Chapter 24

Billy groaned with pleasure as he sat and put his feet up on the comfortable new sofa that he and Kara had just had delivered to their Ferry View apartment that weekend. ‘God, this is so lovely compared to that old saggy two-seater you had in here.’

‘Isn’t it. I just want to doze off every time I get on it. Drink?’

‘A beer, please. What’s for dinner?’

‘I can’t be bothered to cook so as it’s nearly the weekend, either we run out for fish and chips or we have pizza again.’

‘Pizza is perfect.’

‘I’m such a bad girlfriend.’

Billy tutted. ‘We are a partnership.’

‘I asked Star why we never see her out and about with Conor,’ Kara called through from the kitchen.

‘Oh yeah, what did she say?’

‘That they are always getting takeaways too.’ She walked through with Billy’s beer. ‘What do you think of Conor?’

‘I think he’s great. He’s a hard worker, totally honest with me. Very funny. I like him.’

‘Oh. OK.’ Then Kara began to blurt out, ‘I was just worried that he’s using Star and also he bloody owes me for some flowers, and I know he’s been skint but that doesn’t sit right with me, especially as you are his boss now.’

‘Oops! That’s my fault.’ Billy reached into his jeans pocket. ‘Here, he gave me a tenner and I forgot to give it to you.’

‘Shit, Billy.’ Kara was stricken. ‘Bloody hell, poor Star, I was such a bitch to her earlier.’

‘Sorry, sweet cheeks, I’ve had a lot on my mind. It was so cold and windy out there today and Daz didn’t show again so I had to do the tug all day. Poor Conor was freezing his bollocks off out the front; at least it’s a little warmer behind the wheel.’

‘You said Darren didn’t show? Hmm.’

‘What does hmm mean?’ Billy took a slug of his beer.

‘Your mum said that he wasn’t on the stall today as he was helping you.’

The wind, now whistling across the estuary at a rate of knots, was causing torrents of rain to sporadically rattle against the balcony doors. A huge flash of sheet lightning suddenly lit up their compact living area.

Kara flinched. ‘Here comes the storm. Is James Bond in, do you know?’

Without acknowledging her, Billy jumped up as if the lightning had struck him. A look of panic was on his face.

‘Did Daz really say that?’ he demanded. Kara nodded. ‘Where’s my phone?’ He fumbled for it in his jacket pocket and dialled his twin’s mobile. He couldn’t get through. ‘I’ve got to go to him. Kar?’

‘What’s the matter?’

‘I can feel it, something’s wrong. Fuck! It’s Daz, I just know it.’

‘Do you want me to come with you?’

‘No, no, I’ll call you. Keep your phone handy. Order the food.’ He kissed her on the forehead, snatched up his keys, slung on his work coat and boots and headed down the stairs. As he ran to his van, a massive gust of wind coming right off the sea knocked him sideways. The slashing rain stung his face.

Billy abandoned the van in the market, then two by two he shot up the metal stairs to his old flat above the family’s fruit and vegetable shop. The last time he had had an intuitive feeling of dread like this was when they were teenagers and Darren had fallen off his pushbike cycling back from the pub and had smashed his face up. He knocked loudly and rang the bell. ‘Daz! Daz, bro! Are you there?’ The crash of a dustbin being blown over and sent down the hill shocked him, as much as the next crack of lightning and resounding clap of thunder did. If the belief that God was moving His furniture was true, he certainly had brought in a big bloody wardrobe tonight.

Billy rummaged in his pocket for his keys, his cold wet fingers hampering his desire to get the door open and see if his precious brother was all right. Once inside, he slammed the door to against the wind and raced into the lounge.

Darren Dillon was lying face down on the floor with his mobile to the side of his face. He was breathing. A voice on the end was speaking slowly and calmly. ‘I’m still here. Take your time. You’re through to the Samaritans. Has something happened that has made you want to call us today?’

‘Oh hello. Sorry, sorry. I’m his brother. I’ve got him now. I’ve got him. Thank you so much,’ Billy gasped and ended the call.

‘Daz?’ Billy sat his brother up; Daz’s head lolled on to his shoulder. He stank of alcohol.

‘What have you taken? Have you taken anything? What have you done? I’m going to call an ambulance.’

‘No,’ Darren managed. ‘I’m just really, really shpisshed.’ With that he hurled right over Billy’s left shoulder and all over the rug in the middle of the wooden floor.

Billy laid him on his side in the recovery position, then fetched his duvet and put it over him. He went through to the kitchen to find an empty half-bottle of whisky. The whole place was in an even worse state than when he had come round the other day. It smelled like a refuse tip. In the bathroom he checked the medicine and toiletries cupboards for tablets of any kinds, putting some paracetamol in his pocket as he did so. He also raked through the bathroom bin for any drug packets and ran to both bedrooms to see if there were any in there either.

