Chapter 17      

“I so want to kiss you right now,” Riley told her, putting a hand on her hip.

His deep voice sent waves of heat straight to Sadie’s tummy, burning up all her nerves. “Me too.”

Jess came flying out of the house. “I’ve got it. I’ve got my purse.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” Riley said, opening her car door for her so she could hop in. “Maybe I need one. Can you name a superhero who has a man purse?”

“Tony Stark probably does,” Jess said, buckling into her car seat. “Right, Dad?”

Thinking it might be better to play along, Sadie slowly nodded.

“You don’t know who Tony Stark is,” he said slowly.

“No way!” Jess cried out from the backseat. “He’s like the coolest.”

“Iron Man,” he explained, though that didn’t really help. She’d heard the name, but that was it.

Her face flushed, and she couldn’t help but shrug defensively. “You don’t like country music and I don’t know superheroes besides the main ones.”

“Sadie, you should watch it with us sometime. Dad knows all the lines. He loves Iron Man.”

Watching a movie all snuggled up against Riley sounded good…no, better than good. But she wasn’t really a superhero movie kind of girl.

“Let me guess,” he said. “You like movies like Steel Magnolias.”

“My sister, Shelby, was named after the character Julia Roberts played.” She played with her seatbelt. “I saw Wonder Woman.”

“Of course you did,” he teased her.

“It was the best movie ever.” Jess bounced in her booster seat.

Sadie glanced his way before she spoke. Maybe it marked her as a softie, but… “I don’t like it that the man she loved died.”

“Yeah, that was kinda sad,” Jess said from the back. “But he died a hero and that’s all that mattered. Right, Dad?”

“Ah…that’s how we see it with our superhero perspective,” Riley explained to her. “Dying is a natural part of life, and when you do it for the greater good—”

“You’re a hero,” Jess interrupted. “And we love heroes at our house. Dad actually told me you’re a hero for finding Mrs. Bradshaw like you did, Sadie. That’s why he’s using you as the model for his new superhero, although she’s not quite right yet.”

Oh goodness. “That might be the nicest compliment I’ve ever received.”

“Maybe you need a cape, Sadie,” Jess said. “Dad could design it for you. He designs outfits for Haley and me all the time. Right, Dad?”

“Yep. That’s me. Superhero outfit designer.”

It surprised her how much she loved hearing him called Dad. This man she was getting to know, the one who made her blood boil, was also gentle and kind with children. He was a wonderful father to his daughter. 

“You’re smiling,” he said in a soft tone, his hand stroking the steering wheel.

It looked like he wanted to reach out and touch her like he did on one of their date nights. Usually he would hold her hand or run his hand down her arm while he was driving.

“I am,” she said, leaning back in her chair and taking in the blue sky and sunshine. “It’s a good day for the park.”

“I ordered it up,” Riley said.

“With his special weather powers,” Jess said. “Right, Dad?”

He was smiling too. “Yeah, Jess. We speak two main languages in our house, by the way. Disney and superhero.”

“I’ll get the hang of it,” Sadie murmured, turning in her seat to look at Jess. “So, what’s your favorite Disney movie of all time?”

“Old school or recent?” Jess fired back, her green eyes flashing with excitement.

There were different tiers? She could do this. Annabelle loved Disney too. “Both.”

“Old school is Cinderella,” Jess told her, “and recent is Tangled. Now you.”

The little girl was pointing at her with all the effusive energy of a seven-year-old. “Well, I like Sleeping Beauty…I’m not sure about a recent movie. Does Beauty and the Beast count?”

The little girl nodded. “Who’s your favorite Disney hero of all time?”

Oh, goodness, she’d hadn’t counted on a quiz. “The beast. Because he overcomes his selfishness by choosing love.”

“You’re a romantic,” Jess said. “Right, Dad?”

Riley was chuckling under his breath. “I already knew that. Okay, Jess, favorite Disney villain of all time?”

“That’s easy!” Jess said. “Rapunzel’s pretend mother in Tangled.”

