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It seemed that our conversation had an effect on us both, because I saw Martin multiple times over the next two days and he was never with Charlene while I worked on not hating him. I still stayed professional and distant, but I didn’t ignore him, and he seemed to see that I was trying.
Remy appeared at the seamstress’s door just after lunch. “Hey, I thought you were hiding from...” He stopped, eyes wide.
“Stop it,” I said crossly. “You’d think you’d never seen me in a dress before.”
“Once,” he said instantly. “During King Nadem’s coronation.”
“So stop gawking!” I let out my breath. “How do I look?”
“Step down, please,” the seamstress said, standing and stepping back, inspecting me critically.
I stepped off the stand, the silver and green dress flowing with me. There was silver embroidery running down one side of the dress in flowers on the deep green fabric, and the entire dress had kind of a shimmering quality. My hair was braided, but had been arranged so it was in a bun of some sort. I was more focused on not ripping the dress by stepping on the hem in my new, silver shoes.
Remy’s voice was all serious when he offered his hand and said, “You look like a true lady of wealth and stance in the court.”
I gave a shy smile. “Thanks, Remy,” I murmured.
“I believe that fits,” the seamstress said with satisfaction. “You may go to the queen.”
“Thank you,” I told her again.
She waved her hand at me. “It was nothing.”
“Sixteen dresses are nothing?”
She smiled. “I am being paid very well. Represent Valeria well, and it will be payment enough from you, madam. Now go.”
I went with Remy, who was grinning hugely. “I did think you were trying to skip out on our proficiency when you didn’t show up for lunch and no one had seen you today.”
“I’m been with the seamstress all morning, and so has Cathy.”
“Neal was sure you’d taken Cathy and run.” He tugged on his own suit. “And how do I look?”
I was honest. “You look great, Remy. I’ve never seen you in a suit before.” His black hair had been recently trimmed and he smelled faintly of some kind of cologne. I stopped at the door to the throne room, hearing the buzz of a crowd. “Great,” I muttered. Then I took a deep breath and nodded to Remy, and we entered.
The first set of people noticed us and they hushed, everyone quieting for a brief minute. Then the buzz started, louder this time. Remy had a touch of a smug smile on his face as he walked with me down the aisle, towards the queen. She gave a gentle smile and a nod of approval.
Everyone was dressed up too, because the queen wanted to simulate a real ball and make sure everyone would be dressed appropriately, but they were all staring at me.
“Why are they staring?” I whispered.
“Because you’re never dressed up,” Remy said in a tone that matched mine. “You’re always on duty. And you look beautiful.”
I saw Martin standing next to the queen. He looked stunned, then his eyes softened for a brief moment. If I had been able to see Charlene’s aura, it would have been the same deep green as my dress from jealousy.
Remy and I bowed and curtseyed to the queen, and she motioned for the orchestra to start. Even they were dressed up. One boy about the age of sixteen, a prodigy on the violin, wasn’t paying attention, too busy goggling, and was whacked on the head before he started playing. I suppressed a giggle. His infatuation had been clear while I learned to dance and he played, and it appeared he was still smitten.
Remy bowed to me, I curtseyed to him, like everyone else doing the same thing, and then we started dancing. It was so easy now, and I couldn’t help but smile at Remy. He smiled back, knowing I was finally feeling that I was competent enough at waltzing to fit in. “Looks like all your worrying was for nothing,” he said as he spun me in a complicated step that I executed perfectly.
“Thanks to you,” I said.
The song came to an end, the next one started, and Liam tapped Remy’s shoulder. “May I?”
Remy handed me over, accepting the hand of Liam’s female partner.
“It looks to me like you’ve got waltzing licked,” Liam said as we danced.
“I’ve put in a lot of hours on this. I had nightmares about tripping and falling on some prince from another country.”
Liam chuckled. “You dance better than some Valerians.”
“Those people aren’t going, and you dance better than I do.”
“I’ve been doing this for years, Joan. I’d hate it if you could dance and fight better than me.”
I giggled, feeling much better about myself. I danced for a solid hour, during which I rotated through the Elite Guards, each of them claiming a dance. Finally, after the end of the song I’d partnered with Neal, who had been more serious about this dance and much more graceful, Queen Florinda spoke. “It appears that everyone is ready for the peace conference, which is good because we start traveling in one week.” Her mouth twitched slightly. “However, I think I need to point out one person who has put in the most work and effort.”
“Oh, no,” I muttered. Around me, the servants, nobles, and guards were all grinning at me. They knew who Florinda was talking about.
“Lady Joan Ilion,” she said, as I knew she was going to, “you have progressed immensely and I believe you need an encore.”
I gave a silent, resigned sigh and stepped forward, searching for Remy, a calm smile on my face. He met me at the cleared space created by the crowd so we would have plenty of room. “My lady,” he said, bowing.
I curtseyed to him and took his offered hand, and the orchestra struck up one last song. During this song, when everyone’s eyes were on me, I kept my eyes on Remy, and he showed me off at every opportunity, using every step he’d taught me, and while I made one minor error, I was wearing a smile when the song came to an end. The crowd burst into applause. Remy bowed once, then stepped back, leaving me alone to accept the applause. My eyes went to Randall, looking like a proud father, while the applause wound down.
