*JENNA*
Sunday November 11, 2012
Wake up, Jenna Sabini, it’s eight in the morning and girl, you got things to do!
With the sound of my blaring alarm deafening me by the second, my eyes popped open despite a multitude of issues that did not end on just one part of my face. Crusty, gunky, yucky, icky, dry, issues.
“Ew, gross.” Picking gunk out from corners of my eye, clearing my dry mouth—because maybe your girl here snored—and wiping slobber from the corner of my chin was not how I usually started my day. Feelings from yesterday came back in full force.
My subconscious reacted, forcing me to look up at the mural of galaxies that would on any normal day exude tranquility. This morning was no different.
“Thank God for stars.” I sighed and kicked off my blanket. “All right, enough moping, Jenna Sabini does not mope. She trains hard.”
Yesterday I was supposed to train but I got sidetracked with Tom. After he left I stared at the plate of bacon like a lost puppy confused out of her mind. Finally in a fit of anger I stormed out of my room, went down the stairs to the kitchen and dumped every single piece of bacon into the trash. It felt good throwing what he liked away. Like somehow I got mine back.
The high died when my parents arrived home. My dad threw a giant, yet hilarious fit over the missing bacon at which point my mom told him to “shut it,” because he needed to control his cholesterol and that if I hadn’t, she would have anyway.
“Don’t even think about it,” Dad hissed at Mom as I entered the kitchen, ready to head out to the Y after a quick breakfast. I slid off my duffle strap and dropped the bag by the kitchen entryway.
“Don’t be a dramatic princess, Tony.” Mom cringed, holding a plate of sizzling bacon over his head. “This turkey bacon has 50 percent less sodium, and I don’t care if you don’t like it, because buster, it’s all I’m buying from now on.”
“Cruel woman,” Dad barked, pouting miserably as she placed the plate down in front of him. “I’m not eating that diet stuff. I’m a man.”
“Ha.” Mom snorted, taking a seat across the table. “It’s too early for jokes, darling.”
“Jokes?” Dad glared at her. “I’ll give you a joke, but you won’t like it very much.”
Mom raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
Dad folded his arms over his chest. “You… heard… me.”
“Coffee, Ma?” I interrupted, not because it was a serious fight, but because anxiety filled my blood vessels and I needed that cool burst of pool water to wake me out of this lingering stupor. Chlorinated water had magical powers, I swear to God.
Breakfast needed to be quick.
“Fresh in the pot, sweetheart,” Mom answered, not taking her eyes off Dad.
While I grabbed a mug from the cabinet, Dad pointed his fork at me. “It’s the bacon thief!”
I shrugged. “Guilty as charged.”
“Jenna,” Dad cried, dropping his fork on the table with a loud bang. “She wants me to eat… turkey bacon!”
“Oh, the madness.” I smirked and poured myself some coffee—sans milk, sans sugar, bitter and black just the way I liked it. I joined my parents at the table as Mom forked two pieces of “bacon” over to Dad’s empty plate.
She smacked the back of his head. “Eat, now. Spent good money on this.”
Dad conceded and picked up a piece. “Fine, I’ll try it.”
As he chewed, Mom watched him like a hawk and I drank my coffee and swiped a small piece of bacon. “Not bad,” I determined after the last bite.
“It’s okay, I guess,” Dad mumbled to Mom’s glorious grin.
“Winner, winner,” Mom cheered, smacking him playfully. “Respect the queen, fool.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Dad grumbled and ate his second piece. Mom gave him a kiss on the cheek, and with a piece of toast in my mouth, I left for the Y.
Normally on Sunday mornings the Y was empty, or practically empty. This morning was no different. I turned the shower off and headed out of the change room, careful not to slip on wet tiles. I was hopeful that I’d be the first one in, walking out to a quiet, calm pool. Chlorinated water untouched, serene, sending me vibes of comfort, taking everything horrible I felt and replacing it with one thing: control.
I stepped out with my towel and smiled.
Alone, and it’s exactly what I needed.
Let the training commence.
That first dive in… made the world okay again.
*~*~*
*JENNA*
After swimming forty-eight laps (twelve hundred meters) of Freestyle, Back crawl, Breaststroke, and Butterfly, and practicing my flip turns and symmetrical wall taps, I decided I was good and headed back to the change room and showered.