“What?” Riley said, shifting in his seat. “I thought it was the witch in Snow White. When did you change your mind?”

She shrugged. “Haley and I have been discussing this, Dad. It’s Rapunzel’s pretend mother because nobody should ever lie about being someone’s real mother.”

Sadie caught the frown on Riley’s face. He was upset by this answer, and she wanted to reach for his hand to comfort him. She thought about asking Jess a question to change the subject, but this topic was deeply personal and not one she felt she had the right to delve into.

“But the witch in Snow White was her stepmother—”

“It’s totally different, Dad,” Jess told him. “She wasn’t pretending, and she didn’t steal any babies. Snow White’s dad married her. He was so stupid.”

Riley’s frown was thunderous. Sadie sneaked another peek back at Jess. The little girl wasn’t smiling anymore either. There was an undercurrent of battle in the car, and she wondered again about the story with Jess’ mom.

“You know I don’t like you to use the word stupid, Jess,” he said in a gentle voice, a voice that was still filled with love. 

She’d heard Tammy and J.P. correct Rory and Annabelle in such a voice.

“But you’re right,” he said, gripping the steering wheel now. “Snow White’s dad made a bad choice when he married the queen.”

“He was taken in by her beauty,” Jess said. “Sometimes men are so stupid.”

“Jess! Who told you that?”

“One of the girls at school,” Jess fired back. “But she’s right. Only someone stupid gets taken in by a bad woman. Beauty isn’t a good enough reason.”

“Maybe she was nice to him,” Riley said. “Maybe…”

Sadie’s heart hurt when he stopped and took a deep breath. 

“Dad you always said maybes don’t get the job done,” Jess replied.

He took another breath. “I know I do, but it’s not always black and white when people make bad choices, Jess.”

“Dad, you always tell me that good people don’t make excuses. They take responsibility.”

Sadie felt the urge to sink deeper in her seat, hoping to look less visible. This conversation wasn’t one she felt comfortable joining.

“You’re right, but sometimes good people make bad choices because they don’t have all the information. Like Star Lord in Guardians of the Galaxy 2. He didn’t know why his dad left him or that his dad wanted to use him for bad purposes.”

“Star Lord didn’t make the bad choice,” Jess replied in a voice ringing with certainty. “His dad was the bad guy.”

“I’m not saying this right,” Riley said. “Jess—”

“Dad, you just drove past the park.”

Sadie looked out the window, and sure enough, they were coming to the next cross street.

“Ah…I’m… Oh, forget it. I’m turning around.” He checked both sides before making a U-turn and driving them back to the park.

After he pulled into a parking space, he gripped the wheel for a moment before getting out of the car and walking around to help Jess out first. She had her door open before he could reach for it.

“Can I go swing?” Jess asked. “You’ll be able to see me. Then maybe you can push me.”

He ran his hand down her hair, and she pushed at it.

“Dad! Don’t touch my hair. I made it perfect.”

“Fine,” he said with the hint of testiness in his voice. “Go on and swing. Sadie and I will watch you, and in a little while, I’ll push you.”

“You’d better,” she said, sprinting off.

He sagged against the frame of the car. “I feel like I should apologize. That must have been awkward for you. Hell, it felt like sinking in quicksand for me.”

With Jess at a distance, she could reach out and rub his chest. “Hey, you’re okay. She’s a kid, and kids like to ask questions. I’ve heard my niece and nephew ask some humdingers, and my brother and his wife did the best they could like you did.”

“I want to beat my head against this car,” he said, “but that won’t change the past. Dammit!” He turned around. “Can you see her? I need a minute.”

“I can see her,” she said softly. “Take your time.”

“It’s like she’s putting the pieces of the past together subconsciously,” Riley said softly, “and she’s just a kid. I keep hoping it’s going to take her longer to figure things out.” He paused for a long minute, and finally said, “Sadie, I should probably tell you about her mother.”

“You don’t have to do it now,” she said, putting her hand on his back, her eyes on Jess kicking her feet and starting to swing.

