‘OOH, LOVELY, MORE CHOCOLATES!’ Isabel reached across the labour suite nurses’ station desk and grabbed a chewy toffee from the box before they all disappeared. ‘From another grateful client?’
‘Hmm, yes.’ Bonnie looked up from her seat in front of the computer screen, popped a chocolate into her mouth and sucked; she had a pair of red velvet reindeer ears on a band over her lovely russet-coloured hair. ‘It’s the best bit about working at Christmas—all the patients get nostalgic about gifts and babies and mangers and we get the benefit. Although there only ever seems to be strawberry creams left when I get to choose.’
‘Aww, that’s because, as labour suite sister, you make sacrifices for your staff. It’s very noble of you.’
Bonnie laughed. ‘It’s because I’m too busy to stop and eat, more like.’
She did indeed have a busy life, what with a little daughter and now Jacob in her life, plus this unit to run. But, if anyone could make it work, Bonnie could. Isabel felt a wee pang of jealousy—it looked like Sister Bonnie had managed to get it all: family, a man who adored her and a job she loved. Some people really could put their past behind them and believe things could work out. ‘Don’t worry, sweetie, I’ll bring a box of yummy French choccies tonight just for you, specifically with no strawberry creams.’
‘Oh, good, are you still coming over for dinner? Freya’s so excited to see you—but be warned … Father Christmas is on his way so she’ll be hyped-up beyond belief.’
After her now ex-husband’s tawdry affair with her best friend, Bonnie had made a fresh start in Cambridge, bringing her daughter away from everything familiar. She had worked hard to make her happy here and to provide everything the girl needed. Isabel had to admit to having fallen just a little bit in love with the little tyke … hyped or not. ‘Okay … no worries at all, I’m looking forward to it. Christmas Eve is so special when you’re five. How’s Jacob bearing up with it all? Must be strange for him to be sharing his house with a ready-made family?’
Bonnie sighed. ‘Don’t tell him I said so, but he loves it. Underneath that brooding exterior is a sucker for candy canes and Santa sacks. Between you and me he’s about as hyped-up as Freya.’
Isabel laughed, imagining their straight-as-a-die, oh-so-professional boss in a Santa outfit. Somehow the image just didn’t fit. ‘There’s a side to him we don’t get to see, obviously. I got Freya some gorgeous dresses in Paris … you’ll just die when you see them!’
‘Oh, that’s so sweet, but you know you didn’t have to buy her anything, really. Anyway, never mind my terrible twosome, tell me about Dr Dreamcakes. I’m all ears and green with envy. A vacation with him in Paris …’ Bonnie put the back of her hand to her forehead and pretended to swoon. ‘Naughty Jacob for setting you two up like that. I swear he had an ulterior motive, but he denies all agendas other than a work one. And I’m sorry he couldn’t go to Paris with you—that may have been my fault. I wanted to make the build-up to Christmas a special one for Freya, and I put some pressure on Jacob not to go. Still, up close and very personal à la France, with a hunk like Sean, what’s not to like? How was it?’
Bless her, all loved-up and finally with the full fairy tale, Bonnie hadn’t got a clue about the state of Isabel’s mind. Her history with Sean had been a well-kept secret from day one and, truth was, Isabel didn’t know how it was.
The few extra days in Paris had been filled with thinking and shopping and worrying. And helping Marina, Teo and Lucia move into temporary accommodation. And then there had been a lot more thinking and wishing and panicking about how she really felt. Which was … confused. She’d spent the last few hours at work grateful that Sean had the day off today and that she wouldn’t have to face him until tomorrow, because no doubt he’d want some kind of an answer. One more sleepless night to try to sort out her head. ‘Oh, you know … it was … Paris.’
‘Hey, you’re back!’ Hope Sanders, one of the other unit midwives, walked out of a side room and wrapped Isabel into a big hug. ‘How’re you doing? Have you seen the crazy amount of stuff we’ve got for the first Christmas baby?’
‘I know, lucky winner! How on earth they’ll get that lot home I don’t know. They’re going to need to call in Santa and his sleigh.’ A huge mountain of gifts now swamped a shopping trolley; the generosity of the unit staff, clients and relatives had been amazing. ‘We could halve it and give a prize for the first baby of the new year too.’
‘What an excellent idea, Isabel. We could do that and share the love.’
