Chapter 22

 

ELI tried to calm his heart as he waited for Alec to open the door. He felt ridiculous being this nervous about a dinner date, but he couldn’t settle himself. He’d abandoned the idea of a tie and changed his clothes several times before choosing a simple blue jumper and dark jeans. Then he had to decide what to bring: flowers, wine, dessert? He knew he should bring something other than himself and his needs—or his fears.

The door opened and there was Alec, looking fantastic and chasing all previous concerns from his head.

“Come in,” Alec said, stepping back to allow him to pass. The first thing he noticed as he brushed past his boyfriend was Alec’s familiar and much-missed scent. Then the aroma of dinner overtook him, and he grinned, opening his mouth to comment on it, but suddenly he found himself silenced by Alec’s kiss and dizzied by a full-body embrace.

“God, I’ve missed this, missed you like this,” Alec groaned against Eli’s ear as his lips made their way to his neck.

Eli nearly dropped the bottle of Chardonnay he’d brought, but he tightened his grip on the bottle’s neck just as his knees threatened to give way under Alec’s onslaught. “I… I brought wine,” he gasped out between kisses.

“Uh-huh.” Alec kissed him deeply again, their tongues sliding over each other, and Eli gave up, throwing his arms around Alec’s neck. He bumped him softly on the back of his head with the bottle and the handle of his cane as he returned the kiss enthusiastically.

“Oh, sorry.”

Alec drew back. “No problem,” he said, taking the bottle from Eli and setting it on the bar by the door. Then he got back to manhandling him. Alec backed him up against the bar and began rubbing him through his jeans.

Eli grunted and gripped Alec by the back of his head. “Hey,” he said, pausing and searching Alec’s face, “you’ve cut your hair!”

Alec smiled. “Just a bit. More of a trim, really.” They looked into each other’s eyes, Eli reaching up to comb his fingers through Alec’s hair and brushing a lock off his forehead.

“It looks good,” Eli said softly.

Alec smiled and inclined his head slightly to the left. Eli followed the movement and was clearly delighted by the spectacle staged in front of the large windows that looked out over London. The room had been arranged to make space for the table. It was set beautifully with two simple, armless chairs, a burgundy tablecloth, and two white candles, glowing as they stood sentry over a collection of simple, elegant china. Eli slipped free of Alec and slowly made his way across the room, unable to tear the smile from his face.

“Have a seat, and I’ll be right with you,” Alec said. Eli sat, gazing at the table and then out the window. He unfolded his napkin and spread it on his lap. Somewhere in the room, soft music began to play, and then Alec was there, bearing plates filled with the most wonderfully aromatic meal Eli could remember. And that was saying something, considering he lived with a chef.

Alec set the plates down in their proper places. “Just a sec,” he said, disappearing again. Eli looked over his meal, eager to have a taste. He glanced at the bar in time to see Alec work the cork of the wine loose with a muted pop, then Alec dimmed the lights, grabbed the bottle, and joined him at the table.

Eli watched him pour them each a glass of wine. “You went to a lot of trouble,” he said.

“You’re worth it.”

Eli grinned and sipped his wine, and Alec did the same, gazing at him over his glass. But when they put their glasses down, an uncomfortable silence fell. And as it stretched out between them, Eli began to fidget, his eyes searching for something to light on other than Alec’s handsome, yet equally befuddled face. This unfamiliar awkwardness was so different from their passionate greeting.

It had only been a week. A man didn’t forget how to talk to his lover in seven days, and he and Alec always had plenty to talk about. Plenty to fight about lately. Maybe that was it. Maybe the things they had to talk about, needed to talk about, were too difficult and likely to ruin a carefully planned and potentially lovely evening together. The candles were no longer romantically warming their intimate space, but instead casting disturbing, chaotic shadows between them.

“Let’s dig in, shall we?” Alec said finally.

Eli sighed happily and began to eat. It was delicious, which gave them something safe to discuss. “Did you make all this yourself?”

Alec laughed. “No. Jacob did, from Catering Jake? He did Tony and Lyle’s party.”

Eli nodded. “The chicken’s so tender and moist.” Okay, that’s too safe. “Is that the only help you had for all this?”

“Nope. Mirabell was here.”

“I thought I saw some tiny, yellow legs climbing into a car as I pulled up.”

