You will have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.
—Zig Ziglar
Kyle Durand had accomplished a lot during his twenty years in the navy, his career as a postdoctorate tax attorney, and through his hobby of extreme sports. He had been deployed four times to the Middle East and had experienced two wars, had helped businesspeople untangle all kinds of legal messes, and had run a double marathon in South Africa for fun.
But he couldn’t figure out how to bring his software idea to life.
As an attorney, he would draft legal agreements and e-mail them to his clients for review and signing. Often they would be agreements his clients would share with their clients, who would inevitably have edits and changes to the contract.
Very quickly, a simple agreement would turn into multiple e-mails back and forth, with redlines and text edits in the contract document. Once finalized, the document would have to be printed, signed, scanned, then sent back. The original client would print that document out, sign it, scan it, and finally return a copy to all parties.
Kyle wanted to build software that contained templates of legally sound contracts that creative professionals could use to do things like set up joint-venture agreements, audio-visual recording releases, bills of sale, and promissory notes. He envisioned a website where it would be possible to send, review, and digitally sign contracts with no fuss or headache.
The problem was that he had never created a software product and had no idea where to start.
When Kyle came to me with this problem, I suggested that he attend the Business of Software, a technology conference in Boston that brought together the best, most experienced and successful software startup founders in one place.
At the conference, Kyle learned the best practices for developing products, which tools to use to do the development, and mistakes to avoid.
After the conference, he read a pile of books and blog posts about software development.
With a better idea of what he wanted to build, Kyle now needed help building it.
He attended the first Lift Off Retreat that I ran with my partner, Charlie Gilkey. Lift Off was a three-day business-design retreat where we brought together thirteen entrepreneurs from all over the country to Saguaro Lake Ranch, in Mesa, Arizona.
When Kyle shared his idea with others in the group, he found that there was a small subset of retreat participants who had the exact skill sets he needed to build the first prototype of his product.
A couple of weeks later, Kyle decided to fly a small team of retreat participants—expert researcher Crystal Williams, graphic designer Rhiannon Llewellyn, videographer Karen Yaeger, and technology consultant Willie Jackson—to a rented house in the San Juan Islands near his home in Seattle. They bunkered down for five days and brainstormed and researched ideas on the spot. Rhiannon created wireframes as they sketched out the design, Crystal completed detailed research on various ideas, and Willie communicated with outside technology experts as they discussed different tools and programs.
By the end of the weekend, this small team had a basic business model, ideas about which technology to use, and wireframes to build on.
After the San Juan Islands retreat, Kyle and Willie interviewed a variety of software developers and other Lift Off participants, one of which knew a team of great developers in Buenos Aires.
Kyle and Willie decided to hire the Argentine team of developers, who quickly built the beta version of his software ourdeal.com, which now provides a quick and easy way for clients to review, edit, and digitally sign legal contracts.
Before this experience, Kyle was used to figuring things out on his own. He felt uncomfortable asking for help at first, but soon learned that identifying a strong peer network of friends and collaborators was a great way to reduce risk, develop ideas, and grow business. The original team is still friends and refers clients back and forth to one another.
Kyle did invest some money in bringing the team together to flesh out the original project, but it was much less than he would have paid to hire someone else to do the work, or worse, to just guess his way through building the software himself and make costly mistakes.
Because he went through the entire process, it was easy to later spin off new software projects, like taxreceipts.com, which helps entrepreneurs easily navigate tax code so that they know what kind of expenses are valid business write-offs, and partnerright.com, which provides expert guidance on setting up joint ventures and partnerships.
Kyle learned that identifying and building strong collaborative partnerships with peers, experts, and mentors is a critical part of the formula for business success, especially when you are setting out to expand a specific aspect of your body of work.
Collaborating effectively is a key skill in the new world of work, no matter which work mode you choose.
Harvard researcher Erica Dhawan agrees that collaboration and peer networks are an essential part of the new world of work. She takes the discussion a step further and says that there is a new type of intelligence, as important as intellectual quotient (IQ) and emotional quotient (EQ), which she calls connectional intelligence.