For a moment Isabel thought that her trip might well have been forgotten. Prayed so. Alas no … Hope squeezed a drop of sanitiser onto her hands, rubbed them vigorously and grinned. ‘So, come on, how was it? How was Dr Sex-On-Legs? How was Paris? Oh … Wait … Hang on, I’ve just got to go to the ladies’. Don’t say a single word until I get back.’
‘Don’t worry, I won’t …’ Won’t say anything at all, if I can help it. Isabel smiled at her friends. Gosh, she was going to miss this lot when she went home. There was nothing quite like a group of warm and welcoming women to bridge that homesickness gap. They’d all made her very welcome despite their own troubles, and, God knew, they’d all had their fair share over the last year. Bonnie had moved from Scotland and moved in with Jacob before she even knew him; Hope had met and fallen for Aaron, the totally gorgeous American infertility specialist; and rumour had it that midwife Jess Black was also loved up with sexy SCBU doc Dean Edwards, if their spectacular kiss at the Christmas party was anything to go by; but not without a few road bumps along the way for all of them. Somehow they’d survived, the better and happier for it. Apart from Isabel, of course. She was just muddled.
Bonnie smiled as she watched Hope walk down the corridor towards the bathrooms. ‘Not that I’m counting, but that’s the third time Hope’s been to the loo this morning. I hope she’s okay. None of my business, of course.’
‘No, none whatsoever.’ Isabel raised her eyebrows in question, which was girl code for tell me what you’re thinking.
Bonnie’s eyebrows rose in response. ‘She seems very happy. Glowing, I’d say.’
‘What? D’you think …? No, not Hope … and Aaron? And … pitter-patter?’
‘I have no idea … but peeing a lot is one of the first telltale signs …’
Really, nothing was terribly secret on this unit. They all worked long hours and much of their social time was spent together too; they were like family. Everyone knew how gooey Hope went over the newborns, how much she desperately wanted one of her own … and the heat between her and Aaron had been off the scale every time those two had laid eyes on each other. She’d had IVF planned to become a single mum and no one had dared ask her how it had gone; they thought she’d tell them when she had news. Maybe Hope had finally got her dream too?
After a few minutes Isabel watched Hope sauntering back onto the ward, smiling to herself, her hand gently rubbing her abdomen. ‘I think if she had anything to tell us she would. It’s not for us to speculate.’
Bonnie shrugged and winked. ‘All I was saying was that she’s spent a lot of time on the loo this morning. And she seems quite happy about it. Nothing gossipy about that, it’s all just facts.’
Hope reached them. ‘Sorry about that. Now, Isabel, tell me about Paris. Was it wonderful?’
‘We had a very interesting conference, thank you.’
‘Interesting? What exactly does that mean?’ Bonnie checked her watch, stood and walked across to Isabel. ‘Come on, you can dish the dirt on the way.’
‘To lunch? Aww, no, sorry, ladies, much as I’d love to come with you I have so much paperwork to catch up on, emails and stuff, I don’t have time today.’
Bonnie’s arm looped through Isabel’s. ‘I thought you’d say that. As it happens we need some extra personnel downstairs … so you’re coming with us. We won’t keep you too long. I said we’d meet Jess down there.’
‘Jess?’ Isabel sensed mischief. ‘Down where? The cafeteria? I said I can’t do lunch. Are we doing lunch?’ ‘Not so much.’ As they strolled towards the hospital main exit Jess walked towards them, arms full of Santa hats.
‘Oh, great, you made it.’ Jess gave them all a big grin. Another one in the unit to have had a difficult year, but for whom things were very definitely looking up. ‘Thank you so much. I have some extra people coming down from SCBU too, a backing track and some collection boxes. We should make quite a bit, fingers crossed.’
Oh-oh. Isabel felt as if she’d been duped into something she might not enjoy. ‘Make what? Doing what?’
‘Carol singing.’
‘Really? At lunchtime? Why?’ Me? Sing? ‘It’s not my thing, really. I have work to do.’
‘Oh, come on, sweetheart. You’re a long way from home and we thought you might enjoy it.’ Bonnie draped some glittery red tinsel over Isabel’s shoulder while Jess stuck a red hat on her head. ‘Because this is what we do at Christmas. Here’s some tinsel—wrap it round your stethoscope. You are going to have a taste of our lovely British traditions. No beach and prawns on the barby …’ She put on a terrible Australian accent. ‘It’s all mince pies, roast chestnuts and lots and lots of singing.’
