kids' hot chocolate and poured coffee for herself and Ki. She placed a plate of cookies on the table to complete their snack.

She waited until the children finished their hot chocolate and ran upstairs to play,

"What is wrong with you?" she asked bluntly,

Ki looked her square in the eye. Syd had made the coffee strong enough to float the entire Seventh Fleet. "Nothing."

"I don't believe you."

He got up and poured himself another cup.

"Sometimes I think Zeke's home brew could strip paint," he commented, as if the tension between them I hadn't grown to the breaking point. He sat down and picked up a cookie. "It looks like you three were busy this morning. This must be a change from your usual way of killing time." There was a bite in his words Syd hadn't heard from him in a long time.

She reached across him with lightning speed and grasped his wrist, gently pressing her thumb on a nerve that she knew would produce a tingling sensation along his arm. If she pressed harder, he would lose all feeling for a while. She was tempted to press another nerve that would render him unconscious. Maybe when he came to, he'd have the answers she wanted.

As if he hadn't noticed a thing, Ki slowly turned his head.

"Don't even think about it." The warning was given in a flat voice that was more unsettling than any anger he might have exhibited.

Syd reared back, surprised by his vehemence. She stared at him, stunned. The man seated across from her wasn't the same man who made such wild wonderful love to her. The man who held her in his aims offering sweet comfort. The man she was in love with.

Ki broke the eye contact first. He stood up and carried his cup to the sink. He walked out of the kitchen without looking at her.

"I think I'll take a hot bath. It's been a long day."

“Ki."

He wouldn't have turned, but there was a slight catch in her voice that tugged at his soul.

"Don't do this." Syd broke all her rules by begging, but by now she didn't care. "Not to us."

"I have some things I need to work out in my mind," he said quietly. "We'll talk later."

"Will we?'" The softly spoken words followed him into his room.

Ki collapsed against his door. He was queasy from Zeke's home brew and tired from all the walking he'd done that day. He stared at his computer as if it would hold all the answers. One did come to him. What he did was wrong. He'd basically investigated her instead of waiting for her to tell him. As he pushed away from the door, he came to the decision of going in and deleting Syd's file after his bath. And he'd make damn sure she never found out what he'd done.

 

SYD HEARD THE WATER running, then stop. She waited awhile longer. She didn't want him to have an excuse to escape her, because she intended to have it out right now. The fact that he'd basically be a captive in his own bathtub would only make it harder for him to think about retreating.

She made sure the kids were occupied, then headed for his room.

When Syd walked into the room, she noticed Ki's clothes flung across the bed as haphazardly made as Jamie's bed. She started to walk toward the closed bathroom door when something stopped her. That inner self protective sense prompted her to turn around, but all she saw was his laptop computer.

She wasn't sure what made her go over to it. Maybe it was remembering the time the phone rang and something clicked in his computer. He never mentioned receiving information for an upcoming book that way before. And his attitude toward her hadn't changed until that day.

Syd never felt uneasy going through someone else's personal belongings or records. It had been part of her job for too long. But this was different. This was Ki's.

She took a deep breath and blanked her mind as she switched on the computer. The low hum sounded loud in her ears as she acquainted herself with the software and brought up the menu. Most of the files were pretty self-explanatory, dealing with his book on Thomas Baskin. A few looked to be personal and a few weren't as concise. She made her way through each one. One was letters to his agent, his mother and someone named Fran who she gathered knew Ki a lot better than Syd would like her to. Her heart stopped when she brought up the last file and began reading. She scrolled through most of it, not bothering to read. She didn't have to. She already knew what most of it said. And the private file the agency kept on her wasn't as surprising as it might have been a year ago.

She felt a tiny rip deep within her. Was it Ki, the writer, who studied these files about her? Or Ki, her lover?

"Find anything interesting?"

She slowly turned around, keeping her hands, behind her hack. That way they wouldn't find their way around his neck. Even seeing him with steam floating out from the bathroom behind him, his skin still damp from his bath and a towel draped around his hips didn't change her mind.

“I had no idea the agency knew about my switching toothpaste brands," she said with an evenness that surprised her. Right now, she wanted to scream at him. To rant and rave and demand to know why he had done this to her. "And here I thought I had a few secrets. But I guess I shouldn't expect that in my business."

