‘JESS? JESS!’
Jess turned around from the window as the sound of Kristie’s voice dragged her back to the present. She needed to focus. Judging by Kristie’s tone, it seemed she might have been calling her for a while. ‘What?’
‘Lily was talking to you.’
‘What are we doing tonight, Mummy?’ Lily asked, but Jess couldn’t think. Her mind was still filled with thoughts of Lucas and it took her a moment to come back to the present. She was distracted but that wasn’t Lily’s fault and it wasn’t a good enough reason to ignore her daughter.
Kristie rescued her. ‘How would you like to do something special with me, Lily?’ she offered.
‘Like what?’
‘It’ll be a surprise. I know you love surprises. Go and pack a bag with your pyjamas and a toothbrush while I think of something.’
Kristie waited for Lily to leave the room. ‘You should ring Lucas and see if he’s free for dinner.’
‘What? Why?’ How was it possible that Kristie could read her mind?
‘I know you haven’t stopped thinking about him since this morning, probably since yesterday. I know you said you were going to avoid him but you can’t pretend you don’t want to see him. You’ve been miles away all afternoon. So the way I figure it is you might as well go and see him while I’m here to look after Lily. I’ll take her on a sleigh ride, she’s desperate to do that—she won’t even care what you’re doing.’
‘She told you she wants to go on a sleigh ride?’ That was enough to stop Jess from thinking about Lucas. ‘Would you mind doing something else? I really want to do that with her. I’m saving up to take her as a Christmas surprise.’ Her heart ached. She knew Lily wanted to take a sleigh ride from Crystal Lodge more than anything and even now that she knew Lucas’s involvement with the lodge she wasn’t going to let it derail her plans. Logistics weren’t the issue but money was. She didn’t have the cash to spare so, until she got her first pay cheque, the sleigh ride would have to wait.
Jess could see Kristie biting her tongue and knew she wanted to offer to pay for it but she’d learnt the hard way that Jess was determined to make it on her own.
Kristie looked at her but didn’t argue the point. ‘Sure. Can I take her to our apartment?’ she asked. ‘I won’t tell her it belongs to our family—we can drink hot chocolate and toast marshmallows in front of the fire and watch the replay of the Thanksgiving parade. She can have a sleepover and then you can have the night free to do as you please.’
Jess wasn’t convinced this was a good idea. ‘You know what happened last time we hatched a plan like that,’ she said. ‘I ended up pregnant.’
Kristie just shrugged and smiled. ‘Lily would like a sibling. She’d probably like a father too. I think this is fate intervening. Leading you to decisions that I know you don’t want to make. Perhaps you should let fate dictate to you. I think you owe it to Lucas to meet up. Don’t you?’
‘No,’ Jess replied.
She’d refused to wear a dress. As if that meant she had some control over the situation. She didn’t want to feel like she was going on a date. They were just two old acquaintances catching up. She tucked her jeans into her boots and tugged a black turtleneck sweater over her head. Jess did put on make-up—she was too vain not to—but kept it simple. Foundation, mascara, some blush and lip gloss. She still wanted to look pretty but not desperate. Adding a red scarf for some colour, she headed out the door.
She’d insisted on meeting him at the hotel. This wasn’t a date so he didn’t need to collect her, she was quite capable of walking a few streets. She stepped from the plaza into the lodge. Tonight she had more time to take in her surroundings and she stopped briefly, gathering her thoughts as she admired the room. There were two beautifully decorated Christmas trees in the lobby, one at each end, and the lobby itself was festooned with lights, pine branches, red bows and mistletoe.
The lodge was celebrating Christmas in style and decorations were multiplying in the village too. The Christmas spirit was alive and flourishing in Moose River and Jess smiled to herself. As a child she had loved Christmas. She had looked forward to it all year, partly because the festive season also included her birthday, but it had been her favourite time of year for so many reasons. Until her brother had died.
After Stephen’s death Christmas had lost its sparkle. She knew he was always in her parents’ thoughts, particularly her mother’s, especially at certain times of the year, including Christmas, and that had taken the shine off the festivities. Even though he wasn’t spoken of for fear of further upsetting her mother there was always the underlying sense that someone was missing and Christmas had never been the same. Until Lily was born. And now Jess was desperate to have the perfect Christmas. She wanted to create that for Lily and she had hoped that being in Moose River would give her that chance. This was her opportunity to put the sparkle back.
She felt someone watching her and she knew it was Lucas. Jess turned her head. He had been waiting for her by the bar and now he was walking towards her, coming to meet her in the lobby.
Seeing him coming for her made her feel as if she was coming home but she resisted the feeling. She belonged here in Moose River so she should already feel at home, she shouldn’t need Lucas to make her feel that way.