He walked back into the lounge to check that his brother was still on his side and that his breathing was OK. It was shallow. He paced around a bit. Darren so wouldn’t want a fuss, but what if he was dangerously drunk, what if he did need an ambulance? What if they couldn’t get through because a tree was down? He googled to see if there was any helpful information about what to do if someone was very drunk, but he didn’t know whether Darren was just drunk, or dangerously drunk. He had only been sick the once and his breathing wasn’t too shallow – or was it? Were there levels of shallowness? His mind racing, Billy raced into the kitchen and frenziedly tipped up the kitchen bin and scanned littered surfaces for any other empty bottles. Billy knew he needed assistance. He didn’t want Kara coming out in this weather, so should he phone his mum or dad? Then he breathed a sigh of relief. He knew exactly who he could call.

Pearl was there within minutes, skidding up on to the pavement below on her pea-green scooter and hurrying up the steps to bang on the door.

‘You caught me perfectly, my little darling, just as I was leaving the hospital,’ she said, and immediately Billy felt a great relief. ‘I told Joe I’d be a bit late ’cos of the weather, but I sailed through. OK, let’s see what’s happening here, shall we?’

Billy rolled up the spew-covered rug and threw it over the top of the outside stairs, out into the elements and somewhere that no one would fall over it in the dark. Meanwhile, a calm and professional Pearl checked over Darren.

‘You did everything right,’ she told Billy when he came back. ‘Your brother is just very drunk, as you said. But he can stay here. He needs a warm bed and plenty of fluids as soon as he’s able. And I don’t mean Jack Daniel’s.’ She laughed quietly. Billy smiled.

‘Good job he called you,’ she went on. ‘The bigger danger would have been him going on to his back and choking on his vomit.’

‘He didn’t call me, but with our twin sense when Kara told me he hadn’t been to work, I just knew. But he did call the Samaritans.’ Billy’s voice wobbled. ‘I thought … I …’

‘It’s all right.’ Pearl put a reassuring arm around Billy’s shoulders. ‘Calling them – well, that’s a positive thing. He’s obviously ready to talk about whatever it is that’s troubling him. Now come on, let’s get him into bed.’ A comatose Darren Dillon allowed the nurse and his brother to clumsily carry him into his bedroom, where they heaved him onto the bed, laid him on his side and rested a pillow behind him, so he couldn’t roll over.

Leaving a bowl on the bed and a pint of water next to him, Billy and Pearl went back through to the lounge, which stank of alcohol and vomit.

‘Will you stay here?’ Pearl asked. ‘I think it would be wise, just in case he needs you.’

‘Yes, I will. I’ll call Kara now and let her know what’s happened. She’s rung me twice already, bless her.’

‘And Billy,’ Pearl looked the young man in the eye, ‘this stays between you and me unless you say otherwise. I understand.’

Billy gulped. ‘I knew you’d take away all the drama. Mum would have gone into hysterics. Dad would have got angry.’ Her kindness made him feel like he was going to cry.

‘Talk to him,’ Pearl counselled. ‘Find out what it is. I’ve seen and heard many scenarios during my thirty years in hospitals and I’ve realised that the only thing in the whole world there is not a solution for is death. Whatever it is he’ll be all right. You’ll be all right. And you can always come to me to talk, you know that.’

As Pearl made her way carefully back up the hill to Bee Cottage on her scooter, dodging the gusts of wind, Billy messaged Kara, who was concerned but fine, then went in to Darren, who suddenly shot up in bed and managed to vomit directly into the bowl that Billy and Pearl had put near to him.

‘Bill? What you doing here?’ His voice was croaky. Billy put the bowl on the floor and handed him the loo roll that Pearl had also put on the bedside table. Darren then promptly burst into tears, tears that should have been shed long ago, and now that the dam had been burst by alcohol, he just couldn’t stop. Billy sat on the bed and just held him, not saying a word.

‘I need to tell you something,’ Darren sobbed finally, his breath hitching. ‘I’m sorry I’m so drunk.’

Billy felt the same fear go through him as when he had thought his brother might be ill or worse. He waited with his heart pounding.

‘I will tell you what’s wrong and you’re going to laugh at me, and you might even hate me. And Dad will go apeshit, I know.’ Darren made a noise between a laugh and a cry. ‘I’m an iron, a poofter. Call me what you like.’ Darren grabbed the pillow next to him and put it over his face. ‘I’m gay, Billy,’ he said in a muffled voice. ‘Gay.’

Billy pulled the unnecessary barrier away. He was super-calm. ‘Is that it?’