“Connectional intelligence (CxQ) is the ability to build and realize value from networks of relationships, to harness units of knowledge and reuse them to innovate, to convene communities, [and] to marshal a variety of resources for breakthrough results. In the past decade, we’ve seen an exponential rise of CxQ as seen through millennials curating TEDx events via webcasts that reach millions; starting social businesses blending profit and purpose, like TOMS Shoes and Warby Parker; or using social sharing and crowd-funding tools, such as Kickstarter, to reach new audiences.”
Erica and her collaborator, Saj-nicole Joni, chief executive of Cambridge International Group, consult with Fortune 500 companies to develop cross-generational dialogue and empower all employees to share their natural connectional intelligence to improve innovation in organizations. Their thirty-year age difference provides perspective and depth to the work they do as a team.
Saj-nicole says, “This generation is uniquely equipped to lead to breakthrough innovation in a way that has never before been possible, because it is the first to have grown up in a world of ubiquitous connection. For millennials, engagement with all social media is not only about entertainment or news. It is embedded in daily life. Digital connection is the air they breathe. They do everything in it, from deeply sharing their lives with friends and family (who may live in different cities or countries) to shopping and paying bills, communicating at work. . . .
“The missing link is this: In our new world of an embedded digital infrastructure that connects all of our lives, the power of connectional intelligence holds exponential, and previously untapped, potential for breakthroughs in ways we can barely begin to imagine.”
Erica and Saj-nicole believe that contextual capacity—the ability to bring together different kinds of people and ideas to foster the recombination of different ideas, and to see things from a different perspective—is a key part of connectional intelligence and a key skill for both individuals and institutions to develop if they want to remain competitive.
In Erica’s research at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government and in studies for their book, Erica and Saj-nicole are creating and encouraging “sparring zones”—places where people of very different backgrounds can discuss and debate ideas, in an open and healthy way.
By mobilizing networks to share ideas, they can create great things and solve big problems.
Erica says, “Globalization of business, economic, and political instability and global hyper-connectivity is forcing us to approach innovation and problem solving differently. Connectional intelligence is becoming a key differentiator in organizations who want to remain competitive.”
I agree wholeheartedly with Erica and Saj-nicole.
For some people, this connectional intelligence comes naturally. For others, it is a skill to be learned.
The best way to learn about it is to understand avatars, ecosystems, and watering holes.
Avatars, ecosystems, and watering holes
Connecting is so much easier when you know the specific characteristics of ideal collaborators and where they spend their time. I define ideal collaborators as avatars, the broad networks where they hang out as ecosystems, and the specific locations where large numbers of avatars hang out as watering holes.
Depending on your work mode and business objective, you may be looking to connect with peers, mentors, clients, or customers.
Many people spread themselves too thin by spending hours trying to cultivate connections on social media or by attending multiple workshops and conferences, hoping that the right peers, mentors, and clients will magically appear. When you do the work to focus and clarify your ideal collaborators, you get much better results with less effort.
Ideal connection avatar
When you can describe the specific characteristics of people you want to collaborate with, it makes it much easier to find them. It will also make it easier to screen out people who are not the right fit.
Individual collaborators can be defined with some demographic information:
Institutional collaborators can be defined by things such as:
Alan Cooper originated the concept of Buyer Personas in his 1999 book, The Inmates Are Running the Asylum. In recent years, the more common term is “ideal client avatars.” I am certain that Apple has my picture hanging on the white board of their marketing department. Under “Ideal Customer Avatar,” they would have:
With this kind of specific description, there are all kinds of ways and places Apple could (and does) market to me. I am embarrassed to say it works: I have an iPhone, iPad, iMac, and MacBook Air.
Similarly to discovering your ideal client avatars, once you have clear descriptions of your ideal collaboration avatars, you are ready to define the ecosystem in which they live.
Ecosystems
No individual or company stands alone in its market. There are a whole group of other companies that market to the same people.
When I was teaching a marketing class about ecosystems and watering holes, I took to Twitter to ask who my followers thought would be in the Whole Foods Market ecosystem. I got back the following answers.