While I toweled my legs dry, water dripped down my back to the floor, creating a small puddle. Three sixty-something women giggled past me in floral and polka dot peplum swimsuits.
“We’re going to be late for our aquatic fitness class, ladies. Scurry along, I heard dreamboat Willy is back.”
“My word, remember those tight blue swim trunks! I’d like to feel my way around those firm oranges.”
“And his muscles… I can’t believe he’s fifty-two. He seems forty-two with that tight-muscled bottom.”
Their antics were absolutely hilarious.
Swimming helped calm me down, but three old ladies pining after their fitness instructor was exactly what the doctor ordered, brightening my mood. I laughed, watching them shower and giggle like schoolgirls as they exited to the pool.
On my way to my locker, I came to a conclusion. This morning at the Y was a success. Finally feeling some semblance of my old self, I unlocked my locker and checked my phone. My mood dipped in a flash. Thirty minutes ago, Becky and Annabelle had sent me one text each, and my gut knew what they were about… our plans for this afternoon.
I exhaled in frustration. My so-called friends and their failure to follow through with a promise had become mind bogglingly hilarious. It was predictability at its finest and the conundrum of whether I should laugh, or cry, or curse in madness held me in a stupor, staring in my locker, comatose. Like Jenna Sabini could ever do drugs, staring in the distance like a blurry-eyed waif trying her best to just survive this cold, heartless world.
Snap.
Out.
Of.
It!
I guess I should check those texts before I delve further into imaginary destitution.
Becky: Dude, don’t kill me, but I have to bow out of our plans for this afternoon. I have some family issues I need to deal with. Rain check?
How could I be mad at her for that? I needed to be slapped. Poor Becky did not deserve my wrath for bowing out to deal with family stuff.
Jenna: Dude, no worries. I hope everything’s okay?
Becky: I hope so too. See you at school tomorrow.
Next text…
Annabelle: Don’t be mad….
Jenna: Why not, when it’s so easy….
Annabelle: Something’s come up.
Jenna: What came up? Is it James’s little man again? You wannna jump his bones this afternoon and cancel our plans?
Annabelle: It’s not like that Jenna. It’s some personal ish that I can’t get into with you.
Jenna: Whatever. Good night and good luck! *Angry face*
Annabelle was a traitor.
Annabelle “The Traitor” Simms.
There, I said it.
No remorse for saying it either… like at all.
Blowing me off to—
Annabelle: Jenna chill, it’s not like that.
Jenna: Girl, Pulease…. You ain’t foolin nobody! What’s so important anyways? Does Boy Wonder need his diaper changed already? This is ridiculous!
Annabelle: JENNA!
Jenna: ANNABELLE!
In my still wet swimsuit, I waited by my open locker for Annabelle to text me back. She didn’t and it was the final nail. I wiped myself clean of her—for today at least. Watch me not answer her if she dared text me again today. She needed to learn a lesson on the right way to treat her best buddy—not like last time, but hey, I’m not chopped liver here, I deserved some kind of respect.
*~*~*
*JENNA*
“Jenna, get the door please!”
“All right!”
I finished a sentence for my history paper and ran to the foyer. I opened the front door with my first real smile of the day. Uncle Frank and Winnie stood on the porch with huge smiles, holding foil-covered trays in both their arms.
“Thanks to a fearless warrior, returning alive from a journey that has killed many, we come bearing the finest treasures and delicacies known to man,” Uncle Frank roared as I stepped aside.
Winnie shook her head as she followed him inside and I closed the door. “Or in other words, the grub has arrived,” she added.
I laughed as Dad stepped inside from the backyard. “Kick that guy back out, he’s making the neighbor’s dog bark again with his mumbo jumbo.”
Uncle Frank walked up to his brother and held the tray between them like it was leverage. “Keep talking bro, and you won’t see a lobster tail.”
They looked like MMA fighters before entering a ring, talking smack to one another.
“You deny me a lobster tail… and it will… definitely be game over for you.” Dad growled playfully, doing this weird squinting thing.
Mom closed the fridge with a bang and stepped in front of them with a huge bowl of salad. “Last one outside eats only salad for dinner tonight.”
“What!” Dad and Uncle Frank screeched. They run to the backyard while Winnie and I took our sweet time.
Mom waited for us by the patio doors. “What are we in for tonight.”
It wasn’t a question.
It was a declaration.