Alec chuckled. “Yep, that was her. She trimmed my hair for me, helped me pick out what to wear, and… oh, she lit these,” he said, indicating the candles.

“I nearly drove Ilsa nuts getting ready tonight.”

“How is she, by the way?”

“Better, I think. Although lately she seems… I don’t know… lonely?”

“Even with Casey?”

Eli shook his head as he quickly finished off another bite of the chicken. “I think she’s afraid of Casey, afraid to be in love. In fact, we had a short discussion about love and fear the other day.”

“I can understand that.”

“Really?” he asked, pausing to look closely at Alec. “To be in love is to be afraid?”

“Ultimately what people fear isn’t love, it’s the possibility of pain that comes from the vulnerability.” They stared silently at one another for a moment. “You were afraid of me moving out.” He began to protest, but Alec raised his hand to quiet him. “I understand it, Eli. You were nervous about what the change would do to us, to us as a couple.”

“You have to admit there were some dodgy moments just now.”

“I don’t consider a lull in the conversation a disaster.”

They both laughed. “What about you?” Eli asked.

“What about me?”

“Why the sudden urge to move? It can’t just be about me avoiding the stairs.”

Alec appeared caught off guard with that question. He drained his glass and poured a bit more wine into it, offering the same to Eli, who declined.

“What did Ilsa tell you?”

“She said you were afraid I was still hung up on Bennett, that maybe—because I don’t always look at—maybe I was even thinking of him when we were—”

“I never said that.”

“Once I thought it through, I didn’t think you had, but her sauces are not the only things our friend embellishes. She can also extrapolate like nobody’s business.” Alec didn’t know what to say to that. “It must have shown on your face at some point,” Eli finished softly.

Alec nodded, and Eli reached for the wine bottle, filling his glass halfway. He stared at the wine, swirling it around in his glass, smiling as it caught the light from the candles. Then he took a sip and looked at Alec. “Do you remember the night we made love for the first time?”

“Of course.”

“You found me crying in your shower.” Alec nodded. “Why did you think I was crying?”

Alec thought about it, trying to remember what had been going through his mind as he comforted Eli. “I figured you were… it was very emotional. I was the first man you’d been with since his death.” Alec sighed and shifted nervously in his seat. “I thought you were missing him.”

Eli shook his head. “That was the night I stopped thinking of Bennett as my lover, and I was torn between mourning and joy.” He reached out and brushed Alec’s fingers with his own but cast his gaze down.

“Eli, look at me,” Alec said. “Please look—”

“And you need to understand something about why it’s difficult for me to look at you when we’re making love.” Eli’s gaze came back up to meet Alec’s, his eyes fiercely blue. “I am not thinking of Bennett or imagining you’re him.”

Alec nodded and watched his boyfriend struggle to articulate what he was feeling.

“It has a lot to do with that vulnerability you mentioned before,” Eli continued. “You know my scars aren’t too much of an issue for me anymore, but the way you look at me… at times… it’s like you can see straight to my core, and maybe there are things about me I don’t want you to see.” Alec tried to cut in, but he headed him off. “The idea that someday—or some night—you might look at me and see that I’m not the man you want or need, not the man you think I am… Alec, that terrifies me.”

“Why would I ever think that?”

“I just don’t want to be looking at you when you realize it.” The silence began to stretch between them again, so Alec changed the subject.

“After dinner, I’ll give you a tour of the place,” he said. “You saw some of it in transition, but now that it’s complete, I’m really happy with it.”

“I’d like that,” Eli whispered, then more forcefully, “I’m especially interested in seeing that shower.” He didn’t know what he’d said wrong, but even in the candlelight, he could see Alec’s gray eyes go wide and dilate drastically.

 

 

“I REALLY like the cabinets. Simple, functional, but the frosted glass fronts give them a little punch.”

“You sound like Lyle,” Alec said, smiling. “It’s funny, but after it was completed, I was standing here in the middle of this room, looking around, and suddenly realized how much it reminded me of Ilsa’s kitchen.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” Eli said, grinning crookedly. He ran his fingers over the black granite on the island and noticed Alec following his fingers with his eyes. “It’s much more modern, though.”