When I shared these findings on Twitter, I got this reply from my Canadian friend Lianne Raymond:
“I love Whole Foods mushroom blue cheese pizza (she types into her Apple computer before driving her VW to yoga in her lululemon slit crop boogie pants).”
Without having any prior awareness, Lianne realized that she was smack in the middle of a brand ecosystem.
Watering holes
When you have a sense of your ideal connections and the overall ecosystem in which they participate, you can start to look for watering holes. These are places, online and in person, where large concentrations of your ideal connections hang out.
They include:
The South by Southwest Interactive Festival in Austin, Texas, is a watering hole for social media–active, technology-loving innovators. You can meet thousands of customers, peer collaborators, mentors, watering-hole gatekeepers, journalists, and corporate sponsors.
When I was standing in line for hours to register for the event in 2012, I struck up a conversation with a Wall Street Journal reporter from the San Francisco bureau. Later that evening, in one small hotel lobby bar, I met the vice president of a huge technology company, the owner of a 300,000-member marketing site, a viral video legend, and a famous bestselling author. Outside of a conference watering hole, it would have taken many headaches, unreturned e-mails, and conversations with gatekeepers to get this same level of access to this group of influential people.
Conferences are not the only effective watering holes. Blogs or online forums can also be excellent places to meet peers, mentors, and customers.
When I first started my coaching business, Guy Kawasaki’s blog was the watering hole that led me to so many great friends and partners, including Stanford professor and author Bob Sutton, Presentation Zen author Garr Reynolds, author and programmer Kathy Sierra, and marketing expert Seth Godin. After Guy linked to a few of the posts on my blog, I got a flood of new subscribers, and it earned him the nickname of my “link sugar daddy.” He ended up becoming a friend and wrote the foreword to my first book.
Network roles: connector, maven, and salesman
Malcolm Gladwell has contributed many great ideas to the business world over the years with bestselling books like Blink and Outliers.
His book The Tipping Point changed the way I think about creating and developing networks that help develop and deploy great ideas into the world. In chapter 2, Gladwell describes three types of people:
When you identify your primary “Tipping Point Archetype,” you know how to leverage your strength, and, most important, you identify the archetypes you need to surround yourself with in order to strengthen the quality of and to spread ideas for your body of work.
How do you recognize these types in the real world?
Connectors are fantastic at expanding your network. When you share your idea with them, they will say:
“Oh, you should talk to . . .”
“Have you heard about Bob, who wrote that book . . .”
“Let me introduce you to . . .”
They think in terms of people, and networks of people, and like nothing more than to help you.
Mavens will dig deeply into your product and give very specific, detailed, and relevant information on how it can fit within the marketplace.
“I was researching that last month, and I noticed a slight discrepancy in . . .”
“Your work fits right in the xxx part of yyy’s essay on the zzz topic.”
“You could add videos to this to bring the lessons alive! And you could expand on the content in chapter three, section two, by listing . . .”
Salesmen will take the idea and help you package it, price it, and sell it. They’ll say:
“Here is one way that you could position it, in order to get people excited about the idea.”
“What is the big idea? What is the promise?”
“You have to have an offer. Traffic means nothing if it doesn’t lead to a sale.”
“What is your pricing structure?”
“What specific value will this have to your market? How much is that worth?”
My friend Charlie Gilkey, who identifies as a maven, thinks that we have primary, secondary, and tertiary Tipping Point Archetypes. So you could be a connector (primary), maven (secondary), and salesman (tertiary), relying on each of the strengths in differing quantities.
One fun way I like to help people figure out which is their primary network role is to ask a question like: “How would you get to the moon?” And take note of their instinctual response.
Connectors think of anyone they know who may know someone who works at NASA.
Mavens run through different scenarios and calculations to determine exactly what the task entails. Would they be flying in a rocket? Does NASA have any plans to fly to the moon, or are Mars and Jupiter more of a budget priority?
Salesmen think about what powerful story they could tell to convince Richard Branson that they are a great candidate for the next commercial airline flight to the moon.