*~*~*
*JENNA*
A few hours later, after chowing down garlic butter lobster tails and claws with a few cheeseburgers, Uncle Frank and Winnie left to go home. The night should have ended with everyone chilling, doing our own thing until we were ready to sleep, but it didn’t.
Something else happened.
“Mom?” I stood outside her room.
She opened her door. “Yeah, sweetheart?”
“You mind if I go to Annabelle’s house for a little bit?”
She checked behind her for a second before looking back at me. “All right, but be home before ten.”
I nodded. “Got it.”
I left my house wearing the same clothes, jean shorts and a loose purple V-neck. Black sandals were another great choice; tonight our neighbors were watering their lawns and sprinkles fell on my toes. Water was medicine. It had the ability to calm me, even a few sprinkles.
My heart had broken this evening.
Shattered.
Because before Uncle Frank left, and because my window faced the front lawn, I saw something that left me feeling drained.
Hoping night would shield them from prying eyes, my uncle gave my dad an envelope. Judging from the hissy fit protest coming from Dad, I knew it had to be money. Yeah, he’d take a free pizza, a discount on a few shirts, but he’d return the favor with free auto repair work and discounted tires, and other car-related products. Getting money handouts brought reality to the spotlight, backhanding my dad’s pride… ruthlessly.
Their hissing stopped, but my heart began the process of splintering when Dad fell into his brother’s arms and began to cry.
He felt like a failure.
Just like I did.
My family needed money.
So why wasn’t I working?
Why wasn’t I contributing?
I had plenty of free time.
So why was I doing this to my family? Not making their lives easier, all because the selfishness in me desired otherwise?
My mom heard parts of their conversation and waited by our front door. After Uncle Frank and Winnie had left, she took Dad to their room and shut the door.
Hearing, seeing, experiencing my dad cry sent me down the unfamiliar path of mortification. Every part of me hurt, but it was my eyes that stung painfully, holding back tears despite the giant frog in my throat, wailing to escape. My thoughts spiraled like a tornado, swirling images of twenty-dollar bills and empty purses, and unpaid bills, and envelopes with IOU written over the top…. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I made an excuse about going to Annabelle’s house.
I needed air.
That’s it.
Annabelle was probably with James, so I went to Thompsons Park. Lying on grass and staring up at the night sky would be my medicine.
*~*~*
*JENNA*
The park was too busy for 8:00 p.m.
My plans to relax were decimated when park fun items flew over me, followed by their annoying owners, who needed to be in bed. And where were their freaking parents? It was Sunday night, and did it not occur to these “guardians” that kids needed at least eight hours of sleep?
Ridiculous.
As I burned in fury, my phone chimed with an incoming text.
Tom: Mad at me?
Jenna: Why would I be mad at you? Feeling guilty?
Tom: I do feel guilty. I left quickly yesterday. It came out of nowhere.
Jenna: It did. I’m trying to figure you out, Tom.
Tom: In a good way or bad?
Jenna: Haven’t decided yet. When you left like you did yesterday, I felt weird, like someone kicked me in the stomach. I never want to feel like that again.
Tom: What do you mean?
Jenna: I have so much on my mind right now. And my life can’t revolve around this relationship. I have too many things to worry about. Something’s got to give, or else I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I can’t worry about you potentially walking out with secrets weighing heavily on your mind while I sit in the background wondering if it’s something I did. And there’s my family’s situation, school stuff, swim team stuff, getting into university, getting a scholarship, maybe having to get a job…. I can’t do all of this.
Tom: You mean you can’t do all that and be with me?
Jenna: I don’t know.
Tom: Then don’t.
Jenna: Don’t what?
Tom: Don’t don’t.
Jenna: Speak English.
Tom: Can I see you?
Jenna: I’m not happy right now. Wouldn’t be the best company.
Tom: You’re always good company.
Jenna: I feel horrible right now.
Tom: Let me see you and I’ll make you feel better.
Jenna: I doubt you could. This pain won’t go away for a while.
Tom: I’m coming to your house right now.
Jenna: Wait, what???
Tom: Getting in my car now and I’m driving to your house.
Jenna: No, wait. Rush much? I’m not home.
Tom: Where are you then?
Jenna: Thompsons Park.
He didn’t text back.