“This was the lower, middle-end option. Decent surfaces, but, for example, the island is smaller than in Tony and Lyle’s kitchen, and there’s less counter space.”

Drawing his fingers slowly over the cool brushed nickel of the faucet and smiling as Alec watched intently, Eli said, “Well, those two are more the big, dinner-party types, what with the artistic community and antique hounds to entertain.”

“True, true.” Alec nodded. “I can think of only a few people I’d like to have over.”

They looked at each other and smiled. “What else do you have to show me?”

“Uh… okay, you’ve seen the living room—the table is normally in here, of course, so you’d have to imagine that.” Eli nodded. “The kitchen—I guess that leaves the bedroom.”

Eli smiled and glanced at the entry to the living room, waiting for Alec to lead the way. He did, but Eli could see he was nervous about something. They crossed back through the living room, heading for a darkened hallway. Just beyond the bar was a closet. On their left, Alec opened a door to a small room.

“This will be the guest room and office,” he said, flicking on the light briefly. Eli spotted the old chest of drawers and work desk from Alec’s room at Ilsa’s. Alec turned off the light and they walked a bit farther, pausing at another door. “This is the guest bathroom.” Eli stepped forward and scanned the tasteful, simple interior. “Mira wanted to paint it orange and green, but I shut her down.”

“Thank goodness for that,” Eli said.

“Yeah, you’d think her place would look like a carnival,” Alec said, “but it’s really rather sedate.”

They continued to the end of the hall, and Alec opened the door to his master bedroom. Eli’s insides fluttered a bit in anticipation, and it wasn’t because of the décor. A few lights were already on, casting a warm glow around the room. It was large with an impressive bed and dark, modern furniture. Eli stepped deeper into the room, trying to take it all in. He turned slowly and smiled at Alec.

“What do you think?”

“Alec, it’s… it’s beautiful.” Eli reached out and stroked the comforter on the bed, surreptitiously pressing down to gauge the firmness of the mattress.

Alec stepped up behind him. “Can’t think of anything you’d change?”

“Me? It’s not my—” Eli felt Alec hesitantly touch his shoulder.

“I’ve missed you.” Alec slowly slid his arm around Eli’s waist and hugged him back against his body. He pressed his lips to Eli’s ear. “I know it’s only been a week, but it’s been tough not having you at hand.”

Before he could stop himself, Eli said, “You’re the one who moved out.”

He felt Alec immediately tense, but he couldn’t take it back, so he closed his eyes and breathed deeply, waiting for Alec to say something. Please say something. Forgive me. Pretend you didn’t hear. Eli could feel Alec’s arousal pressing against his bottom, and his gut quivered with need. He quickly covered Alec’s hand with his own, holding it against his abdomen in silent apology, and after a few seconds, he felt the tension leave Alec’s body. They both sighed.

“It could be our bedroom,” Alec whispered in his ear. “We could easily move the bed against the wall, the way you like it.”

Eli smiled at the suggestion and the warmth of Alec’s breath against his skin. But as he struggled to remain lucid, Alec’s hands slid beneath his jumper, caressing his back, slipping around to his chest, and sending his thoughts spinning. With his lips and teeth, Alec worked on Eli’s neck, one hand teasing his nipples, the other pressing backward, holding him in place as Alec rubbed himself against Eli’s bottom.

Eli gasped. God, I missed this. His head spun. He could hear and feel the blood pounding in his ears, which was strange because he was convinced most of it resided farther south at the moment.

“I… I can’t think like this. I… c-can’t—”

“You can think after,” Alec growled as he withdrew his busy hands, grabbed Eli’s cane, tossing it on the bed, and removed his pullover in one fluid effort. Suddenly Eli was bare-chested, spun around to face Alec, and being backed toward the bed, hair wild, eyes wide, and panting. They fell together, Alec on top, his lips taking Eli’s, a thumb insistently brushing over a nipple, and the other hand unbuckling Eli’s belt.

“How… how m-many hands do you have?”

Alec laughed, pausing to look in Eli’s eyes. “I want to taste you,” he moaned, shifting on the bed again, moving them farther up toward the headboard. Eli heard his cane fall to the floor with a thud. That’s fine, he thought as he lay his head back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. I’m not going anywhere. He felt Alec’s breath on his cock just before it was engulfed by his warm, wet mouth.