CHAPTER TWO

TAKING THE FIRST STEPS TOWARD A COURAGEOUS MIND-SET

The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.

—Rollo May

 

Bravery does not have to be a spontaneous, split-second act of heroism—a bystander racing into a burning building to save a child, or an act of daring.

Often, courage can be found in the virtue and integrity of everyday acts—the mom who decides to seek treatment for her child’s alcohol abuse, the laid-off executive who leaves his pride at home to wait tables to support his family, or the employee who speaks up about an injustice in the workplace.

Whether the opportunity to be courageous presents itself in routine action or in blazing a trail to leave a mark on history, courage gets its start when we see a way to carry it out. Often the first step on the road to empowerment is a baby step, when we make a decision to act in spite of our fear.

In our daily lives, we tend to create our own levels of comfort. One way to break these safety barriers is to take tiny steps outside our comfort zones and explore more of what life has to offer. These healthy challenges help us build our courage and reinforce our strength to keep acting courageously.

In this chapter, we introduce some wonderful courage guides who show us by example how to start off with small goals and changes to our lifestyles that can help inspire us to grow more courageous and forthright in our approach to the world.

Through their stories we find that when faced with something frightening, we can start simply by switching our thinking. Another lesson we learn from the people in this chapter is to surround yourself with people who will support you and help you believe in your skills and abilities. It’s always much easier to try something new or something you fear if you’ve got a support team cheering you on.

These stories and the courage exercises you’ll find throughout the book offer an outstretched hand to you as you take your first baby steps—or one huge jump—into that which scares you but will ultimately free you.

RANDOM ACTS OF COURAGE: ORDINARY PEOPLE DOING EXTRAORDINARILY BRAVE ACTS

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, “Always do what you are afraid to do.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

When we think of bravery, we think of larger-than-life people who have made headlines and graced history books following their extraordinary acts of heroism and valor. Think Nelson Mandela or Martin Luther King. Or John F. Kennedy and Profiles in Courage, Mother Teresa, Rosa Parks. These folk have reached super-human status for having the courage to defy the status quo, or they stood up for their beliefs in a revolutionary way. Some acted on behalf of others who did not have the courage to speak out for themselves.

Sometimes we forget that despite their lauded status, they too were ordinary human beings who made a choice to tap into their courage. And just like them, we all have the opportunity in our daily lives to make the world a better place or to stretch outside our comfort zones and do something revolutionary for ourselves.

It’s easy to get hung up with the inner voice that says, Let’s be real, I’m not Amelia Earhart. Or to pooh-pooh our own courage and limit our own behavior. “I’m a gutless wonder” becomes our mantra. Or “I’ve never been the brave type.” As we researched this book, time and time again the people we reached out to told us: “Oh, I’m not courageous. I just did what I had to do.” Or “I just did what anyone would do. No big deal.”

We disagree. We believe that it takes guts to meet certain challenges of daily living and we applaud those who face their fears and don’t take “no” for an answer. We consider these “random acts of courage.” Our hope is that they will inspire you to move beyond your comfort zone and to know that you are not alone in the moments when daily life seems scary. All of us face challenges that make us shake in our boots. But we also believe that inside us lies the power to triumph over our fears and to tap into our brave hearts to create a life beyond our greatest expectations.

To help you kick-start your own inner gutsy girl (or guy), we took a closer look at the inspiring people we run into in our daily lives who remind us that challenges, big and small, take a lot of courage. If they can do it, we can. We hope you will be inspired too.

BLIND-SIGHTED

During the last several years, Mary Beth has made it her task to try to overcome her fears big and small, to lead a life that isn’t spent tossing and turning in the wee hours of the morning, afraid of what lies ahead the following day. Even though she would like to think of herself as the little engine that could, there are days when the fear of raising three children on her own, facing the world after a recent job loss and having no clue what the future holds, makes her tremble.