Feeling tense, I dropped my phone in the grass. Tom driving over here was not part of the plan. I came here to relax; how could I with him trying to suck every ounce of energy from me? Part of me wanted to run and turn off my phone so he couldn’t find me. But I stayed put, enjoying a newly quiet park; or at least where I was lying had suddenly gone quiet.
Weird.
I looked up, finding kids being ushered into minivans along with their families, leaving me and a few other adults to enjoy what we came here for.
“Hey, night sky, it’s your girl Jenna here.” My eyes stung, looking at stars scattered amongst darkness that I craved to be sucked into. “Is anyone home up there? I could use some help.”
A star sparkled brighter and it was a sign, helping my body relax past the frustration and the misery, letting my subconscious know everything would be all right… eventually.
“It’ll be okay,” I whispered, reminding myself that the universe was bigger than my problems.
“And I’ll be okay,” I whispered, reminding myself that the universe, despite my conflicts, would set things into perspective again.
“And Dad, Mom, Robby, and Annabelle, they’ll be okay too,” I whispered, reminding myself that life wasn’t one door waiting to be opened. There were many and it’s up to us all to find the strength, the will, the power, and the discipline to keep going, opening doors even when we doubted ourselves the most. Because we could, and no matter how bad things got, we just needed to remind ourselves who we were.
“I’m Jenna Sabini.” I smiled, feeling a rush of relief.
Someone cleared their throat behind me. “Hey.”
Startled, I looked up and it was… “Tom?”
“Hey.” He seemed shy, hiding his hands in his jean pockets, looking down at me.
He was upside down.
“Come chill beside me,” I murmured. He lounged down next to me with no hesitation.
“What are you looking at, silly?” he asked. I could feel his breath as I faced him. His blue eyes were sad.
“Something beautiful.” I smiled timidly.
“Something beautiful,” he repeated breathily. “Then we’re both looking at the same thing.”
The feels… sigh.
“Oh, and one more thing.” I pulled Tom’s arm around my waist and looked back up at the sky, instantly lost among a sea of stars and darkness, bringing along someone I’d recently come to care about a lot. “Don’t forget about Tom, because he’ll be okay too. He’s stronger than he thinks.”
Tom hid his face in my shoulder, and because it was quiet in the park tonight, right now, I heard him breathe faster. So I pulled him in closer, hoping my warmth helped with whatever demon he dealt with privately. His arm tightened around my waist.
“Do you care about me?” I whispered.
“Of course I do.” He sighed, looking up, revealing blue eyes rimmed red with streaks of tears down his face.
My heart raced. I’d never seen a guy cry genuinely before. I caressed wetness along his jaw and made a decision. “I won’t ask why you’re sad, not if you don’t want me to.”
“I’ll explain everything.” Tom kissed my shoulder. He leaned up and brushed his lips alongside my jawline. “Just not right now. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, it’s okay,” I whispered, tightening my grip on his hand. “I guess we all have issues we’re trying to overcome.”
Tom sighed. “You have no idea.”
*~*~*
*JENNA*
Tom drove me home, parking in front of my neighbor’s house. He pulled me over the gearshift and hugged me. “Another eventful night?”
Memories from the last hour flashed before me. Lying side by side was to become a ritual when our hearts raced past saving and our minds filled with anxiety. Silence, along with simply just being there for one another, helped more than either of us could have imagined. At least, that was how I felt.
His arms tightened around me as I inhaled his fresh linen-and-grass scent, while my nose caressed his soft heated skin. My belly stirred, bubbling nervously. It felt good holding him like this. The hug would end eventually, but it would be extended.
“Yes, it has.” I kissed his neck slowly, softly brushing my lips upwards to where his lips awaited, eager and tempting. I wanted to kiss him. So I did.
When kissing turned into face groping, it was my cue to pull away. Like I said, your girl right here wasn’t about that quick acting life. I liked kissing and hugging him, but other—other stuff needed some time to get to. Hopefully he’d understand, but so far so good. Brushing my lips one last time against the corner of his mouth, I sat back in my seat.
“Ready to break up with me yet?” Tom chuckled, the corner of his lips quirking.
“Not yet.” Breathing relief out, I leaned back and stared at the steering wheel in the darkness. “Ready to break up with me?”
He scoffed, shaking his head and looking at me like the idea was crazy.
Warm feelings everywhere, my fingers entwined tightly as my stomach fluttered again. “You flatter me, Mr. Colleto.” I breathed slowly as he placed his hand on mine. Unclasping, I held his hand with both of mine.