‘We sing. I just don’t like doing it all that much.’ It was too much of a reminder, all that little baby Jesus stuff. Away in a manger. Lay down his sweet head.
‘You’ll love it, honestly, and it’s for a good cause.’ Jess grinned. ‘I’ve even managed to coerce Dean to help out, and that’s got to be a first.’
Isabel had had a few professional dealings with Dean Edwards over preemies in SCBU; he was a damned fine doctor and a pretty decent colleague. A bit of a heartthrob too, if she was honest. But no one ever seemed to match up to Sean, no matter how much she looked. And she’d look a heck of a party-pooper if she didn’t join in now. Better to get it over with and then leave. ‘Dean Edwards, singing? Well, if he’s in then I guess I am. I have got to see this.’
‘Oh, there he is.’ Jess walked towards him as if she were floating on air. She gave him a shy smile and he gave her one in return, oblivious to anyone else in the room. Jess handed him a hat. More facts in the department: Jess and Dean were now dating …’Thank you for coming down.’
Hope stopped mid-tinsel-wrapping. ‘Oh … hang on. I just need … wait. I just need to pee. I’ll be right back.’
Bonnie threw Isabel a look as if to say I told you so, then back at Hope. ‘You just went.’
Looking a little sheepish, Hope stuck out her tongue, but the smile stuck. ‘Who are you, my mother?’
‘Sometimes it feels like I’m everyone’s mother here—it comes with the job description.’ Bonnie looked at her seriously. ‘Hope, are you okay?’
‘Yes … Yes, I’m fine. Oh … come here all of you. I need to tell you something.’ Hope steered the three of them, Isabel, Jess and Bonnie, across to a quiet corner, took their hands. ‘Listen, ladies, this has so got to be a secret, but I can’t think straight unless I tell you … I’m pregnant! Sorry, we’re pregnant, me and Aaron …’
Isabel pretended to look blown away with surprise. ‘Wow! That’s so fabulous, honey. Well done you. The IVF worked?’
Hope looked as if she was going to burst with excitement. ‘No … no, that’s just it … I never thought it would happen like this … I went for the implantation and I didn’t need it. I was already pregnant. I’m so excited.’
Jess gave her a cuddle and squealed a little. ‘Wow, that’s just so brilliant. What a Christmas present. You look amazing—feeling okay? No nausea?’
‘Not yet. Apart from needing the loo a lot, I’m fine.’
‘Okay, yummy mummy, you nip off to the ladies’ while we set up. Now, gather round, or we’re going to run out of time. I have to get back in twenty minutes.’ Jess got them all together into a semicircle by the main doors, in front of a beautiful scented floor-to-ceiling pine Christmas tree, and flicked on the sound system. Handing out sheets of lyrics, she joined them and started to sing ‘Away In A Manger’.
Just peachy. As she read through the words Isabel wondered about little Lucia and how she was doing in the new crib that she’d found for her in a Paris baby shop. For some reason the thought of that little scrap of life made her feel a bit heartsore. Or it could have been the excitement of Hope’s pregnancy. Or, it could have been, as Sean had suggested, that perhaps she still had that small part inside her that wanted a baby of her own. That perhaps that dream hadn’t died along with Joshua after all. Maybe she could open her heart to thinking about that, some time, in the future. She decided as she stood there surrounded by all this love that maybe she would.
As they moved into the second chorus people stopped rushing about and started to listen, and they were smiling and joining in. Beyond the doors the sky was thick and heavy as more snow threatened. Isabel knew that by three-thirty it would be dark outside and that every child in the country would be counting down the hours until that very special jolly man paid them a visit. And so it wouldn’t be a swim, then champagne and a barbecue, it wouldn’t be sunbathing and lounging around with her family. She’d be here, with this new family of hers, having a very different time, delivering babies and making some people’s Christmas a very happy one indeed.
And, as the saying went, a change was as good as a rest.
She watched Hope wipe her eyes as the carol came to an end. The audience had grown quite large and people were generously donating into the buckets at their feet.
Then, at the back of the crowd, she saw a face that sent her heart into overdrive.
He wasn’t supposed to be here.
