My name is on the cover of this book, but the writing, revision, and publishing of it were done by many loved ones and communities.
Thank you, Mom, for doing the most radical thing I could ask: sharing your stories. The fact that you read and understood this book first means more than anything that comes after.
Thank you, Dad, for teaching me to write, side by side at the keyboard, and to read, next to me at bedtime.
Thank you, Robin, for demonstrating how to come forward as an artist.
My grandparents’ spirits shaped this books, especially Dolores Wong, who instilled in me her love of books and libraries, and Jin Hong Lee, whose life set forth a riddle to solve with mine—thank you for the inheritances.
Megha Majumdar, thank you for loving this novel and bringing your energetic eye to every sentence and plotline. Thank you to the Catapult team for carrying this process with care.
Thank you, Julia Masnik, at Watkins/Loomis. I couldn’t have asked for a kinder and wiser guide through the labyrinth of publishing.
Rutgers-Newark MFA: Melissa Hartland, Akhil Sharma, Jim Goodman, John Keene, for asking me to think about the praxis of a book; Jayne Anne Phillips, for making me consider every prepositional phrase, Cathy Park Hong, for reading and understanding all the narrator’s minor feelings; and my advisor, Alice Elliott Dark, for the immeasurable gifts of always knowing what I was trying to do, and for recommending the exact right books—thank you all. To Sydney Choi for the Chinese-Korean bonding, to Brian Loo for the excellent edits, to Emily Luan for talking food and melancholia, Simeon Marsalis for the long walks and antics, to Như Xuân Nguyễn for the K-pop and sangha, and Lauren Kimiko Parrott for the magical realism.
Thank you, VONA, Virginia Center for Creative Arts, and Summer Programs at Provincetown FAWC for the time, space, and teachers. Thank you, Alexander Chee, for modeling the writing life with grace, Naomi Jackson, for sending fire to my writing hand, and David Mura, for sitting me down to explain how a story works. Thank you, Bushra Rehman, for guiding us through Two Truths and a Lie.
To the hot pot group: Rob Rusli, Wo Chan, Lara Lorenzo, and Er(ic) Linsker, thank you for community, warmth, and nourishment. To Loma for the tea and boxing. To the Asheville retreat for reading and cheering on an early draft: Nana Duffuor, Kyle Halle-Erby, Harper B. Keenan, Emma Rae Lierly, Han Yu; Sophia Davis and Sowj Kudva, for building and teaching me chosen family.
Thanks to the Asian American arts community, which showed me I’d have readers before I knew I was a writer. Kundiman, for the radically open space, and especially Cathy Linh Che for holding our community with a brilliant heart and mind. To the Asian American Writers’ Workshop, especially Jyothi Natarajan and Nadia Q. Ahmad. To Herb Tam and Lu Zhang, Nancy Bulalacao and Ken Leung, Carolyn Antonio, thank you for being my older siblings in this world, and shout-out to Dash and Ava. Thank you, Tomie Arai, for recording and sharing our stories through your art. Thank you, A/P/A Institute at NYU, Amita Manghnani, Laura Chen-Schultz, Ruby Gomez, and Jack Tchen, for the part-time office and library card where I started research on this book.
To the organizers who worked on behalf of Akai Gurley and his family, Cathy Dang, Ruben An, Meejin Seol Richart, Shaun Lin, Aunt T—thank you for teaching me compassion in action.
Susie An, thank you for keeping it real these past twenty years.
To the Zen ancestors, my practice and life are my thanks. To my fellow residents at Ancestral Heart Zen Temple, who held the container that allowed these last drafts to grow: Wesley Simmons Antell, Emme Blong, Carmine Branagan, Ian Case, Julia DeWitt, Camille Goodison, Phoenix Lotus, Kikuko Morimoto, Don Rider, and Inzan Monica Rose Smith. Gratitude beyond words to our teachers: Laura O’Loughlin, whose guidance is as gentle and illuminating as the forest moon, and Kosen Gregory Snyder, who taps the ancient well and shares from it freely.
And finally, thank you, Kaishin Victory Matsui, my best friend. You held my heart with your ocean heart, you heard my voice before I did, you gave me a second chance to be just a kid. I love you forever.