CHAPTER 12
LOVE IS YOUR SECRET WEAPON
DOING THE RIGHT THING IS THE ULTIMATE ACT OF LOVE FOR SELF AND OTHERS
Love your neighbor as yourself.
JESUS, MARK 12:31
Focusing on getting and keeping your brain healthy is the most loving choice you can make for yourself and others. I try to do the right things for myself not because I should . . . yuck . . . but because I love myself, and I love my wife, children, grandchildren, parents, and siblings, and the mission of our work at Amen Clinics. In order for me to have the energy, mental clarity, and good decision-making ability to be an excellent husband, father, grandfather, physician, and leader of our business, I need to have a brain and body that work at their peak. If I ignored my health, as so many Americans do, then I would make poorer decisions, act in less helpful ways, and increase the risk of being a burden to my family rather than being the leader of my family. I see pursuing good health as the ultimate act of love.
One of my very close friends was obese when I nudged him to get healthy. He told me he didn’t care if he lived a long time because he knew he was going to heaven when he died. When his wife heard what he said, she became furious and told him, “Because of the bad health decisions you make every day, you are much more likely to die early and abandon me, leaving me lonely, afraid, and unprotected. That’s not love. That’s selfish. It feels like you hate me.” He got the message and got healthy over the next year. He did it out of love.
In order to feel better fast and make it last, it is critical to develop consistent habits and rituals over a long period of time that help build resilience. That way, when crises come, as they do for all of us, you are considerably better able to deal with them because you have the mental horsepower you need. Yes, getting healthy takes some work, as any love relationship does, but it is worth it.
When you really understand that getting healthy is about love, you stop saying things about getting healthy being hard, expensive, or boring, or about not wanting to deprive yourself. As I have seen many times throughout my career with my patients, being sick is hard, expensive, and boring, and you definitely deprive yourself of what you really want most, which is your health, energy, focus, happiness, and mental clarity. Ask anyone who’s had a serious illness —your health is your greatest asset and your greatest desire when it is gone. I love my four children, but honestly, I never want to have to live with them. I never want to be a burden to them, and I don’t want them telling me what to eat or what to wear, or trying to take my driver’s license away from me. If you love your independence, you must start taking care of your brain and body.
When you model a brain-healthy life, others in your life, such as your spouse, children, and coworkers, are likely to follow. Children do what you do, not what you tell them to do. If you ignore your health, eat low-quality food, smoke, drink alcohol when stressed, or take medicines for chronic illnesses, such as diabetes or hypertension, without changing your lifestyle, they are likely to follow your example. Ask yourself, Am I modeling health or illness? In the United States we value our freedom. We don’t want anyone telling us what to do or how to live. I don’t either, but ultimately, our behavior is not just about us; it is about generations of us.
A new field of genetics, called epigenetics, has exploded onto the scientific scene over the past 20 years. Epigenetic means “above or on top of the gene.” It refers to the recent discovery that your habits, emotions, and environment can turn on or off certain genes, making illness more or less likely in you as well as in your children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Your habits, emotions, and environment have such a strong impact on your biology that they alter the genes you pass on to future generations. It is these epigenetic “marks” that tell your genes to switch on or off or to manifest more strongly or weakly.
Diet, stress, toxins, prenatal nutrition, and other environmental factors, via epigenetics, can alter the activity of genes that you pass on to your children and your children’s children. If a mom or dad eats poorly, even before they conceive, their child has an increased risk of cancer, heart disease, mental health issues, and addiction.[360] Studies have shown that boys who started smoking cigarettes before age 11 increased the risk of obesity in their children.[361] A dumb decision early in life can impact generations to come —and not just related to obesity. Some researchers believe that epigenetics holds the key to understanding certain cancers, heart disease, diabetes, schizophrenia, addictions, autism, and forms of dementia.
To stress how important epigenetics is, think of it this way: A baby girl is born with all of the eggs she will ever have. Her diet, habits, stresses, and environment turn on or turn off certain genes that make illness more or less likely in her, but also in her babies and grandbabies. Helping her do the right things is not just about her; it is about generations of her. This is a sobering message but one that must be addressed now, given that all of us are in a war for the health of our brains and bodies.
WHAT DO YOU LOVE THAT HOLDS YOU BACK?
I am often amazed at what people say they love. I hear people say they “love” bread, wine, sodas, fries, donuts, or sugar and cannot imagine their lives without them. They seem to put these substances in the same category as their spouses, children, and family members.
