SEAN WOKE TO bright light filtering through the curtains. Down in the street below there was a siren, voices, the beep of a horn. Paris was awake and, apparently, it thought he should be too. Facing him, curled over onto her side, slept Isabel, blonde hair splayed over the pillow, sheets pulled tightly around her. She looked so peaceful, so rested, so damned perfect that his heart tightened as the questions that had stampeded through his head at midnight played over and over like a stuck record.
Did he want her?
Yes.
Were they rushing things?
Yes.
What did the future hold?
Damned if he knew.
She was everything he’d ever wanted in a woman—back at school and now—the ideal woman every male wanted to be with. Compassionate. Kind. Beautiful. Sexy. Fun. He’d never been able to believe his luck when she’d chosen him above all the other sixth formers. He could barely believe she was here right now.
Whatever it was that was developing between them was huge. Intense. But she’d broken him once and he’d spent so many years erasing her from his heart, so letting her fully in was causing some trouble. He wanted to. Man, he wanted to, but there was a part of him that just wouldn’t let go. Even after yesterday. Such a symbolic and profound moment on the bridge—but that had been about Joshua, not about them. He knew she was scared too and, knowing Isabel, she was a definite flight risk. He couldn’t even think about committing to someone who would always be looking over her shoulder and planning when to leave.
Like him, right now.
She reached a hand to his thigh, her voice groggy with sleep. ‘Hey there, good morning. Don’t even think of going anywhere. I have plans.’
‘Me too.’ He stroked the underside of her breast. She was so gut-wrenchingly beautiful. ‘You wanted to go to see Marina and Teo, and I need to pack if I’m going to get that two o’clock train. Work waits for no man, so I’m told.’
‘Do we have five minutes before we start to rush around? Yes, I’d like to see Marina and the boy, but can we just wait a few more moments? I’d like five. Just five.’ She curled into his waiting arms and lay there, her breathing calm and steady, oblivious to the turmoil in his head. ‘Thank you, Sean, for such a wonderful day yesterday.’
‘My pleasure.’ And it certainly had been. Just watching her smile had been worth every second. But he wanted more and more and more—and that wanting scared the hell out of him. ‘It was a good day all in all.’
‘I wish you didn’t have to go back. I wish we could stay here like this, warm and cosy and …’ she wiggled towards him, her fingers straying upwards along his thigh ‘… content.’
Content? With a juggernaut of questions steamrollering through his brain? ‘How about you ring down for some room-service breakfast? We can have a quick shower, eat and then go?’ And maybe with fresh air he’d get some more perspective.
‘We can have a shower? Great idea.’ Shoving the covers back, she bounded out of bed, then she stopped and looked back at him. ‘Come on, what are you waiting for?’
‘Just taking in the view …’
‘Oh, and you like what you see?’ She wiggled her backside at him. Naked. Pretty as a picture. Her long limbs stretching with ease, there were still the vestiges of her last Australian summer there in the fading freckles. Her breasts bobbed slightly as she moved and he remembered how they’d felt under his tongue, how she’d felt astride him.
Apparently perspective was difficult to come by when he was already hard for her again.
What sane man would walk away from this?
‘Isabel, I have to leave today.’
The smile fell. ‘I know.’
‘So we have to talk—’
She came back to him, sat on the duvet and stroked a hand across his bicep. ‘No, we don’t.’
‘Yes.’ He anchored her to the bed, hands on her shoulders. ‘Stop and listen—’
‘No,’ she interrupted him, her mouth on his lips now. ‘I get it, you know. I totally know that when we leave this room, things will be different. When we go back to work things will be different. So don’t go raining on my parade just yet, got it? Give me five damned minutes, that’s all I’m asking … give me some of the fairy tale.’
‘But—’
Now she’d climbed onto him, straddling his legs—her favourite position, it seemed—pressing herself over his erection. Her lips on his throat. Her glorious heat and wetness on him. Puckered pink nipples pressing against his chest. ‘Please, Sean. Don’t break the spell … not yet.’
Yes, that was how it felt—as if she’d bewitched him. She kissed him again and his resolve wavered. He cupped her bare cheeks and pulled her closer. The woman wanted five minutes.
Five lifetimes and he’d never have enough of her.
And, what the hell, he was all for a little magic every now and then …
And so she’d taken more than five minutes to savour Sean all over again. So sue me. But she’d had to do something to wipe that look from his face—the one that said I’m sorry, but …
She hadn’t wanted to hear how much he regretted spending these past few days with her or that it had to end because they were going back to work. Or anything other than let’s do it all again. Because she knew he’d wanted her as much as she’d wanted him—at least, his body had; his brain seemed to be working overtime trying to find problems. And she’d just had to kiss him one more time before the inevitable happened. But the kissing had led to so much more … and now she was in deeper than she’d ever intended.
