The first thing Wilf did when they got to their hotel was to iron all his clothes and hang them up neatly in the closet.

The first thing Alan did was to get his POOBUM out and take it into the jungle. He carefully set up the POOBUM and held the microphone to his lips.

“ANIMALS OF AFRICA!!!!”

he boomed.

“Ouch! Too loud!” said a monkey, covering his ears.

“What on earth was that?” asked a zebra.

“It is I, Alan!” said Alan.

“Who’s I Alan?” asked an elephant.

“I am the biddly boddly baddest man in the whole wide worlderoony,” said Alan.

“He’s talking absolute gibberish!” complained a crocodile crossly.

“I have invented a most marvelous machine that means I, Alan, can talk to the animals.”

“You shouldn’t have bothered if you’re just going to say things that don’t make sense,” said a giraffe.

“Because I, Alan—” continued Alan.

“What did he say his name was?” said a wildebeest.

“I Alan,” replied another wildebeest.

“No, my name’s not ‘I Alan.’ It’s just ‘Alan.’ Right. Where was I?”

“Over there,” said Kevin, pointing with his nose.

“I, Alan,” repeated Alan, “can now do what no man has ever done before. I can talk to animals.”

“Isn’t he small?” said the giraffe.

“I think it’s just that he doesn’t have a neck,” said a rhino.

“No, even with a neck he would be unusually small,” said the monkey.

“Hardly worth eating,” agreed a lion.

“Except that he’s quite fat,” said the crocodile.

“I should point out,” said Alan snippily, “that I can also understand everything you say as well.”

“He’s not fat. He’s just out of shape,” said a parrot.

“Like that stuff about my weight and my neck. I can understand all that,” said Alan crossly. “Where was I?”

“Over there,” said Kevin, pointing with his nose.

“Yes, I know, I know, I meant . . . Oh never mind. So, animals of Africa—” continued Alan.

“Just animals or birds too?” asked the parrot.

“Animals and birds,” said Alan.

“Reptiles?” asked a snake.

“Yes, yes. Animals, birds, and reptiles. I have a most marvelous plan—”

“Insects?” asked a dung beetle.

“Yes, yes. Animals, birds, reptiles, and insects. I have a most—”

“Fish?” asked a hippo.

“You’re not a fish, you idiot,” said the monkey, who was a bit rude.

“I know, but some of my best friends are fish,” said the hippo.

“Right,” said Alan. “Animals, birds, reptiles, insects, fish, and anyone else listening—”

“What did he say? I wasn’t listening,” said the rhino.

“He hasn’t really said anything yet,” said the lion.

“If you’d just give me a chance!” spluttered Alan. “I will tell you my most marvelous plan. Right—”

“Those shoes were a mistake,” said the zebra.

“And the mustache is ridiculous,” added the snake.

“OK, you need to stop making comments about my appearance when I’m RIGHT HERE!” yelled Alan.

“Is that the plan?” said the elephant.

“Sounds like a rubbish plan,” said the monkey.

“No, that’s not the plan! That’s not the plan! This is the plan: I, Alan—”

“I thought he said his name wasn’t I Alan?”

Alan sighed and massaged his temples.

“I, Alan, am going to be King and Lord and Supreme Leader of all the World and you—and this is the good bit—you are going to be my ARMY.”

Alan looked very pleased with himself.

The animals stared at him.

“That’s the plan.”

Nobody said anything.

A wildebeest coughed.

“What do you think?” said Alan.

. . . said the animals and the birds and the reptiles and the insects and the fish. And they all turned to go back to what they had been doing before.

“No, wait, wait. What do you mean ‘No, thanks’?”

“We aren’t interested,” said the lion.

“We’re just a bit busy,” said the elephant.

“Yeah, my mom won’t let me join armies,” said a warthog.

“I found this really interesting stone earlier and I was staring at it—so I’d better get back to that,” said the hippo.

“I’ll come and look at the stone with you,” said the zebra.

And the animals all walked and flew and slithered and scampered and swam away, leaving Alan all alone.

“Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear,” said Kevin sadly.

“I know,” said Alan. “Stupid animals.”

“What stupid animals?” asked Kevin.

“The ones who won’t join my ARMY.”

“Oh,” said Kevin. “Yes.”

“Why? What were you talking about?” asked Alan.

“You know that chocolate you had in your pocket?” said Kevin.

“Ye-es,” said Alan.

“I ate the chocolate,” said Kevin. “And the pocket. And it turns out pockets disagree with me.”