OK OK.

I am riting on this paper the old-timey way with a pen. This is my 5st copy and the last copy. Its no good I dont care. Kick me outa homeskool, what happens, Im alreddy home. Ha ha.

The Big Ant says OK OK git to work buster. Very funnish start but wut about yor topic title? How th’Irth Wint Rong. Tell me wut you has to tell, says the Big Ant. Hoo wins th’essay contist gits a hole ham for the wintir. Go for it, Hapless Joey. Yu needs it, yor wasting away, I kin see yor ribs thru yor parka. I kin see yor thinkings thru yor hairliss skalp. Yu gits ideers fast enuff. Put yor mind on the paje.

OK OK.

Big Ant sits an luks at papers from othr kids. Looks at papers.

Im not riting this over. She sits hirself up by th’stove nere the best hot part. She says she kint unnerstand a singul wird of wut she is luking at. I got to git myself unnerstud.

Topic title: How th’Irth Wint Rong by Hapless Joey @ homeskool. guv

(Big Ant says, that last bit. Homeskool dot guv. Thats fake. Britetime writing. From back in the days of internet and puters. Take it out she says. I dont. I think it looks cool. Maybe puters will be invented again. Sum day. Besides, shes not suppoz to tell me stuff. Thay want to see how I kin think for my self.)

I am Hapless Joey. I am not a liddle kid. I am not a groanup. I am tall as th’pegs for cotes in th’hallway. I waz liddle wonce now I’m not so mutch.

I liv in a shack. Hoo dont, yu say but lots dont. My dore gots a lock an my winders gots glass. I im here with my grandid Ole Joey an sometimes Big Ant come over. She suppoz to be fare but this hous is not so windy and cold as some so I gits mor uv hir time. That’s wy I cin rite so gud. Good. Big Ant is good teecher but she eets a lot. She’s Big Ant. She gots to close hir coat with a rope. Lurning me to rite makes hir hungerful I gess. Me to.

Note to Commity: This is Big Ant and I have no intrist in a ham or in getting out of the stupid bone-chilling cold. Hapless Joey has some wits about him so pay attention to what he says. Im not allowed to correct his work but I cant stand by and let him slag me off without pitching a comment about it. His house aint all that warm neither.

Also I aint that big, just got a big heart as any Sinner will tell you and a big heart needs a big rib cage to hold it and stout legs to stand it up and walk it about. I only use a rope around my coat becawse a dog cawt my belt onct when I was walking home with a chicken curry courtesy of Sector Admin. who admire my work with kids by the way.

I waz born a short time befor the Cold Time startd. My grandid tells me all the time abowt the wirld then. Its hard to beleve wut he says. I cint member I wuz a baby. But them pickchrs in buks books bux whatever, thay dont lie. I seen cars withowt rust an I seen green yards like blankets put down. The grass green awl so smooth. I seen a sky with no clowds, awl sweet an blu lik the cleanest sheet yu ever seen. In pickchrs I seen it, torn from books an hangd up in th Pickchr Plase calld the Multiplecks.

Bak then th’Irth was fuller. More warm. More cleen. Peepul culd fly arownd in metal rumez with wings an go here an there. Over to Yurup an Japan an Afrika. An other playcis that uzed to exist. Thay culd go an cum back like eezy peezy wuts the problim? Thay culd go on big ships ovir the water. Thay culd liv in Parisfrants or in Lundininglind or in Romittly. Thay dint think nuthin uv it, thay just livd like you an me. Well bettr then you an me becaws that wuz befor th’Irthsore happin.

The Big Ant says OK OK I got to rite abowt th’Irthsore. Thass my hole point. Th’Irthsore that chaynjd the wirld. That made Cold Time.

Back wen my parints wer yung an just chirchd, thay was a mom an a dad too, just like in sum of them pickshrs, th’Irth it wuz cleen and all ficksed up. Cars slid up and forth the streets. Sinners culd tawk on littl metel cards with numbrs on them. Thru th’air I meen, like if you had a frend in Berlinjerminy or Athnsgrese you just like sed sum numbrs an they sed sum numbrs back an it was like, Hi, how ar you, how is it over there in Parisfrantz or Kieroejipt. Evrybuddy did it all the time like it wuz nuthing spexial. Speshul. Spejal. Nuthing unyoujewel.

