Chapter 55

Star pulled up outside her mum’s new home to find her painstakingly putting some solar lights around the side of the decking with one hand. Familiar music was streaming out across the park from the second-hand CD player that Star had got Estelle from the market.

‘I was worried you wouldn’t find me but then realised it’s the same green as the other one,’ Estelle shouted down as Star got out of the car.

‘Here, let me help you.’

‘No, no, I want to do it, it keeps me busy. But come on in now.’

In the lamplight Star could see that Estelle’s long grey hair had been cut and styled into a sleek bob with blonde highlights.

Star went to turn the music down. ‘Your hair is amazing, Mum. You look like Helen Mirren, so beautiful.’

‘Thanks. I’m just getting used to it.’ Estelle messed it up a bit with her good hand. ‘One of the nurses at Penrigan General has a sister who is a hairdresser. She came yesterday and did it for me for next to nothing. I feel like my old self again.’

‘You sound like the old you too,’ Star said and smiled at her. ‘How are your injuries doing?’

Estelle sat down on her sofa and lifted both her bandaged arms up. ‘My right hand is virtually healed now. The left arm will take a little longer and I will have nasty scars, but I know I’m lucky to be alive. The burns weren’t deep, just surface. I think it was more the shock that put me in intensive care.’

‘And I’m so glad that you are alive.’ Star went and sat next to her on the sofa. ‘Mum, I’m so sorry about what I said to you before the accident.’

The words you’re dead to me reverberated around Estelle’s mind for a minute, but then she put a comforting hand on her daughter’s knee. ‘I know we had a row, but I don’t remember what you said. I am the one who should be saying sorry to you. Sorry for all the years I wasn’t there for you. Sorry that you had to go to dear old Auntie Flo for your love and support. I don’t deserve you to be sitting next to me. You should have deserted me years ago.’

‘I love you, Mum. I would never have walked away, ever.’ Star looked around to see if she could spot any signs of alcohol use, but all she saw was the elephant in the room – her father – who lurked there.

‘It’s nice and warm in here,’ she remarked.

‘And not an electric fire in sight.’ Estelle smiled to reveal clean white teeth. Her skin looked clearer, lacking its usual blotched red texture. ‘Larry, you know Billy Dillon’s mate, he sorted the electric radiators in here. Timed to perfection!’ She grinned. ‘I mean, how kind are my neighbours. I lost everything, but to come home to this, well, there are no words. I owe it to you and to them and myself to get my act together now. You see, I didn’t realise I was loved or just how much.’ Tears started to flow down her cheeks as she said brokenly, ‘I lost all my photos, of you, of everyone I ever cared about.’

‘Oh, Mum. Auntie will have some more, I’m sure.’

Seeing that her mother was strong enough for the surprise to come, Star scrabbled in her bag to find the solicitor’s envelope. It was time. Handing her mother the black and white photo of herself with her beloved Matthew, she said, her voice shaky, ‘It’s going to be OK.’

Estelle put the photo to her heart. ‘You know? You know about Matthew?’

Star nodded. ‘He wrote me a letter. I’ll leave it with you to read. There is one thing you should know before you do read it though, Kara is my sister.’

‘Oh my God!’ Estelle spoke in slow motion. ‘Matthew told me he had slept with Doryty – another secret I had to keep. But that was before me, when we were trying to resist each other. Trying not to do the deed, as we both knew that if we did come together it would cement our love and make it all the more difficult for us to say goodbye. I wasn’t shocked or angry when he confessed to me. I know how powerful desire can be, especially when it is unsatisfied. As for myself, I have never known wanting like it. Poor Kara,’ she sighed. ‘And poor dear Joe. I had no idea. Do they both know?’

‘Kara knows, as she received a letter too, and she’s getting ready to tell Joe. They will get through this. They love each other and that is stronger than anything. And Matthew loved you, Mum. I understand so much more about you now. I’m so sorry. Read what he said to you.’ Star took the photo gently from her mum’s bandaged hand and turned it over.

‘You read it to me,’ Estelle whispered.

‘Estelle, you let go of me with love, the ultimate sacrifice. I never stopped loving you but it’s time to say goodbye now and for you to be the person I know you can be. Matthew x.’

Estelle’s face was etched with pain. ‘Get me a tissue, love.’ Then, after wiping her face and blowing her nose loudly, she said, ‘Steren, I was going to tell you everything, but it seems my darling man got there first.’

Star nodded. ‘Yes.’

‘I also wanted you to know that I’ve started a programme to help get me off the drink and drugs. I’ve been clean since the day I went into hospital and I am going to meetings and I have met Greg, who is my counsellor. I can do this, Steren.’ Star nodded again. ‘I’m doing it for you, and I’m doing it for me,’ she held the photo up, ‘and for him by the look of it too. I know it’s going to be hard, and I will need your support.’ Estelle then looked at her daughter’s big bump. ‘From now on I’m going to be the best damn grandmother to this little mite and to Skye and, of course, the best mum to you.’ She smiled. ‘I was right about a St Patrick’s Day baby, wasn’t I?’

‘Yes, incredibly.’

‘The American, was it?’

‘He’s English, but yes, he lives in America.’

‘So, my prediction? Which one of these men is the shaker, and which one is the breaker?’

‘It’s not black and white mother.’

‘Is it ever?’ The wise woman smiled.

‘I think I love Jack and knowing that I can’t be with him does break my heart. But he is still with his girlfriend and he thinks this is Conor’s baby.’ Star cradled her bump.

‘Oh, Steren.’ Estelle Bligh’s voice cracked with emotion as her daughter went on.

‘I could also say he was the shaker too, as he stirred up sexual feelings I had long buried and thought I would never experience again. Conor took and shook up the mantle ably on that front to make me realise what I’d been missing on an intimacy level, too. And what a lovely, kind guy to hold me through it. I hope I haven’t hurt him. If I have, he hasn’t shown it.’ Star sighed deeply. ‘Mum, what should I do?’

‘Oh, darling. Tell Jack the truth. Then it’s up to him what he does with it. You can’t live a lie like I did for all those years. I loved your father. I loved him so deeply. I should have shouted louder for his time; despite his sacrifice.’ Her voice tailed off. ‘But I put him first, instead of me and you.’

‘That is so sad.’ Star put her hand on her mother’s knee. ‘But what if Jack doesn’t care?’

Lyrics from Enya’s haunting ‘May it Be’ filled the room. The two women’s sapphire-blue eyes locked in understanding. ‘Then at least you know.’

Star got into her car and waved back to her smiling mum, who had come out on to the decking to see her off. She automatically checked her phone for messages but remembering the signal was so rubbish at the static home park she threw it back in her bag. As she parked up behind her shop, a couple of texts beeped in. One was Kara saying she hoped everything had gone well with Estelle, and the other was from Jack. Star’s heart leaped with anticipation.

And then, just as quickly, her heart plummeted a million miles to the bottom of an ocean of depression. She cried out in pain at the heartless message. ‘Getting married? No! No! No!’