What she noticed most was his lack of embarrassment at being caught.

She took a deep breath.

"How did you get them?"

"Trade secret."

Syd held up her hand as if to ward him off. "What does it matter now? Do you realize what you've done? You've let them know where I am."

Ki laughed at what he considered her paranoia. "There's no way they could know. My source is very adept at getting in and out of computers. He doesn't leave any tracks."

By now Syd was furious. She was furious at Ki for doing this to her. And furious with herself for falling in love with him. "You fool! Do you honestly think ISA doesn't have traps laid out? The minute a file is, pulled, there's a red flag! They'd immediately trace it to your source and there was probably a tap put on his phone before the hour was out. And he faxed it to you here." She sliced her hand through the air. "They know where l am!"

"Fine, if they know where you are, why haven't they shown up yet to drag you back to D.C.?" he demanded. "Maybe that's what you're hoping for? That they'll make your decision for you. Tell you to get your pretty little ass back to hobnobbing with those arms dealers and whatever else you used to do with them."

Syd was across the room before Ki finished his last sentence, and her hand lashed across his face so hard his head whipped to one side.

"You bastard," she hissed. "You don't know anything about what I used to do. What you read in those reports are only words. They don't detail a fraction of how I felt whenever I finished." She went over to the computer, deleted the file and switched the computer off. "You couldn't just ask me, could you?" The pain she felt was so great she couldn't hide it.

He wished he had a plausible excuse for her. "I made a mistake by asking for your file. I'd planned to delete it myself tonight. After I thought about it, I realized I should have waited for you to tell me what you wanted to tell me instead of finding out for myself."

She shook her head, denying him a chance to say anything more. She walked toward the door but stopped and turned around before opening it.

"We'll be leaving tomorrow."

"To run and hide from your Mean Mr. Leo again?" he jeered, stung by her abrupt announcement. Although, he acknowledged, it shouldn't surprise him. "Just as you've been doing? You know, you might not get so lucky with the next guy whose house you break into."

The blaze from Syd's eyes should have burst him into flames.

"How could I ever think I could love you?" She twisted the knob and walked out. The door swung shut behind her.

It wasn't until then Ki allowed his knees to give out on him. He knew to the second when Syd told the children they were leaving. The cries of dismay told him. But it was the memory of the hurt shining in Syd's eyes as she looked at him that haunted him the most. And the knowledge he'd put it there.

 

SYD HATED TO CRY because crying made her eyes red and swollen and caused her nose to run. In short, she was a pitiful sight. She wanted to hate Ki for making her cry, but it was hard to hate someone you loved.

"Auntie Syd." Heidi's low voice stopped her tears effectively.

She swiped her hand across her nose and turned over in bed. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

Her lower lip trembled. I had a bad dream. I don't want to leave here. What if Santa can't find me?"

Syd gathered her into the bed. "I thought you wanted to go back home. Besides, remember what Jamie and I told you? Santa can always find you.”

"I don’t want to go without Ki."

Syd blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling. "I know, honey, but we have to."

"But I thought we were going to have Christmas here."

She only prayed she wouldn't cry now. The last thing she wanted to do was upset Heidi more. “Things changed. We're going back now."

Heidi snuggled close to her aunt. "It won't be the same without Ki," she mumbled as she fell asleep.

Syd lay awake, crying silently until sheer exhaustion took its toll.

 

"WHAT IF I SAID I was sorry?"

Syd had gotten up at dawn, finished the packing and had just loaded the last item into the back of her Jeep while the kids put on their coats. She turned to look at Ki, who stood nearby with Cocoa and Bogie dancing around his legs in their own bid for attention. She figured she must have looked as bad as he did.

His eyes were darkly shadowed from little sleep and his features drawn. He hadn't shaved that morning and even his hair hadn't been combed. He stood before her with a stark expression written on his face.

"Trust is very important to me, Ki," she said huskily. "I needed it in order to survive. I doubt I would have told you all that was in the file, but I would have told you enough so you would know the person I was. Still, maybe what you did was a good thing. You know what kind of person I was and I know what kind of person you are."

He winced as her verbal dart struck home.

"Maybe it's for the best." She forced the words past a clogged throat. "Your work requires a lot of traveling, and with Jamie in school and Heidi in preschool and entering kindergarten next fall, that isn't possible. So I'm going back to Virginia, and I'm going to march into Leo's office and tell him to get off my back or else."

