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I rose with the sun like usual, enjoying my few minutes of peace and solitude before I woke the girls and began my day. Yesterday had been fun, visiting Norma’s sister-in-law and shopping with Cathy. Cathy had loved every minute, and she was especially looking forward to the wearing a few of the beautiful dresses we’d seen in the window of the dress shop. I had been less enthused, but I had to admit that the dresses were beautiful. I just felt more comfortable in something less delicate. I didn’t have to worry about ruining a pair of jeans by stepping on the hem, and jeans were replaceable while these dresses were definitely not. Still, I’d ordered several designs for each of us to be sent to the royal dressmaker, and had endured the measurements for the fittings that went with the material and patterns.
I endured the teasing from the other guards about my day off and the questions about if I’d picked up any guys. I mentioned that Cathy had been flirting with a Gail Kuzsova and then they’d turned on Neal. Gail was Neal’s brother, one of about eight. “That would make me your brother-in-law,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.
“That means you wouldn’t be able to flirt,” I teased. “And then you would have nothing to live for.”
“I’d be related. That would be enough.” He winked at me.
I laughed and shrugged on the last layer to the guard’s uniform. “I’ve got to talk to Tatum about something. I’ll see you during lunch.”
Tatum was waiting for me in our usual meeting place. “I will be busy today and for the next few days. You will still need to practice your dancing, but I will not be there to observe. Tomorrow you will need to visit the royal dressmaker and discuss your apparel with her and the queen.”
I made a face and he let out a rare chuckle. “You will have to make time for the fittings, and make sure your sister is also properly dressed.”
“She says you’ve been teaching her how to waltz.”
“She does not need to know it as badly, but she needs to be proficient. She has progressed very quickly.”
“Just say it. She’s the graceful, feminine one and I’m not.”
His mouth twitched. “I believe you are plenty graceful and feminine, but yes, your sister has a natural talent for dancing. She and Princess Mari have been practicing with a few younger pages, which I have observed occasionally.”
I tucked my hands in my pockets. “Thanks. For taking care of her. For putting up with me,” I said seriously. “I’m sure it hasn’t been easy, but I wouldn’t have been able to go to this peace conference otherwise. So, thanks.”
He blinked, then bowed in acceptance. “I will see you in a few days.”
I went to wall duty, then found Remy and went to practice with him. My mind was busy, so I didn’t notice how quiet he was as we spun around the ballroom to the music. Then, to my shock, Remy stepped on my foot, and we stopped. “Sorry,” he said.
I noticed lines around his eyes that indicated weariness. “I thought I was the one that was supposed to step on other people’s feet,” I said teasingly. He’d never stepped on my feet before, even at my worst moments.
He flashed a smile that looked tired. Weariness radiated from him and my heart went out. “Remy, go get some sleep.”
“I can’t.” He checked his watch and fought a yawn. “After this, I have wall duty.”
I frowned. “But you just got off of wall duty!”
A spark of amusement lit in his tired eyes. “I’ve been running a lot of shifts lately. Martin’s put me on overload.” He ran a hand through his black hair as if he could drag the weariness from his brain.
My eyes narrowed. “Are you telling me...?”
“I’m just saying that Martin’s got me working overload.”
Which meant that Martin was giving Remy lots of work because he was jealous. “Remy, go get some sleep,” I repeated. “I’ll take your shift. You need to be able to see straight.”
“Appreciated,” he said, fighting another yawn. “I’d argue, but I think I’d start snoring.”
I went straight to find Martin and approached. He was inspecting a guard’s weapon outside the castle. “I would like to speak to you, sir,” I said firmly.
I could tell he was a little surprised I was speaking to him. He waved the guard away, his blue-green eyes studying me, and the man quickly took his leave. “Yes, Guardswoman?” he said.
“Cut it out.”
“Excuse me?”
“Stop being jealous. Don’t take your anger out on Remy. If you wanted to be my waltzing partner, then you shouldn’t have picked Charlene over me. It’s not Remy’s fault. I’m running his shift because you’ve overworked him and he’s too tired to stand. He used to be your friend, and if you’re going to ruin that, then I hope that Charlene is worth it.”
Now his eyes sparked with visible anger. “Do not lecture me, Guardswoman,” he said in a steely tone. “How I handle those under my command is not your concern.”