He was wearing a navy suit with a crisp white shirt and a tie the colour of forget-me-nots. She’d never seen him in a suit before. His hair had been brushed, it wasn’t as tousled as she was used to, and she fought the urge to run her fingers through it and mess it up a bit. He looked handsome but she preferred him more casually styled. But perhaps the old Lucas wouldn’t have fitted into this fancy hotel. She wondered how much he’d changed. Probably not as much as she had. The thought made her smile again.
He smiled in response. A dimple appeared in his cheek, a sparkle in his eye. Now he looked like the Lucas she’d fallen in love with.
He reached out and took both her hands in his then leaned down and kissed her cheek, enveloping her in his clean, fresh scent. The caress of his lips sent tingles through her as her body responded to his touch. She could feel every beat of her heart and every whisper of air that brushed past her face as his lips left their imprint on her skin. Despite what she thought, her body didn’t seem to remember that this wasn’t a date or that seven years had passed. Her body reacted as if it had been yesterday that Lucas had been in her bed.
She’d been on a few dates over the past few years but she’d eventually given up because no one else had ever had the same effect on her as Lucas had. The attraction she’d felt for Lucas had been immediate, powerful and irresistible, and she’d never felt the same connection with anyone else. Not one other man had ever made her feel like she might melt with desire. Not one of them had made her feel like she was the centre of the universe, a universe that might explode at any moment. What was the point in dating? she’d asked herself. Why waste time and energy on someone who wasn’t Lucas? If she couldn’t have Lucas she’d rather have nothing.
And it seemed he hadn’t lost the ability to make her feel truly alive. Just a touch, a glance, a kiss could set her off. She’d need to be careful. She’d need to keep her wits about her and remember what was at stake.
‘JJ,’ he said, and his voice washed over her, soft and deep and intimate. How could she feel so much when so little was said? ‘Thank you for coming.’
As if she’d had a choice.
Despite her show of determination to Kristie earlier in the day, she’d known her resolve wasn’t strong enough to withstand the temptation of knowing that Lucas was only a few streets away. She’d known she’d pick up the phone and call him.
‘I hope you don’t mind if we stay in the hotel to eat?’ he asked.
‘I’m not dressed to eat here,’ she said, as she took her hands out of his hold and shrugged out of her coat. Jeans and an old sweater were not five-star dining attire, even if the jeans hugged her curves and the black top made her blonde hair shine like white gold.
He ran his eyes over her and Jess could feel her temperature rise by a degree for every second she spent under his gaze. She could see the appreciation in his eyes and the attention felt good.
‘You look lovely,’ he said as he took her coat. It had been a long time since she’d wanted to capture a man’s interest and despite telling herself this wasn’t a date it was nice to know that Lucas liked what he could see. ‘And you’re safe with me. I can put in a good word for you if need be.’ He was laughing at her and she relaxed. His words reminded her of their first night together all those years ago. She’d felt safe then and she felt safe now.
‘Are you sure? I don’t want to drag down the standards.’
‘Believe me, you’re not lowering our standards.’ He ran his gaze over her again and Jess’s breath caught in her throat as she saw his forget-me-not-blue eyes darken. ‘We’re fully booked for the weekend and I’d like to be close to hand in case there are any issues.’
She was worried that eating in the hotel would give him the upper hand. He would be in familiar surroundings and she felt underdressed and out of place. But, then again, she consoled herself, this wasn’t a competition, it was a friendly dinner.
‘Are you expecting problems?’ she asked, as she walked beside him into the restaurant. He had his hand resting lightly in the small of her back, guiding her forward. His touch was so light she should hardly have felt it but she could swear she could feel each individual fingertip and her skin was on fire under the thin wool of her sweater.
‘There are always teething problems with a new project—the only unknown is the scale of the disaster,’ he said, as he checked in her coat and greeted the maître d’.
She followed him to a table positioned beside the large picture windows looking out over the outdoor terrace and onto the plaza. Lucas pulled out her chair for her and reached for a bottle of champagne that was chilling in a bucket next to her. He popped the cork and poured them each a glass.
‘To old friends,’ she said, as they touched glasses.
‘And new memories,’ he added. ‘It’s good to see you, JJ.’
She took a nervous sip of her champagne as the waiter approached their table.
‘We’re not ready to order yet,’ Lucas told him.
‘It’s fine, Lucas,’ Jess told him. ‘You must know what’s good—why don’t you choose for us both?’ She sounded breathless. She was nervous, on edge from conflicting emotions—guilt, lust, fear and desire—and she doubted she’d be able to eat anything anyway. The sooner he ordered the sooner she’d be able to escape before she said or did something she might regret. She’d been desperate to see him but now she was worried that she’d made a mistake.
