JESS FELT AS if the ground was tipping beneath her feet. She felt as if at any moment she might slide to the floor. She could see the scene playing out in front of her, almost as though she was a spectator watching from the sidelines. She could see herself wobbling in the foreground and she could see Lucas standing close enough to touch. If she could just reach out a hand she could feel him. See if he really was real. But she couldn’t move. Life seemed to be going on around her as she watched, too overcome to react.
He turned towards her at the sound of his name.
‘JJ?’
She hadn’t been called JJ in years. It had been his nickname for her and no one else had ever used it.
She couldn’t believe he was standing in front of her. Lucas, undeniably Lucas. He still had the same brilliant, forget-me-not-blue eyes and the same infectious, dimpled smile and he was smiling now as he stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug. She fitted perfectly into his embrace and it felt like it was only yesterday that she’d last been in his arms. Memories flooded back to her and her stomach did a peculiar little flip as her body responded in a way it hadn’t for years. She tensed, taken by surprise by both his spontaneous gesture and her reaction.
He must have felt her stiffen because he let her go and stepped away.
Her eyes took in the sight of him. He looked fabulous. The years had been kind to him. Better than they’d been to her, she feared. His hair was cut shorter but was still sandy blond and thick, and his oval face was tanned, making his blue eyes even more striking. He had the shadow of a beard on his jaw, more brown than blond. That was new. He wouldn’t have had that seven years ago, but he hadn’t got fat. Or bald.
Her heart raced as she looked him over. He was wearing dark trousers and a pale blue business shirt. It was unbuttoned at the collar, no tie, and he had his sleeves rolled up to expose his forearms. He looked just as good, maybe even better, than she remembered.
Her initial surprise was immediately followed by pleasure but that was then, just as quickly, cancelled out by panic. What was he doing here? He wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be in Europe or Australia. Eating cheese in Switzerland or surfing at Bondi Beach. He wasn’t supposed to be in Canada and especially not in Moose River. She was the one who belonged here. She was the Canadian.
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked him.
‘I’m the hotel manager.’
‘In Moose River?’
‘It would seem so.’ He grinned at her and her stomach did another flip as heat seared through her, scorching her insides. He didn’t seem nearly as unsettled as she was about their unexpected encounter. But, then, he’d always adapted quickly to new situations. He seemed to thrive on change, whereas she would rather avoid it.
The ambos and Aimee and her baby had disappeared and a second elevator pinged as it reached their floor.
‘Are you finished up here?’ he asked.
Jess nodded. It seemed she’d lost the power of speech. It seemed as though Lucas had the same effect on her now as he’d had seven years ago.
‘I’ll ride down with you,’ he said.
He waited for her to enter the elevator. She tucked herself into the corner by the door, feeling confused. Conflicted. She wasn’t sure what to think. She wasn’t sure how she felt. One part of her wanted to throw herself into his arms and never let him go. Another wanted to run and hide. Another wanted desperately to know what he was thinking.
Lucas stepped in and reached across in front of her to press the button to take them down to the lobby. She hadn’t remembered to push the button, so distracted by him she wasn’t thinking clearly.
He was standing close. She’d expected him to lean against the opposite wall but he didn’t move away as the elevator descended. If she reached out a hand she could touch him without even straightening her elbow.
He was watching her with his forget-me-not-blue eyes and she couldn’t take her eyes off him. His familiar scent washed over her—he smelt like winter in the mountains, cool and crisp with the clean, fresh tang of pine needles.
The air was humming, drowning out the silence that fell between them. She clenched her fists at her sides to stop herself from reaching out. She could feel herself being pulled towards him. Even after all this time her body longed for his touch. She craved him.
They stood, for what seemed like ages, just looking at each other.
‘It’s good to see you, JJ.’ His voice was a whisper, barely breaking the silence that surrounded them.
He stretched out one hand and Jess held her breath. His fingers caught the ends of her hair and his thumb brushed across her cheek. The contact set her nerves on fire, every inch of her responding to his touch. It felt like every one of her cells had a memory and every memory was Lucas.
‘You’ve cut your hair,’ he said.
‘Many times,’ she replied.
Lucas laughed and the sound was loud enough to burst the bubble of awareness and desire and longing that had enveloped her.
She didn’t know how she’d managed to make a joke. Nothing about this was funny. She was so ill prepared to run into him.
