Chapter 4

I wake up the next morning to a tapping sound on my bedroom window. At first I think it’s a bear. It could also be a mosquito. In Texas, our mosquitos are sometimes as big as bears.

Tap, tap, rap, tap. The noise is annoying!

I roll out of bed and grab my slingshot just in case it’s a bear. Dad keeps telling me that we don’t have bears where we live, but I keep telling him that’s exactly what the bears want us to think.

I rub the sleep from my eyes and peer out the window. It’s not a bear. It’s Billy! He’s back from his family vacation!

I unlock the window and slide up the glass.

“Are you going to use that slingshot to fling food at me?” he asks. “I’m starving, so I say go for it!”

“Ha, ha!” I laugh. “So they don’t have food in Florida? How was the vacation?”

Billy’s family always leaves the day school gets out for a summer vacation. It’s sort of a bummer because I have to spend the first few days of summer break by myself. But now he’s back. The fun is about to begin!

That’s when my dad walks in the room.

“Oh, hey Billy,” he says. “How was your vacation in Florida?”

“It was awesome, Mr. Smiley! We went to the NASA Space Center and I brought back a real rocket that explo—um . . . that explains how rockets work. It’s actually more of a book in the shape of a rocket.”

“Good save,” my dad says with a smile.

Two thoughts hit me at once. First, Billy was actually able to get the rocket I asked him to buy while he was in Florida. Second, he’ll be super excited to hear that, while he was gone, I already got one of the walls and some wood for the floor of our tree house!

You see, this isn’t the first summer Billy and I had planned to build a tree house. But our plans never worked out due to the Bulging Bandit Burglar.

Scotland has the Loch Ness Monster, the state of Washington has Bigfoot, and New York has Lady Gaga. But none of those things are as scary as the Bulging Bandit Burglar that lives in the forest behind my house.

Of course, Billy and I have never actually seen this mythical beast, but Mr. Polvado says it’s six feet tall with bulging muscles, sharp teeth, and a mask over its eyes.

It sounds hideous and a little ridiculous. Maybe Mr. Polvado just made it up to keep us from hammering in a tree near his home. He’s funny like that. But in past summers, we didn’t take any chances. Any time we heard noises in the woods, we’d stop working on the tree house and start working on our sprinting . . . mainly toward my house.

Not this year, though! Nothing is going to stop us from building what people will soon call “The Greatest Tree House Ever Built.” Not only do I have one wall thanks to my amazing performance at the VBS play, I also got two wooden crates to use for the floor from Old Man Gus at the hardware store.

He gave them to me for free. I just had to listen to Gus talk for about an hour and a half. During that time he said almost six sentences! Gus isn’t the fastest talker in the world, but if you listen closely, he has great things to say—especially about how to restack the paint cans that I, er, some kid accidentally knocks down every time he walks in.

I also remembered to invite him to church! That leaves only 485 more people to invite before the end of the summer. I thought it was a good idea to invite Gus early because it would probably take him a month to walk the three blocks from his house to the church. He’s not just a slow talker. He’s slow at everything.

Anyway, it’s great to have Billy back in town.

“Meet me at the big tree at seven tomorrow morning,” I tell him.

I actually want Billy to show up by nine, so I tell him to be there at seven. It pays to know your best friend really well.

The next morning Billy shows up right at the crack of nine. I’ve already carried all the building materials to the tree, so it’s time to go to work.

The first task is to climb the tree to see where we can anchor the floor. Billy hoists me up, and I climb to the middle of the tree where all the biggest branches are.

“It’s perfect!” I call down to Billy. “Throw me the rope, and I’ll start pulling up the first crate for the flooring.”

Billy throws the rope at me, then takes a short break to finish laughing. I don’t know why he always laughs when something hits me in the face. Anyway, I catch the rope on the second try and start hauling the wooden crate up the tree trunk. That’s when things get squirrelly. Actually, things get raccoony.

Right then I hear a giant grunting noise.

I knew there were bears around here! I think. Dad is going to be surprised.

But I’m the one getting the surprise. I slowly turn my head to see a giant raccoon on the branch to my right. And I do mean giant!

I once read that the largest raccoon in recorded history was seventy-five pounds. This beast appears to be that raccoon’s brother. He is the “Donny” of raccoons, and he does not look happy.

I freeze as we stare at each other. He’s obviously here for the same reason I am. He wants to build his own house in the same place!

Turning my head to the side while not breaking eye contact, I whisper to Billy, “It’s the Bulging Bandit Burglar.”

“What’d you say, AB?” Billy shouts, because he obviously hasn’t noticed that I’m in grave danger.

The raccoon hisses at me, which I think is raccoonese for, “Look, pal, this is my tree. Get out of here—now!”

I frankly don’t know what this animal is thinking. There’s no way he can build a tree house up here. After all, he would have been terrible in that VBS play, and I doubt he even knows Gus. He can’t compete with me when it comes to gathering tree-house-building materials.

“Hey, Bulging Bandit, buddy,” I explain, trying to reason with him. “Nice mask by the way. This rope is getting heavy, so if you could pick out another tree for yourself, I would greatly appreciate it.”

The Bulging Bandit Burglar obviously hasn’t had his morning coffee yet, because he just hisses at me again and moves a few steps closer.

Now look, I’m not afraid of anything. However, right as the raccoon moves toward me, I suddenly remember I need some nails that are back on the ground.

I quickly leap out of the tree. I land behind Billy, who’s still looking up at the branches.

“Whoa! What’s going on?” Billy yells. “How’d you get behind me? I thought you were up in the tree?”

“We got a four-legged critter problem, Billy,” I say. “It’s the Bulging Bandit Burglar! And besides being huge, he also doesn’t appear to know about sharing.”

Billy laughs. “Seriously, AB? That’s just a myth. I can’t believe you’re afraid of a little raccoon.”

Billy grabs a branch and pulls himself into the tree. “I’ll just climb up and shoo it away.”

A minute later Billy lands behind me on the ground.

“That’s no little raccoon!” he says. “I think it might really be the Bulging Bandit Burglar. Did you see his claws? I don’t know what nail salon he goes to, but they’ve definitely been sharpened. What are we going to do?”

I, of course, know exactly what to do. I thrive in tense situations like this because I never let panic or fear take over.

“Run!” I shout.

Billy and I both dash to my house. Not that we’re scared, but because I know the first thing we need to do is give this critter a more suitable nickname. The Bulging Bandit Burglar is too many Bs to say at once. We need to come up with a new name that can be spoken quickly in case of an emergency.

Now if you’re wondering why picking a name for this hairy hisser is important, let me explain. Every superhero has a villain with a super cool name. This evil masked tree monster deserves something better than the Bulging Bandit Burglar. Again, it has nothing to do with us being frightened. The name thing is just extremely important.

“How about the Furry Forest Foiler,” Billy suggests as he pours himself a glass of lemonade.

“Not bad,” I say. “What about Rounded Raging Raccoon?”

We finally settle on the Huge Hairy Hisser. We also decide that getting the building supplies to the tree is enough progress for one day. Again, not because we’re scared. We just decide to do something educational for the rest of the day, and by that I mean we play Motorcycle Mania.

We both know, however, that our struggle with the Huge Hairy Hisser isn’t over.