She looked out the window as Lucas gave the waiter their order. Christmas lights were strung up around the terrace and stretched across to the plaza. They surrounded the ice-skating rink and looped through the bare branches of the trees. The ice and snow sparkled under the glow of the lights as skaters glided around the rink. It was the perfect image of a winter wonderland.
‘It’s a beautiful view,’ she said, as the waiter departed, leaving them alone again. She got her breathing under control and returned her gaze to Lucas. ‘It’s a beautiful hotel.’
‘You like it?’
‘It’s perfect. Just looking at it makes me happy. Someone has done a very good job.’ The entire lodge—the furnishings in the rooms, the decorations in the lobby and the views from the restaurant—all conspired to make her feel as though the hotel was giving her a warm hug. Or maybe that was Lucas.
‘Thank you,’ he said.
‘You?’
Lucas nodded. ‘This is my vision.’
‘Really? I thought you were the hotel manager.’
‘That’s my official title but this is my hotel.’
‘Yours? You own it?’
‘Yes. This is my baby.’
‘You dream big, don’t you?’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You told me you wanted to work in the hospitality industry when you finished university. You never said you actually wanted to own a hotel.’
‘You remember that?’
I remember everything about you, she thought, but she said nothing. She just nodded as the waiter placed their first course on their table.
‘I have you to thank for that,’ he told her.
‘Me?’
‘I started planning this the day you vanished from my life.’
‘I didn’t vanish,’ she objected. ‘My father dragged me away. I didn’t have a choice.’
‘In my mind you vanished. I never saw you again. I looked for you, every day, until the end of the season, until the day I left, but you had disappeared.’
‘You looked for me?’ She’d never dared to imagine that he would have thought about her.
‘Of course. Did you think I would just let you go? Especially after what happened that day. I went back to your apartment the next day but there was no answer. Eventually I found the caretaker and he told me you’d all left. I was sure you would get in touch with me and I kept looking, thinking maybe you’d be back before the season ended. When that didn’t happen I started writing to you, long letters that I was going to post to your family’s apartment, but I never finished them.’
‘Why not?’ How much simpler might things have been if he’d done that. Then she might have been able to find him when she’d needed to.
‘I was never good with words. I decided that words were empty promises and that I was better off showing you what I wanted you to know. It’s taken longer than I thought. But now we have a chance to fill in all the gaps. To catch up on what happened that day and in the past seven years.’
Jess could remember every second of that day. Every moment was imprinted on her brain, each glorious moment, along with every humiliating one. It had certainly been a birthday to remember.
She had wanted to sleep with him from the moment he’d kissed her. After that first night at his party she would have gladly given him anything he’d asked for but for as long as she could remember she’d fantasised about her first sexual experience and it had involved a big bed, clean sheets, flowers, music and candles. Not a single bed in a shared flat. Getting naked in Lucas’s flat in a bedroom he’d shared with Sam had not been an option and so she’d had to wait and hope for a different opportunity. And then, on the morning of her birthday, her aunt and uncle had announced they were going cat skiing, leaving the girls on their own, leaving Jess free to spend the afternoon with Lucas.
They had spent any spare moments they’d had together since meeting seven days earlier. With Kristie’s help Jess had sneaked off at every chance she’d had. She’d never done anything like that before but being with Lucas was more important than being the perfect daughter. Lucas had unleashed another side to her personality and she hadn’t been able to resist him.
On her eighteenth birthday her aunt and uncle’s plans had given her the ideal opportunity to create the perfect setting in which to let Lucas seduce her. It had to be that way. Lucas would have to seduce her as she didn’t know where to start. She would create the opportunity for seduction and Lucas would have to do the rest.
And, just as Kristie had predicted several days earlier, Jess found herself planning sneaky afternoon sex. Only it had been more than that. She had gifted her virginity to Lucas. She had offered herself to him. She had offered him her body and her heart and he had taken them both. She had given herself to Lucas and in return he had given her Lily. It had been the perfect birthday. Up to a point.
‘That day didn’t end quite how I’d expected,’ she said.
‘No. Me neither. But I have to know what happened to you. Where did you go?’
‘We left Moose River that night.’
‘All of you?’
Jess nodded.
‘Because of me?’ Lucas asked.
‘Because of both of us,’ Jess said. ‘But mostly because of my father. I still don’t know how I’d forgotten they were arriving that night. I can’t believe I lost track of time so badly.’ She’d been swept away by Lucas and once she’d had a taste of him she hadn’t been able to get enough. He had brought her to life. Her body had blossomed under the touch of his fingers and the caress of his lips. He had introduced her to a whole new world. A world of pleasure, fulfilment and ecstasy. He had consumed her body, her mind and her heart, and she had forgotten about everything else, including the imminent arrival of her parents.