In 2010, Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life and senior pastor of Saddleback Church —one of the country’s largest congregations —recruited Dr. Mark Hyman and me to develop a health program for churches. Called the Daniel Plan (no, not after me —after the Old Testament prophet Daniel), the program has been adopted by thousands of churches with great success. During its first week 15,000 people signed up, and over the first year they collectively lost 250,000 pounds (the weight of a space shuttle). They reported improvements in energy, focus, creativity, sleep, and mood, and reductions in stress, blood pressure, blood sugar, sexual dysfunction (always fun to talk about at church), and the use of medication. As in any change program, there was a fair amount of pushback from the church staff when we first started.
In one instance, a staff member came to my office for a consultation. We were both drinking tea while talking about her health background when she said something very strange: She asked me to put my tea down. I thought it was an odd request, but I politely did as she asked.
“I didn’t want you to spit it at me,” she said.
“Excuse me,” I replied, feeling very curious, “I’ve never spit tea at anyone.”
“Last night, after you spoke at church,” she said, “I told my husband that I would rather get Alzheimer’s disease than give up sugar . . . I didn’t want you to spit the tea at me when you heard what I said.”
I paused, smiled, and then asked, “Did you date the bad boys in high school?”
“No,” she replied.
“Well, you are in love with something that hurts you. You are in a bad relationship with sugar. It beats you up, and you come back for more because you love it. Sugar increases erratic brain-cell firing, it is pro-inflammatory, it changes your brain so it needs sugar in order to feel normal, and it is addictive, just like a bad relationship. It has actually been found in animal studies to be more addictive than cocaine.”
Eventually this staff member fell in love with herself, broke up with sugar, and helped her whole family get healthy. What things do you love that might be holding you back and keeping you from genuinely loving yourself?
SIX TYPES OF LOVE
Getting well starts with self-love. You do the right thing, not for momentary pleasure —that is a four-year-old’s mind-set —but because it helps you feel good, increases your energy, and helps you stay on the path toward your goals in life.
C. S. Lewis, the British theologian and novelist who wrote The Chronicles of Narnia and The Screwtape Letters, among many other books, also wrote The Four Loves. Two types of love he described are “need-love” and “gift-love.”[362] A baby needs love from her mother so she can be fed; and the mother gifts love to nurture and feed her child. Doing the right things for your brain’s health is “need-love,” for without it you will never be your best. But doing the right things for your brain health is also “gift-love,” as you are giving to others by modeling good health for them.
The Greek language has four words for love:
- Storge (pronounced with a hard g sound) —affectionate love between family members, such as a mother for her child, or a child for his father
- Phileo —friendship, brotherly love (Philadelphia means “the city of brotherly love”)
- Eros —passionate love
- Agape —selfless love, gift-love, the highest form of love
In the Greek New Testament, agapeseis (the verb form of agape) was the word used to translate what Jesus said when He exhorted His followers to love their neighbors as themselves. When we do this, we emulate God Himself, because Scripture says that He is love (1 John 4:8). We can love others “because he loved us first” (1 John 4:19, NLT). Allowing that love to guide our choices brings meaning into our lives.
Getting and staying healthy is good for you (self-love), good for your family (storge), good for your friends and coworkers (phileo), and good for our society at large (agape). Plus, when you really understand getting healthy, you realize it is also great for your blood vessels and sex life (eros). Erectile dysfunction is often a result of an unhealthy lifestyle, which can be improved by taking care of your brain and body. Making choices based on all these facets of love is good for other people and good for us.
Ray and Nancy: Improving Brain Health as a Couple
Ray played linebacker for the San Diego Chargers in the early 1970s, and he came to see us as part of our NFL study in 2010. Part of Ray’s motivation for participating in the study was that his wife, Nancy, had been recently diagnosed with frontal temporal lobe dementia, and he wanted me to evaluate her. He was upset at the physician who diagnosed Nancy. The physician told Ray that he should find a “care” home for her because within a year she would not know his name, and he would be unable to care for her.
Ray’s brain scan showed evidence of brain trauma, as did those of almost all of our retired players, plus he was overweight. Nancy’s scan was a disaster. She had severe decreased activity in the front part of her brain, consistent with the diagnosis of frontal temporal lobe dementia. Sitting down to review their scans was very emotional for Ray and Nancy —and for me, too. From our clinical experience, we knew we could help Ray. But there is still no known effective treatment for frontal temporal lobe dementia.
