A few days later. Philip, alone, laying the dinner-table for six. A knock at the door. Don enters.
Don Hello. Am I too early?
Philip No.
Don I wondered if there was anything I could do to help.
Philip No, it’s all under control. Help yourself to a drink.
Don pours himself a Scotch.
Don For you?
Philip No, thanks. Not just yet.
Don sits down.
Don Where’s Celia?
Philip In the kitchen.
Don Are you all right?
Philip Yes. Why?
Don I don’t know, you seem a little morose.
Philip I am a bit.
Don Why? You’re not still upset about John, are you?
Philip Well …
Don I can’t think why. You hardly knew the man.
Philip That doesn’t make any difference.
Don Well, it should do. He was my friend, not yours. And I haven’t been sitting around brooding about it for days. You’re too sensitive, Philip, really. I mean, the whole thing was just a grotesque accident.
Philip I’ve never seen anyone dead before. I’ve never seen anyone die.
Don I don’t know, the whole evening was a complete disaster. I mean, apart from that. I only suggested we had it here because I knew I’d hate the play, and I wanted someone around who’d say something nice to him. I don’t know why he got so ratty with you.
Philip Well, I was very tactless.
Don Nonsense, he was absurd. A sad case in many ways. There’s no doubt he was very intelligent, but he had no idea how to write. That play was no good at all.
Philip I rather liked it.
Don I know you did, but it was no good. The ideas were there, but not the technique, it was far too cerebral.
Philip Under the circumstances, I think that’s a uniquely unfortunate adjective.
Don What? Oh, oh yes. (He laughs.) Anyway, I see you’ve managed to get him off the wall.
Philip Don.
Don Sorry.
Silence.
Philip Celia wasn’t very sympathetic either. The first thing she said when I rang her up and told her about it was: ‘I’m not surprised, he’s always been ludicrously absent-minded.’
Don Did she?
Philip Yes.
Don Come to think of it, absent-minded’s even more unfortunate than cerebral. (He laughs, recovers, shakes his head.) No, it was a terrible thing to happen, really. (He tries to look solemn, but is suddenly overcome by helpless laughter.) Sorry.
Celia enters.
Celia What’s the joke?
Don John.
She puts some mats on the table.
Celia It’s all very well for you to laugh, you didn’t have to clean him up. He was all over the place.
Philip Please, love …
Celia Philip had to throw away his Picasso print, didn’t you?
She heads for the door.
Philip Can I do anything in the kitchen?
Celia I’ve yet to see any evidence of it. (Celia goes out.)
Don Who’s coming this evening?
Philip Liz.
Don Good.
Philip Erm … Araminta, do you know her?
Don Oh, really, where did you pick her up?
Philip I didn’t pick her up. She’s one of the few people I come into contact with who has any interest in my subject at all. She seems quite intelligent, so I asked her.
Don I don’t think it’s your subject she’s interested in.
Philip Oh?
Don Haven’t you heard about her?
Philip No.
Don The quickest drawers in the faculty. Old Noakes was telling me the other day he literally had to beg her to leave him in peace.
Philip Did he really?
Don Yes. So I should keep your hand on your ha’penny if I were you. (Pause.) Who else?
Philip Braham Head.
Don The novelist?
Philip Yes. He’s up here for a couple of weeks. Celia met him at some party and wanted to ask him. Do you know him?
Don Slightly.
Philip What’s he like?
Don Incredible prick. He’s one of those writers who’ve been forced to abandon the left wing for tax reasons.
Philip I quite like one or two of his books.
Don They’re dreadful. Dreadful. The man hasn’t a glimmer of talent. And he’s so rude and loud.
Philip Oh.
Don He left his wife last year. He said to her: ‘Darling, I hope you’re not going to be bourgeois about this, but I’m going to leave you and the children for a few months.’
Philip What happened?
Don She divorced him. Best thing she could have done. Their whole relationship was soured by her failure even to attempt suicide, which he apparently regarded as unforgivable. He likes to think of himself as a Romantic.
Philip Surely he’s not that bad?
Don Worse. Worse. (He broods for a moment.) What about the Prime Minister, then?
Philip What about him?
Don Haven’t you heard?
Philip No.
Don He’s been killed.
Philip What?
Don Assassinated.
Philip Has he?
Don They’ve had nothing else on the radio all day.
