I wake up in George’s room, not knowing where I am. I lie there for a moment, taking in all her familiar things. Shelves full of books, a jumble of make-up, Stuffy, the bear that we gave her for her second birthday, the cute Cath Kidston suitcase we bought her before she found out she wasn’t leaving home yet after all. I give myself a minute to take it in and then I get up, making sure the bed bears no sign of me having slept there.
There’s no sign of Robert. The door to our bedroom is closed, so I assume he’s sleeping off his hangover. I leave him to it.
There are no more texts from Josh. No missed calls. I pull on my trainers, put a hoody over my pyjamas and head down to the street. I deliberately don’t take my mobile with me. I need to clear my head, and running is the best way I know how. Of course, I’ve forgotten I have no bra on, so I have to run with one arm strapped across my chest, but I manage about five kilometres anyway. By the time I get home my head is still buzzing, though. Georgia is home tomorrow and, whatever else happens, I have to make sure Robert doesn’t greet her by saying, ‘So, your mum got groped at the party in front of everyone …’
I need to talk to Josh and find out what’s going on. If Saskia’s told him everything, then Robert’s going to have to tell the truth eventually. I just need that to happen sooner rather than later.
He’s sitting at the kitchen table like a big angry bear when I walk in. If I was hoping sobriety and a good night’s sleep might make him see sense, I realize I was wrong when he says:
‘So. What have you got to say for yourself this morning?’
I pick up my mobile. I don’t even care that I’m going to call Josh in front of him. ‘Give it up, Robert.’
I hit on Josh’s number. It rings and rings again, and eventually clicks on to voicemail.
‘Not answering?’ Robert says with a smug look. ‘He’s probably begging Saskia to take him back right now.’
‘As if,’ I say. But I’m not feeling as confident as I was. ‘You’re ridiculous’.
‘You said some very hurtful things last night.’ Robert pours himself more coffee. He doesn’t offer me one.
‘Jesus Christ, Robert. Give it a rest.’
‘We can’t come back from this, you know. You and him.’
‘Forget me and Josh. There is no me and Josh. But yes, it’s over. It’s what I want, it’s what you want. It’s done. You and Saskia can run off into the sunset now. I’m past caring. I’ve been past caring for months, to tell you the truth. We just need to handle this like adults, for George’s sake.’
He looks at me levelly. ‘You should have thought of that last night.’
‘I have no intention of telling her about you and Saskia, if that’s what you’re worried about. We can just say we’ve decided to live apart for a while and then take it from there. I would never want her to think badly of you, whatever’s happened. You must know that.’
He still won’t budge. He’s assumed the superior position and he’s staying there.
‘That would be because there’s nothing to tell. What she’d think about her mother and some random man giving a room full of people a floor show, I have no idea, though.’
It’s all I can do not to punch him. He’s so pleased with himself, so self-righteous.
I hit Josh’s number again. Nothing. Where the hell is he? I think about all those times Robert moaned that he was weak, ineffectual. I know how persuasive Saskia can be. I know how much Josh values his marriage vows, even though his feelings for her have changed. It would be typical of the person I’ve come to realize she is if she convinced him to stay with her just to spite me.
I have no idea what to do.
And then the doorbell rings.