How do you use network roles in the real world?
Executive coach Michele Woodward created the Connector Strategy Tool, which she uses to help clients conducting a job search identify the connectors in their life. One of Michele’s clients who used the tool reported that after having lunch with a connector, he sent eight messages of introduction to hiring managers on her behalf by the time she got back to the office.
Charlie Gilkey and I used the network role model in our Lift Off Retreat, and it was exceptionally eye-opening for the participants, who realized: A) They should celebrate who they really are and ignore advice to change into something they are not. B) By surrounding themselves with other network roles, their businesses will grow to a whole other level.
Who should you have in your networks?
I recommend that everyone have the following people in their network (in addition to your beloved spouse and kids/pets):
Of course you can have a lot more people in your circle, but if you have these bases covered, you are in excellent shape.
What can real, live people do that books, videos, or your own brain cannot?
Hold you accountable
My friend Michael Bungay Stanier, author of Do More Great Work, took a keen interest in my own crazy writing process and volunteered to be my accountability partner for writing this book. Our methods included daily e-mail check-ins about the number of words written, as well as scattered Skype chats when I get stuck or overwhelmed. Knowing that Michael is investing his time in my success makes me feel extra motivated to get the book done.
Challenge your thinking
You want people in your life who will help you to think in new, different, and more nuanced ways. My friend Barbara Saunders always has a unique perspective on my work and takes the time to offer detailed comments. (Incidentally, our podcast interview about how we misjudge introverts is one of my most popular.)
Balance your strengths
Chances are, if you have tremendous strengths in one area (strategic thinking, graphic design, quantum physics), you also have noteworthy weaknesses in other areas. Highly detailed tax attorney Kyle Durand has done the unthinkable: made this liberal arts major get excited about legal contracts, partnership agreements, and watertight financial statements.
Remind you of your true path
Best friends, like my Desiree Adaway, remind you that no matter how dark the current moment appears, there is a better day ahead. People who know you very well have a unique perspective about your patterns and your true self.
Motivate you
Andy Pels refuses to let me do anything less than my best work. He immediately sends me an e-mail if I have a typo in a blog post. He actually prescheduled motivating e-mails last August to hit my in-box at the time when I was due to be finishing my book.
I have many more dear friends and trusted colleagues, but these are a few examples of the kind of people who can keep you moving forward, despite your valiant efforts to shrink back from your greatness.
Where can you find a support team?
If you don’t already have strong circle of peers around you, I suggest looking for them:
A great circle of peer mentors reminds you that we all need each other.
When each of us operates from our strengths, invests in one another’s successes, and sees the world as a series of creative collaborations, we all win.
You must still create your own success
While learning from the best and most successful in your field, it is very important to make sure you are not asking them to do your work for you. Martha Beck once told me: “Every time I go to a cocktail party, well-meaning authors or experts corner me with a copy of their book, asking in a hushed tone ‘Would you mind giving my book to Oprah when you are in her office?’ What they should be asking is: ‘What were the most powerful steps you took to prepare yourself to be on Oprah?’”
Seth Godin said something very similar in his post “No Knight, No Shining Armor”:
The magic of the tribe is that you can build it incrementally, that day by day you can earn the asset that will allow you to bring your work to people who want it. Or you can skip that and wait to get picked. Picked to be on Oprah or American Idol or at the cash register at Borders.
Getting picked is great. Building a tribe is reliable; it’s hard work and it’s worth doing.
The eight magic questions, not the magic bullet
So what is your brand-new business idea or big goal that you have no idea how to accomplish?
Getting a book deal? Breaking into a new market? Getting a job in a different industry? Creating a successful software product? Getting your own television show? Monetizing your blog?
Answer the following questions:
The more you develop your network, the more ease you will feel when starting new or challenging projects.
How to ask for help when you get stuck
I work with a lot of smart people. Folks who have done amazing things in their careers, raised great children, changed their communities, created fine pieces of art, and solved complex problems.
As they are attempting something new, they often hit a wall if they can’t figure it out. Many get paralyzed and lose confidence and momentum the longer they don’t have an answer.
