room for the doctor to tell me everything I've been doing has helped my baby is the longest wait of my life. Typically, Storm is right beside me, holding my hand. Today, he's sitting on the other side of the room, pretty much as far away from me as he can get.
Even though I try to catch his eye, Storm avoids looking at me. He's been acting more and more distant the past few days, and I'm not entirely sure why. I can guess why, but I hate thinking I'm right. It's been bothering me and making me feel uneasy. I take a deep breath and try to focus on the present moment.
There is a knock on the door, and in comes the doctor.
"Alright, let's listen to your baby and do a quick exam. Your blood work from last time is good, and your hormones are strong. I'd like to take another blood sample and compare the two, then send you for an ultrasound as well. We will go from there," she says, smiling.
Nodding my head, I’m silently thanking the heavens that everything seems to be okay so far. The doctor carefully places the cold gel on my swollen belly and begins to move the wand around. I can hear the whooshing sound of my baby's heartbeat, and tears gather in my eyes. Storm reaches over and takes my hand, squeezing it tightly.
"It sounds good," the doctor says, smiling. "He has a nice strong heartbeat, and everything looks great. Let's get you to Ultrasound, and then we will meet back here and chat, okay?" she says, wiping gel from my belly.
We follow a nurse down to the ultrasound room. It is dimly lit and has a relaxing vibe. I lay on the exam table while the nurse applies more cold gel to my belly. Storm sits quietly in the chair beside me, fidgeting with his hands.
The image screen flickers to life, revealing the black and white image of my baby. Tears prick my eyes as I stare at the tiny human growing inside of me.
"Let's take some measurements," she says, moving the wand around to get a better view.
Storm stands beside me, and I can feel the tension radiating off of him. When I squeeze his hand in an attempt to comfort him, he doesn't seem to respond. My heart aches to see him like this, but I know I can't force him to talk to me if he doesn't want to.
The nurse finishes the ultrasound, and we make our way back to the exam room to wait for the doctor. I catch Storm's eye this time, but he quickly looks away. My mind races with worries and doubts.
When the doctor walks in, she is all smiles.
"Your baby looks healthy and happy. He's growing and right on track. I say you can get off bed rest but no long walks, hiking, carrying every item, or strenuous exercises. If you feel tired, nap. If your feet start to swell, you need to put them up. Take it easy, and I want to see you again next week, okay?"
Relief floods over me at the good news.
No sooner are we in the truck when Storm's phone rings.
"Hey, Jack." He answers, all friendly, but after a moment, his whole demeanor changes before he turns to me.
"Do you know a Brett Gibbons?" Storm asks.
"Yeah, Jason served with him. They were friends. Why?" I ask.
"He's at Jack's shop asking for you." Storm answers, his voice tight and controlled.
Jack's shop is still my forwarding address, so it makes sense he'd show up there if he was trying to find me. The question is, why is he looking for me?
"Let's go see what he wants. He didn't come all this way for nothing," I say.
Storm doesn't look too happy, but he nods.
"Tell him to hang tight. We will be there in less than twenty minutes," Storm says.
"It doesn't take twenty minutes to get there," I say when Storm hangs up.
"No, but you haven't eaten, so I'm stopping at the cafe to grab you a sandwich," he says as my stomach rumbles, proving his point.
As we pull up to Jack's shop, my heart races with nerves and curiosity. What could Brett Gibbons possibly want from me? When I step out of the truck, Storm takes my hand, leading me towards the shop.
Walking inside, I immediately recognize the man standing by the counter. Brett Gibbons looks just as I remember him: tall and muscular with short, blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that seem to light up when he sees me.
"River. You look good!" When he steps up to hug me, I can feel the tension rolling off Storm.
"I am so sorry about Jason. I was injured in the same incident and was laid up in the hospital, or else I'd have been at the funeral," he says, suddenly sober.
"I know you would have. So would the rest of the unit." I squeeze his hand for reassurance. Yes, I lost my husband, but he also lost a friend and a brother-in-arms.
"Listen, I'm sorry I couldn't get out here before. Like I said, I was injured, and I wasn't cleared to fly, and this felt like something I should do in person. Jason knew we were going into a dangerous situation. We all did. So, we wrote letters home and gave them to each other in the event..." he clears his throat. His meaning is clear in case the worst happens.