“I’m not talking about your command,” I snapped back at him. “I’m talking about the basic formalities of friendship. If you’re going to be jealous, then I suggest that you learn to deal with it in ways that won’t affect the people I choose to spend my time with. Quit giving Remy excessive duties.”
He looked almost as angry as I felt, but he only said in a clipped tone. “It appears you have wall duty, Guardswoman.”
“It appears I do,” I responded, tone biting. “Enjoy your date, sir.”
*
MARTIN DIDN’T BELIEVE she could put any more scorn into the word ‘date’ than she just had. How had she known that he was going to spend time with Charlene?
Her glare told him the answer; Charlene had probably broadcasted it all over the castle.
He realized with some frustration that he couldn’t very well apologize. She wouldn’t accept it and she was already too angry with him to listen. And he didn’t want her angry. He didn’t want her avoiding him. He didn’t want the distance that had come between them. He’d missed her all the months before, but knowing she was nearby just made missing her all the more painful. And frustrating. He searched her face, looking for something that showed she was suffering too, that it wasn’t as easy to dismiss their relationship as she made it seem. The only reason he was allowing Charlene to broadcast their ‘date’ now was because this was the one where he called it off and told her goodbye. Not that she’d listen, but he’d say it. If he could, he’d tell Joan that. But her expression told him an apology would be a waste of breath.
He was about to try anyway when Charlene appeared; voice purring as she plastered herself to him. “Martin, are you almost done?” she asked sweetly.
Martin could see the fury and, because he was watching carefully, the shot of pain that was clear in Joan’s eyes for a moment before fury swallowed it. Her face was blank in a look he was tired of, but he could see exactly what Neal had said. He knew that at this moment he was pushing her farther away. “To your duties, Guardswoman,” he said, which was all he could say.
*
HIS EYES WERE APOLOGIZING as he finally figured out that I was locking another door that would keep him out of my heart forever. My returning glare let him know I wasn’t taking his apology, not like this and not now. I bowed to him, turned to go, and Charlene’s syrupy sweet voice said, “Guardswoman, did you forget me?”
I stopped, stiffly turned around, and gave a jerky bow, slight, and not to the proper depth. It was a bow that might have been given to a kitchen maid. Charlene’s face flushed and she quickly snapped at me, “That was not correct, Guardswoman.”
“I will have to be sure to study that then, when I am with Tatum next,” I said blandly, then turned and strode off, ignoring the huff that indicated her wounded pride.
“Martin, aren’t you going to stop her?” Charlene demanded.
I walked faster, knowing that if Martin ordered me to bow properly to Charlene that I would resign from the guards that moment. He didn’t call out to me, and I hit the door before Charlene could coerce him into doing it.
Liam looked a little surprised when I arrived at the spot on the wall. “Where’s Remy? Why are you on duty?”
“I’m covering his shift.” My voice clearly showed my anger.
“Ah, so you found out.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Does everyone know?”
“Most of us. He didn’t want you to know. How’d you find out?”
“He looks like he’s sleepwalking, that’s how,” I said bitingly. “How long has this been going on?”
“Since Remy said he needed to change shift so he could practice waltzing with you.”
I took a deep breath and let it out in what was supposed to be a calming breath but ended up as a furious snort.
“Do you need to take a minute?” Liam asked in partial amusement.
“No,” I snapped out. “I will run into Charlene and strangle her.”
“Not if you go to wherever you’ve been hiding.” His tone was curious. “Where are you hiding?”
“Cellars. And I swear if you tell anyone, I’ll kill you.”
“No, you wouldn’t,” he replied breezily. “You like me too much and you never kill.”
This got a small smile out of me. “True. How long is this shift?”
“Eight hours.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “There’s no way Remy could stay awake that long. He doesn’t look like he’s slept in three days.”
“More like four.”
I gaped at him in disbelief.
“You said it yourself, Martin’s jealous. He’s dealing with it in a different way than you.”
“When did I say I was jealous?”
“By the crown, Joan,” Liam chuckled. “You, Charlene, and Martin are practically glowing green with jealousy. That’s why Charlene’s snippy and always hanging on him, why Martin’s sending Remy on perpetual wall duty, and why you’re so mad and always avoiding him. You’re hiding it better than the other two, but there’s no way you can’t be jealous.”
All anger drained out of me as I slumped against the wall. “My life is a soap opera.”
Cathy came on the wall then, looking around. “Joan! There you are!”
“Hey, Cathy,” I said. “What are you doing up here?”