Philip How terrible.
Don Most of the Cabinet as well.
Philip Killed as well?
Don Yes.
Philip How did it happen?
Don Well, shortly after the debate began today, this rather comic figure came bowling into the courtyard of the House of Commons on a bicycle: an elderly and rather corpulent woman wearing one of those enormous tweed capes, you know, ankle-length. She parked her bicycle, dropped the front wheel into one of those slots they have, and puffed up to the gallery, where she sat for a bit, beaming amiably and sucking Glacier mints. Then, all of a sudden, she leapt to her feet, produced a sub-machine-gun out of nowhere, and mowed down the front bench.
Philip My God.
Don Yes.
Philip But … who was she?
Don A retired lieutenant-colonel.
Philip Salvation Army?
Don No, no, she was a man. He gave himself up afterwards. He’s completely round the twist. He says he did it to save Britain from the menace of creeping socialism.
Philip But it’s a Tory government.
Don Nevertheless, he feels, if you can believe it, that the party is slithering hopelessly to the left. Said he felt called to be his country’s liberator. Apparently, he’s been practising in his garden in Wolverhampton for months.
Philip God.
Don Nine of them he got, and several others wounded. He probably could have managed more, but he seemed to feel an adequate statement had been made, so he trotted down the stairs, gave himself up like an officer and a gentleman and sauntered off to the cells whistling the Dam Busters’ March.
Philip But … what’s going to happen?
Don Oh, I don’t know, coalition government, another election, something like that. It’s not going to make much difference, whatever happens.
Don Not to us, anyway.
Philip But … it’s appalling.
Don Yes. (Pause.) Worse things have happened. (Pause.) I must say, I think it was rather boring of him to do it on November the 5th. I suppose in the Tory Party that’s the kind of thing that passes for aesthetics.
Celia enters.
Celia Did you put the lemons in the ’fridge? I can’t see them anywhere.
Philip Oh, God.
Celia Don’t say you’ve forgotten them. Honestly, I ask you to get one thing …
Philip I’m sorry. I’ll go and get them now.
Celia Everything’s shut. We shall just have to have it without lemon, that’s all.
Don I think I’ve got a couple of lemons.
Celia Have you?
Don Yes, in my rooms, in the fruit bowl, I think.
Celia Can I nip over and get them?
Don Yes, sure.
Celia Thanks.
She moves over to the door.
Philip Celia.
Celia Yes.
Philip Anything I can do to help?
Celia goes out. Philip looks unhappy.
Don When is it you’re getting married?
Philip I, er, not sure really. Probably sometime in the vacation.
Don Are you looking forward to it?
Philip Well, yes, I think so. Why?
Don Just wondered.
Silence.
Philip You don’t really think it’s a good idea, do you?
Don I don’t know, Philip.
Philip I mean, you don’t really like her, do you?
Don It’s not that I don’t like her, that’s not it at all. She’s very amusing and intelligent and attractive – it’s just I sometimes wonder whether she’s your kind of person.
Philip What do you mean? You mean I’m not amusing and intelligent and attractive.
Don Of course not. But you’re rather … serious, aren’t you?
Philip I suppose so.
Don And Celia isn’t. In fact, she’s rather frivolous.
Philip But I like that.
Don Oh, I’m sure you do. Sure you do. But it may cause you some trouble.
Philip She is very malicious sometimes. She does seem to hate a large number of people I find perfectly harmless. Intensely. At first, I didn’t think she really hated them, but I’m not so sure now.
Don Have you ever thought about Liz?
Philip Liz?
Don Ever thought about marrying her?
Philip No. Why?
Don She’s very fond of you, you know.
Philip Really?
Don Yes. I was talking to her about you the other day and I could see she was very fond of you.
Philip Why, what did she say?
Don Well, I can’t remember exactly, nothing specific, it was just the way she talked about you. I’m sure she’d marry you like a shot if you asked her.
Philip Do you think so?
Don I’m sure of it.
Philip She hasn’t said anything to me about it.
Don Well, she has her pride.
Silence. Philip broods.
Philip And you think I should marry her instead of Celia?
Don I didn’t say that. I wouldn’t dream of saying that.
Philip But you think it.
Don I’m just saying it would be possible if you wanted to do it.
Philip Well, I don’t.
Don I know you don’t. I’m sorry I mentioned it.