"Jason wrote this for you." He pulls an envelope out of his pocket.
My heart beats quickly when Brett hands me the envelope. My hand shakes as I take it from him, but I don't have the strength to read it right now.
We catch up for a while, before he needs to head out to get back and catch his plane home. His wife is also pregnant, but wasn't able to travel with him. It goes without saying that he doesn't want to be away from her any longer than he needs to be. He sounds just like Jason.
"Do you want to read that here, or do you want to go home?" Jason asks once Brett leaves, and the shop is quiet.
"Home," I whisper as my mind starts racing.
I am holding the last thing Jason touched. His last thoughts and words to me and I can't bring myself to open it.
Storm leads me out of the shop and helps me into the truck. The silence is palpable as we drive home, each lost in our own thoughts. When we arrive at the cabin, I go straight to my bedroom. Closing the door behind me, I sit on the bed with Shadow beside me, clutching the envelope with trembling hands.
Shadow seems to know what is going on and keeps his head in my lap, offering me comfort as I try to find the strength to open the letter. I'm equal parts excited to see what Jason has to say and at the same time, terrified of what I will read.
Finally, I take a deep breath and begin to open the letter slowly, savoring the weight of it in my trembling hands. I can feel the tears threatening to spill from my eyes as I read his familiar handwriting. Reading his words, the memories come flooding back to me. Memories of our life together and all the love we shared.
River,
If you are reading this, I am so, so sorry, my love.
I knew going on this was a dangerous mission, and I did everything I could to fight my way back to you, but it looks like fate has other plans for us.
Take comfort in knowing that I died doing what I loved, serving my country. But my true love will always be you, River.
Just like I promised, I did everything I could to set you up to be taken care of. From the life insurance from the military, to the extra life insurance policy I took out. They are all yours. Use them for your future and our child's future.
I keep thinking of everything I want to say to you. Things like how much I love you, how happy you make me, and how I don't regret a single second of our lives together.
Then I think of how you have to move on without me, and I want you to be happy. Just know Storm is going to be there for you and our child. He isn't doing it out of duty. He truly cares about you, and he will protect you and our child at all costs. Don't pass that up. You will need a support system.
I want you to fall in love, the kind of love that makes you cry at the end of the movie. What we had was a different kind of love. You are my soul mate, but I'm not sure I'm your only soul mate.
There was always this spark between you and Storm that neither of you seemed to notice. Don't dismiss it. I needed the military to get away from my parents, to support you, and find where I belong. I know that I was meant to protect and provide for you as long as I was alive, and this is how I was able to do it.
Storm never needed the military like I did. He is strong, and he knows who he is. He's stable and steadfast. In Montana, he's set up a good life, and if he's the one you fall in love with, I couldn't think of a better man to raise my child.
Don't mourn me too long. I want you to smile and be happy again when the baby is born. I don't want there to be a dark cloud over that moment. But know I will be there with you, cheering you on and supporting you the whole way.
Let our child know I loved them with my whole heart and will be watching over them every day, and I will be there at every event in their lives.
Going forward, I want you to know you were the one thing I chose for myself. My parents planned every little aspect of my life, but you were mine. Over and over again, I'd make the same choice. I don't regret one moment of our time together, and looking back, I should have let you paint our bedroom pink.
Inside this envelope is a letter to Storm and also one for my parents should you need it.
I love you with all my heart and soul.
Your husband,
Jason
When I'm done with the letter, I let go and wail. I cry out my pain, my loss, and our baby’s loss. The pain is so bad my heart hurts. This is what I expected to feel at the funeral and the days following.
But I didn't anticipate feeling it now, in my own bedroom, with only Shadow to bear witness to my grief. I clutch the letter to my chest and let the sobs wrack my body. I can feel Shadow trying to comfort me, licking away my tears and pressing his body close to mine.
I don't hear my door open or Storm entering. Even as I cry, Storm is lying behind me on the bed and holding me tight. He doesn't speak, he just holds me. Even when he's trying to pull away from me, he's there when I need him, and I know he always will be.
That's when I know I can't stay here, not even until the baby is born.