She is so inspired every morning when she walks into the local YMCA to run or take spin classes and sees the elderly man swimming laps in the pool in the main lobby. Brady is blind. He swims back and forth along the rope, sometimes grasping it to make sure it is still there and that his stroke is on course.

It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but Mary Beth has grown to consider this 80-something swimmer her courage guide. If he is not afraid of the occasional swallow of water, or the depths of a deep pool, if he can reach out grasping for a tether when he feels he panics and feels he’s lost his direction, Mary Beth knows that she can leave the gym that day and be OK. Even if she chokes, or loses her path, she can tap into the inspiration of this older man who, despite his blindness, jumps into the pool every day and just keeps swimming ahead.

CHASING DREAMS

Another reminder of gutsiness for Mary Beth is the high school students at the inner-city Chicago school where she has helped some of the students surface their stories. These students, all African American, live in one of Chicago’s most violent, gang-infested neighborhoods. Recently, a 14-year-old was shot and paralyzed blocks from the school, and there were five shootings in the neighborhood prior to that.

Most of these students have a story, and their stories would make many of us stay under the covers most mornings depressed and afraid to get out of bed. They’ve seen relatives shot in gang fights; many have never met their fathers or are being raised by a grandmother or a sibling. Poverty and the recession have ravaged their neighborhood, and they all know that bullets don’t have eyes. Every day, en route to or from school, they fear a random bullet fired in a gang fight.

Yet they show up every day. They have big dreams. They have to have dreams, despite it all. Mostly, they have the courage to go after their dreams, despite odds that tell them dreams rarely come true. Most of these students come from single-parent homes, where college is only a dream and they are more likely to be arrested or killed than graduate from a university. They show up every day, dressed in shirts and ties and filled with hope that they can rise above the poverty and violence that surrounds them. They’ve got guts.

REAL RESILIENCY

Through our writing and volunteer work, we often come across people who are making a difference in the lives of others. Our journeys lead us to many fund-raising events. Nina recently attended a “Strictly Business” fund-raising luncheon put on by Jewish Vocational Services (www.jvs.org). She was brought to tears by the inspiring stories of the recipients of their “Employees of the Year” awards.

One who stood out was William Green. Raised by a single mother, William fell in with the wrong people when he was a teenager, and soon found himself looking at a 10-year jail sentence for bank robbery. In prison, wise words from an older inmate got him thinking, and William decided to turn his life around. He struggled after his release, living in a halfway house or on the street, but he was able to turn to the JVS Technology Access Center, the only place he had access to a computer to look for a job and a way out of his situation. With determination and the help of JVS, William landed a job at Deeelish Catering in San Francisco, where he is now the kitchen manager.

Olga Kashirtseva, a nurse who was forced to flee Russia to the United States with her children due to pervasive anti-Semitism, had to start her career over from scratch. She came to JVS and took advantage of everything they had to offer—vocational ESL taught her the language, office technology training helped her land her first American job, scholarships helped fund her training, and nursing refresher courses got her back into her nursing career. Today, Olga works as a registered nurse at Blood Centers of the Pacific in San Francisco.

Mary Beth recently attended the annual “Hope through Caring” dinner dance for the Les Turner ALS Foundation (www.lesturnerals.org) in Chicago. The ravages of this progressive neuromuscular disorder cause muscle weakness and impaired speaking, swallowing, and breathing, and it typically carries a death sentence two years after diagnosis. Those who live longer often live lives locked inside their own bodies.

Mary Beth was moved by the doctors and researchers at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine who in conversations beside the auction table described the patients whose resiliency, the fight to survive and thrive, they witnessed daily—people whose only hope is hope, hope that these folks in the laboratories will find a cure for this infliction.

She was moved by the family members of those who wage war with ALS and by people who have lost loved ones to it. And of course, moved by the patients, some who came from across the country—tethered to wheelchairs and fed in feeding tubes by their caregivers, decked out as if for the Oscars, who lovingly bring help and caring every day.

