SCENE TWO

A comfortable bedroom with twin beds. West and Mrs West are in evening dress, West struggling with his bowtie, Mrs West ready, waiting.

West God. I can never get these things to work.

Mrs West You’ve had enough practice.

West I know. What’s the matter with it? I keep meaning to get one of those ones on an elastic strap. There we are. (He makes a final adjustment, considers it in the mirror.) Jesus, it looks ludicrous.

Mrs West (sighing) Start again. Concentrate.

He does so.

West Look, do we have to go to this thing?

Mrs West turns away, ignoring him.

Mm? Do we?

Mrs West I don’t know why you always say that. You know perfectly well we have to. At least, I don’t have to. You have to. That’s the only reason you’re going in the first place, because you have to. So why you always say that, I don’t know.

West All right, there’s no need to, I was just asking. (Pause.) I suppose there’s always a remote chance there might be someone amusing or interesting there, never let it be said I’m not an optimist. That’s better. (He inspects himself in the mirror.) No, it’s not, it’s worse.

Mrs West It’ll do.

West No, it’ll come undone.

Mrs West We’re going to be late.

West What you mean is, we’re not going to be early. I can’t think why you have this passion for always wanting to be the first person there. All that happens is you hear your name spoken so often you begin to think there’s at least six of you, and you run through all your small talk before the soup. I won’t be a minute.

He undoes his tie again and turns to the mirror. As he does so, the door bursts open and three young men enter. They are all wearing rubber Walt Disney masks. Two of them are holding sub-machine-guns, the third, Carlos, a pistol fitted with a silencer.

Carlos Mr West?

West Erm, er, I don’t think so, no. Why?

Carlos looks down at something in his hand and back at West.

Carlos I know you are Mr West. Please put your hands up.

West (doing so) Oh.

Carlos Mrs West.