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Kelly sat on the hospital bed waiting for Sophie. The cast was finally coming off. She couldn’t wait. Not that the cast had hindered her too much, but along with Claire’s help, she saw it as another step forward in recovery. Her wrist was healed good as new, and while she might not ever be as good as new mentally, she did know she was going to get her life back. Every day she felt a little stronger, a little more determined to be the survivor she knew she could be.
After speaking with Ryan two weeks ago, it was as if something had unleashed inside her. The team had risked so much coming to get her. She owed it to them to not let that be in vain. She smiled, remembering what Claire had said when they discussed it.
You don’t owe them anything, Kelly. You shouldn’t be doing this for them, you should be doing it for you.
Claire was right, of course, but right now in her head, making sure she was worthy of the team that had rescued her was fueling her. It gave her a purpose, a determination to get her life back.
“Are you excited to get this thing off?” Sophie breezed back into the treatment room; a small cast saw in her hand.
“Hell yes. Cut away.”
It took just a few minutes to cut it away and then Sophie began examining her wrist and taking x-rays.
“Alright, those images won’t take long to come through. I just want to double check and make sure everything looks good. It will be stiff for a while. I’ll give you some exercises to help mobility. While we’re waiting, can I take a look at some of those deeper cuts, see how they’re looking?”
Kelly grimaced, sitting back on the bed. She was wearing a sundress, so it was easy for Sophie to lift it up to examine her legs and abdomen, where the worst of the cuts were. She hated looking at them, but she would have to get used to it. Sophie had already warned her there would be scars.
Scars of strength and survival.
Claire’s words echoed silently in her ears.
“They’ve healed well. Keep putting the cream on and if you are going to start swimming, make sure you cover them for a little while longer.”
“Will do, doc.” Kelly smiled, averting her eyes from the wounds.
“You know, in time they will fade some. And you can always talk to a plastic surgeon down the road.”
“Thanks, but I’m not sure I want any more knives touching my skin.”
Sophie squeezed her hand.
“So, did you hear anything else from Dex?”
Kelly straightened her dress, sitting up. “No. Nothing.”
Sophie looked at her quizzically. “You sound a little disappointed.”
Busted! “Crazy, right? I guess I thought he might reach out again.” She’d hoped he would. She responded to him that night, thinking it would open up a line of communication, but she’d heard nothing since.
“What about the rest of the team?”
“Ryan has checked in a few times. He’s offered to meet me, but a part of me thinks it’s wrong to meet him and not Dex.”
“Do you want to see Dex? Are you ready?”
“I feel like I need to clear the air with him. Not that I’m expecting a problem or anything, but we need to talk.”
“Have you spoken to Claire about it?”
“Yes. She suggested I call him or arrange to meet somewhere public, so there’s not so much pressure of being with him one on one, and I can leave whenever I want to.”
“Sounds like a good idea.” A knock on the door interrupted them and a nurse handed Sophie a tablet, the screen showing the x-rays. “So why haven't you done it yet?” Sophie said as she flicked through the images.
“I chickened out when he didn’t text anymore. Talked myself into thinking he doesn’t really want to speak to me.”
Sophie glanced up from the tablet. “This is Dex we’re talking about. The man that practically tried to break down doors to see you when you were here.”
Kelly didn’t respond. As much as she wanted to talk to him, she was still nervous. The conversation she wanted to have wasn’t one she wanted to have by phone. He deserved more than that. She owed him that much.
Claire’s voice was back in her head. You don’t owe them anything, Kelly.
“Have you considered Dex might just be giving you the space you asked for. I told him consistently that you would reach out when you are ready. Maybe he’s respecting that by not pushing anything. Including texting.”
Kelly waited quietly as Sophie sat, reviewing the x-rays. She gingerly moved her hand, circling it. It was stiff, hurt a little but it felt light and free. Another small step.
Celebrate the wins. More wise words from Claire.
“These all look great. Everything is fusing back together as it should. I don’t see anything here that shows you will have any long-term issues. Do the exercises, and the strength and full mobility will come back in the next few weeks.”
“Thanks, Sophie.”
“You’re welcome. What’s the plan for the rest of the day?” Sophie put the tablet down, standing up.