I told Ray, “We have no proven treatment for Nancy. But if she were my wife, and I love my wife (this sort of makes a difference on what you are willing to do —only being brutally honest here), I would do all of the things I could for her.” Our strategy with cases like Nancy’s is to do everything possible to try to slow or reverse the dementia process. And while it does not work for everyone, it can help some. The treatment plan involved attacking all of the risk factors discussed in chapter 2 (see pages 33–37). We had her stop drinking alcohol; completely changed her diet; increased exercise and new learning (she took surfing and singing lessons); put her on a multivitamin/mineral, fish oil, and other brain-boosting supplements; and gave her hyperbaric oxygen and neurofeedback, which will be discussed in appendix A (page 289).
Ten weeks later I saw them back for their first follow-up visit. Ray had made sure that Nancy completely followed the plan, and her follow-up scan showed dramatic improvement. In addition to her improved scan, her memory and cognitive function were better. Ray joked that we had to slow down, because soon enough she would be smarter than he was. In addition, Ray had lost 30 pounds! Impressed, I asked him how he did it. He said his motivation was helping his wife get well. If he did everything I suggested, she would too. He would model a brain-healthy life, and they would get healthier as a couple. Sometimes motivation is about love. Ray loved Nancy.
NANCY: FRONTAL TEMPORAL LOBE DEMENTIA BEFORE AND AFTER
Before
After 10 weeks
Are you modeling health or illness for those you love? It matters.
When we do the right things for ourselves, we set up the people we love for success.
When we don’t do the right things for ourselves, we set up the people we love for failure.
Yes, doing the right things for your health will irritate some of the people you love. In fact, based on a lot of personal experience, I think you’ll find your friends and family may actively try to sabotage you. If they are not healthy, they will resent you for getting well. But over time, if you stay the course, they will eventually want what you have, and you will have the opportunity to create a revolution in your circle of family and friends.
Elly: Handing Down Brain Health
Elly came to see us from St. Petersburg, Russia. Before she started doing our program at home, Elly was obese, anxious, depressed, isolated, and in chronic back pain. Her mother had had dementia, which had been extremely hard on everyone in her family, and Elly was worried about developing it herself. After reading my book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, she started incorporating one simple brain health strategy at a time. First she started taking brain-healthy supplements, which included a multivitamin/mineral, omega-3s, and extra vitamin D because her level tested low. Afterward, she noticed her energy was significantly better. Then she started drinking more water, which made a positive difference in her focus. As Elly began to feel better, she started exercising. She began walking and taking dancing lessons, which boosted her mood and decreased her isolation. Next, she took a big leap and changed her diet to the one discussed in chapter 9 (see page 203). Then she started taking Italian classes and learned to play the piano.
Over the next year, Elly lost 70 pounds. She told us she feels better than she has in decades and is pain-free. Elly then taught her children and grandchildren how to care for their brains. By teaching them about brain health, she was creating her own support group (both need-love and gift-love), making it more likely she’d stay on the program forever. Elly told me, “The best thing I can do for my children is keep my brain healthy for as long as I can and not be a burden to them.”
Elly is the reason why we do what we do. I met Elly when she came to our California clinic to get scanned as a 90th birthday present to herself. Unlike scans of most 90-year-old brains, Elly’s scan looked like that of someone in her sixties! Her brain was strong and healthy. When she saw her scan, she cried tears of joy. She said it would have looked much worse just a year earlier. By using these simple strategies, Elly changed the trajectory of the rest of her life, and her family’s lives too. Elly loved herself and others and gave them one of the greatest gifts ever. Plus, she was thrilled she would not be a burden on her family (more agape gift-love).