“Mari wants you to play with us.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I have wall duty for the next eight hours.”
Cathy made a face. “If we come up here, can you play with us?”
“I have to watch for enemies,” I said gently.
“But there’s no more war,” Cathy protested. “Who are you watching for?”
“World peace hasn’t come yet, sis. I’ll see you tonight, before you go to sleep, all right?”
“All right,” she sighed. She hugged me and headed back to Mari’s room.
“Would that our princess was that agreeable,” Liam said with amusement.
“She’s getting there. She’s not used to not getting her way. Cathy’s used to being by herself. Dad and I worked a lot. With Dad gone, she doesn’t see a lot of me some days.”
“I’m sorry things aren’t easier for you.”
“Life would be boring if it were easy.”
“Do you want to vent?”
I debated it. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. But not here.”
He winked at me. “The cellars.”
“I thought that was my go to spot.”
“Before last year, it was everyone’s go to spot. Olson the creep was the one who made it all but illegal for anyone to go down there. We’ve since found other places, so I don’t think anyone will bother us.” He shifted a little. “How did you hear?”
“Hear about what?”
“The reason we’re standing on wall duty.”
I was confused. “Don’t you normally have guard duty?”
Now he looked surprised. “You didn’t hear then. Well. I thought what you said about world peace...”
“I thought this was normal. You didn’t get into another war, did you?”
He gave a half-grimace, shaking his head. “No, not us. But war’s been spreading. Linson, Florinda’s home country, they’ve had some...issues. And the same group of people has been creating issues all over the English Region.”
“There must be a lot of people in this then. Why haven’t I heard? And why haven’t we had any issues?”
“There’s no trace of rebellion here with all the measures we took afterwards. Things started spreading in the last six months or so, but it never managed to get a foothold here.”
“How dangerous is this group of people?”
“Very dangerous.”
“Inciting rebellion?”
Liam shrugged. “People can always find thing to be unhappy about. Since Valeria was close to losing their freedom and royal family, anyone who says anything about how we’d be better off without them is told to shut up or leave Valeria.” He gave a half-smile. “Nothing like a war to bring out patriotism.”
“Is Lendia having any problems?”
“Not as badly. Things have been unstable there, but Joe reports that everyone’s just watching to see what happens. If King Nadem lost his mind, like his father did, then I think there would be a rebellion, but Joe says people are responding well to the new king’s rule.”
I relaxed a little. “Dimitri is a good king. He’ll keep his country together. Does Joe get to see his nephew often?”
“He visits in person about once a month with the official ambassador. Having strong ties to Valeria has actually helped stabilize their country. It’s helped that trade has opened up again.”
“Selling all your arrows?” I asked dryly.
He flashed a grin. “No one makes better arrows than us. If you want good fletchers, everyone in the world knows you get Valerians.”
As if speaking his name had called him, Joe was making his way around with two people following behind him. “Health check,” he said to us. “I’m clearing the Elite Guard for travel today.”
“What are those?” I asked, eyeing the case one of the assistants had.
“Immunizations. Your sister was surprisingly knowledgeable about what shots both of you have taken.” Joe rested his hands on Liam’s head, sending his power through him. “Breathe in.”
“My sister likes science. Always has. She won the science fair last year and this year. This year, she studied how vaccines work. Are yours similar to ours?”
“They’re exactly the same. When the borders opened, we went over and studied your advances in medicine and copied them. The other shamans and I fought for that assimilation. Don’t tense,” Joe said to Liam as he accepted the needle from the assistant holding the case.
“Why do you call yourselves shamans?” I asked curiously. “My tribe would call you a medicine man. Shamans were conjurors.”
“I suppose the easiest way to describe it would be that we conjure healing.” Liam winced as Joe administered the shot. “Here, conjurors and healers were the same person. Some of us would like to relinquish the old-fashioned title of shaman, but as there is no clear consensus on what else we would be called, we stick with the title of shaman.” Joe handed the spent needle back to the assistant and rested his long fingers on my head. “Your turn. Breathe in.”
I obediently breathed in, his fizzing power flowing through me, searching for problems. “Any shots for me?” I asked when he let go.
“You’re up to date. Your sister is as well.”
“Traveling to foreign countries, even if it is through a portal, I thought it best if she had the most protection.” I watched the other assistant make notes and checks on her clipboard. “Do you like being called a shaman?”