STAYING FEARLESS: THREE GENERATIONS OF FAMILY MEMBERS DISCOVER WHAT GUTSY MEANS IN THE FACE OF MEDICAL CRISIS

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

—Tori Amos

 

“Is it courage? I’m not sure. We just did what needed to be done, and continue to do so,” Katey Merrill Foote says as she describes the three and a half years since her granddaughter Ava was born. Ava was born with a medical condition that has left her blind and with the grim prognosis of a shortened life expectancy. At three, the adorable little girl with a Shirley Temple mop of curls and her own team of supporters—Ava’s Angels—has already defied the odds.

Leading the brigade is Katey, a grandmother of four and mom of three grown daughters, including Ava’s mom, Lacey. It is her grown daughter, Katey insists, who has shown exceptional courage in the face of a situation that would be challenging to any and all of us.

Katey is the first to pooh-pooh any suggestion that the family’s medical experience is courageous. She says she doesn’t know how to be brave. But look close and you soon realize that this Iowa grandmother and her family hold the key to moving beyond the fear that can petrify or paralyze even the gutsiest of us.

If her story teaches us anything, it is that courage comes by taking action, and by moving ahead, one day at a time.

 

Katey Merrill Foote says she remembers the morning on August 3, 2007, when her daughter Lacey called and told her and her husband about their new granddaughter, Ava.

Lacey had a perfectly normal pregnancy in all respects. So her family and her medical team assumed everything would go as expected, just as it had when Hunter was born 20 months before. Katey recalls how she bought a new pair of running shoes for her daughter to help her take care of the rambunctious toddler Hunter.

When it was time for Ava to make her grand appearance, she did so with gusto. Her delivery took less than two hours. But immediately the anxiety alarms went off. Ava had a hard time breathing and was put in a tiny oxygen tent. Doctors diagnosed her with anophthalmia, the absence of eye tissue, and holoprosencephaly, meaning that her brain was not fully developed.

“I went into the shortest shock imaginable because I needed to stand firm and strong for her,” Katey remembers. “When Lacey told me, I went into shock. I felt like I was in a bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from. Numb. Unfeeling. Lost. Alone. I know this was a normal protective thing for my body. Ava’s condition was a loss at the same time as it is a blessing, for she is still with us. She had trouble breathing for a while and that means we might have lost her right away without all the special care she is lucky enough to have.”

In the days following Ava’s birth, Katey started a website to garner support for Ava, Lacey, Lacey’s husband, Scott, and the entire family. She wrote on the website: “Hi. I am Kate, and I have a granddaughter Ava who is struggling to live. She was born August 3rd, 2007, with no eyes. Her brain did not develop fully. We are dealing. We adore her, she is beautiful. She looks perfect. I welcome any support. I also would love to be there for any of you who need a shoulder and an ear.”

During her three years, Ava has spent much of her life in and out of the hospital. At the same time, Katey has also struggled with her own health issues (a heart condition) and worrying about her aging father, who is 84 but still fairly independent.

Katey says that Ava and Lacey have taught her about bravery and fortitude. “Ava sees things none of us ever will. She hears what we sometimes neglect to appreciate. She looks without judgment.” Whatever the cause of what happened to Ava, “She is our little Ava Angel. She has been running the show from day one and we are at her service.”

Katey says that Ava’s other grandmother, Ann, described it best: “She said that God must think an awful lot of all of us, for he knew he could trust us to do the best for Ava. Bless you, Ann. We have so many caring people in our family. I know we will have all the support we need for the years to come. This is a long uphill road, but we travel it as a team.”

Katey says that she often does not describe Ava’s condition to others. “I hesitate to tell people about her eyes, for it is such a shocking condition and was so unexpected. Ava will not struggle with this issue, for she will not miss what she does not have. We as her family and friends will be the ones who have to deal with this.”

Much of the family’s support came from living at the Ronald McDonald House near the hospital where Ava was treated. “It helps to know that others are going through this sort of thing and that we can all help one another,” Katey says.

