A week later. The room is now fully furnished, the empty bookshelf is full, there are more chairs, pictures on the wall. And so on. Evening.
Ann and Dave are sitting on the sofa, the remains of supper behind them on the dining-table, two glasses of brandy on the coffee-table in front of them. Ann is in her dressing-gown. Dave, in shirtsleeves, is listening, through the headphones, to ‘God’ from the John Lennon L.P. ‘Working-class Hero’. Fairly loud. Enjoying himself.
After a time, from outside, the sound of breaking glass, followed immediately by frenzied barking. Dave looks across at Ann, takes the headphones off, gets up, crosses to the amplifier, puts the headphones down, takes the needle off the record, switches off and moves to the hall door. The barking continues throughout this. Dave opens the hall door and steps into the hall.
Dave Arthur. Arthur! Get down, boy.
After a moment, he returns, shepherding Patrick. Patrick’s hand is bleeding. He stands just inside the door, hopelessly, white-faced.
Arthur didn’t do that, did he?
Patrick No, no, the, um, glass.
Dave Oh, I was going to say, if it was Arthur, we’d better get you down the doctor. Or him down the vet. You’ve given him a terrible turn.
Patrick I … (He waves his bleeding hand at Ann.) You see, not so neat, after all.
Ann What are you talking about?
Patrick You …
Ann Look, for God’s sake, don’t drip on the rug.
Dave Well, go on, get the poor bugger an Elastoplast or something, don’t just stand there.
Ann hesitates, then exits angrily to the bedroom.
Patrick I’ve just dropped by to have a word with you about stock-car racing.
Dave What?
Patrick Nothing.
Dave Are you quite all right?
Patrick flaps his hand.
Patrick Apart from this.
Dave I think you’d better have a brandy.
He moves to the dining-recess, takes out a glass and pours a brandy. Ann returns from the bedroom with a bottle of T.C.P., cotton wool and a bandage. The two of them converge on Patrick simultaneously. He takes the glass and submits his hand to Ann with some confusion. Dave smiles, enjoying himself.
This is very trying, you know, we’ve only just had that pane replaced. The glazier will gossip. (He swigs at his brandy.) I must say, old bean, this shows a sad lack of imagination. Couldn’t you have devised some other method? You could have bought a taxi and cruised around the area waiting to be hailed. Bit of originality, that’s all we ask.
Ann Stop it, Dave.
She concentrates on bandaging Patrick’s hand. He gazes at her miserably, speaks quietly to her.
Patrick I want to talk to you.
Dave We knew that, Patrick, but I have to tell you this is not a convenient moment. We can’t even offer you any supper, alas, I’m afraid we’ve scoffed the lot. So when you’re all finished there, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to slosh down your brandy and get off home to mother.
Patrick I have a flat of my own now.
Dave Then what you breaking in here for?
Patrick I’ve told you, I have to talk to Ann.
Dave And I’ve told you, this is not the right moment. Now, don’t force me to get heavy with you. An Englishman’s home is his castle, you know.
Ann finishes bandaging Patrick’s hand, breaks away from him.
And, not to put too fine a point on it, if you’re not out of here in ten seconds, I’m going to call the police.
Patrick Look, I know it’s difficult for you, but do you find it quite impossible to be serious?
Dave You’d be surprised, mate. (Pause.) I’m waiting. (Pause.) Right. (He strides over to the telephone, lifts the receiver.)
Ann Don’t.
Patrick starts to move towards him, then freezes, panicked. Dave smiles at Ann, then dials 999. Moment of silence.
Dave Hello … oh, is there a choice? … I’ll have to have a think about it, I’ll let you know. Thank you. (He puts the receiver down, smiling.) Easy when you know how. (Pause.) Next time I’ll get them round here.
Patrick I don’t understand this at all.
Dave There are no certainties in this world, Patrick. I have a friend called Napoleon Bonaparte actually believes he’s a lunatic.
Silence. Patrick bemused, Ann unhappy, Dave confident.
Ann I think perhaps you’d better go, Patrick.
Patrick looks uncertainly from Ann to Dave.
Patrick Are you going to get married?
Dave You’re joking.
Patrick I just wondered.
Dave Look, in a couple of years’ time or sooner or anyway sometime we shall probably make a very unpleasant mess of each other’s lives and that’ll be the end of it.
Patrick And is that … a reasonable basis?
Dave Of course it is, we just know in advance what catches most people by surprise, that’s all. (Pause.) Look, I tell you what, I’m going away in a couple of weeks, why don’t you wait and have another bash then? If you get anywhere, of course, you’ll have to take into account the fact she’s probably only doing it to get back at me, but if you think that’s worthwhile, God bless you. Can’t say fairer than that, now can I? Alternatively, you could hang around until the whole thing’s over, although I shouldn’t if I were you, because I have to be honest with you, my money’s on some third party.
Patrick Ann.
Dave Let’s leave it for now, shall we?
Patrick Did you read my letters?
Dave She wouldn’t, I’m afraid, she’s very stubborn. So I did. They were most affecting.
Patrick I’m talking to Ann.
Dave I know that, I can see that, but is she talking to you? That’s the question we should be asking ourselves.
Patrick Look, will you …
Dave Patrick, I’m sorry about this, I really am, I like you, believe me, I’ve grown to be very fond of you. I mean, I won’t deny this whole situation has a certain, you know, well, as an old mate of mine, Charlie Peters, always used to say, there is no more subtle pleasure than to see your best friend fall off the roof. But I do have a genuine affection and …
Patrick Fuck off!
Dave Patrick!
Patrick I’m talking to Ann!
Dave The floor is yours. (He moves abruptly to the sofa, sits down, puts his feet up and watches them over the back of the sofa.)
Patrick Ann.
Dave The rug is mine but the floor is yours.
He laughs, having been unable to resist this remark. Patrick, however, takes no notice and moves closer to Ann, who has been growing increasingly tense, throughout these recent exchanges.
Patrick Is this what you want? That’s all I want to ask you, love, I’ve done my best to be irrational this evening, but I can’t understand, I can’t bear to see this happening to you, so just tell me, it’s all I want to know, is it, is this really what you want?
Silence. Suddenly, Ann bears down on Patrick, furious.
Ann Will you get the hell out of here, you stupid hopeless bastard, what the fuck do you think you’re doing, can’t you get it through your head, sod you, I want you out, understand that, can you, I want you out and I never want to see you again!
Silence. Patrick is stunned.
Patrick Well if you yes all right.
He turns, moves to the hall door, hesitates, turns back, shoots a helpless look round the room as if he thinks he’s forgotten something, then exits into the hall.
A second’s silence, then Ann suddenly runs after him into the hall, closing the door behind her.
Dave sits up, startled by this.
Long silence, during which Dave’s face betrays a growing fear.
The heavy sound of a door closing.
Dave starts to get up. He looks terrified.
Ann opens the door, stands in the doorway.
Dave sits down again, looking at her.
Dave looks away from her, refusing to respond, stone-faced.