As they walked up the paediatric ward corridor towards Teo’s bed she saw Marina waving at her. She’d showered; her hair was in a neat plait down her back. She was dressed in a hospital gown … and, wait? ‘Sean,’ Isabel almost screamed as she gripped his arm. ‘She’s had the baby. Oh, my God, she’s had the baby.’
How the heck would Marina cope now?
Isabel dropped her bags, rushed forward and wrapped her new friend into a hug, tussled the grinning boy’s hair and then stood back as mum unwrapped the bundle she held tightly in her arms.
‘Izzbel …’ Marina held the baby out to her, smiling. ‘Lucia. Lucia.’ And then she garbled something that Isabel didn’t understand but she took the sleeping baby from Marina’s outstretched hands and held it close. The distinct smell of newborns hit her and her heart melted at once at the tiny snub nose and the dark watchful eyes that seemed to know so much already. She thought about Isla and little Geo and felt a mixture of homesickness and pride. All these babies were true miracles. ‘Boy?’ She pointed at Sean because the white gown the baby wore gave no hint as to gender. ‘Or girl?’ She pressed a finger to her own chest, which was thick with joy at this little life, and fear for its future.
Marina pointed at Isabel. ‘Fată … Lucia.’
‘Lucia? Her name is Lucia? It must be a girl. Oh, Sean, come and look.’ He was sitting down and building bricks with Teo. Just watching him play so gently with the boy made her heart sing. He’d have made a wonderful father, she had no doubt.
She really had to stop berating herself about events of seventeen years ago and start to live for now. She’d promised herself that. She’d even kissed Sean’s doubts away long enough to make love with him again, but she couldn’t help having a few herself. And being with him brought all those memories to the forefront.
‘Sean, come look at this gorgeous girl.’
‘Hey there, little one.’ He stood and gave Marina a kiss on the cheeks and offered her a very proud smile, but, as with Isabel, there was a question there. What would Marina do now?
Just then, she noticed another woman hovering close by, in a smart straight black skirt and buttoned-up black jacket, dark hair pulled tightly back into a bun. ‘Hi. I’m Isabel. I met Marina yesterday at the shelter—we brought her here.’
She didn’t smile back. ‘Yes, you are Izzbel. Good to meet you. I am Ana, translator.’
‘Pleased to meet you. I’m so glad you’re here to help.’ Isabel nodded, cradling baby Lucia in one arm while she gingerly reached for her bag and brought out the nappies and babygros she’d purchased yesterday. ‘Can you please tell Marina I’d like her to have these? And here’s some toiletries for her too. Hospital ones are so basic, it’s nice to have some luxury.’
Ana did as she was asked. ‘Marina says, thank you very much.’
‘How is Teo?’
Sean cut in, ‘I’ve just checked through the notes—looks like his fever’s settling. Still a bit high, but it’s coming down and that’s the main thing. He seems chirpier today.’
Isabel brought out the toy fire engine she’d bought for him, leaving the outfits she hadn’t been able to resist in the bag. She’d just leave it all here for him rather than have him overwhelmed all at once. ‘Here you go, buddy. Here’s something for you to play with.’
He took it shyly from her hands and grasped it close to his chest. Marina’s eyes pricked with tears as she grabbed Isabel’s sleeve and muttered something.
Ana translated in that mechanical voice. ‘Again, she says thank you.’
Isabel knew she should probably not ask this question, it was none of her business, but she just couldn’t help it. ‘Can you tell me, what’s the plan for her? Where are they going to be discharged to?’
Ana looked over at Marina, then took Isabel to one side. ‘They want to check her for a few days. She has … high blood pressure from the birth—’
‘I thought so—pre-eclampsia? They induced her too? That should resolve easily enough, but she has nowhere to live and two small children. It’s freezing—’
Ana nodded. ‘There is caseworker assigned now. She go to hotel and then to lodging in Éragny when available.’
The baby started to stir and Isabel felt the usual pull she felt when a baby cried, the ache in her breasts. Her milk had come in after a couple of days and she hadn’t known what to do, how to deal with leaks … for the record, tissue stuffed down a bra just made everyone at school think you were trying to impress. She offered Lucia back to her mum. ‘I think she might want you.’
Garbling again, Marina shook her head and pushed the baby back to Isabel.
‘What’s she saying?’