His gaze caught hers and he watched her sing, a small smile on those sensual lips. The world seemed to shrink a little and she felt herself singing the words just to him, and she felt the heat in his gaze. From this distance he probably looked, to everyone else, just like any other guy. But she knew differently.
She knew he was capable of great things, the greatest things anyone could ever do; he was capable of forgiving, of trying to let go, of believing in something that not everyone had the chance to experience in their lives; he was capable of believing in love. With her. He was offering her a chance to have what Hope had, what Jess and Bonnie had, what Isla had, and what everyone deserved: a rich, fulfilling future.
And no, nothing had changed in those last few days, damn it, nothing had changed in those last seventeen years, she still felt gloriously attracted to him; she still craved his touch. Her heart still swelled at the sight of him. She wanted to lean into those shoulders and feel his arms around her; she wanted to lie next to him and talk about the day. She wanted to grow old by his side and somehow make up for the lost years without him. She just had to pluck up the courage to say yes. That was the problem.
After two more songs he gave her a slow wink and walked away.
‘What the hell was that about?’ Bonnie whispered out of the corner of her mouth as she too watched Sean’s back disappear up the corridor. ‘What just happened between you two?’
‘Shut up and sing.’ Isabel smiled through gritted teeth.
And she did. And nothing more was said as they went through another five carols and raised a couple of hundred pounds for the SCBU.
But later, when just the two of them were walking back to the labour suite, Bonnie stopped and looked straight at Isabel. ‘I know it’s none of my business—’
‘No, it’s not.’ But she knew her friend had the very best intentions.
‘So here are the facts as I see them.’ Bonnie smiled gently as heat hit Isabel’s cheeks. ‘Every time you and Sean are in the same room there are sparks. Tensions soar so high we all feel a need to switch on the fans and get ice. Fact number two: you were heard arguing about your past, about a relationship you had. About lies you told, apparently. And he said he didn’t want to see you again. But you went to Paris together. And it was interesting.’ Another girl-code stare. ‘Fact three: the way he looked at you out there just about set the hospital alight. I was torn between decking the halls with boughs of holly and phoning the fire brigade. The man clearly wants you and yet, here you are, looking glum and worried. You want to talk? Because I can listen, very well.’
It would help, Isabel knew, just to say the words out loud. ‘Maybe later?’
‘Later it’ll be Freya and Father Christmas and Jacob and chaos. Trust me, we won’t get a chance. I have time now. My office?’
‘You hate your office.’ Everyone knew that Bonnie never went in there unless she could help it.
‘I know, which means no one will find us, so we won’t be disturbed.’
Thirty minutes and two cups of strong black coffee later Isabel felt as if she’d bled all over Bonnie’s desk. ‘So now I have to decide what to do. Take a chance on him, or walk away. I have a plane ticket to Melbourne on New Year’s Eve, so essentially I have a week to decide the rest of my life.’
‘When are you seeing him again?’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘So, in reality, you have twenty-four hours.’
‘Geez, girlfriend, you are not helping.’
Bonnie shook her head and with a formidable glint in her eye she leaned forward. Isabel could see why she was a very good match for Jacob—Bonnie would fight for what she wanted, tooth and nail. ‘Do you think that if you had a hundred more years to decide it would help? If you love the man you have to take a chance. Do you love him?’
Well, wow, that was a question. She’d tried to put him behind her, she’d tried to erase those feelings, ignored them, subsumed them, but in the end the real question was: had she ever stopped loving him? ‘But, Bonnie, how could you dare to let go after what you went through?’
Bonnie’s shoulders rose then fell. ‘Sometimes you’ve got to take a risk, and, believe me, I didn’t do that lightly. I had Freya to think of. But, well, once I realised I loved him and he loved me I wasn’t prepared to let that chance slip through my fingers.’ She covered Isabel’s hand with her own, and it was almost as if Isla were here talking sense to her. They’d get on well, she thought, her sister and this woman who was fast becoming like one. One day she’d get them to meet, somehow. What a party that would be. ‘Come on, Isabel, I understand what you’ve been through, but that’s all in the past. You have a lot of living to do. What have you got to lose?’
Isabel nodded, fighting the lump in her throat. Bonnie was right, of course—what did she have to lose by loving Sean Anderson? ‘Everything. That’s the problem.’
‘And if he’s worth that much to you, you’ll take that risk.’