| |
I didn’t go to the castle; I just walked. When I got to the line of trees, my hand bumped my knife. At the moment, I couldn’t stand having it on me and I plunged it into the nearest tree before taking off into the woods. “Hi, Gina,” I choked out when I got her voicemail. “Guess who? Well, they all know now. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” I sank to the ground. “And in case you couldn’t decode that, it really means I need you.” I hung up because I couldn’t say anything else, lost to tears.
Gina must have been working, because I stayed in my exact same spot until five after ten when my phone rang.
“Joan!” she sounded upset. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t check my phone until just now. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered. I was close to tears again. “Charlene told them all that Martin left me for her. That he cheated on me with her. I doubt Martin will be happy about that, but I hate how they looked at me. I don’t know if I can go back there.”
“Joan, I’m so sorry,” she said again. “I’d come if I could. You know I would.”
“Yeah,” I closed my eyes, blocking out the forest around me. “I know.”
“Do you want to come here? I’ve got a couch, or I could stay with you at your house. I’ll come pick you up.”
“I don’t know,” I said again. “What should I do?”
She was quiet for a long time. I knew she was still there because I could hear her breathing. “Joan,” she said at last. “I can’t tell you what to do. Do you want to come home?”
I thought about it. “No,” I said at last. “I don’t want to go home. I can’t go home.”
“Then you just want to get away from everyone,” Gina said. “So do it. I know you have days off, so find someone and go spend some time on yourself. Get away from Charlene and Martin for awhile. Charlene’s going to keep picking fights with you, and Martin’s probably going to want to side with his girlfriend, or whatever she is. If you can’t avoid them in the castle, then get out of the castle.”
“Maybe I should,” I said softly. I wiped at my eyes. “I hate feeling like this. Like I can’t do anything.”
“Don’t let the broken-hearted Joan make all the decisions,” she advised. “Find the independent Joan and let her take charge. The owner of the diamond arrow is strong enough to handle whatever comes her way.”
I stayed where I was a long while after I got off the phone with Gina. I didn’t know how to find the independent Joan. Independent Joan would blow Martin off and find someone else and ignore Charlene. Broken-hearted Joan knew exactly what she wanted right now, and she knew she wasn’t going to get it. Martin belonged to someone else now, which was the exact reason why I was so broken-hearted. Independent Joan hated being part of a soap-opera love triangle.
It was after midnight when I finally got up. I ripped my knife out of the tree, shoved it in the sheath, and strode towards the castle. “I’m done moping,” I muttered. “I’m a grown woman. I should have outgrown moping years ago.”
The gate at the wall was locked, but I knocked twice and after ascertaining who it was, the guard on duty let me in. “They’re all lookin’ for ya,” the guard said. “We didn’ know you was outside the wall. They’re plannin’ t’ search for ya.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I’ll inform them that I’m here.”
I entered the castle and caught a tired-looking page that was up late. “Aren’t you supposed to be missing?” he asked sleepily.
“Go tell them that I’m fine and get some sleep.”
“Yes, ma’am,” the page said, covering a yawn as he trotted off.
The guard at the door to my room didn’t say anything as I entered and locked the door behind me, but I knew he would be confirming that I was here, probably to Randall. Both Cathy and Mari were fast asleep. Cathy was asleep with her head resting in the window and I knew with a pang that she’d been watching for me.
She came slightly awake when I lifted her head gently from the window and guided it down to the pillow. “Joan?” she mumbled.
“I’m still here,” I said softly. “Go to sleep, Cathy. I’m right here.”
Her eyes drifted shut as she slumped back to sleep. I checked on Mari before climbing into bed myself. It didn’t take long before I fell asleep myself, hoping that tomorrow couldn’t be as horrid as today.
I woke up early the next morning and got ready for the day quietly. When I stepped out of the bathroom, both girls were still slumbering. I went over to Cathy’s bed and sat down. “Cathy,” I whispered softly. “Cathy.”
She opened her eyes blearily. “Joan?”
“Hi,” I whispered.
She blinked, then immediately wrapped her arms around me. “I was worried about you last night.”
I hugged her back. “I’m sorry, Cathy. I’m really sorry I disappeared like that.”
“Everyone was worried,” she said. “They couldn’t find you.”
“I had my phone with me,” I reminded her. “You didn’t call.”