She also says that she is inspired daily by her daughter Lacey and how she cares for Ava. “Lacey has always been a caring, compassionate person. She worked with special-needs people of all ages. She even worked in a nursing home and loved helping those wonderful older people. I think each person has courage. Some just get thrown into using it more than others.”

Looking ahead, Katey says her wish for the future is “that people will understand that children with disabilities do not have a disease; children with disabilities are not looking for a cure, but for acceptance.”

For now, Ava’s future is in God’s hands, as Katey and her family see it.

She says, “Just working on not thinking about the downside is my goal. I mourn for the part of life that Ava will never know. I hurt that she cannot run and play. I agonize when I see her brother [Hunter]’s love for her and know that odds are, she will leave him someday. He adores her. I am not sure if he connects that she should be able to play with him by this time or not.

“As for the rest of our families, I am so proud of Lacey’s husband Scott’s family—they stepped up immediately too. Not every family can do that, or will. And Lacey, she continues to be so strong. She rarely cries about it. She has little spells of letdown, and that is it. I don’t know what happens when she is alone—I hurt thinking about that.”

Katey continues, “As Ava gets older, it gets tougher, I am sure. There continue to be so many things to compare her condition to. I personally stopped doing that soon after she was born. We don’t make a big deal of Ava’s condition in public any more. It shocks people so much. If they do ask, we give a quick version. It is much harder on the people on the other side dealing with it than for us. We know no other Ava. We love her without question.”

 

POWER PRACTICE

If you or a loved one are facing significant illness or a challenging medical situation, build your support network. Having a group of friends, family, and caring others to turn to for support can help you gather the courage to take each day at a time. Allow them to enfold you and your family with prayers, acts of kindness, and a listening ear.

FINDING COURAGE IN HEALTH CHALLENGES

Most people think of illness or health challenges as inconvenient at best, tragic at worst, according to Toni Weingarten, a San Francisco-area spiritual director and writer. Yes, illness is a time-out from our “normal” lives, but it needn’t be time “lost.” Certainly, illness gives us reason to be afraid, but by transforming this time into a spiritual practice, we find more strength to face it with bravery and courage.

Indeed, illness can be a fertile time if you can focus your attention away from what you do not have, and focus on what it offers in abundance. Even if your illness is one from which you may not recover, making it a spiritual practice will imbue your journey with rich rewards. To do this, we need to remind ourselves that spiritual practice is about bowing to and saying yes to the reality of life, even when that reality is illness.

“During my own pneumonia, my daily mantra and spiritual practice was the phrase ‘It is what it is,’ ” Weingarten says. “When I came to fully embrace this concept, I felt a deep sense of peace with my situation. I gave in to my newfound understanding that my illness was as much a part of God’s plan for me as my health. And I used my energy to heal instead of struggling against my unpleasant reality.”

Toni Weingarten is a spiritual director with training in hospital chaplaincy. She lives near San Francisco and writes on faith, spirit, and religion. Visit her online at www.ToniWeingarten.com.

FORTITUDE IS HER FORTE: FINDING PEACE AFTER CALAMITY

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.

—Buddha

 

In 1989, at the age of 31, Ruth Ann Liu-Johnston was driving on the upper deck of the Cypress Freeway in Oakland, California, during evening rush hour when the 7.1 magnitude Loma Prieta earthquake sent the upper deck crashing onto the lower deck. She remembers that she felt she lost control of her vehicle and was suddenly going way too fast. “I thought I was speeding, but I wasn’t. I was airborne,” she recalls.

Forty-one people were crushed to death in their cars, and Ruth Ann, after plummeting down to the lower deck, was trapped in a setting of carnage—and incredible courage. This experience, and a later brain surgery operation, put her on the front lines of fear management. Like so many others in the middle stages of their lives, Ruth Ann has experienced loss, pain, and fear, but it is her journey to understanding how the mind grapples with, and deals with, fear that defines her today.