GET OUTSIDE YOURSELF TO FEEL BETTER FAST
When Jesus told us to love each other as ourselves, He was giving us good health advice. Research suggests that whenever you feel down, anxious, or angry, it is best to get outside yourself to change your state of mind. In a new study, people who wrote about gratitude activated a part of their brains involved in happiness and altruism.[363] If you want to feel better fast, go to the aid of someone who needs help. According to a New York Times story, in the 1970s, former First Lady Barbara Bush became so depressed that she sometimes stopped her car on the side of the road for fear that she might deliberately crash the vehicle into a tree or an oncoming car. Mrs. Bush did not seek psychiatric help or medication for her depression, which she blamed on the hormonal changes of menopause and the stress of her husband’s job as CIA director. Instead, she said she treated her depression by immersing herself in volunteer work and getting outside herself to help others.[364]
Being loving to strangers (agape) —or even to people you know (storge or phileo) —has the added benefit of making you feel happier, according to two studies. In one study, 86 participants were first asked about their life satisfaction and then divided into three groups. The first group was told to do an act of kindness every day for 10 days; the second group was told to do something new every day for 10 days; and the third group was given no instruction. When the 10 days had passed, the groups were retested on life satisfaction. Levels of happiness increased significantly and nearly equally among participants in the groups that had performed acts of kindness or novel activities, while happiness didn’t change at all in the group that did neither.[365] Doing something for others for 10 days, especially if you vary the good deeds, is an effective way to make yourself feel better, the study suggests.
In another study, participants were divided into two groups and asked to recall either the last time they spent either $20 or $100 on themselves or the last time they had spent the same amount on someone else. After completing a scale measuring their levels of happiness, all of the participants were provided with a small sum of money and given the option of spending the money on themselves or on another person. The researchers found that study subjects were happier when they were asked to recall a time when they had purchased something for someone else, no matter the price of the gift. What’s more, the happier they felt about being generous in the past, the greater the likelihood that they would spend money on someone besides themselves.[366] To feel better fast, it is better to give than to receive.
Turn toward Others
If you want to live a long life, focus on making contributions.
HANS SELYE
Research shows the happiest people are outward facing, focusing more on the people they serve than on themselves.[367] Even though the prayer attributed to St. Francis of Assisi was likely never written by him, it provides a research-based guide to happiness. When you feel stressed, consider repeating it or any other similar prayer or meditation, such as the Loving-Kindness Meditation (see chapter 1, pages 20–21).
PEACE PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
As you conclude this book, may you find the courage to love yourself and others enough to make changes in your life, one strategy at a time. Your movement toward brain health will help you feel better fast and will leave a lasting legacy for those around you.
TINY HABITS THAT CAN HELP YOU FEEL BETTER FAST—AND LEAD TO BIG CHANGES
Each of these habits takes just a few minutes. They are anchored to something you do (or think or feel) so that they are more likely to become automatic. Once you do the behaviors you want, find a way to make yourself feel good about them—draw a happy face, pump your fist, or do whatever feels natural. Emotion helps the brain to remember.
- When I approach any meal, I will ask myself if I am getting the nutrients I need to serve my health rather than steal from my health (need-love).
- When I bring food to work, school, or an event, I will ask myself if it serves the health of those who will eat it, or if it steals from their health (gift-love).
- When I shower in the morning, I will ask myself if I am doing what I can to be a healthy role model for my family (storge love).
- Whenever I am around my friends, I will ask myself if I am modeling behavior that helps their health or makes it worse (phileo love).
- When I hold my spouse’s hand, I will gently squeeze it and remember that if our habits are healthy, our love life will be better and last longer throughout our lives (eros love).
- When I watch the news, I will be on the lookout for ways to make a meaningful contribution to the health of my community (agape love).
SEVEN FEEL BETTER FAST BRAIN-XL SUMMARY QUESTIONS
- Brain —Is the decision I’m about to make good for my brain or bad for it?
- Rational Mind —Am I allowing untrue, negative thoughts to infect my brain and impact my happiness?
- Attachments —Does my behavior today enhance or hurt my relationships?
- Inspiration —Does this feeling or action have eternal value?
- Nourishment —Do I eat and love mostly foods that love me back?
- X Factor —If I looked at my brain, would it be healthy or not? If not, what am I going to do about it?
- Love —Do I truly love myself so I can love others?
SEVEN FEEL BETTER FAST BRAIN-XL INTERVENTIONS
- Brain —Know the BRIGHT MINDS risk factors and attack the ones that apply to you.
- Rational Mind —Stop believing every stupid thought you have.
- Attachments —Do something great today for someone you love.
- Inspiration —Live in the center of your purpose today by doing something meaningful.
- Nourishment —Start taking a multivitamin/mineral and omega-3 fatty acids, and know and optimize your vitamin D level. Aim to have eight servings of fruits and vegetables a day.
- X Factor —If you are still struggling, look at your brain.
- Love —Model a brain-healthy life for yourself and others.