Fuck, shit.
This is not what was supposed to happen.
After my little chat with Saskia in the garden I headed back inside and decided to try and locate Josh’s study. I wanted to be as prepared as I could be. Across the room, I could see Robert deep in conversation with a man I didn’t know. If he’d noticed me sneaking off to talk to her, he wasn’t giving anything away.
I wove through the groups of people in the living room, opened the first door I came to, but that turned out to be a cupboard. The next led to a flight of stairs. I was heading for the third door, thinking that must be where it was, when I became aware of Josh by my side.
‘It’s just through here,’ he muttered. He walked through a square archway and I followed, after a quick look around to check no one was watching. There was a door to the right that I remembered was the bathroom where I first struck up a conversation with Saskia. Josh opened the door straight ahead and went in. Confident that no one could see me in the little recess, I went after him. Shut the door behind us.
Inside was a small but beautiful room with dark wood bookcases lining the walls. There was a desk against the window, looking out on the tiny front garden and the road, with a computer and a pile of scripts on top of it. On either side of the (real) fireplace were two small leather sofas, each just barely big enough for two people.
‘This is it,’ he said. ‘So, if we sit ourselves here,’ – he indicated one of the sofas – ‘next to each other.’
‘OK,’ I said. My heart had started pounding again at the thought that we were actually going to go through with it.
‘Are you feeling ready?’
I nodded. ‘As ready as I’ll ever be. We are doing the right thing, aren’t we?’
‘Well, I don’t know about that, but we’re doing something to make ourselves feel better, so that has to be a good idea.’
‘I suppose.’
He put his hands on my shoulders. ‘Listen, Paula, we can back out any time we want. If either of us doesn’t want to go through with it, then we just forget it and wait for them to tell us the truth in their own good time.’
‘Oh God. It seemed like such a good plan, but now I feel as if we’re just being vindictive.’
‘Let’s remember we didn’t start this, though …’
‘I know. But do we want to sink to their level?’
He dropped his hands. ‘I don’t know. Shit, maybe this was a stupid idea. Shall we just forget about it? Your call.’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Neither do I.’
‘Fucking hell. We could toss for it.’
For a moment Josh actually looked as if he was thinking that might be a good idea. ‘We need to be a hundred per cent certain if we go ahead. Any doubt, we should bail out.’
I had no hesitation. ‘Let’s bail out then. Fuck.’
He laughed. ‘What a pair of idiots.’
‘Well, at least Saskia got a nice birthday party out of it.’
‘What if she decides that she’s so grateful she doesn’t want to leave me any more?’
I couldn’t help it. I started laughing too and couldn’t stop. I think we both had a case of mild, relief-induced hysteria.
‘We’ve made her fall back in love with you! All it took were a few canapés and half a glass of champagne.’
‘Shit! What have I done?’
I leaned against the desk, feeling slightly light-headed. ‘We should become marriage counsellors.’
‘Wife having an affair? Dress a runner up as a waiter – that’ll have her wanting to renew her marriage vows in no time.’
‘Don’t,’ I said, clutching my side. ‘I’m going to have a heart attack.’
‘Worried that your husband’s cheating? Offer him a bit of goat’s cheese and tomato on a stick.’
Eventually, we laughed ourselves out. I felt a lot better for it. Like I’d opened up a valve and let the pressure go down.
‘OK,’ Josh said finally. ‘We need to go back out there. Otherwise, they’ll be wondering where we are.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘Sure.’
And that was nearly that. We were almost home free. But then Josh took hold of my hand as I passed him on my way to the door – we had decided I should leave first and then he’d follow a few minutes later, just in case.
‘Seriously, though, I can’t wait for this to be over,’ he said.
I felt my stomach flip. ‘Me neither.’
‘It’s driving me crazy.’
I could have taken my hand away. Could have moved towards the door. Instead, I looked right at him and he held my gaze with his intense, beautiful brown eyes. I could hear the low music from next door, the murmur of voices.
He put his hand under my chin. I don’t know who made the first move, who kissed who but, next thing I knew, we were in a clinch like we’d been on a desert island and neither of us had seen anyone of the opposite sex in living memory.
Remember when you were a teenager and a kiss could last an ecstatic twenty minutes? When self-imposed boundaries meant you emerged the other end a sweaty ball of anticipation and arousal but still with your clothes more or less intact?
That.
I don’t know how long it lasted, actually. I know it felt incredible. I know it lived up to every fantasy I’d been allowing myself to indulge in since Josh reappeared in the café and told me it was over with Saskia. At the back of my brain, a niggling voice kept telling me that this wasn’t the time or the place, that we shouldn’t be taking a risk like this. But I ignored it.