Ana shook her head and looked at the floor. ‘She says you can have the girl.’ Ana spoke to Marina in the lyrical language, her voice raised. ‘“Take her,” she’s saying. “You and your husband can give her better than I can.”’
‘Husband?’ If she wasn’t mistaken the look Sean threw her was one of abject horror at the suggestion. Now a different beat began to play in her chest. He didn’t want her? Was that it? She wasn’t wife material? Did she want to be? She’d never thought about it before … images flashed through her head of a wedding, and smiling Sean and kids. … all so inappropriate and yet, so wonderful.
But he didn’t want it. And Marina wanted her to be a mother, and Isabel didn’t know if she could do that either. Not that she’d ever accept a baby like this, but, well … She walked to Marina and tried to place the baby into her arms. ‘No, Marina, take her, please.’ It was all becoming just a little too intense. The baby was sniffling now and no doubt preparing to wail for her lunch. And yes, Isabel had material wealth and stability and probably looked like a damned fine bet in Marina’s eyes, but she wasn’t this baby’s mother. And that was what Lucia needed more than anything—her mother’s love. Isabel tried to reason with her, lowered her voice and got her eye contact. ‘Take your baby, Marina. You’re a good mum. Take her.’
Marina shook her head and turned her back as if the deal had been settled.
‘Marina, take your baby, please.’ Sean’s voice had a ring of authority, but was laced with gentleness. He took the infant from Isabel’s shaking hands. ‘Marina, take your baby. Lucia. Needs. You.’
He handed the baby back to Marina and she took her with tears streaking her face. She said something very quietly and then turned away again, sat down and started to breastfeed Lucia.
Ana explained, ‘She said she had to try. She loves her baby too much to keep her.’
Isabel fought tears of her own. She would not cry. She would subsume this emotion and pretend it didn’t exist.
But, oh, it was one thing to have your baby cruelly ripped away because you just couldn’t nurture him, another altogether to be willing to hand your child over to strangers in the hope of a happier life. Isabel’s heart just about broke into pieces. She sat down next to Marina and stroked her back. ‘You’ll be okay. You have so much strength and determination. Look at Teo, he’s a happy boy chatting away to Sean, he’s bonny and—oh, you poor, poor thing. You love her, and that’s the most important thing. I’ll help you. Somehow.’
Sean was by her side as she looked up; he gave her a soft smile. ‘Does this happen a lot? People offering you their babies?’
‘No, it’s usually a one-way street. I hand the baby over at delivery—no one’s ever offered it back to me.’
‘Are you okay?’ He ran a thumb down her cheek.
She curled into his touch as his fingers reached her neck. ‘I think so.’
‘Good.’ He pressed a hand to her arm and urged her to stand. ‘I think it’s best if we leave now. Marina’s probably feeling distraught and guilty and … well, I think we’ve done our best here.’
Isabel shook her head; she wasn’t finished. ‘I’d like to help her further. Maybe there’s a charity I can contact? There must be.’
Ana nodded and gave her a business card. ‘We have charities that can help with baby, with childcare and getting Marina job when she is ready. I have network of Romanian people who will help too. Contact me and I give you details.’
‘Thank you. So much. I will.’ Isabel decided that the formidable Ana would probably not want a hug, so she gave two to Marina instead. Then she kissed little Lucia and knuckled Teo’s cheeks gently. If there was one Delamere gene she was proud of it was the determination to help and to make things work out. She would do that for Marina. ‘I’ll come back soon, I promise. Tomorrow, hopefully.’
Once outside Isabel sucked in a deep breath. ‘This was supposed to be just a conference and then some holiday time. I feel wrung out by it all. I think I’m going to need a holiday when I get back to Cambridge.’
Sean’s arm was round her shoulder as they walked down the steps and towards the Metro station. ‘You take everything to heart, and you shouldn’t. She’s not your responsibility. Are you like this with all your patients?’
Isabel laughed. ‘As if! I’d never get through the day. I manage to keep a perfectly good professional distance but I do care. It’s my job to care. But Marina’s not my patient. She’s … well, she needs a friend, everyone needs that.’
‘You don’t know anything about her.’
‘I know that she loves her kids and that she’d do anything for them. I know that she’s desperate and I’ve been there too.’ And he was right, she shouldn’t have got involved. But how could she not? Somehow the emotion of the week had got to her.
He’d got to her. Spending time with him had cracked open that barrier she’d so carefully built around her heart and now it seemed she was prey to every emotion out there. That had to stop. And right now.
They’d arrived at the Metro and her heart began its funny little thumping and her tummy began to whirl.