Some of this is based on assumptions they make about what people think of those who ask for help.
Common assumptions about asking for help in a competitive environment:
Common assumptions about asking for help in the new world of entrepreneurship:
When you are in a stuck place and feel overwhelmed, the one thing that will not make you feel better is spending more time alone thinking. You will go from:
“I cannot figure out how to write this proposal!” to “I will never be able to write this proposal!” to “Who was I to ever think that I had any right to be in business?”
It is a very ugly spiral.
To avoid this, you need to get used to asking for help early and often.
The key to getting great help is to make the request clear and brief. Write your questions in a form that will allow someone to give a brief and specific answer.
Good Technique: “Hey, Pam, do you know anyone who specializes in local business marketing strategies?”
As opposed to:
Bad Technique: “Hey, Pam, how should I market my business?”
This kind of broad question makes my head spin and is really hard to answer with a brief e-mail.
Five ways to ask for help
1. Describe what you need help with in clear language.
“I have a great software product, but I have no idea which conference to speak at in the New York area to attract ideal customers.”
“I need to change the header on my WordPress site, but I don’t know how to do it.”
“I need to get my own health insurance, but I don’t know where to get started.”
2. Send a Tweet.
I consider Twitter an interesting alternative to Google because I get answers from people who share a personal connection. If you do not have a big Twitter following yet, ask someone who does. I constantly poll my Twitter circle with questions from friends and clients. Make sure your question is clear, brief, and includes “thanks.”
Example: “Does anyone know a great health insurance broker in the Seattle area? Thanks in advance!”
3. Use LinkedIn Answers.
LinkedIn is full of smart and helpful people who can answer a whole range of professional questions. If someone answers your question, be sure to thank them, extend an invitation to connect, and let them know you are available to answer questions for them as well.
4. Attend free calls and webinars.
I have been hosting a free monthly call for the past three years on my blog. I get a huge range of questions, and there are no strings attached to participating. Look for similar offers in your market—companies often host free training on their products, and other coaches or consultants do the same. Sometimes you will be pitched to buy something at the end, but that is a reasonable price to pay for free information.
5. Ask friends and colleagues from your professional organizations or programs.
You may have a great connection with someone who attends a monthly networking meeting you go to, or is in an educational program that you participate in. Send a direct message to them, and see if they can help you. Some of these early exchanges can lead to more extended learning partnerships, like masterminds. I met Philippa Kennealy, from the Entrepreneurial MD, in a program run by Andrea Lee, and after some brief exchanges, she and I became mastermind partners for the whole first year we started our blogs (way back in 2005!). She is a big reason why I got early momentum and success on my blog.
Asking for help, and giving help on a consistent basis, is the best thing you can do for your body of work. It doesn’t have to be a lonely grind; it can be a rich exchange of ideas, information, and resources.
How to manage a growing network
When you begin to cultivate your network and build your connections, while it provides great diversity and “contextual capacity,” it can quickly get overwhelming. People ask me quite often how I can keep up relationships with so many people as my in-person and virtual network grows.
The short answer is: I can’t.
It would be pretty impossible to keep track of thirty-five thousand people on Twitter and hundreds of students and clients.
I do, however, get great joy from knowing a lot of people. Here are my tips for managing a growing network without burning out.
10 ways to strengthen connections with your network
1. Know your wing span.
As we discussed earlier, you can separate people into connectors, mavens, and salesmen. Connectors, if you remember, love to connect people and often have very large networks. I am a big connector, so every time I meet someone new, I think, “Cool! Someone else who can be a resource to my community!” If you are not a connector, you may need to define the maximum size network that feels comfortable for you. Kevin Kelly’s concept of one thousand true fans may appeal to more introverted people who would rather have depth than breadth in their network.
2. Change your expectations.
If you expect that you will remember to write personal birthday cards to every single person in your network, you will be massively stressed out. The nature of social networks is that they are loose, open, and instantaneous. Instead of thinking, “I must keep tabs on every single thing each person is doing,” you can think, “I will make sure to really pay attention to the people who come across me today.” You do not have to have deep, long conversations with everyone every week in order to consider them a friend and advocate.
