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“I understand you’re being discharged soon?”
Kelly sat opposite Claire. This was her third session and the woman had been nothing like what she’d expected. The five-foot-two bubbly redhead did not seem to be a typical therapist.
“Yes. The wounds are healing, and I can manage to sit upright now, dress myself, take a shower. It still hurts but it’s bearable.”
“And how do you feel about that? Going home?”
“I’m not sure. Partly relieved, partly scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Being home alone. Empty house. Too much time to think.”
In the first two sessions they’d talked about coping mechanisms. How to deal with the nightmares, panic attacks. The whole rollercoaster of emotions she was experiencing. They had yet to get to any of the nitty-gritty stuff. But Kelly was warming to this petite woman who had strolled into her room last week wearing jeans and a t-shirt with “The only music is country music” emblazoned on the front.
“Yeah, hope this is OK. I’m not really into the whole wearing a suit, glasses perched on the end of my nose kind of therapy.”
Kelly had actually smiled at that, relaxing a little. “I’m not sure the Navy would approve.”
“I might be employed by the Navy, but I work for myself, so they do not get to tell me what to wear. I’m a civilian.”
“Is there no one that can come and stay with you for a while?” Claire brought her back to the present.
“No. It’s just me.” She pushed the thought of Dex being just a few houses down out of her mind.
“What about family? Are you from Coronado?’
“I was born here. My parents are from Chicago but moved here when my dad got a job as an engineer on the base.”
“Are they still here?”
“No. My mom left us when I was seventeen. My dad passed away six years ago. No siblings, so like I said, just me.”
“I’m sorry to hear about your father. Are you not in touch with your mother?”
“I haven’t spoken to or heard from my mother since the day she walked out.”
Kelly watched as Claire made notes. She used to get so angry about her mom, but over the years it had dwindled. Growing up, she thought her mother had loved her. She felt loved. But she’d walked out of her life without looking back. So, clearly, she’d been wrong.
“Do you want to talk about your mother?”
“Not really. Dad told me she met someone else. What else is there to say? She chose him over us.” She shrugged, looking out the window. She might not be angry, but it still hurt.
“What about friends? Anyone that can stop in on you?”
Kelly shook her head then looked at Claire. “Sad case, aren’t I?”
“No, but I don’t think you’re telling me everything. You went to school here, joined the Navy. Coronado is a small community. I don’t see you as the type of person who grew up playing alone. Someone who doesn’t make friends.”
Kelly looked down at her hands clasped together in her lap.
“I did have girlfriends growing up, but I’m the only one that joined the Navy. The rest have got married or moved away, and we kinda lost touch. Yes, I have friends in the Navy but not close ones that I would want checking in on me.” Again, she pushed Dex from her mind.
“Who is Dexter Dawson?”
The question caught her off guard and she snapped her head up, eyes wide.
“What do you mean...how do you know...?”
“He’s become quite well known with the Westside reception staff. I happened to be there the other day when he was asking to see you. I was just curious as he seemed very concerned. And by the sounds of it, he’s tried a few times.”
Kelly swallowed. Sophie had said he’d be checking in with her, but she hadn’t realized he’d actually been here trying to get in.
“I seem to have hit a nerve. It’s OK if you don’t want to talk about him yet.”
Kelly stared back down at her hands. “No. I’m not ready to talk about him. I’m not sure if I ever will be.”
“All right. But I’m here to help you. Not just with what happened in Daram but with how you move on with your life. If Dexter Dawson is a part of your life, it might be a good idea to talk about him. Like I said. Coronado is a small community.”
That was one of her biggest fears about going home. Who would stop Dex, Ryan, or any of the team knocking at her door? It was only a matter of time before she saw Dex and she had no idea how she was going to handle it.
“Sometimes I wish I’d died there, that they’d killed me too.” Too late, she realized she’d said the words aloud.
Claire put down her notebook, giving Kelly her full attention. “Why?’
Kelly picked up the cup of water. Her hands shook a little after having said aloud what she’d been thinking for a while.
“It would have been so much easier. Bravo team died, my CO died, and I survived. It doesn’t seem right. Some of those men had families.”
Silent tears rolled down her cheeks and Claire passed her a box of tissues.
“You were not the only survivor. You were the only one captured while the other survivors were airlifted out. Bravo team died, unfortunately a risk they take when on any mission. I don’t say that lightly, but it’s the truth. Tell me what doesn’t seem right.”
Kelly shrugged. “I got to come home, and I don’t have a family. While there are widows and kids growing up without a father.”
“Survivor’s guilt. It’s common and understandable. Kelly, it wasn't your choice who lived or died. It wasn't your choice to get captured. Your life is just as valuable as any other member of your team.”