“This isn’t how I thought today would go, but maybe a brief snapshot would be helpful after what you heard in the car,” he told her, turning back to face her. “Mandy, Jess’ mom, got pregnant while we were dating. She was on birth control, and I still don’t know what happened except Jess was supposed to be born somehow. She was like this special creature who came into existence out of sheer will or something. Like the Thing in Fantastic 4 or Magneto in X-Men. Please tell me you know X-Men. Never mind.”

He would use a superhero allusion, she thought.

“I didn’t realize it at the time, but somewhere down the line the partying Mandy and I were doing as stupid young twenty-somethings had taken a turn. Oh, shit this is hard. I don’t want you to think less of me.”

When he gripped the top of the car, she rubbed his back. “I won’t. I promise.”

He took a breath like he was gathering courage and then said, “We were deep into drinking and some recreational drugs. We told ourselves it helped our art. But Mandy got tripped up in it, and I didn’t…”

She didn’t know how to help him suddenly. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” he whispered, his head turned away. “I didn’t see it, so when she got pregnant with Jess, she ODed. I found her, and somehow they managed to save both of them.” 

“Oh, honey, I can’t imagine,” she whispered, her heart shattering in the face of so much hurt. “You must have been so scared.”

“Only problem was Mandy didn’t want to be saved,” he said, coughing briefly. “She told me since the ODing hadn’t worked, she wanted to have an abortion. Told me it was her choice since she would have to carry the baby to term. They don’t hire a lot of up and coming singers who are pregnant, turns out. She didn’t want to be saddled with a kid.”

Sadie wanted to run to Jess and wrap her arms around her. Someone hadn’t wanted this little girl?

“Her not wanting the baby,” he whispered, “and overdosing on purpose…I couldn’t believe it. I mean, she was our baby. I’d never thought much about kids, but once I heard about Jess, I couldn’t… She’s my…”

“Child,” Sadie said, watching as the little girl kicked her feet to swing higher. “I would have felt the same way even though I know people need to make their own choices.”

“Yeah, except the dad’s choices aren’t always factored in,” he said, “and Mandy wouldn’t listen to me. I finally came up with a plan. I told her I would pay her to have Jess, almost like a surrogate, the same amount she felt she would have made for the nine months of her pregnancy. I told her I would raise Jess alone. Ask nothing from her ever. My only conditions were that she couldn’t use during the pregnancy and she’d sign over custody once Jess was born.”

Relief washed over her. “You did right,” she said, hugging him. 

“Mandy high-balled the amount she thought she could make, but I got a loan. Paid her. Got her signature on the agreement. As part of the deal, I insisted she have regular drug tests. I…I worried about what the effects on our baby would be. It was hard on her, but Mandy did it.”

He paused, looking down at the ground. “I’ll be honest…I thought she might change her mind when she saw Jess. That she’d at least want to hold her for a few hours. That maybe the old Mandy would come back. But no… She handed her over without any fucking human emotion and then asked the nurse for some painkillers.”

He swiped at his eyes, and she had to blink back her own tears.

“I still can’t understand how she could do that. I don’t think I ever will. I mean, I know chemical abuse messes people up, but she was so…bright and wonderful when I first met her. My love for her…kept me blind to what was going on, and that’s on me.”

Now the earlier conversation between Riley and Jess made more sense. “You aren’t to blame for her choices.”

“Yes, I am, because they put Jess in danger.” He wiped his nose. “I cried like a baby when the doctors told me she was healthy. Earlier tests had been inconclusive.”

Hearing that only reaffirmed Sadie’s belief in miracles. Angels had protected that little girl.

“The worst of it is that Mandy came back on Jess’ first birthday, wanting money,” he said. “Her drug problem was much worse, but she was still trying to make her career work. She blamed me, and she blamed Jess. And my parents and my brother’s family were there to see the whole sorry scene unfold. I had to call the cops. Oh, Sadie.”