3. Choose your inner circle.
I have a very small circle of people who I call on all the time. I make it a priority to stay very connected with their lives and rely on them to help me with my own challenges. Being thoughtful about who is in this very small circle means I have more energy to reach out and connect with a lot more people from a more grounded perspective.
4. Love the one you’re with.
When you have the opportunity to meet someone at a live event, give them your full attention. Plant your feet. Look them in the eyes. Listen to what they are saying. Recently, at the World Domination Summit in Portland, Oregon, I was in a room with more than three thousand people. I wanted to talk to all of them. But since that was not possible, I made sure to really connect with each person I did talk to, even if it was only for two minutes in the hallway.
5. Sprinkle in random check-ins.
I love to jump on a quick video chat and surprise a friend, pop by a new blog, or start up a conversation on Twitter with someone I don’t know well. These are often brief conversations, but they form a strong connection for a few minutes and often bridge into feeling comfortable with that person when you meet him or her in real life. I also love scanning through my phone contact list and doing random “Hello, I miss you” calls when I have a few extra minutes.
6. Set expectations for communication.
I send a note to everyone who joins my newsletter asking for their biggest question about starting a business. I use this technique to gather data about blog posts to write or classes to create. I write, “I may not be able to answer each question individually, but I do host a free call the first Wednesday of the month, which you are welcome to join.” Many sign up for the calls and not only get their questions answered but also hear useful information from others. On my blog, I do not set the expectation that I will respond to every comment, because that would not work with the limited amount of time I dedicate to work each day. I do set the expectation that I will read and enjoy every comment or question. Expectations give everyone room to breathe.
7. Prioritize critical people in your network like bosses, clients, close friends, or family members.
A couple of years ago I got an e-mail from a client who felt like I was not checking in enough with what she was up to. Do you know what? She was right. Listening to what she needed from me reminded me that it is a privilege to be a coach, and I should make adjustments in my work flow to make sure I follow the work of my clients more closely than that of my broader network. I am very appreciative of her feedback as it affected the way I structure my client relationships.
8. Use technology.
You can create groups on Twitter (of clients, of friends, of favorite thinkers) so you can have a small and focused window into key segments of your network. If you scan the stream of these special groups, you can respond, retweet, and encourage in an organized manner. You can also set reminders in your calendar at different times of the month to e-mail current clients, or to stop by the blogs of your favorite folks. Knowing that you have a block of time to check up on key networks will stop you from feeling pressured to do so every day.
9. Connect people with each other.
I believe that my main purpose is to create community. I don’t want to create a situation where everyone is lined up trying to talk with me; I want them to talk with each other. So think about the best dinner party host you know—what do they do? They invite great people to the party. They serve great food. They make the environment open and inviting. They introduce people to each other. Then they slip into the kitchen to make more hors d’oeuvres so that everyone can start talking.
10. Get meta.
I love meditations where I visualize sending love to all of the people and creatures on earth. Feeling the pulse of collective humanity reminds me that we are always connected by virtue of sharing the same planet. We do not have to talk with each person on earth to know that—we can feel it.
As Kyle found out, creating a network of the right people with the right skill sets can be the difference between simmering an idea for years without doing anything about it and executing real, live projects that improve the quality of life for people you care about.
This chapter should help you feel less overwhelmed and more joyful about your connections and collaborations. Remember to trust your instincts. Creating your body of work can be a daunting task. Don’t think you have to build it alone.
Exercise: Identify a Peer Mentor Circle
For your next project, experiment with creating a peer mentor circle, composed of people who can give you support, feedback, and ideas.
• Name of project
• Objective
• Your strengths and special ingredients as they relate to this project
• Your weaknesses, unknowns, and skill gaps as they relate to this project
• Names of five people you know who could help address these weaknesses, unknowns, and skill gaps
• Means of communication you will use to solicit input from your peer mentors for this project (e-mail, video conferencing, in-person meeting, et cetera)
• Length of project
• How you will thank your mentors for giving you feedback