Everyone had got more than they’d bargained for that day.
Jess could still remember the moment she’d heard them arrive. The moment her ecstasy had turned to dread. The moment her fantasy had become a nightmare.
Lucas’s head had been buried between her thighs and he had just given her another orgasm, her second of the day, when she’d heard the front door of the apartment slam. And then she’d heard Kristie’s loud, panicked voice welcoming them. Jess had known Kristie had been trying to warn her. Thank God she’d been there and had been able to stall them just long enough for Lucas to scramble to the bathroom. Jess could still recall how his round white buttocks, pale in contrast to his Aussie tan, had flexed as he’d darted to the bathroom. She’d just had time to throw his clothes in after him and then pull on her sweatpants and a T-shirt before her father had come into her room to wish her a happy birthday.
Their hurried dressing hadn’t been enough to fool him. He’d taken one look at their semi-dressed state and the rumpled bed and had gone completely berserk. Being caught out by her parents hadn’t been anywhere near how she’d imagined that afternoon would end.
Her father had been furious with her, upset and disappointed, and disparaging of Lucas. He’d thrown him out without ceremony after a few well-chosen remarks before making Jess pack her bags. Her aunt and uncle had arrived home from their day of cat skiing in the middle of the circus and both girls had then been bundled into the car and returned to Vancouver, where Jess had been subjected to endless lectures about abuse of trust and lack of respect for her aunt and uncle as well as for her parents’ rules.
‘I was so worried about you.’ Lucas’s words broke into her reverie. ‘I thought your father was going to have a fit.’
‘He was always over-protective but his reaction was extreme, even by his standards. I was so embarrassed by the way he spoke to you. I still haven’t forgiven him for that.’
Lucas smiled as the waiter delivered their appetisers. ‘I feel I should thank him.’
Lucas nodded. ‘His diatribe started me on this mission. He accused me of being a good-for-nothing bum and I wanted to prove him wrong.’
Jess looked around her at the opulent hotel. ‘You did all this to get back at my father?’
‘I wanted to prove to him that I was worthy of his daughter. He was my inspiration but I did this for you.’
‘For me?’
He picked up her hand and Jess felt his pulse shoot through her. His thumb traced lazy circles in her palm and her body lit up in response to his touch. It gave life to her cells and awakened her dormant senses. She felt seventeen again, full of newly awakened hormones.
‘Your father suggested I would never measure up to his expectations. But it was your expectations I was worried about. I wanted to be someone who was important to you. I wanted to be someone who could fight for you. Who could protect you. I didn’t stand up for you that night and I want you to know that won’t happen again.’
‘I’m not the same person I was then, Lucas.’
She remembered that awful day as if it were yesterday. The shame. The heartbreak. She had felt as though things could never be worse. Until she’d found out that, really, they could. In fact, they could be a lot worse.
Everything had changed after that, including her. The only thing that hadn’t changed, apparently, over the past seven years was how Lucas affected her. As his eyes locked onto hers she knew she would jump right back into bed with him tonight if he asked. She could feel every cell in her body yearning for him. She felt as though if she didn’t keep tight control of her emotions her body would dissolve. The heat between them was enough to melt her core and she could feel herself burning.
She could get lost in him so easily and she couldn’t let that happen. She needed to resist him, needed to keep her distance, but when he looked at her like he was doing now, like she was the only person in the world, she didn’t think she had the willpower to stay away. Sitting there, looking in to his blue eyes, she could pretend that her life was still simple and easy and privileged.
But that wasn’t the truth.
She fought the urge to give in to him. To do so would mean telling him all her secrets. She knew that it was inevitable but she was terrified of what he would think when he found out. Would he forgive her? Would he reject her? Would he reject them both?
What a complicated situation. Coming back was supposed to be the answer. It was supposed to help her get her life on track, to give her and Lily the freedom she craved, but all she’d got were complications and confusion. All she’d got were more questions and fewer answers.
She suspected it would be impossible to get out of this with her heart intact and she wasn’t sure if she could stand to lose him a second time. But that wasn’t going to be her choice to make.
She picked up her glass as it gave her a chance to remove her hand from his, which was the only thing to do if she wanted to think straight. There were things she needed to tell him.
Jess sipped her champagne, steadying the glass on her lip to disguise the shake in her hand. All the times she’d wished he’d been with her and now here he was. It was time for the truth. She couldn’t keep her secret any longer. She took a deep breath and put her glass down on the table. Starting the tale would be difficult but she feared it wouldn’t be the worst part.
‘Lucas, there’s something I need to tell you.’