A successful freelance graphic designer based in Oakland, Ruth Ann grew up in Vancouver, BC, and moved to the San Francisco Bay Area to attend California College of the Arts. She tells us about the terror—and heroism—of that day, and about the ways she has learned to cope.

 

“From the corner of my eye, I saw the guardrail snap—that’s when I knew this was an earthquake,” Ruth Ann Liu-Johnston remembers of that day when her car bucked and then plunged after the freeway collapsed.

She remained confined in her flattened automobile until two women—coworkers Lori Marsh and Lenora Moy, who also survived the fall in their car—pulled her out. Lori Marsh was injured, with two ruptured disks in her upper back, but she didn’t realize it as she and Lenora went on to pull one man out of a truck leaking fuel and helped a man move a bloodied woman from underneath a truck. A particularly touching episode took place a few weeks later when the two women sent Ruth Ann’s red high heels to her in the mail. She keeps them as a reminder of the courageousness of these two women.

“I’ve thought a lot about courage since that day,” Ruth Ann muses. “I don’t think it’s an intended action, it’s an action with intention. It is much more courageous to take conscious action in the face of danger than to simply react.”

After hospitalization and extensive physical therapy, she recovered and kept very busy with her work and family. Nine years later, her stamina was again put to the test when she was diagnosed with Cushing’s disease and underwent brain surgery to remove an adenoma tumor in her pituitary gland. She recalls being in a “gray space” between living and dying following her surgery. “After I was released from the hospital, I was in bed for three weeks,” Ruth Ann recalls. “I remember that I didn’t feel any fear about dying. For me, it took more strength and courage to make a commitment to stay alive.”

“To deal with my stress and tension, I chant for a half hour each day and meditate the same amount of time,” she says. She has always practiced Zen meditation, but two years ago discovered the Tibetan Nyingma Institute in Berkeley, California, whose motto is “Ancient wisdom for the modern world.”

Head Lama and author Tarthang Tulku founded the Nyingma Institute in Berkeley in 1972 to present the teachings of the Tibetan tradition to the West. Over 150,000 students from throughout the world have participated in these programs, and the Nyingma Institute is recognized as a major center for Buddhist education in the West. Nyingma is the name of the oldest school of Tibetan Buddhism. Established in the 8th century, the Nyingma School has been a vital force in Tibet since that time.

Ruth Ann and her husband, Colin, completed a Buddhist psychology certificate program and are on the Nyingma two-year study program. Last year, they participated in a retreat on sacred sounds, and Ruth Ann completed a workshop on creativity based on the Nyingma Time/Space/Knowledge series.

“I credit this institute and its teachings with helping me to move beyond my fear,” she said. “I originally turned to meditation to seek freedom from anxiety, but it continues to help me in so many different ways.”

 

POWER PRACTICE:

Meditate. Meditation activates a deep source of inner peace that can protect us from suffering and frustration. Through sitting meditation, walking meditation, and mantra practice students at the Nyingma Institute learn to relax tension and cultivate equanimity. You can also learn how to reduce mental distractions by developing your own practice at home. There are many books and CDs available to help guide you through the process.

10 COURAGE RITUALS

Here are some things you can do when you are so scared that you question your ability to keep going.

First, think about being courageous for just this one moment, and then create your very own courage ritual. Here are some suggestions:

1. Create a safe place, an inner retreat in your imagination, and go there in your mind.

2. Extend loving support to yourself as you would to a good friend by looking in the mirror and repeating, “I love you.”

3. Listen to soothing music.

4. Visualize yourself as a flower or a plant and imagine yourself getting nourished and basking in the sun.

5. Turn negative thoughts into positive ones and imagine a brand-new ending to your usual worries.

6. Cultivate an “attitude of gratitude” by giving thanks for your blessings.

7. Reach out to a trusted friend and ask to be nurtured.

8. Imagine yourself strong—visualize yourself as a superhero, or any other strong image.

9. Practice yoga stretches.

10. Consider adopting a pet.