And then there was a squeal. A noise that said someone had seen something they shouldn’t. And a ripple of laughter. Someone said, ‘Whoa!’ in a really loud voice.
‘Oh my God, sorry!’ a woman’s voice said.
It all happened so quickly. Josh and I stepped away from each other, both straightening our clothes, but it was too late. Gathered in the doorway was a group of three people, two men and a woman, none of whom I knew, which, I suppose, was some kind of a relief. Behind them, alerted by the squeal and the shout of ‘Whoa!’, about eight or nine more, including David and Grace. And, at the back of that little group, his face a mixture of shock and disgust, Robert.
‘This isn’t what it looks like,’ I said, although what else it could possibly be I couldn’t say.
I saw Robert turn and walk away, and my first instinct was that I should go and explain myself to him. I stayed rooted to the spot, though, because I couldn’t face fighting my way through the sniggering crowd.
‘Introduce us to your lady friend, Josh,’ said some tosser I recognized as the actor playing a brash young toff from the village ‘big house’. Several people laughed.
I heard David trying to shoo people away and was grateful that they mostly did as they were asked. I finally managed a look at Josh.
‘OK, fun’s over,’ he said to the stragglers, as if he’d just realized what was going on. ‘Let’s all go and get another drink.’ I could see him scanning the crowd for Saskia, as was I. Then I saw a huddle and, in the middle, a blonde head. She looked over just at that moment and caught my eye. She didn’t acknowledge me, just turned back and allowed herself to continue being ‘comforted’ by the crowd around her.
‘You OK?’ Josh said to me, under his breath.
He took hold of my hand, out of sight of the remaining few, and quickly squeezed it. That, more than anything, gave me courage. At least I never had to see any of these people again. Josh had to work with them every day – had to somehow garner their respect as the boss – for as long as he remained at Farmer Giles. I couldn’t even imagine how difficult that was going to be.
‘I need to go and …’ he said, indicating where Saskia was still standing at the centre of a small group, a sea of hands petting her.
‘Me too.’
I put my head down and braved the other room. I heard someone say, ‘Who is she, anyway?’ and I was glad for Robert’s sake that everyone hadn’t yet put two and two together.
There was no sign of him. I made my way towards the kitchen, giving Saskia and her friends a wide berth.
‘How could you?’ I heard her shriek, and I assumed that Josh had reached her. Everyone went quiet again, a captive audience. Saskia, of course, wasn’t going to miss this opportunity to play the wronged woman. Even though I felt bad for her – it can never be great having all your colleagues witness your husband copping off with another woman, whatever the state of your marriage – I also knew that we’d played right into her hands. Josh could be the bad guy, she could be the heartbroken, devoted wife. Everyone would understand why she had to kick him out and, if she took up with Robert a few weeks later, then who wouldn’t sympathize? Who wouldn’t turn to an old friend at a time of crisis?
I knew that, of course, Josh was way too much of a gentleman to turn around in front of all these people and tell her what he knew. He’d save that for later. He’d allow her to have her moment at the centre of a tragedy.
There was no sign of Robert anywhere and, when I wandered out of the front door, unsure where to look next, I saw that the car had gone. Great.
I couldn’t really face going home, and the recriminations that would follow, but I didn’t know what else to do. So I sat down on the steps and called an Uber. Of course, there was nothing in the area so I ended up waiting nearly half an hour, shivering in my summer dress, as the night had turned chilly, but way too self-conscious to go back inside to find my cardigan. And besides, for all I knew, the heartbroken character Saskia had created might have murderous tendencies.
Several people left as I was sitting there. A couple said goodnight, but mostly they just ignored me or I caught a snigger as they passed. Ironically, the only person who showed any concern was Samantha.
‘What are you doing sitting here, babe? You’ll freeze,’ she said, as she tottered towards her waiting (obviously pre-booked) taxi.
‘Waiting for my Uber. I’m fine. Thanks.’
‘Do you want me to wait with you? I don’t think you should be sat here on your own.’
‘No. That’s really nice of you to offer, but I’ll be OK.’
‘Or I could give you a lift – I’m going to Clapham, if that’s any good?’
‘Opposite way. Really, I’m fine.’
She went off eventually. It crossed my mind to try to explain to her what the situation really was. Specifically, how Saskia had used her name in her manipulations but, even to me, it sounded insane. Another time.
Just as my car arrived, my phone beeped and a message from Gail aka Josh appeared. ‘Where are you? Are you OK?’
‘On my way home,’ I replied.
‘Jesus, what a fucking mess. I’ll call you in the morning. All kicking off here xx’
I didn’t know what to say, so I just sent back ‘XX’. I didn’t imagine either of us was going to have a good night.