“I’m heading over to see Commander Johnson, getting my first assignment.”
“That’s wonderful news! Are you going to be on base?”
Kelly shook her head. “Not right away. I can choose. It will be research and recon work, so I don’t have to be there, but if I want to go in I can. They’re being really flexible about everything.”
“It’s nice to hear they’re being so supportive, and it’s great you feel confident enough to be out about among others now.”
“Yep. Been to the grocery store, to the base. Walked further than the beach too.” She slipped off the bed. “And I don’t panic when I see strangers anymore. Progress.”
“It’s huge progress, Kelly.”
“I’ll let you get back to work. Let me know when you have time, and we can grab lunch or dinner again.”
“Absolutely. I’ll text you.” Sophie held the door for her.
Kelly hugged Sophie before leaving the hospital. She was going to drive the short distance to the east block to meet Commander Johnson but decided against it. It was a beautiful day to walk.
The base was busy as usual, people coming and going. Some were in uniform, some in civvies. She’d met with Joe last week. Apparently, the Navy thought she might feel more comfortable with someone she knew as her new CO. They were right.
A few people stopped her as she crossed the base to Joe’s office. She was surprised how calm she felt talking to her colleagues and how much better it made her feel. No one asked any awkward questions or treated her any differently. She hadn’t been sure what to expect, but it was a relief to find everything relatively normal.
Finally, she reached Joe’s office. She was about to knock on the door when she spotted Dex out of the corner of her eye. Of course, he was here. He was on desk duty. Lowering her hand, she turned, mustering up every bit of courage she could find.
Dex stood with his team. She gulped nervously as they all turned to look at her. On shaky legs, she walked toward them, stopping a few feet away.
“Hey, guys.” She silently cursed how nervous she sounded.
“Kelly, it’s great to see you here. How are you?” Dex answered with a warm smile. None of the men moved toward her. All were giving her space.
“I...er... just got my cast off.” She lifted her hand, showing them her cast-free wrist.
“Bet it’s itchy as hell, right?” Tyler said.
Kelly glanced at her wrist. It hadn’t been until now. “Well, it wasn’t, Tyler, but now you mentioned it, hell, it does itch.” She smiled and the team laughed, and the tension eased a little.
“We were just checking in on our boy here. Making sure he isn’t causing any trouble behind a desk,” Steve said.
“Yeah, it’s been two weeks, I’m surprised he hasn’t killed anyone with a pen yet.” Donnie added.
“Jeez, guys, I can handle a month on desk duty.” Dex grinned. “They’re really here because they miss me.”
“Sorry to rain on your ego, brother, but we miss Kelly more.” Ryan slapped Dex on the back, then winked at her. She laughed. She’d missed this. The banter between them, the Navy community, the sense of belonging. But in particular, she’d missed these men standing right before her. These guys were family. All of them.
“So, are you back at work?” Mackie asked.
“Sort of. I’m here to see Joe to get a research assignment. One I can do either from home or here. He’s letting me go at my own pace for the moment.”
“Joe’s your new CO?” Dex asked in genuine surprise.
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s great. It’s so good to see you, Kelly,” Ryan said, and the others muttered their agreement. Before Kelly could say anything else a series of beeps rang out. The boys pulled out their cellphones.
“Looks like we’re spinning up,” Ryan said. “Gotta go. Take care, Kelly. Hope we see you again soon.”
The team said their goodbyes and she watched them leave.
“This must be tough for you,” she said to Dex.
“Yeah, that’s the first time they’ve spun up without me.” Dex stared after them.
“I’m sorry.”
Dex turned to face her, and a flash of anger flared in his eyes but disappeared just as quickly.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
Kelly opened her mouth to respond, but Joe came out of his office.
“Lieutenant Kimber, I’m sorry. Something has come up. I need to reschedule.”
“Of course, sir. It’s no problem.”
Joe nodded. “I’ll call you once I’m done. Apologies again.” The CO glanced at Dex. “Dawson, I believe you have some after-action reports to review.”
“Yes sir, I do.”
Joe waited, apparently not planning to leave until Dex did.
“It was nice to see you and the team, Dex.” Kelly said. She didn’t want to hold him up or get him in trouble again.
“You too, Kelly.” Dex nodded then turned on his heel and walked away.