‘You what?’

‘Daz, I’m so close to you I know when you need to take a shit, don’t I, and you me. You’ve never had a bird, not even at school. Yes, you shagged the Penhaligan tart and Lydia Twist, but neither of those were going anywhere. That was obvious.’

‘Lydia fell for me, big time.’

‘No shit, Sherlock. That’s obviously why she went away. Kara and I had already worked that one out. I was just waiting for you to tell me.’

‘After Lydia, I realised I had to be true to myself and other people. Everybody hated her but well, she was actually quite decent underneath all her demons. I hurt her.’ Darren sniffed again.

‘Are you going to be this sensitive all the time now you’ve admitted you’re a big wuss?’

Darren managed a smile. ‘You’re not allowed to say things like that.’

‘I can say what I bloody want to you. You scared the shit out of me! When I heard the Samaritans at the end of the phone, I thought you had tried to top yourself.’

‘Mate, they’ve been amazing.’ Darren groaned and took a drink of water. The smell of sick was making him feel queasy again. ‘I have rung them a couple of times. Just to talk to someone, you know. No judgement, no fear. Even in the middle of the night, a calm voice is at the end of that phone.’ Saying this made tears run down his face.

‘What did you expect me to do though, really? I love you, Daz. Love is love. You’re attracted to men, so what? That doesn’t change our relationship, not one bit. You’re still my brother.’ He hugged Darren.

‘What about Mum and Dad?’ Daz asked fearfully. ‘Us having grandchildren is all Mum goes on about on the stall.’

‘Me and Kara have got that covered, and if you meet someone and want a family, well, you can do that too. The options are there. Actually, Conor was telling me the other day that one of his best mates in London is a single social worker, and he’s just adopted a little boy. Times have changed, mate.’

‘I know Mum will handle it, but Dad won’t be able to cope.’

‘He might surprise you. Weren’t the Kray twins gay or one was bisexual – and he’s obsessed with their story. And anyway, it’s your long-term happiness here that’s important. It’s your life, Daz. And what other people think of you is of no consequence. People who love you will always be there for you, whatever you say or do.’

‘Will you come with me when I tell them?’

‘If you want me there.’

Darren gulped down the rest of the glass of water in one. A huge rumble of thunder felt like it shook the bedroom.

‘Bloody hell.’ Darren laid his head back on the pillow. ‘I didn’t realise the weather was so bad.’ He was feeling dreadful. The room swam and his head ached.

‘You didn’t realise what your name was earlier, so it’s good to see you a bit more like yourself.’ Billy smiled. ‘You’ll soon be feeling better. Will you go back to London or stay here, do you think?’

‘We don’t all run around dancing on Gay Pride floats and drinking in Soho, you know.’ It was Darren’s turn to smile weakly. ‘In fact, us gays are really quite prevalent in the south-west, according to my dating app.’

‘That was a stupid comment.’ Billy sighed. ‘Sorry, bro.’

‘It’s fine and I’m not going anywhere. Not yet. It’s family, innit.’ They both laughed. ‘And now the only place I am definitely going to is sleep. I feel so rough.’

‘Do you want me to stay?’

‘Nah. Get back to Moony – and thanks.’

‘For what?’

‘For being such a fucking cool brother.’

‘I won’t say a word, not even to the missus.’

‘No, I want you to tell her. I want her to know, but please don’t say anything until I’ve told the old man and woman.’

‘OK, but you do the talking when you’re ready to anyone else, not that it’s anybody’s business really. But in future, bro, don’t suffer in silence. I’m not going anywhere. Well, unless you start supporting Tottenham, that is.’

‘You dick.’ Darren grinned sleepily. ‘I’m sorry I scared you. I was frightened of losing everyone, you see. Especially you. But I need to do this. I need to be me.’

‘Yes, you do. Never forget we are twins, Daz. One for all and all for one and all that. After all, we lived together for nine months before anyone else even met us.’

‘I bet we even caused chaos in the womb, poor old Muv.’ Darren laughed, swung his legs out of bed, felt very dizzy, then somehow managed to right himself and groaned, ‘I so need a piss.’ Billy quickly moved the bowl of sick in time for Daz to stagger off to the bathroom.

Kara had replied to his coming home message with a pizza emoji and a big kiss. He shouted out: ‘Don’t worry about work in the morning. Get yourself together and tidy this shithole up.’

‘Just pass me my feather duster,’ Darren shouted camply back, then appeared in the lounge to see Billy putting on his coat. He hugged him and said in his normal voice: ‘You’re my fucking hero, Billy Dillon, do you know that?’

Billy felt a warmth go right through him. ‘Jesus, you’ll be singing Mariah Carey to me next. Now fuck off back to bed.’