Guilt? Maybe that was some of what she was feeling.
“Kelly, we’re going to work through these feelings. I promise you. But to do it we need to go back and start at the beginning. Are you ready to tell me about the op?”
The thought of going over it again made her sick, but she also knew it was unavoidable. If she ever wanted to get back to some sort of life...work...she would need to be cleared for duty. That meant Claire needed to sign her off.
“No, but putting it off isn’t going to make it any easier.”
“How about for today, you tell me about your job, the team, and how you came to be in Daram.”
Kelly glanced at the dog tags of Bravo team, sitting next to her water cup. Somehow, they gave her strength. She sighed, closing her eyes. She could do this. Taking a deep breath, she started talking.
***
DEX HATED VOICEMAIL, but if that was all he could do, then he had to try. This morning had been the formal service for Bravo and, fuck, it was the toughest one he’d ever attended, and he’d been to a few. No bodies, no retribution, no closure. Not for him or for any of the families of their dead brothers.
His team was spending some time with his dad, catching up. Seeing as he was still part of a no-contact order, he’d come home. His dad had tried to visit Kelly with no luck either, and Dex had thought about trying again himself today. He had a feeling Sophie might report him, despite them being friends. Taking a breath, he dialed Kelly. She didn’t answer, the phone instead going straight to voicemail. Trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice, he left her a heartfelt message. No sooner had he hung up, than it rang.
His heart surged and he almost dropped the phone in surprise.
“Hello?”
“Dawson?”
“Yes, sir.” He answered warily, recognizing his CO’s voice.
“I was hoping to catch you before you left. I have some news.”
Dex held back a sigh as he leaned back against his deck chair, loosening his tie. It didn't
sound like it was going to be good news.
“The coms equipment has been checked and tested and not deemed to be faulty. Which I know is no surprise to you. Also, the helo you secured for exfil, the pilot said that he was obeying orders from you.”
Fuck! They really had spoken to everyone. Tyler had arranged the helo, but Dex had told him to tell the pilot he was obeying his orders if anyone asked. Dex had no desire to land anyone else in trouble.
“The recommendation was to move forward with a court martial hearing.”
“So, no review board, straight to a court martial?” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I said it was the recommendation.”
Dex sat up straight, trying to grasp what Joe was trying to tell him.
“Sir?”
“For now, they’re moving forward with the review board hearing. I can speak for you, and you will get a chance to defend yourself as was agreed. After that, they can still move to a court martial if they choose to. I’m hoping that won’t be the case.”
“Do we have a date for the hearing?”
“Next week. As soon as I get a day and time, you will know. You can have counsel if you want it. You know that, right?”
“I do sir, but I don’t need it. I plan to tell the truth. I don’t need counseling on that.”
“All right. If you change your mind, let me know.” Joe paused before asking, “How you holding up, Dex?”
“Truthfully?”
He knew he could speak off the record with Joe, but this was a whole different ballgame they were playing.
“Yeah, this can stay between us.”
“I feel like this whole thing has been blown out of proportion. I expected to answer to it but a court martial?” Dex was struggling to see what was so wrong with what he did.
“It’s the accumulation of everything, Dex. Too many eyes were on this and consequently too many people higher than me know what happened. It’s not just disobeying an order; it’s manipulating your position to make others follow your orders. Your pilot, the helo, even your team.”
“My team knew what I was doing.”
“And you knew they would follow you. They would not stand by and watch you do it alone.”
Joe was right, he had known that. Hell, Ryan had told him they were on board with whatever he wanted to do. He hadn’t tried to stop them.
“What about the team, is there any news on what’s happening with them?”
“That will get decided once they decide on you.”
“Fuck, Joe, they’re losing sight of the fact that we brought her home and we’re all alive.”
“And that is what will hopefully keep you out of a court martial and the rest of your team intact. No one wants to lose a whole team. You guys are too good, and it costs the taxpayers way too much money to train men like you.”
“But sacrificing one isn’t so bad.” Dex closed his eyes, his head throbbing. They could make an example out of him if it saved his team, but hell, it would suck.
“Listen to me. Stay humble, admit your mistakes, and you might just get out of this.”
“Yeah, OK. Thanks for the update, Joe.”
Dex ended the call and was about to call Ryan but stopped. Ryan had told him to call him. They were brothers, and he would be there. Yeah, they were brothers and that was why he wouldn’t call him. He wasn’t risking getting his brother in more trouble. His dad? Well, they were never going to be on the same page about this, so what was the point? Damn. As if he didn't already know, this just made it even clearer. He really missed Kelly.