“I didn’t think you had it with you,” she said, pulling back. She looked up at me. “I’m sorry about what Charlene said.”
I offered a half-smile. “It’s Charlene. I shouldn’t have expected anything else.” I kissed her cheek. “I’m leaving for the day. If you want to spend time with me today, then you’ll have to get up now. If you want to go back to sleep, that’s fine.”
She shook her head. “I’m going with you.” She hurried to the bathroom to dress. When she came racing back out for her hairbrush, I held it out to her.
“Can you do it?” she asked.
“Sure.” I followed her back into the bathroom, watching her brush her hair before parting it into three strands and starting a braid. “Do you want to use makeup today?” She and I had made an agreement that makeup was for special occasions, but she was always able to ask me for permission to wear it on normal days.
Cathy eagerly grabbed the makeup bag, carefully using the contents as I fixed her hair. I finished braiding and slipped a band onto the end, adding two little clips with butterflies to hold some of the looser wisps in place. “Don’t you look pretty now?” I asked softly, realizing it was very true. Cathy was going to be a real beauty soon.
“Not as pretty as you,” she said seriously.
I laughed. “You’re beautiful, Cathy.” I hugged her, smiling at her in the mirror. “Just like Mom was. You look just like her.”
“Really?”
“Of course,” I assured her. “Mom would agree.”
“And Dad too?”
I nodded. “Maybe even some of the pages too,” I teased, and Cathy beamed, grinning. Cathy had discovered boys over the past year.
The clock chimed outside. “Come on, let’s go before everyone else wakes up too,” I suggested.
Yal wasn’t outside the door yet, but I knew he would be soon. The guard at the door simply nodded to me as Cathy and I made our way out the door quietly, down the hall towards the kitchen. Norma was there and she eyed me. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you cause these disturbances just because you like the attention.”
I shook my head. “I wasn’t trying to get attention.”
“You had a lot of people worried yesterday.”
“My phone was on.” I had a feeling I was going to catch it for running off last night from at least a few more people. “I’m sorry if I worried you.”
She placed a tray of food in my hands. “I’d worry more about Randall. He doesn’t get angry often, but he worries over you like you’re one of his children. I’d make a good apology if I were you.”
“But...” Cathy started to protest.
I shook my head. “She’s right, Cathy. I shouldn’t have acted like that. I disobeyed orders and left you and Mari alone. I’m supposed to be watching you.”
“We’re not babies,” Cathy said, offended.
“It’s still my job.”
Cathy grumbled over this until I nudged her lightly. “Relax, sis. I can take it. Now if you two had gotten in trouble yesterday because I wasn’t there, I’d really have a dilemma.”
“We behaved,” she said hurriedly.
I gave her a level look. “So it wasn’t you who dumped horse manure on Charlene?”
Cathy grinned but shook her head. “She screamed really loudly when they started to hose her off. Mari and I watched. It was hilarious!”
Norma chortled, dusting her hands off. “It was that. Now go on, the two of you. I have work to do.”
We ate and then I sent Cathy back upstairs with Mari’s food. Since I was already wearing my guard’s uniform, I didn’t need to go to the guardroom, so I went outside to the practice field. I knew Randall would find me here, and he did after about fifteen minutes.
“Joan.” His voice was hard with a touch of anger, striding furiously to me.
I directed my gaze at the ground. “I’m sorry for last night,” I said softly. “I shouldn’t have behaved like that and I’m sorry I worried you and everyone else. It was irresponsible and improper of me to act so.”
He didn’t move for a long minute, then he gently raised my chin so I would meet his gaze. “You do know how to make a sincere apology,” he said with a glimmer of a smile. “And I want you to know if that if one of my daughters acted like that, I would have beaten her so hard she wouldn’t have been able to sit for a week.” He hugged me roughly.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered into his shoulder.
“I’m glad you came back,” he said. “Next time, at least let me know you’re okay.” He kissed my forehead.
I immediately felt a little better, just like I had with my father. “Norma was pretty sure you were going to ground me.”
“I considered it. And if you ever do this again, I will go to the king and queen and tell them you’re grounded.”
I had to laugh at that. “Before I go get in trouble with them too, is there anything I should know? Anything I missed yesterday or this morning?”