Note to Commity: This is Big Ant again an you see a brake here in the story because Hapless Joey smashed his pencil in distress. He spells better than most but that dont mean nothing to him. He wants to get it write. Thats what marks him owt for spexhul notice. I told him stop with bragging all those cities, theys all gone and you do yourself no favors reminding the Commity so he stopps. But he likes geogriphy and maps as you can see so planely. He started writing agin a few days later. Its with a color pencil but its still his wirk. He is good dont you agree.

I dont member enny uv this. Th’Irth before Coldtime. Its mor like a dreem sumbuddy have. But Grandid an Big Ant member fine an others to. Two. Too.

Grandid uze to go to liberry, an it uze to be free. Also opin. He culd reed most enything he wantd to. He unnerstands sum uv wat happind. He told me an now I im telling yu. Ywo. Yoo

Damm damm damm. I hate spelling its not lawful.

OK OK. I im bettr now.

Here is wat happind. Back then th’Irth wuz pirfect an men had jobs an cash and womin had soft yello hair an didnt need so many cotes. Thay culdn feel the cold I gess. It wuz a time of heros an moving stars on th’Irth. Grandid livd then so did Big Ant. So did my parints. Th’Irth wen I git born wuz still paradize only nobuddy new it wuz.

With awl the big masheens an stuff life wuz eezy an warm an lots uv food. An pepul culd go arownd the wirld to plases like Nirobiafrika. An China an Oztrailya.

The peepul all think thay is smartr than God. Thay make a mashine in the mowntens betwene France an Switzrland. It is big it is ugly it is powrfull. It makes the motes in God’s eye go fastr an fastr in a big tunnl a hunderd miles long. A sircul tunnl, rownd an rownd. Peepul calld Siontists thay study the spede uv the parts. The dust uv the wirld. The smithireens uv the planet. The motes uv God’s eye. Wow thay say wow, wow! wow! We make the crums an bits uv the wirld run fastr.

Wy du thay do this yu ask. Its a gud kwestchun. I do not no the anser.

Then wun day God gits mad at peepul playing with th’Irth. The peepul spin the motes so fast rownd an rownd thay meet themselvs coming the othr way. God lets it happn. God lets the durt in the tunnl hit itself. Hard. Thass wat peepul now think. I wuz only a baby but Grandid says he woke up during th’Irthsore an the hole morning was braking up lik threds on the edj uv a carpit.

It wuz 6 in the morning an he culd see me in my crib in the morning lite. My hands wir trying to clap but thay culdnt. Evrything in the wirld wuz pulling to wun side. Like static lectrisity back wen thay had lectrisity. My baby hand an the crib an the winder wir awl pulling. Brok up into eech othr. Lik meltd mud an snow an crud draggd awl wun way by a stick with fingrs. Grandids legs an the sheets wir awl pulling like taffy an he culdnt moove to git me. It stayd lik that for an owr or so then it poold back to normil.

But it wuz not the same normil. Maybe an owr or maybe time got pulld too.

Thay sed on the streets that the big tunnl cullapsd. Maebe it made a nu kind uv dust that dint like th’Irth. Or maebe it made a tiny mowth in th’Irth that wuz hungry an wantd to eet th’Irth. Or it wuz maebe spots uv Nothing an it dissolvd th’Irth as far as it culd. But Nothing cant exist by itself or nobuddy wuld notiss it, says the Chirch Man. Nothing ate the haff of th’Irth that wuz on that side. Wen it finishd haff it tride to go on but th othr haff of Nothing is Sumthing. It was ar haff of th’Irth so we stayd Sumthing.

The othr haff the dark haff is Nothing. No wun unnerstands wut is in it Nothing I gess. Haff a planit uv Sumthing, haff a planit uv Nothing. Pirfect balans.

Just darck. Darck Nothing.

Why is that I wunder.

OK OK. The end.

Note to Commity: Now you see what I am trying to show you. Hapless Joey is a good boy and he knows a lot. This is the best pece of riting I seen in four or five years. I think you shuld also know that his parents were in Moscow or someplace when the SuperCollider collapsed. Like half the wirld, they never been hird from again.

It is my belief he deserve the ham. I culd come get it just give the say-so.

Dear Big Aunt,

The Committee has reviewed the writing of Hapless Joey and agrees with you that he is special material. Will you bring him to Central next week, any day you like, and we will train him up to be a missile into the Dark Edge. We have only sent ten or twelve people in ten years, and one day one of them will come back and tell us what they found there. Hapless Joey may be the lucky one. His name is the opposite of lucky, and something is the opposite of nothing. Don’t tell Hapless Joey what he has won. He may need to grow up more to appreciate the honor. We don’t want him to run away.

You may keep the ham for yourself after you give him up.