Sean looked at his watch then shrugged a shoulder. ‘I’m going to have to go and get that train, but I want to make sure you’re all right.’
And now he was going to leave and the moment she’d been dreading reared its ugly head. ‘Of course, I’m fine. There are thousands of people like Marina all over the world and I can’t help them all. I do understand.’
He pulled her collar around her ears and gave her a look she couldn’t read. ‘I didn’t mean Marina. I meant us. This.’
Us. The thought of it made her hopeful … but then the doubt fairies started to circle again. ‘Of course, I’m fine. After I’ve waved you off with my white handkerchief I’m going to do more shopping …’
He grinned. ‘Oh, yes, of course. The deep and meaningful way of dealing with goodbyes.’
‘The only way of dealing with anything, surely?’ Part of her wanted to cling to his arm and refuse to let him go into the station, to drag him back to bed and replay last night, to never go back to Cambridge or Melbourne and stay here, in Paris, and just be us. Her throat was clogged with words she couldn’t say to him out loud—the poor guy would run a mile.
But he wasn’t going to let it go. ‘That’s not what I was asking, Isabel.’
Oh, she knew what he was asking, all right, she just didn’t know how to answer. ‘I mean, it’s been really great, Sean, but … geez, husband? I had to chuckle to myself when she said that …’
He frowned. ‘That stupid an idea, is it?’
She’d thought he’d have seen the joke too. Thought that the notion of them being married would have made him smile and raise his eyebrows in disbelief. ‘What? No. I mean … well …’
His shoulders dropped a little. ‘Things will change when we go back to work.’
She infused her voice with fake joy. ‘No bed picnics and lie-ins for us … not when we’re playing stork and delivering much-wanted babies. Busy on-call rosters. And, besides, in a couple of weeks I’ll be heading back to Aussie. You’ll be in Cambridge, then who knows where …?’
He nodded. ‘You sound as if you’re trying to convince yourself that it’s not worth the effort.’
‘No. That’s not it at all.’
He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, then his hands skimmed her arms and locked her in place. ‘I know you’re scared. I understand—it’s freaking me out too. So it’s probably a good thing that we have this time to take stock. There’s a lot to work through.’
‘Yes. Of course, so much to think about.’
She thought he was going to walk away but he stepped closer, cupped her face in his hands and brought his mouth close to hers. ‘I was angry about what happened, I admit that. I said some stupid things and I apologise. I was a jerk on the train and an idiot at the wine-tasting. It’s taken some time for me to get used to the idea of what I missed out on—and it hasn’t been easy. Isabel, I’m not a heart-on-my-sleeve kind of bloke, but … it could work, you know. If we wanted it to. We just have to believe. Can you do that?’
The kiss he gave her was lingering and warm. It told her without any doubt that he was willing to do anything to make this work, that he wanted her, that he wanted this.
Did she? Yes. Her heart was cheering. Yes.
And still the questions buzzed in her head along with the one true belief she’d kept all those years: you’ll get hurt.
Plain and simple.
‘Can you do that, Izzy? Can you believe?’
Izzy. Oh, yes, in his arms she was Izzy again, she couldn’t deny it—he had her down pat. He was the only guy who ever had. But was it enough? She’d done wrong by him and they would never get away from that, from that one night that changed everything. It happened; she couldn’t pretend it hadn’t. ‘I don’t know, Sean. I’m sorry.’
He pulled away. ‘You need to stop apologising for everything and start to believe in us again.’
She grasped the keys on the chain round her neck. ‘I’m going to try. I promise. I’ll try.’
‘Good. Me too. When are you back in Cambridge?’
‘Twenty-third, late … then I’m on call Christmas Eve, dinner at Bonnie’s in the evening if I can get away …’ She watched him try to keep up and it sounded like a load of excuses, but it was her life—just her life. This was how it was going to be if anything became of us—two busy professionals trying to fit each other in—none of the all-consuming togetherness they’d shared here. None of what they’d had all those years ago when life was theirs for the taking. ‘I’m at work Christmas Day.’
He pecked a kiss onto her nose and tilted her face up to his. ‘I’ll see you on Christmas Day then, at work—maybe we can do something after our shifts? I don’t want you to be on your own.’
‘Thank you, that would be wonderful. I don’t want to be alone, either. Dinner, maybe?’
‘Yes, dinner. And the rest … everything.’ At her smile he found one too. ‘Believe, Izzy. Take a chance.’ Then he let her go and turned away, his duffle bag high on his back, taking long, long strides into the busy tube station. And taking, along with him, her heart.