“It’s who I am,” he said simply. “I wouldn’t want to be called anything else. The respect for the shamans won’t be enhanced by a new title. It ties us to our history, and it’s a lineage I’m proud of.”
“Did you descend from an Indian tribe then?”
“If I did, my family lost track of the line several generations ago. It wasn’t, and still isn’t sometimes, popular to be related to someone from the Flip Side. Our abilities didn’t transfer to you, so whoever left us for a family in the Flip Side often stayed there because their spouses and children lost the ability to see us and cross through the gate at thirteen. Though I wonder if there are more like you out there that simply haven’t been discovered yet.” He checked the list that the assistant offered to him. “I need to get the rest before they leave. You’re both cleared for travel. Liam, watch your diet. You aren’t eating enough vegetables.”
“I swear my mother puts him up to that,” Liam grumbled as Joe and his assistants left. “He says it every time he checks me over.”
I laughed.
We settled into general silence, taking a short break for dinner, which Remy brought up. He still looked tired. He thanked me again for taking wall duty, offered to finish it, and I firmly ordered him to go home and go to bed. He grinned and left, leaving Liam and me to finish wall duty while the sun slowly sank, bringing the sky into a show of beautiful colors before fading to a little red glow, which was when the other guards showed up. They relieved Liam and me, and we headed towards the cellars.
“So?” Liam asked, settling on the bench as I slumped down next to him.
I shrugged miserably. “Life sucks.” I rubbed my forehead.
“Am I going to have to get you liquored up first?”
I gave a short laugh. “I’m not drinking, not tonight.” I got to my feet and started pacing. “Where do I start? Cathy’s freaking out because her thirteenth birthday is in a couple months and she’s scared that she won’t be like me. She’s worried that I’m going to get tired of taking care of her and dump her in foster care. Meanwhile, I have to protect her and Mari from the governess witch who flaunts Martin in front of me because she knows I still care. Everyone’s acting like the mention of Martin will make me fall apart and collapse, and these ridiculous diplomat lessons make me want to shoot myself.”
“I thought you were doing better as a diplomat.”
“Which is the only reason why I haven’t killed Charlene yet.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “So today when I find out Martin’s making Remy’s life miserable, I had to deal with the fact that everyone else is involved in our little spat and I hate it. Remy shouldn’t be suffering and it’s all because Martin’s an idiot or I’m just not worth as much to him as I thought I was.”
Liam patted the bench and I slumped down next to him again. “I can’t explain why Martin’s made his choices. I can assure you, however, that whatever happens between the two of you, the rest of us understand.” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “Martin made the mistake, and you’re dealing with it as best you know how. Which, to Remy’s disappointment, has not included ripping Charlene off Martin and punching that pouty look off her face. I assure you he would enjoy that, and so would most of the rest of us.” He squeezed my shoulder in comfort. “What’s this about Cathy and foster care?”
Irritation crossed my face. “I went to the courts and I got full custody of Cathy as her guardian. The judge asked me if I was sure I could handle it, and asked if I was sure I wanted to be Cathy’s guardian. I understood it. He didn’t know me and he was trying to make sure Cathy would be okay, and I proved to him I had the means to take care of her.” I shook my head. “But Cathy seemed to think I’d considered it. Then one of her friends said I would tire of taking care of her all the time and eventually dump her in a foster home because I only wanted to go out and party. Something I’m sure she heard from her mother.” I hissed through my teeth. “Cathy called me in tears. Ever since then, Cathy’s been afraid that it’s happen. She’s especially afraid that I’ll resent her if I can’t come back to Valeria after this summer. Liam, she lost her father, she still cries at night sometimes, and that pretense of a friend told her that I didn’t want her! That I would dump her in a foster home and go party!” Indignant and furious, I stood and paced again. “And I can’t convince Cathy that it won’t happen.”
“What happened to the kid?”
“She and Cathy no longer talk and her mother hates me for making her precious, little angel cry.”
Liam offered a smile as I sat down again. “Deep down, I know Cathy understands where your loyalties lie. And we know you won’t fall apart. We’re just trying to do what we can to help you while you struggle.”
I rested my head on his shoulder. “Thanks. I guess things are better, but there are days when I wish that Cathy wouldn’t be like me so I wouldn’t have to come back. I’m afraid this isn’t going to get better.”
He draped his arm around my shoulders. “Broken hearts take time to mend,” he said gently. “And I know you’re angry, but you’re not the only one with a broken heart.”