Joe smiled at her. “You’re looking even better than last week, if you don’t mind me saying.”
“Thank you, sir. Improving all the time and eager to get back to work.”
“Look, I’m not sure how long this op will take. Why don’t I have someone send over the assignment and you can start looking at it. We can connect once I’m back and chat then. Sound good?”
“Sounds great, thank you.”
Kelly walked back to her car. It had been good seeing the team. She wanted more of that. More time with them. They made her feel normal, whatever that might be. It felt right. Getting back to work, starting to spend more time here, was exactly what she needed. But it didn’t erase the fact that she and Dex needed to talk.
Getting into her SUV, she pulled out her cellphone before she could change her mind.
Let me know when they let the desk chain off. Perhaps we could grab a drink. I'd like to talk.
Dex’s response came within seconds.
Tell me when and where and I’ll be there.
***
DEX SAT AT A TABLE on the patio of Cara’s Coffee Shop. Kelly had chosen to meet here, and he hadn’t questioned it. He would have preferred to meet alone, but if this was comfortable then it was fine by him. They’d been coming to this coffee shop since they were old enough to drink coffee. It was familiar. Probably why she chose it.
He looked up as she walked toward him. She looked beautiful. The simple pale green sundress fell to her knees. Her dark hair hung loose down her back. As always, she took his breath away. Looking at her, somebody might never guess what she’d been through. Until she got closer. Then her eyes told a different story. The sparkle was gone. Dark circles had bloomed beneath them, telling Dex she wasn’t sleeping. Probably plagued by nightmares. His gut tightened as an image of Lazir blinded him. That son of a bitch was going to pay for what he’d done to Kelly and Bravo, if it was the last thing he did.
Dex stood up when she reached the table and pulled out her chair.
“Hey,” she said quietly, sitting down.
“I didn’t get a chance to tell you earlier, but you look lovely.” He sat back down across from her, careful not to be too close.
“Thank you.”
He hated that she sounded nervous. “I got you a coffee.”
He pushed the cup toward her, and she smiled, sending a rush of blood to his groin. He cursed under his breath at the automatic reaction he had to her. Down boy, it ain’t happening. Not the time.
“Thank you for meeting me, Dex.”
“Of course. I told you before, I’m here. Whatever you need.”
He watched her stir her coffee, looking as if she would find the words she wanted to say in the foam.
“Can I ask how you are, like, really are?” he asked gently.
She looked up at him and the pain in her eyes cut him like a knife.
“Sorry, we don’t have to talk about it.”
“It’s OK. It’s a fair question. I asked Ryan exactly the same thing about you.” She smiled weakly at him, and he had to force himself to not reach across the table to grab her hand.
“I’m in a much better place than when you found me. I still have a way to go, but I’m confident I’ll get there. Physically, everything is good, it’s just mentally...well... you know...” She fell silent, looking back down at her coffee.
“It sounds like you’re making good progress.”
“I am. I have a lot of good people around me. A great therapist, and Sophie and I have become close friends.”
“Ahh, Sophie. I don’t think I’m her favorite person right now.” He grinned before sipping his coffee.
“Because she had to keep you from beating down my door?” Kelly arched an eyebrow at him in amusement.
“Not apologizing. I wanted to see you. You know how impatient I can be.” He winked, but Kelly’s face became serious.
“And yet, you have been patient. Very. I’m sorry I wouldn’t see you, Dex. I couldn’t... it was just too hard... too much.” Her voice broke. He leaned forward but hesitated, still afraid to touch her.
“Hey, don’t get upset. I understand. I do.”
He watched her blink back tears, uncertainty in her eyes.
“OK. Maybe I didn’t understand at first. I just wanted to be there for you. Fix it. But I do get it now. I promise. I have missed you though. A lot. There’s so much I want to say to you—”
“I need you to let me speak first.” Kelly held up her hand, shaking her head.
“Of course.”
She took a sip of coffee. He could practically see her drawing on every bit of courage and strength she had. Damn, it shouldn’t be this hard to talk to him. They’d always been so close.