“Thank you, everyone,” Florinda said. “I suggest you start preparing for travel. May we be safe on our journey as we try and make peace stronger through the English Region.”
The crowd broke up, talking among themselves, and I went to talk to Florinda. “Does that mean I pass?” I inquired.
She smiled. “You did wonderfully, my dear. I’m very proud of you. I believe that the seamstresses did an excellent job on the dresses, if that one is anything to judge by.”
I smoothed the dress. “She did do an excellent job,” I agreed. “But I’d like to go change now. These shoes are killing my feet.”
She laughed and waved her hand at me, indicating I could go.
Remy was waiting by the side door. “I knew you’d want to make a quick exit. I have something for you.” He offered a little box. “From friend to friend, because it seemed my paycheck was much larger than normal.”
I opened the box and my eyes widened. It was a silver necklace, and the charm was a small, silver rose.
“It’s customary to get a flower for your partner,” Remy explained. “So I thought I’d get you this, for all the times I didn’t get you one.”
I stared at the charm for a minute, then I pressed a kiss to Remy’s cheek. “Thanks, Remy,” I said softly. “For everything.”
The next few days were a whirlwind of activity. I didn’t have any lessons, but I was just as busy. I had to help Cathy and Mari pack, mostly just Cathy since Charlene was taking charge of Mari’s clothes. I also had to keep the girls entertained and out of the way as the rest of the castle packed and became increasingly grumpy over the stress of doing so with three days left until our travels began. Wall duty was the calmest time of the day. Inside, guards had been called at least six times to break up fights.
“Joan. Joan. Joan!” Neal called, waving his hand in front of my face.
I jerked and came back to earth. “Sorry, what?”
“I don’t think you’re doing much guarding from dreamland,” he teased. “What’s on your mind?”
I shrugged. “Just stuff.” What I wouldn’t say was that Martin had been on my mind. I kept remembering what he and Liam had said, and I had been thinking about doing something. I just wasn’t sure what I should do. I had noticed he wasn’t spending any time with Charlene, and I could tell by her increasing bad temper that she didn’t like it.
“I was going to tell you that we have a meeting when we get off shift in a minute or two. All the Elite Guard, to make sure we have everything ready.”
I nodded. “I should be ready. I’ve packed and repacked three times to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything.”
“Worried?”
“Only a lot.” I brushed my fingers over the diamond arrow. “I’m keeping this with me because I’m terrified of losing it. I’ve only been told a dozen times a day that I can’t forget it.”
He chuckled. “We’re going to Linson first. They won’t be so critical, and you’ll have your chance to scope out how to be a diplomat and to make your mistakes. Linson is Queen Florinda’s home country.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve studied it and every other country. Good thing there’s only thirteen countries.”
His mouth twitched into a grin.
“What?”
“I’m just remembering how you met our royalty. You were belligerent, angry, threatened our shaman, you ran out, and when Martin managed to drag you back you stood there with all the insolence in the world and called our royalty stupid and heartless.”
I flushed slightly. “Yeah, well, you all didn’t handle the recruitment very well.”
“Since King Alan and Queen Florinda like you, I don’t think you have a lot to worry about. I would suggest that you don’t start out by doing that.”
“Well, since it worked so well last time, I thought I’d try it again. It worked in Lendia too. I called him a fool and not worthy of respect.”
He laughed out loud.
“I’ve already been advised against it, and I will be properly diplomatic, no matter how rude or stupid they are. Since everyone here seems to have a very poor opinion of the people in the Flip Side, I have to do my best to change that.”
“I’m sure you will. You have this way of commanding respect.”
“I’m told it’s called natural leadership.”
“I thought it was natural beauty.”
I shoved him lightly. “Flirt.”
He chuckled, and nodded to the two guards coming to relieve us. “Let’s go have this meeting. I want to catch a few hours of sleep in my own bed. Once we start travel, our quarters will be less than comfortable.” He grinned at me. “Well, not you, because you’ll be with the princess. Us lowly guards don’t get such nice quarters.”
My brow furrowed. “Really?”
“He’s teasing,” Joe said, falling in step beside me. “It would be rude to offer anything but the best to those carrying the invitation to the peace conference.”
I shoved Neal again. “I was about to feel sorry for you.”
“You should. We still won’t get as nice as what the princess gets.”
“My heart bleeds for you.”
“Is it enough for a pity kiss?”
I giggled, but I leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll think of you while I’m eating caviar and sleeping in feather beds.”
He was too busy grinning to come up with a quick reply and then we entered the guardroom. I sat down against the wall and didn’t say anything more because Martin was here. I wondered again if I should say something, and then I stiffened as I recognized Charlene’s voice outside the door. Martin ignored her and started speaking.
I couldn’t focus on what he was saying because I could hear Charlene, her voice a petulant whine that set my teeth on edge. I didn’t realize my fingernails were digging into my palms until Randall rested his hand over one of my clenched fists. I forced myself to relax, but my eyes narrowed at the door. I was grateful she couldn’t come in.