Tom’s blue eyes softened. “I’m just telling you how I feel.”
“I like it when you tell me how you feel,” I confessed, tightening my hold, loving his hand strength. Must have been from playing baseball for so many years.
Looking nervous now, his chest rose in and out. “I want you to know something.”
It was my turn to get nervous, my heart racing. “Oh, yeah, what’s that?”
He gulped and I swore I felt something close to electricity.
“You’re what I want,” he declared and my breathing hitched.
“Well.” I gulped. “That’s….”
He chuckled awkwardly. “I know… it’s cheesy, right?”
“No!” I shook my head vehemently, worried he felt embarrassed. “It wasn’t cheesy.”
“It wasn’t?” he asked timidly.
“No, it wasn’t cheesy,” I insisted and picked up his hand, brushing my lips over his thumb. “Tom Colleto, what are you doing to me?”
“I’m just a guy, slowly falling deeper and deeper with a girl who’s been nothing short of amazing. And a little crazy too, but I like that. It makes you… you.” He chuckled a little, took a deep breath and continued. “I respect you, Jenna.”
I was stunned beyond imagination; there was no class or magazine article that could have ever prepared me for how I felt. Keeping myself from crying like a girly girl was physically hurting me.
“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” I whispered.
“And it won’t be the last either.” Tom grinned, giving me a curt nod.
I snorted. “All right, now that was cheesy.”
My boyfriend bursts out laughing. “Thought I could go two for two, but… no bueno, huh?”
“No bueno… darling.” I leaned over the gearshift and kissed his cheek. “See you tomorrow, handsome.”
“Can’t wait.” He grinned, showing me his pretty teeth.
I peeled myself out of the car and crossed the lawn. My porch lights turned on and I quickly waved Tom to hurry up and drive away before my parents noticed me home and a random car by our house. Telling my parents about Tom would happen eventually, but like I told him before, I wanted a bit more time and this whole not getting a scholarship thing to pass and for life to return to normal.
I waved bye for the millionth time as he drove down the street. Old Jenna was cringing in disgust, but new Jenna was high-fiving herself for allowing this to happen without feeling like she was changing too much.
The kitchen lights were off. So were the family room lights. It was 10:00 p.m. exactly and my parents were still in their bedroom. Maybe they were sleeping, or maybe they were still talking about what happened earlier. I wondered if Dad had told Mom about taking money from Uncle Frank? He probably did. He knew better than to keep it from her. She’d find out sooner rather than later and give him a mental whooping about not being honest.
My homework was done, so I changed into gray cotton sleep shorts with the matching shirt and crawled in my bed with my phone. Missed text messages called me, but before I could open them there was a knock on my door.
“Jenna?” Mom opened my door and ducked her head inside. “You’re home.”
“I’m home, Mom.”
“I heard someone come in; I got worried for a second.”
“I’m sorry, I thought you guys were sleeping.”
Mom came in and sat on my bed. “Your dad just fell asleep.”
“He okay?” I asked.
She gave me the mom “everything will be all right” nod. “Of course he’s okay. Why do you ask?”
Her eyes narrowed, filled with questions. I was faced with a dilemma. This was their business; it was also kind of mine, but still… I felt like if I told her what I’d seen, she and Dad would get embarrassed.
So I did what any responsible empathetic daughter would have: I pretended I saw nothing. “No reason. Can’t a girl just ask how her daddy is doing?”
“Of course she can. She can also ask about her poor neglected mommy too.”
I smiled apologetically. “Forgive me, how are you doing tonight?”
She sighed and glanced at my windows, looking like she wanted to delve deep into a topic she’d yet to discuss with me. Then that logical, mom protecting her kids at whatever cost instinct took over. She faced me and smiled like nothing was wrong. “I’m your mom, I’m a beast. As long as my kids are healthy and happy, I’m okay.”
“Hey, what about Dad?”
“What about him?” She got off my bed and headed out. “As long as he doesn’t gas up my bedroom in the early morning, I’m A-OK. Life is good.”
Laughter banished the awkwardness. My room felt warm and cozy despite the air conditioner, all thanks to the reassurance of my mother.
All hail Queen Sabini!
I exhaled deeply and suppressed further laughter, glancing at my mom standing in my doorframe. “Love you, Momma.”
“Love you, swim star.” Mom smiled. “Night.”
“Night.”