Last time he’d seen her she’d had long hair that had fallen past her shoulders. She’d cut it short when Lily had been born and now it was softly feathered and the ends brushed her shoulders. She’d changed many things about herself since he’d last seen her, not just her hair. It was almost a surprise that he’d recognised her. She felt seventy years older. Not seven. Like a completely different person.
She was a different person.
She was a mother. A mother with a secret.
The lift doors slid open but Jess didn’t move. Lucas was in her way but even so she didn’t think she was capable of movement. She needed the wall to support her. Her legs were shaking. Her hands were shaking. She knew her reaction was a result of the adrenalin that was coursing through her system. Adrenalin that was produced from a combination of attraction and fear. Why had he come back? And what would his presence mean to her? And to Lily?
‘Mr White.’ A hotel staff member approached them. Lucas had his back to the doors but he turned at the sound of his name and stepped out of the elevator. ‘Mr Bertillon is nearly back at the lodge. He’s only a minute or two away. What would you like me to do?’
‘I’ll meet him here. Can you organise a car to be waiting out the front? We need to get him down the mountain to the hospital asap.’
Jess pushed off the wall and forced her legs to move. One step at a time, she could do this. Lucas turned back to face her as she stepped into the lobby. ‘Have you got time for a coffee? Can you wait while I sort this out?’ Jess shook her head. ‘I have to get back to the medical centre,’ she lied. She had no idea how to deal with the situation. With Lucas. She had to get away. She needed time to process what had just happened. To process the fact that Lucas was here.
‘Of course. Another time, then.’ He put a hand on her arm and it felt as though her skin might burst into flames at his touch. Her pulse throbbed. Her throat was dry. ‘We’ll catch up later,’ he said.
Jess dropped the medical bag off at the clinic before trudging through the snow back to her apartment. Seeing Lucas had left her shaky and confused and she used the few minutes she had to herself to try to sort out her feelings.
He said they’d catch up later. What would he want? She definitely wasn’t the naive teenager from seven years ago. She wasn’t the person he would remember.
What would she do? She needed to work out what to tell him. How to tell him.
She shook her head. This was all too much.
She’d have to try to avoid him. Just for a while, just until she worked out what having all three of them in the same place would mean for her and Lily. Just until she solved this dilemma.
Seven years ago she’d fallen in love. Or she’d thought she had. Seven years on she had convinced herself that maybe it had just been a bad case of teenage hormones. Lust. A holiday romance. But seeing him today had reinforced that she’d never got over him. How could she when she was reminded of him every day?
She knew she wouldn’t be able to avoid him for ever. Moose River wasn’t big enough for that. They were bound to bump into each other. But even if avoidance was a possibility she suspected she wouldn’t be able to resist him completely. Curiosity would get the better of her. She’d been thinking about him for seven years. She would have to fill in the gaps. But as to exactly what she would tell him, that decision could wait.
She opened her apartment door and was almost knocked over by an excited Lily.
‘Mum, where have you been? Kristie is here. We’ve been waiting for you for ages.’
‘Yes, darling, I know. I’m sorry I’m late,’ she said as she kissed her daughter.
Normally, seeing Lily’s little face light up when she arrived home after a long day at work was enough to lift her spirits. Normally, it was enough to remind her of why she worked so hard and why she’d made the choices she had, but today all she could think of was all the secrets she had kept and wonder how much longer she had until the secrets came out.
She felt ill. The living room was warm but she was shivering. Trembling, Kristie got up and hugged her and Jess could feel herself shaking against her cousin’s shoulder.
Kristie stepped back and looked at Jess while she spoke to Lily. ‘Lily, why don’t you go and try on that new skisuit I got for you? I think your mum would like to see it.’ She waited for Lily to leave the room and then said to Jess. ‘What’s going on? Did it go badly with the patient?’
‘No, that was all fine,’ Jess replied. She’d been going to stop there but she knew Kristie would get the news out of her eventually. She’d always known when something was bothering her and she’d always been able to wheedle it out of her. She decided she may as well come clean now. ‘It’s Lucas.’
‘What do you mean, “It’s Lucas”? What’s he got to do with anything?’
Jess collapsed onto the couch. ‘He’s not in Switzerland or on Bondi Beach. He’s here.’
