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ARE YOU AN URBAN GO-GETTER? You work hard, you play hard, and lately, you’ve been finding that old reliable boyfriend a little soft. You don’t have a lot of time between your high-pressured job, your parcours workouts, and The Bachelorette. You’re just looking for someone exciting you can squeeze in every so often.
YOU NEED A GUY WHO: Puts the booty in booty call.
MEET: Bertram, the cad from All’s Well That Ends Well. He’s rich, he’s hot, and he’s totally above you. Plus, he’s married. But that doesn’t stop him from stepping out on his wife, so if you can put up with his attitude, give him a call. Like Tiger Woods before rehab.
ARE YOU A NAVEL-GAZING BROOKLYN BOHO? If only you had a hit TV show and a wardrobe of unflattering Peter Pan–collared dresses like Lena Dunham! You’re so close to full-fledged self-absorption, with your Chinese character tats and low-paying job in publishing.
YOU NEED A GUY WHO: Makes you feel worse about your body than you already do but will also be the heartbreaking subject of your bestselling memoir in twenty years.
MEET: Prince Hal. Someday he’ll become the honorable Henry V, but now Prince Hal is a spoiled rich kid who parties hard and loves a good prank—just like a Kennedy! He’s the kind of guy who might take an interest in the intellectual girl in the corner, if only to win a bet with his drinking buddies. And you can bet he’ll never call back! But think of the advance on your book: My Night with Prince Hal.
ARE YOU A SUBURBAN SORORITY SISTER? Five years from now, you’ll be walking down the aisle in a big white dress with ten bridesmaids and a wicked hangover. Until then, you’re going to have some fun, fun, fun, especially on football weekends!
YOU NEED A GUY WHO: You can’t take home to Daddy.
MEET: Falstaff. Yes, that Falstaff, the pleasure seeker, the lover of wine, women, and song. He’s way too old for you, it will never last, and besides, he’s a liar, a thief, and a cheat, but he epitomizes the lovable rogue. Think Vince Vaughn circa 2005. See? Kind of appealing, right?
ARE YOU A BOOKWORM BETTY? You were honored to be voted Most Likely to Become a Librarian, and your membership in the Jane Austen Society means the world to you. It’s just that you haven’t had a real date since prom, unless you count that hookup at the Renaissance Faire three years ago.
YOU NEED A GUY: With a large…vocabulary. That’s right, a large vocabulary.
MEET: Mercutio, Romeo’s homey. Funny, scene-stealer, life of the party. And believe me, he gets invited to all the best parties. Possible drug issues, maybe bipolar, but always a good time. Today’s version: Lil Wayne.