Philip That’s all right.
Don I have this theory which I think is rather attractive. I think we’re only capable of loving people who are fundamentally incompatible with us.
Philip That’s horrible.
Don But attractive.
Philip It’s not really a very helpful thing to say.
Don Take no notice. You know very well that unless you’re a scientist, it’s much more important for a theory to be shapely, than for it to be true.
Celia enters with the lemons, which she puts down on the table.
Celia Christ, I must have a drink. (She pours herself a Scotch and sinks into a chair.)
Don Did you find the lemons?
Celia Yes. Thanks.
Don Isn’t she marvellous?
Philip eyes Don uneasily.
Philip I think so.
Celia So do I. I can’t bear cooking: and I cook. I can’t bear working: and I work. (She smiles.) And I can’t bear Philip: and I’m marrying him.
Philip It’s all part of one basic condition.
Celia What?
Philip You can’t bear being a woman: and you are.
Celia bristles.
Celia What do you mean?
Philip It was a joke.
Philip It was about as funny as yours.
Celia Mine?
Philip Yes, when you said you couldn’t bear me and you were marrying me.
Celia You think that was a joke?
Philip I …
Celia (laughing) Your trouble is you have no sense of humour.
Philip is bested.
Philip Sorry.
A knock at the door and Braham enters. He is a tall, good-looking man, fashionably and expensively dressed. He carries a large paper bag.
Braham I hope I’ve come to the right place. (He sees Celia.) Ah, hello love. (He turns to Don.) You must be Philip.
Philip No, I’m Philip.
Don I’m Don.
Braham Oh, yes, we’ve met, haven’t we? Well, I’m Braham. Very nice of you to invite me.
Philip It’s kind of you to come.
Braham (Turning to Celia) I went down to the market to buy you some flowers, my love, but they didn’t seem to have any. So I got you this instead. (With a flourish, he produces a cauliflower from the paper bag.) As a token of my esteem.
Celia (dubiously) Thanks.
Braham I’m sure you’ll be able to find a niche for it.
Celia takes it from him.
Celia I’ll put it in the kitchen.
Braham Just the place.
Celia goes out.
Philip Can I get you a drink?
Braham Lovely girl.
Philip Sherry or Scotch?
Braham (abstractedly) Yes, please.
He looks over towards the kitchen, as Philip stands by the drinks table, helpless with indecision.
Lovely. She tells me you’re getting married.
Philip Yes. Erm …? (His courage fails him.)
Braham What?
Philip Nothing.
He decides on Scotch and pours it shakily. Braham sits down.
Silence. Philip hands him the glass.
Braham I observe that you are left-handed and that your maternal granny stands, or rather stood, six foot three in her socks.
Philip Er …
Braham How can I tell, I hear you cry.
Philip exchanges a slightly desperate glance with Don as Braham sips his drink. Philip smiles weakly.
I can see it in your … Did I ask for Scotch?
Philip Well …
Braham Funny, I thought I said sherry.
Philip Let me …
Braham No, no, never mind, never mind. Think nothing of it.
Silence. Philip takes a cigarette box from the table and offers one to Braham.
Philip Do you smoke?
Braham takes one.
Braham Thank you.
Philip hands one to Don. Then closes the box and lights their cigarettes as he speaks, nervously.
Philip I gave up last summer. It was months before I could make up my mind, but I finally decided I was more nervous about dying of cancer than I would be if I gave up smoking.
Braham Well, naturally.
Philip No, no, what I mean is that I decided that the degree of nervousness I suffer in everyday life under normal circumstances without smoking although it was alleviated by smoking together with the added nervousness caused by the threat of ultimate cancer came to a sum total of nervousness it seemed to me in the end after lengthy as I say consideration greater than the original nervousness which had in the first place prompted me to take up smoking. If you follow my meaning.
Celia has re-entered during this speech.
Braham I’m not sure I do.
Philip No, well, I’m not expressing myself very well. I just mean it was paradoxical that I took up smoking because I thought it would be good for my nerves and discovered that even though it was I was more nervous after I’d taken it up than before because of the …
Celia What are you burbling about?
Philip I’m not, I’m not expressing myself very well. I don’t know what’s the matter with me.
Braham I should have a cigarette if I were you.
Blackout.
Aria: ‘Be joyful in the Lord’ from Handel’s ‘Jubilate’.