“Are there any questions?” Martin asked, jolting me back to him. When there were no questions, he turned and went to the door. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t ask him to not go out there because that would have admitted my jealousy.
He opened the door and Charlene was waiting out there, just like I knew she had been. She sashayed up to him and put her arms around his neck. “Do you have a few minutes?” she asked in a voice that almost purred.
I shot to my feet. “I’d like to speak to you, sir,” I said, not caring that I was practically glowing green for everyone to see.
Martin glanced over at me, but Charlene tugged him back to her. “I asked first, Martin,” she said, adding a slight petulant note.
He looked back at me, debating what to do.
“Please, Martin,” I said quietly. “I’d like to speak to you, privately.”
My use of his name didn’t escape him, or anyone else. Charlene’s eyes narrowed as he pulled her arms from around his neck and stepped back inside. Everyone moved out, knowing something was about to happen. Although I knew they were dying to hear it, I closed the door firmly and placed a block in front of the door. Then I paced the floor.
“Did you want to speak to me?” Martin asked after time had passed and I didn’t look about to speak.
I ran my hands through my hair. “I’m going to talk,” I said abruptly. “I’m going to talk, and you’re not. You’re not going to say a word, and you’re not going to make a move from that spot from the moment you say deal because you have to agree to these rules before I say what I need to. You don’t get to ask questions, you don’t get to speak, you don’t get to move, no matter what I say. When I’m done talking, I’m going to leave, and you’re going to let me, because I don’t know what state I’ll be in when I walk through that door. Those are my rules.”
He studied me a minute. “Deal,” he said quietly.
I made sure the door was shut, then turned and lit into him. “I hate you. I hate you for driving me nuts, for cheating on me, for choosing a woman who has to be my exact opposite and despises my existence, and I hate you for all that because I love you.”
His eyes lit but he didn’t say a word and he didn’t move.
“Thanks to you, I compare myself to that snippy woman out in the hall and try and figure out what she has that I don’t or what she gives you that’s more than what I gave you. I hate that I couldn’t measure up to her in whatever standard you set up. At one point I wasn’t enough for you, and I don’t know which part of me wasn’t enough for you, so I doubt myself constantly. I hate you for all the times you lied to me, for all the times you told me you loved me and you missed me while you were with Charlene, and I hate myself for believing your lies for all those months, for not having a clue what was happening.”
I took a shuddering breath and plowed ahead in case he decided to try and speak. I had an overwhelming need to get this out. “But I want you back. I hurt without you, and not only because I lost my boyfriend, but a friendship that I valued. I’m still mad because you cheated on me and you still lied to me, but I miss you.”
I could feel tears building and my breath hitched as I struggled to hold them in. “I love you, and I miss you, and I want you to stick around, but I’m...dang it, I’m going to cry.” I furiously wiped at the tears trailing down my face. “I want to forgive you, but I can’t while you’re with Charlene. You broke my heart, and you’re breaking it every time you pick her over me. I can only have my heart torn and broken so much, so you can’t keep picking her. You just can’t. If I’m not enough for you, then I’ll let you go, but I wanted to tell you where I stand. I wanted to tell you that I want you back.”
I took a second shuddering breath, then whirled around and kicked the block out of the way so I could open the door before striding away from the group respectfully waiting at the opposite end of the hall with tears still streaming down my face.
*
MARTIN STOOD STILL, even though she was gone and he could move, and let himself absorb everything she’d just said. He felt the iron grip around his heart ease just a little. She loved him. She still loved him, and she wanted him back. He’d dreaded a future where she couldn’t forgive him, couldn’t love him, but she’d just stood in front of him and pleaded for him to come back. She’d cried. He wanted badly to find her now and apologize, wipe the tears from her face and tell her he loved her, because he did and he was sure she needed to hear it.
“Martin?” Charlene stood in the doorway, eyes furious.
“Unless you have a problem with one of the guards, I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you,” he said calmly.
She almost quivered with rage. “You can’t ignore me!”
“I’m busy, Charlene. I have things to do, so if you will excuse me...” He moved now and strode past her.
She grabbed him. “You can’t walk out on me,” she hissed. “You’re my date to the Linson ball. You promised, you swore, and I won’t let you back out on that.”
He stopped at that. He’d forgotten.
Charlene’s face filled with triumph.
“Very well,” he said, making his words deliberately calm. “I will escort you to the ball. That was my promise. I promised nothing more than that, and I will not be held to anything more than that.”
He shook her off and walked off, knowing her face was alive with rage, but he was busy treasuring Joan’s words and replaying them in his mind.
“I love you, and I miss you, and I want you to stick around.”
It was enough for him. He’d have to stay back and not make his apology until after the Linson ball, and that would hurt her, but he couldn’t very well explain that he wanted her back and then say that he was taking Charlene to the Linson ball. It was a mistake, but Joan had given him an opening, and he intended to take it. He just hoped the opening would be there after the Linson ball.