We’re watching the episode where Melody breaks the news to Hargreaves that she’s finally pregnant. Robert is inordinately pleased with himself. I can tell he thinks his performance – shock, disbelief and then joy – is award-worthy. Saskia plonks her way through the lines with all the subtlety of a carthorse at the ballet, pulling faces that – and I can only hazard a guess here – imply relief and happiness.
This morning I sweated up a storm next to her again. I’m thinking that, after it all kicks off, I should just keep going to the class. Doggedly stick it out so she feels she has to be the one to leave. Maybe mutter, ‘This town ain’t big enough for the both of us’ at her when she’s attempting to be zen. I know she could just switch to the earlier or later one, or go somewhere else entirely, but it would be a small victory. I know how much she loves her weekend routine.
I knew I was in for a treat because she texted me yesterday, saying, ‘Told R about S and J!!! He’s fuming! That’ll put the cat among the pigeons haha!!!’ I resisted about five different caustic stroke sarcastic replies and sent back ‘Haha!!! Amazing!!! Can’t wait to see what kind of mood he’s in this evening haha!!!’ I thought about adding some more exclamation marks or even another ‘haha!’ but I restrained myself in case she realized I was taking the piss.
I didn’t get a chance to ask her about it before class but, as soon as she joined me at the café (post-shower), I was all questions. What exactly did she say to him? Was he devastated? Did he agree not to go straight to Samantha and tell her what he now knew?
Of course, she’d had time to work out her answers.
‘I went to his dressing room,’ she said, all big eyes and fake excitement. ‘Which, as you can imagine, was a bit of a shock for him! It’s not often you’d find me in there!’
No, Saskia. Of course it’s not.
‘Samantha wasn’t in so I knew there was no chance of surprising them … you know …’
She waited for me to acknowledge that, yes, I did know.
‘I told him that, the day before, I’d walked past the window of her dressing room – hers is on the ground floor – and I’d seen her and Jez in a clinch. You should have seen his face! I said I thought he deserved to know, given he was risking his marriage for her.’
I arranged my face into a look of delight. ‘So what did he say?’
Saskia dabs at her mouth with her napkin then places it back on her lap. ‘Well, he swore, I can tell you that much. Quite a lot. Kept going on about what a bastard Jez was, so I said, “But he doesn’t even know about you and Samantha, I assume. I mean, she’s hardly likely to have told him.” ’
‘Genius.’
She smiles. The cat that got the cream. ‘I thought so. Anyway, he was fuming. Picked up his phone as if he was going to call her pretty quick, so I had to start begging.’
She adopts a grovelling pose, hands together in a prayer position, puts on a voice.
‘ “Please, Robert, don’t say anything. They’ll know it was me who told you” – oh, I forgot to say that I’d told him that they saw me. Samantha looked out of the window and our eyes met just for a moment. I said that I’d smiled and waved at her as if nothing was happening but that if anyone reported back to Robbie … Robert … she would know it was me –’
‘And he went for it?’
‘Not at first. I had to really lay it on thick about how I already felt half the cast hated me and I couldn’t bear it if I actually gave one of them a concrete reason to do so …’
You’d think I’d laugh at this point, wouldn’t you? I’m proud of myself that I managed not to. I just took a big sip of my juice. Held it in.
‘… Anyway, to cut a long story short, I said the thing about maybe I should find out if it was true for sure before he started throwing accusations around. Oh, and then just to make sure I said, “You don’t want to get into a fight with Jez, do you? So you need to have all your facts in place before you say anything.” Well, he went pale at that point, you can imagine.’
I laugh in what I think sounds like a delighted but cruel manner. ‘I bet he did.’
‘And then, of course, he agreed that he shouldn’t do anything hasty. I promised to keep my eyes and ears open and report back. I even told him I would try and start up a conversation with Samantha about Jez, without her suspecting anything, just to see what she says about him.’
Her story is starting to unravel a bit. There are holes in it wide enough to drive a truck through. I wonder if this is because she hasn’t practised as much as I thought or just because she thinks I’m such an easy touch that she can get away with telling me any old crap and I’ll believe her.
‘But she knows that you know, doesn’t she? Or, at least, Robert thinks she does. Wouldn’t he worry that, if you start talking to her about Jez, she’ll know what you’re getting at?’
She looks flustered for a split second but then she covers well. ‘Yes, of course, but I was banking on him not thinking rationally. That he’d just see my offer as a life raft and grab for it.’
I reward her with a big smile. I want her to think she’s won. ‘And he did, by the sounds of it. God, well done, you.’
‘It was a stellar performance,’ she says. ‘I really am quite proud of myself.’
‘So, what now?’
‘I’m trying to think. I need your help – you’re so much cleverer than me. Obviously, we want to keep this going, but we don’t want to push it so far that he confronts her.’
I pretend to think. ‘Although we do want him to break it off with her.’
‘Yes, but without her thinking it was anything to do with me seeing them. I mean, I don’t really care what she thinks of me, but I do not want to encounter the wrath of Jez, any more than Robert does.’
‘So …’ I pick up my latte, have a long drink just to keep her waiting. I always order both a coffee and an orange juice with our brunch. No wonder I always need the loo on the way home. ‘… We have two options. Either you tell him you’ve talked to Samantha and the Jez thing was a blip. It’s over before it’s even started. But that might mean he just forgives her and they carry on where they left off. Or … if we want to seed some proper doubts in his mind, we have to find a way to keep it going but not push things so far that he confronts Samantha. Not until we want him to, anyway.’
‘Exactly,’ she says. ‘I’m still clueless as to how.’
‘I think, for now, just tell him you haven’t had a chance to talk to her on her own, string him along for a bit, and then maybe throw him something like you overheard her asking someone where Jez was, or saying she was going to his dressing room to go over lines or something. Just enough to keep his paranoia going. He’ll start getting needy and suspicious and, hopefully, that’ll drive her mad. Especially as we know she isn’t really up to anything. Well, except the obvious.’
‘OK. I’ll do my best. This is quite exciting, haha!’
‘I’m really grateful, you know that.’
‘Oh, it’s nothing,’ she says magnanimously. ‘Anything to help you out. He shouldn’t get away with it. How are you coping?’
I lower my eyes. ‘Oh, you know. Hurt, disappointed. Furious. Mostly furious.’
‘Furious is good.’
‘I can’t wait for this to be over. To be honest, I just want him out of my life – well, as far out as he can be when we have a daughter together. I have absolutely no feelings left for him at all. None.’
‘I’m not surprised. And how was he on Friday night? Did he seem like a man who had just found out his mistress had something else going on on the side?’
‘He did seem in a funny mood, actually. I wondered if it was because you’d said something.’
Oh, please. Having to make myself seem like a gullible idiot is galling, to say the least. I watch as a smug smile takes over her face.
‘Haha! See, he’s rattled! I’ve got to him!’
I smile back at her. Yes, Saskia. Yes, of course I believe that’s the case.