"Then fly back to Virginia, do that and come back here." He was past caring that he was begging. He picked up Bogie and scratched him behind his ears as he looked at Syd. "I don't want to lose you, Syd. I love you."

She refused to cry in front of him. Her chin wobbled dangerously, but she wasn't going to cry.

"I wish you had said that a little while before. Maybe it would have changed things, although I don't think it would have." She turned to see Heidi and Jamie walking slowly outside. 'Come on, I want to get going."

"I don't want to go!" Heidi wailed, running toward Ki and throwing her arms around him. "You need us, Ki!"

He put Bogie down and dropped to his knees to hold her tightly against him. "Hey, don't worry, okay? Everything will be fine. You'll see," he assured her, using a comer of his shirttail to dry her tears, He urged her toward the Jeep.

Jamie stopped in front of Ki and held out his hand.

"She doesn't stay mad long," he muttered.

As if deciding a hug wouldn't be too childish, Jamie threw his arms around Ki. He bent his head and whispered something in Ki's ear.

“Be good and take care of them, Jamie,” Ki said huskily when Jamie stepped back. The boy ran to the Jeep and climbed in.

That left Syd. Ki straightened up and walked toward her.

"You know, we all make mistakes," he said slowly.

"I can't do anything more than apologize, and I hope one day you'll come to realize that I'd like to be in your life and I want you in mine." He tucked a small card in her jacket pocket. "It has my agent's phone number and my cellular phone number. If you ever need anything, I want you to call me."

"Our lives are moving indifferent directions, Ki. You're happiest on your own traveling around the country and writing your books. And I want to make a home for the kids and myself." Her voice was raw from all her crying. "I'm no longer angry at you, but I still feel it's better that we part now, rather than later when it will be harder on us and on the kids."

She reached up and pressed a light kiss against his mouth. It wasn't until she drew back that he realized his lips were salty from her tears.

"Goodbye, Ki," she murmured, hurrying back to the Jeep. She whistled for the dogs and put them in the back seat before climbing into the driver's seat.

As the truck grew smaller in the distance, Ki felt as if he was watching a part of him drive off. He slowly walked back inside the cabin. The smell of pine was everywhere. He looked at the tree with its colorful ornaments and thought how lonely it looked now.

He walked closer when he realized there were two brightly wrapped packages underneath. One much larger than the other

For Ki from Heidi and Jamie read the label on the smaller package.

Not wanting to wait, he tore open the paper and laughed when he found a set of earplugs inside the box. And almost cried.

"You might find this will come in handy in the hot tub. Love, Syd" was written on the larger package.

Ki ripped the paper off and pulled a high powered water gun out of the box.

He stared at two of the most incongruous gifts a man could receive. Ki knew he would never receive two gifts that would mean more to him,

 

"NO, LEO. How many times do I have to say it?" Syd strode to the front door and pulled it open.

"You came back from California the same day I flew out there. That has to mean you miss the agency," her boss argued as he poked a cigar in his mouth.

Syd waved her hand in front of her face when it looked as if he was going to light up.

"Not in the house," she said firmly, pulling the door open. "And no, I don't miss it. I've gotten a catalog from Georgetown. I think I'll go back to get my law degree."

"Lord save us from more lawyers!" He walked outside with Syd following. She wanted to make sure he was definitely leaving. He turned around. "You were one of my best, kid. I don't know how I'm going to replace you," he said mournfully.

She resisted the urge to feel sorry for him, "I have faith in you." She kissed his cheek.

He looked around at the neatly landscaped colonial style house and shook his head. "This isn't you, sweetheart."

"Heidi and Jamie are familiar with it. That's fine for now," Syd walked him to his car where his driver waited patiently.

Leo looked at her with the idea of trying one more time. When he read the resolve in her face he knew it was useless.

"You have a good Christmas," he said gruffly.

"Do yourself a favor, Leo, and go home and celebrate Christmas Eve with your wife," she advised, "You just might like it."

Syd remained outside, watching Leo's car drive off. She was still tired from her marathon drive back to Virginia. But she wanted them to be back before Christmas. She'd found and decorated a tree, although not with half the enthusiasm she'd put into the tree in Tahoe. She resolutely tried to put Ki out of her mind, but she found it wasn't all that easy.