‘Here? In Moose River?’
‘Yes.’
‘What’s he doing here?’ Kristie sat down opposite Jess.
‘He’s managing the Crystal Lodge.’
‘The new hotel? How did you find that out?’ she asked, when Jess nodded.
‘I saw him there.’
‘You’ve seen him?’
She nodded again.
‘Oh, my God! What did he say? How did he look? What did you say?’
‘Not much. Good. Nothing.’ She couldn’t remember what she’d said. All she could remember was how he’d looked and how she’d felt. How those eyes had made her catch her breath, how her knees had turned to jelly when he’d smiled, how her heart had raced when he’d said her name, and how he’d wrapped her in his arms and she’d never wanted to leave. How, after all these years, she still fitted perfectly in his embrace.
‘Look, Mum, it’s pink.’ Jess jumped as her reverie was interrupted by Lily modelling her new skisuit. ‘Isn’t it pretty?’
‘It’s very nice, darling,’ she replied, without really looking at her mini-fashionista. She was finding it hard to focus on anything other than Lucas. ‘Now, why don’t you get ready for a bath while I do something about dinner.’
Lily stamped her foot. ‘I want to stay in my suit and I don’t want dinner.’
‘You need to eat something and you don’t want to get your new suit dirty, do you?’
Lily folded her arms across her chest and scowled at her mother. ‘I don’t want dinner.’
‘I bought Lily a burger and fries after school. She won’t be going to bed hungry,’ Kristie said.
‘She ate it?’
‘She ate the fries and about half the burger.’
Jess was pleased. Maybe the fresh mountain air was stimulating her appetite. Maybe a compromise could be reached.
‘Okay, you don’t need to eat but you do need to have a bath and put your pyjamas on. Then you can hop into bed, put the headphones on and watch a movie on the laptop.’
That was a bribe and a compromise but it worked. Lily thought she was getting a treat and she stopped complaining. It worked for Jess too as it meant she and Kristie could talk without fear of being overheard. She knew Kristie would continue to pump her for information and she didn’t want to discuss Lucas in front of Lily.
By the time Jess had bathed Lily and got her settled with her movie Kristie had ordered a pizza and poured them both a glass of wine. The moment Jess emerged from the bedroom she could tell she was in for a grilling.
‘What are you going to do?’ Kristie asked, as Jess drew the curtains on the balcony doors and shut out the night.
‘Nothing.’
‘You can’t do nothing! He deserves to know.’
‘Why? My father was right. Obviously the week we spent together didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me. If Lucas wanted to be a part of my life he’s had plenty of time to look for me before now.’
‘You know you don’t believe that,’ Kristie said. ‘You didn’t believe your father seven years ago and you don’t believe that now. If we could have found Lucas all those years ago he’d be part of your life already.’
‘But we couldn’t find him and my life is fine as it is,’ she argued.
‘But what about Lily? Doesn’t she deserve to know?’
Jess greeted Kristie’s question with stony silence.
‘You can’t put off the inevitable,’ Kristie added. ‘It’s not fair to Lucas and it’s not fair to Lily.’
‘But I have no idea what type of man he is now,’ Jess countered. He might not be the person she remembered. Did she even remember him? Maybe everything she remembered had been a product of her imagination but she knew one thing for certain—she wasn’t the person he would remember.
She’d dreamt of Lucas coming back into her life but now that he was here she was nervous. His return brought complications she hadn’t considered and consequences she wasn’t ready for. She wasn’t ready to deal with having him back in her life. She rolled her eyes at herself. Who said he would even want to be part of her life? Or Lily’s? This wasn’t a fairy tale. This was reality.
She sighed. One thing at a time. That was how she would deal with this. She would gather the facts and then work out her approach, and until then she would stay as far away from him as possible.
‘I need some answers before I tell him anything,’ she said.
‘You can’t avoid him for ever.’
‘I just need some time to process this,’ she said. No matter how much she’d wished for one more chance, now that the moment was here she wasn’t ready. ‘Whatever we had was over a long time ago. It was a teenage romance—it’s water under the bridge now.’
‘It might be,’ Kristie argued, ‘except for the fact that the bridge is sleeping in the other room. There’s always going to be something connecting you to him.’
And Jess knew that was the crux of the matter.
Lily.
‘You can’t keep her a secret any more, Jess.’