“They found two stable boys with their hands covered in horse manure,” Randall said, his face creased into a smile. “Turns out they wanted to get even with Charlene because she was rude to them. They were on their way to wash their hands when Norma collared them. I think if she’d known who it was they’d gotten, she would have let them go. As it is, they had to apologize to Charlene and they’re getting serious punishment all week for their prank. It’s a little lighter than it usually is just because everyone got a good laugh out of Charlene when they saw her.”
“I heard she was very loud when she was hosed off. I wish I’d seen it.”
Randall let out with a satisfied bark of laughter. “It might have helped you.” He directed his gaze behind me. “Do you want me to stay?”
I looked behind me and bit my lip. Martin was approaching, a thundercloud on his face. “No,” I muttered. “I should do this alone.”
Randall nodded and left. I redirected my gaze at the ground and prepared myself to give the same apology that I’d just given Randall.
I didn’t get the chance. “Guardswoman Ilion,” Martin snapped. “I do not know what you were thinking last night, or if you were even thinking! You are the princess’s guard and you cannot just disappear like that! If there had been a problem, you would have been at fault because you are responsible for Princess Mari’s safety.”
“My cell phone was on, sir.”
This didn’t seem to help. “You should have been here!” he shouted. “Instead, you disappeared without a word or explanation or a clue if you were coming back. By the crown, Joan, don’t you ever do that again!”
I noticed with silent humor that he was slipping. Whenever he tried to be professional, he didn’t use contractions and he always called me ‘guardswoman’ or by my last name, not by my first name. I’d worried him, not about Princess Mari, but because I’d been missing. For a brief minute, it brought a sense of relief. Then the painful memory of why I’d disappeared.
He stood in furious silence, jaw tight, as I stared wordlessly at the ground.
“Are you going to say anything?” he finally demanded.
“I apologize for failing to do my duty and protecting Mari and I accept any punishment you give me without complaint.”
He was quiet for a minute. “That’s not what I expected you to say, but then you have a habit of not doing what I expect from you, at least when it comes to us. I’m not a fool. I know why you disappeared and only you would apologize for shirking your duty instead of letting me have it.”
This was punishment enough. Just having to be around him as he talked about ‘us’ was almost more than I could bear.
“Joan,” Martin said, voice going soft and repentant. “I’m sorry,” he said, making the pain a little worse. He moved closer so that he was inches from me.
I took us both by surprise when I shoved him back and glared in his face. “Stop it,” I hissed. “Honestly, Martin, do you think I need you to make this worse than it already is? Stop thinking you have a claim on me because you don’t! This isn’t something that ‘I’m sorry’ will take care of! Charlene made it abundantly clear last night on where you stand, and if you think I’m going to be your woman on the side, or that you’re going to have a woman on the side while you’re with me, you’re sorely mistaken!”
“I...there’s no other woman,” he protested, still caught off-guard.
“Yeah?” I snapped. “That wasn’t always true, now was it?”
There was hurt in his eyes. I hated myself for causing it, but I also hated that I felt guilty for it.
I lowered my voice until I wasn’t shouting. “If you want to make it easier for both of us, then just leave me alone unless it’s business related. Better yet, just leave me alone until the end of the summer, because while you might want me back, be sure that I don’t want you back.”
I watched the range of emotions across his face before he made his face calm and his eyes inscrutable. “Back to your duties, Guardswoman. You have wall duty in half an hour.”
I redirected my gaze at the ground, curtseyed, and left. He still couldn’t do it. He would have been right for punishing me, and only because it was Martin was I getting out of it. Part of the reason I was getting off could very well be from guilt, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to feel guilty or not.
I needed to be alone, so I snuck to the cellar, staring blankly at all the barrels stretching back in rows along the walls until they disappeared into blackness and I could no longer see them. I didn’t move when Norma came down the stairs, but she looked a little surprised to see me.
“I didn’t realize you were down here,” Norma said.
“I’ve been coming down here a lot lately,” I said quietly. “I’d appreciate it if certain people never found out.”
“Understood,” Norma said briskly. She moved among the barrels, tapping some, checking others. “You planning on going on wall duty?”
“I have fifteen minutes.”
“I ask because the queen wants to see you.”
I sighed. “Probably to either reprimand me or to sympathize with me.”
Norma chuckled. “She worries about you.” She found one barrel she liked and started rolling it towards the stairs. “I’d avoid the stables today if I were you. Two boys will be cleaning it from top to bottom.”
I gave a grin to her laughter as she disappeared with the keg.