Every night, she lay in bed wishing he was lying beside her. Even the dogs searched the house for a fourth human.

Syd had used the drive back to mull over the days spent with Ki and what he had done. She still felt his getting hold of her records was wrong, but she knew she was wrong in running away. He was right. She had been running from Leo because she didn't want to confront the issue. And she had run from Ki because it was easier than confronting him. She'd had enough confrontation in dealing with Shane's and Jenny's deaths. She wondered if he would talk to her if she called him after the holidays.

She started back for the house with the intention of letting the dogs back in. Bogie had taken an immediate dislike to Leo and was put outside before he took a chunk out of Leo's leg or lifted his leg.

She had just turned around when the sound of car alerted her to company.

"It's too early for the kids to be back," she murmured. A neighbor had asked if they could come over for a Christmas Eve children’s party that afternoon, and Syd had said yes since she thought it would be good for them. She remained on the front step, watching a dark sedan make its way up the curving driveway. She couldn't quite make out the driver, but there was something about him that alerted her senses.

She grew very still as she watched the car roll to a stop and the driver climb out

"Damn cars have no guts," Ki grumbled. He looked up and caught Syd's eyes on him. The naked longing he felt was reflected in her gaze. "Jamie told me your address."

She licked her lips as she tried to form the right words.

"Why did you come?"

"A car passed me with a man sitting in the backseat who looked as if he'd shoot his best friend on a bet, and he was chewing on a cigar. Sound like anyone you know?" He couldn't stop looking at her. She looked beautiful even dressed in leg hugging jeans and a salmon-colored sweater that hung loosely around her hips.

She stared at him as if afraid he'd disappear if she looked away. "Leo wanted to try one more time."

He remained by the car door. After all, he might be out of here in the next ten seconds. "What did you tell him?"

"I told him what I've always told him. Except this time he believed me." She felt as if the few feet between them were a hundred. "Told him I picked up a catalog at Georgetown. I'm thinking of going back to law school."

Ki grew very still. "There are good law schools in California."

"But I don't live in California." She stepped carefully. She was still hurting. She didn't want to hurt anymore.

"I have a house there, although I don't use it very much. I only bought it for a tax write off," he explained. "Or, if you think it would be better for the kids, we could live here."

Syd was so afraid to hope for the best. "What about your books?""

"I'd have to do some traveling for them, but not as much as I do now," he explained. "And there's no reason why I can't just gather up my information and go home to write the book. Besides, you pick out some points I don't always notice." He closed the door and walked slowly toward her. "When we were young and stupid, my three buddies and I took a vow we'd never get married. If all goes well, Deke's going to win the title of World's Last Bachelor. Funny thing is, that's one title I don't mind losing if you're willing to marry me."

Syd's body jerked. "Marry?" she uttered the word as if unable to believe it.

He nodded as he stopped in front of her. "What better combination can you think of than a true crime writer and an ex-spy turned lawyer?" His green eyes softened. "Ah, Syd, I love you so much it hurts. When you left the cabin, I felt like sitting down and bawling like a baby. And then I found my gifts."

"Did you open them?" she asked in a small voice, already seeing her answer in his eyes that shimmered, just as her own eyes filled with tears.

"Yeah, and then I did bawl." A crooked smile curved his mouth. "Will you marry me, Sydney Ann Taylor? I think I’d like to be around when Heidi gets to dating age and you handle her overeager boyfriends. Those guys will never know what hit them because they’ll think I’ll be the dangerous one."

"Oh, Ki." Her voice was hushed and for once she didn't tamp down her emotions. Syd threw herself into Ki's arms and returned his kiss as hotly and eagerly as he offered it. "I've missed you so much. I was so stupid not to talk it out with you. I wish I had. I'm not going to run anymore," she murmured, digging into his waistband and pulling his shirt out. She had the sudden desperate need to feel his skin.

"Honey, as much as I like what you're doing, we're out here in the open," he mumbled even as his hands found their way under her sweater. He swore under his breath when he discovered she wasn't wearing a bra. "And I'd hate to give the kids an early sex education."

"They're at a party," she told him in a breathless voice.

Ki picked her up and carried her into the house as she offered directions to her bedroom.

"So, does this mean you're going to marry me?" he asked as he slammed the front door closed after them.