“I’ve missed you, Dex. Missed my best friend. I’ve been torn up with guilt over what happened, even though I know it wasn't my fault. The feelings don’t just go away. I pushed everyone away because it was easier than facing anyone or anything that took me back there. I’m ready to start letting people back in. The team, colleagues. But with you it’s harder. I’m not the same woman I was before, and I don’t know if I ever will be.”
Dex opened his mouth to speak.
“No. Let me finish, please. I want you and the team in my life, but things aren’t going to be the same as they were, Dex. I love you. I always will, but I can’t be with you. I need you to let me go.”
Dex swallowed, his mind racing. "What do you mean, let you go?” he asked, fighting to keep his voice soft.
“I want to be your friend, but that's all I can be.”
“Dammit, Kelly, that’s not what I want.” He’d raised his voice, at once regretting it. “Sorry, it’s just, I still want you, Kelly. Nothing has changed for me in how I feel about you. I want what we had.”
“I can’t give you that. Everything’s changed for me. I need time to heal, and I'll do that better by myself. It might not be what you want, but it’s what I want. I have to focus on what’s right for me.”
“What about what’s right for me? Do you think I can just walk away and move on?” Fuck, that was an unfair thing to say. He was making things worse.
“I’m sorry Dex. You mean the world to me, and I want you in my life, but as a friend. If that’s going to be too hard, I’ll understand.”
She stood and he looked up at her, his heart breaking. He’d really thought today would be the start of them reconnecting. How wrong could he be?
“Kelly wait. Let's talk.”
“I’m not going to change my mind. I’m sorry if I've hurt you, I never wanted to do that.”
Dex stood. “I love you Kelly, I can’t just flip a switch. I don’t want to.”
Kelly shook her head gently, the pain in her eyes ripping his heart apart.
“I’ll always love you. I hope we can get past this and still be in each other’s lives.”
Dex wanted to scream, to grab hold of her and shake some sense into her. This was ridiculous. They loved each other, wasn't that all that mattered? They could work everything else out. Instead, he stood still, common sense telling him forcing the issue would only make things worse.
Letting out a sigh, he said. “So how does this just friends thing work?”
“I don’t know. I guess we take one day at a time. That’s how I’m living my life these days.”
He watched her walk away, feeling his world tumbling down around him again.
***
KELLY POURED HERSELF a generous glass of wine and curled up on her sofa. The day had been quite a roller-coaster of emotions and she’d almost called Claire, then Sophie, but she stopped herself. She needed to start standing on her own two feet.
Seeing the team had been great. The trash talking, easy back and forth, had been refreshing and reminded her she was a part of that team, that family. While normally there’d have been hugs and kisses, it hadn’t been uncomfortable. They had instinctively known to give her more space. She should have known they would.
The assignment had come over from Joe and she was excited to get sucked into it tomorrow. It would be a welcome distraction from Dex.
Their conversation hadn’t gone how she envisioned. She had hoped he would be more agreeable to being just friends. She sighed, taking a large sip of wine. At least it was done now. One day at a time. Celebrate the wins. She’d gotten her cast off, seen the team, gotten an assignment. And she had let Dex know where they stood, where she stood. That was a lot for one day. No wonder she felt exhausted.
Kelly closed her eyes only to see Dex’s face when she told him he had to let her go. He’d been shocked and hurt. She could read him easily after all these years. If things were different, she would give anything to go back to what they had, to how they were. One day she hoped to be ready for an intimate relationship, but that day wasn't here yet and she had no way to predict when it might be. The thought of Dex waiting for her to be ready was just too much pressure. He was a red-blooded man. He couldn’t wait forever, and he shouldn’t have to.
A knock at the door startled her. Setting down her wine, Kelly moved to peer through the peep hole. Oh shit. Matt Dawson stood on the other side. Had Dex told him? Hell, she really didn’t need to explain her reasons to Dex’s father. Leaning her head against the door, she took a breath. She couldn’t ignore him. This was Matt. The man was like a second father to her. Plastering a smile on her face, she opened the door.
“Matt.”
“Hi, Kelly. If you want me to go just say so. I won’t be offended.”
“Did Dex speak to you?”
Matt frowned. “No, should he have?”
Kelly relaxed a little. “No, it’s fine. Come on in.” She stepped aside to let him through, but he hesitated.
“Are you sure? I’m leaving tomorrow, and I just wanted to say hi before I left. I don’t need to come in.”