I sat up and stared at him. “Martin?”
He simply nodded.
That only made me mad. “Him? He has a broken heart? He didn’t come to the Flip Side and find me making out with another man! He didn’t figure out that I’ve been lying to him for months! He’s the one who decided to engage in two relationships and fail to understand that I wasn’t going to put up with it!”
“You don’t see how he’s hurting,” he said quietly. “You’re avoiding him, and he knows that’s what you’re doing.”
“He’s got Charlene. She was enough for him before.” I rubbed my eyes to stop them from stinging with tears.
“Like I said, Joan, you deal with jealously in your own way. He’s dealing with heartbreak in his own way. He was wrong to cheat on you, that I’ll agree with, but he would make it right if you would let him.”
“Then what is he doing with her?” I asked, frustrated.
“Charlene can make him forget.” He pulled me back to his shoulder and rubbed my back. “She can make him hurt less, just like you turn to your sister and Mari. But he doesn’t want her.”
I couldn’t reply to that and Liam kept going. “Martin broke the rules, technically, when he engaged in a relationship with you. He’s lived by those rules his entire life. He didn’t have family, so he made himself by finding his place. He cared enough to break those rules and date a member of the royal guard.” He nudged me, in case I didn’t know who he was talking about. “He broke the rules when he left to go after you in Lendia, and gave up everything he’d worked for his entire life. That wasn’t a light decision for him, but it wasn’t one that took much time to come to. The instant he heard you were gone, he wanted to follow. When King Alan said no, he quit his job and followed. If you’d give him a chance, then he’d come back.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that either. I knew how much Martin’s job meant to him.
“You’ll get there,” Liam said kindly. “Try to tell him how you feel. He needs to hear it.”
“It’s easier to hate him,” I said miserably, with a pathetic attempt at humor.
“Is it? Is it easy to hate someone you love?”
I sighed. “I hate it that you’re right.”
He kept rubbing my back. “I know. And since you were there for me, I’m just returning the favor. If you wanted to get drunk, I’d stop you from decking Martin.”
“You’d probably bring Martin down so I’d say all this to him.”
“Give him a chance, Joan. If you want my advice, it’s the best thing you can do.”
After a little more time of sitting in silence and thinking, I said I had to go upstairs and say good night to Cathy. He made me promise I’d think about what he said before I went to my room while he headed to the guardroom.
Cathy and Mari were dressed for bed, but awake and waiting for me. When I entered, in a quiet and contemplative mood, they sprang up and shrieked gleefully while beating me with their pillows. I found myself smiling as I snatched Mari’s pillow and proceeded to thump her unmercifully, laughing at her shrieks and giggles to stop. Cathy abandoned her pillow and leapt on my back. I staggered briefly at her weight before turning on her, ticking her unmercifully until she dropped on her bed and I could better get her. Mari came to save Cathy, and I kept Cathy cornered on the bed while I tickled Mari now, and it wasn’t long before she was screaming in laughter too, trying to wiggle away and failing.
“Yal!” she called. “Yal! Help!”
Yal was standing at the door, a broad grin on his face. “I only come in if there’s danger, Your Highness.”
I tickled Mari for another minute, then I stopped and flopped back on the bed. “And let that be a warning next time you try to ambush me,” I said with mock severity, ruined because I was laughing.
“I think you have it covered,” Yal said. “Good night, Joan.”
“Night, Yal. Thanks for the warning!”
“I made him promise not to tell,” Mari said smugly as Yal exited, chuckling. “I ordered him, and he swore on his sword.”
I gave a hug to both girls. “Now that you two have had your fun, you both need to get some sleep. Good night, Mari.”
“Good night, Joan,” she said, hugging me back before snuggling deep under her covers.
“Good night, Cathy,” I said, watching her snuggle under the blankets in a similar manner.
“G’night, Joan,” she said a little sleepily. “Love you.”
“I love you too,” I whispered softly. Then I turned the lights off, except for my lamp. When I came out of the bathroom, changed and ready for bed myself, both girls were sound asleep, giving me a few minutes of peace before I turned out the lamp by my bed and went to bed. Liam’s words turned over in my head, and although I struggled to discount them, I knew Liam had spoken the truth.
Frustrated, I turned over and pulled the pillow over my head as if to hide from the thoughts and ordered my mind blank. Eventually, I fell asleep.