The story kept getting worse and worse, and Sadie had to fight to control her own emotions in the face of his. “You kept her safe.”

“I have a P.I. do a yearly update on Mandy,” he said. “She’s still in Nashville, but she’s never tried to contact me again. I…calling the cops wasn’t easy, but it made her leave. She took off before they could arrive. My parents took it hard when I told them everything. They hadn’t realized how bad things had gotten for her, for us. I’d tried to keep the full story from them because I knew they’d be upset, hell, disappointed, but I ended up telling them, and they…it’s like they stepped back. I think they moved to Florida so they could pick and choose when to…step in. I don’t blame them.”

What a horrible first birthday for Jess and the father who had gone to tremendous lengths to bring her into the world. She couldn’t comment on his parents, so she only said, “But six years have passed without any contact from her, and that’s a good thing.”

He ran a hand through his hair, making a mess of it, before meeting her eyes again. “Jess seems to have questions about her mother now that you and Paige have connected, and I just don’t know how to handle them. I can’t tell her the truth right now, and I wonder if I ever can.”

Part of her felt guilty suddenly. “Oh, Riley, I’m so sorry. I never imagined me coming to find Paige would—”

“No, it’s fine,” he said, taking her hands and looking into her eyes. “Sadie, I’m so glad you found Paige. I mean, if you knew how much it’s meant to her and Mark and Haley. She had a hell of a time growing up, and she deserved a lucky break.”

Sadie had trouble considering herself a lucky break, but she supposed they were fortunate to have found each other.

“I’ve got to figure out…hell, I don’t know.” He paced in place. “I have one last thing to ask you, and I want you to be completely honest with me.”

The seriousness of his tone had her shaking her head.

“Do you think less of me for telling you I did drugs now and then? Sadie, I swear to you that I haven’t once touched them since learning about Jess, and I never will again. They…were a part of that life, and they’re something I’m not proud of.”

She touched his cheek so he would look at her. “Riley, I don’t judge you for any of that. After hearing the whole story, I think you’re even more wonderful than I ever knew.”

He swiped at a few tears that leaked out. “Thank God. I was so scared…”

“Let that go,” she said, framing his face. “I see you too, Riley Thomson, and you’re a good man and an amazing father, perhaps one of the best fathers I know. And this comes from someone who didn’t have one and did a lot of wishing for one.” Still did, come to think about it.

“We should go. I know we can see her, but…”

This outing was supposed to be about them having a good time. She took his hand, and together they headed off toward the swings.

“Riley, your vast knowledge of superheroes and Disney movies gives you an edge with kids, but you also have something else going for you.”

“What’s that?” he asked, running his thumb over the back of her hand.

“You’re well versed in loving Jess. That’s the best language any kid can hear from a parent. I mean, I only had one of them too, and I mostly turned out okay, didn’t I?”

“More than.” He blew out a breath. “I’m totally in love with you, Sadie McGuiness, and after today, I hope you haven’t gotten scared off. Because I’m going to be really honest with you. I want to make this work.”

With the happy shadow of Jess swinging on the swings washing over them, she took his hand and placed it right below her heart. “I love you too, Riley. And I’m not scared. We’ll find a way to make it work.”

“I don’t care if there are a million kids around, including mine. I’m going to kiss you.” His mouth turned up. “On the cheek.”

She gave a watery laugh as he gave her a quick peck. “Maybe when we get to your house, we can watch Iron Man. I need to become better versed in your language.”

“Sadie, you already are in all the ways that count,” he said. “Now, I’m going to push my daughter and…settle down.”

She watched him approach the swings and take his place behind his daughter. In a moment, she’d join them, but right now, she wanted to settle her own emotions and savor the sweetness of the scene.

He had been there for Jess from the moment she’d come into being, Sadie now knew, and that made him one of the greatest heroes she’d ever met. How funny that he didn’t need to be a superhero to achieve it. Love was his superpower.

She’d have to tell him later because like her not seeing herself as an artist, she wasn’t sure he realized that about himself.