This time Kelly’s smile was more genuine. “Matt, it’s good to see you, and I’m glad you stopped by before you leave. Now come in.”
Matt stepped inside and Kelly closed the door. “I was having a glass of wine, want one?”
“Sure, that would be great.”
“Make yourself comfortable.”
Kelly grabbed another glass from the kitchen and poured Matt a more conservative amount of wine.
“You look well, Kelly. I’ve been worried about you, even though I have no doubts that you’re strong enough to get through this.”
“You don’t need to worry. I’m doing OK, really.”
“I want you to know that I’m here for you. I don’t know what’s going on with you and Dexter, and I don’t need to know. It makes no difference. I’ll always be here for you. Just pick up the phone.”
Kelly’s eyes filled. Damn, she thought she had been getting the tears thing under control.
“Thank you, Matt.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t. It happens a lot these days, and today has been quite a day.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“You really haven’t spoken with Dex?”
“He mentioned he saw you at the base and that the team spun up, which he’s pretty torn up about.”
“Shit, I forgot about that. Do you know where they’ve gone?”
“No. But apparently it should only be a few days. It’s tough on him. Not that Ryan can’t lead the team, but you know my son. He doesn’t do well sitting on the sidelines.”
“And he’s there because he came to get me.” And hell, I dumped him on the same day. Good timing, Kelly.
“Come on, you know it’s not because of you, and Dex doesn’t think that either. He made a choice knowing there would be consequences.”
Kelly was aware of how Matt felt about Dex going against orders. There was no gray in Matt’s world, only black and white.
“Two more weeks and he’ll be back with the team. He’ll be fine,” Matt continued.
“I hope so. I didn’t make things better for him today.”
Matt sipped his wine, remaining silent though his eyes were warm as they studied her.
Kelly cleared her throat. “I met him for coffee, to...er...let him down gently.”
“Ah, OK. He didn’t mention that. I hope he respected your decision.”
“It’s not what he wants.”
“Doesn't matter what he wants. If that’s your decision, he should respect it.”
“Oh, I know he will, but he doesn’t like it. I hurt him; I think.”
Matt was quiet for a moment and Kelly drank her wine, wondering if perhaps she’d shared too much. Her relationship with Dex really wasn’t any of Matt’s business, but she and Matt had always been close, and this wasn’t the first time they’d discussed Dex. Matt was always honest and straight forward in his advice or thoughts. She loved that about him.
“It’s bound to hurt him a bit. He loves you, and he’s not used to not being able to fix things. He’ll come around. Give him some time.”
“I do love him, Matt.”
“I know you do. You two have way too much history to not get through this as friends. There’s no right or wrong way to handle a situation like this, so don’t second guess yourself. Dex sometimes needs a little while to let things sink in. You know that.”
“I don’t want to lose either of you,” Kelly whispered just as the tears won out and spilled down her cheeks. Matt moved beside her and took her hand in his. She didn’t draw away. Instead, she leaned into him, and he put an arm around her shoulders. This was Matt, a man she looked up to, who looked out for her. He’d made grilled cheese sandwiches for her and Dex when they were kids and chased them around the back yard playing cops and robbers. Here, now, she felt safe.
“You’ll never lose us, Kelly. We’re family. We’re not going anywhere.”
A few minutes passed before Kelly sat up, wiping her eyes with a tissue Matt handed to her.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I feel blessed that you can talk to me. If you want me to speak to Dex, I will.”
“No. We’re grown-ups. I think we can handle it between us.” She smiled at him.
“Fair enough. But if he steps out of line, you let me know. He’s not too old for a kick up the ass.”
Kelly laughed, imagining Matt taking Dex to task. “I’d like to be a fly on the wall for that one.”
Matt finished his wine and stood up. “I should head home. Will you be OK?”
“Yes. Thanks for stopping by Matt. I'm glad we got to talk before you left.” She followed him to the door.
“I love you like a daughter, Kelly. If you need anything, I know Dex and the team are there for you. But you can call me anytime. Even if it’s just to chat.”
“Thank you, Matt,” She stepped forward to give him a hug. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, hugging this wonderful man. Another small step in recovery. Another small win to celebrate.