| |
Three days passed with agonizing slowness for Martin. He did his best to avoid Charlene, but also tried to not interact with Joan, not sure he could face her without blurting out everything. He knew the entire castle was waiting and watching with interest for the next part of the show.
Finally, on the third day, he went to find Joan. By the murmurs and looks from the guards, Joan’s opinion of him hadn’t improved over the last three days. He stepped into the dining hall, searched for her, found she wasn’t there. She’d disappeared, wherever it was she managed to disappear to. Someone had to know where she was, and he had to talk to her.
He swallowed his pride and approached his Elite Guards. “I need to talk to Joan,” he said quietly.
Remy and Liam exchanged glances, then Remy pulled out a coin. “Heads or tails?” he asked Liam.
“Heads.”
Remy flipped the coin in the air, slapped it down in his palm. “Heads it is.”
Liam stood. “I’ll make sure she’s there. Give me a minute.” He gave Martin an inscrutable look, then headed towards the door.
Remy stood as well, looking resigned. “She’ll have my head for doing this.”
*
I HADN’T SEEN MARTIN for three entire days while I frantically learned what I could before travels started. Each day was another blow to my pride and to my heart as I grew more miserable and vulnerable. I’d said my part, I’d indicated I wanted him back, and he couldn’t even take a few minutes to talk to me? I wasn’t buying it, especially since everyone in the castle knew where I’d been spending the last few days while Tatum tried to make sure all his lessons were thoroughly learned. Since he was still in the castle, that meant he was avoiding me. That most likely indicated that he was making his choice, and that I wasn’t it. Charlene was just as steamed as I was, which confused me a little. If he hadn’t chosen her, and he wasn’t choosing me, what was he doing? Was he trying to make me suffer because I made him suffer?
I rubbed at my eyes, hating myself for being so emotional. We were leaving tomorrow, so I was enjoying one last night in my cellar with the ability to be miserable alone and know that neither Martin nor Charlene could find me.
Footsteps echoed as someone came down the stairs. I merely picked up my cup and drank it, staring into it as the person made his way over to me. “Drinking alone?”
I didn’t answer.
Liam settled next to me. “How drunk are you?”
“It’s water,” I said shortly. “I’m not going to get drunk just because the man I love is avoiding me after I opened up to him and everyone in the entire castle knows it.”
“It’s only been water?” he asked, studying me.
“Only water.” I kicked at the gallon jug next to my feet and it sloshed and let out a thunk as my foot connected.
“The entire castle doesn’t know. Charlene hasn’t told anyone, and we’ve told no one. It stays in the family, so to speak.” He rubbed my back. “You missed dinner.”
“Not hungry.”
“Do you want to talk?”
“No. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to anything. I want to sit and pretend I’m getting drunk.”
He glanced at my container. “You’re sure it’s not vodka?”
I shoved my cup at him. He sniffed, took a sip, then handed it back. “Water.”
“Thank you, Captain Obvious. I’m so glad I’m not stupid enough to mistake the two.”
He didn’t take offense, reading my misery easier than I liked. “You did the right thing.”
“In not getting drunk? I know that, if only because it would be a bad example for Cathy and the future ruler of Valeria.”
“No,” he said gently. “For telling him.”
“Yeah. He gets to feel better and that’s supposed to make me all warm and fuzzy inside? It wasn’t right or wrong to keep my silence.”
“You don’t know that.”
I snorted, and looked up as I heard more footsteps on the stairs. Liam didn’t look a bit surprised or bothered, but his eyes looked a little wary, and this made me suspicious. “You...you didn’t,” I hissed.
“You’ll thank me later.”
I jumped to my feet as Martin and Remy came down. “I’m going to kill you,” I promised Remy and Liam, my gaze murderous. “I’m going to kill you and enjoy it.”
“I was looking for you,” Martin said quietly, hands in his pockets.
“Funny. It’s seemed like you were doing your best to avoid me.”
While I snarled at Martin, Remy and Liam headed back up the stairs, giving us our privacy.
His voice was quiet. “I’m expecting you to be angry, and I understand it. I didn’t want to make things worse, but I guess waiting three days has done that already.”
I folded my arms and glared at him, in case he’d hoped for some sort of denial.
“I needed to hear what you said,” he began. “I wanted to hear it. I want to be in your life, but I can’t cut Charlene out of mine yet.”
That hit like a blow and I sank back to the bench. “You can’t have both,” I choked out. “If you can’t have me alone then you’ve picked her.” Agonizing questions ran through my head. What did she have that I didn’t? Why had I lost?
“No, Joan...” he moved closer and stopped when I turned away. “Joan, I made her a promise,” he said quietly. “A promise I can’t break.”
“That promise wouldn’t be marriage, would it?” I asked the wall.
“No! I could never replace you.”
“You already did once.”
He let out a slow breath. “I deserved that. I just need time...”
“Time?” I stood and whirled around. “You think I’m going to give you time to break things off nicely with Charlene? Do you think I can stand watching you with her and wonder when you’re finally going to tire of her? The short answer is that I can’t. I won’t.”
“Joan...” he trailed off, helpless. “I’m sorry. I made a promise to Charlene, and in a couple days, the promise will be over with. You gave me an opportunity; I’m just asking that you leave it there for two more days. I don’t want to hurt you more by trying to work things out with you when I can’t cut Charlene out yet, and I can’t break the promise I made. You might like it better, but you’d wonder about my promises if I broke one now.”
“I’ve already been wondering about your promises.”
His eyes showed quiet pain. “I know. And I’m very sorry, Joan. I’m sorry for all of this. I’m just here to say that I need two days.”
“Two days of being Charlene’s.”
He winced. “To keep my promise. After that, she’ll have no hold on me.”
“And then she will miraculously back off and go toodling merrily away and wish us a happy life? I don’t think so.”
“I don’t care what she wants,” he said viciously, heat coming to his eyes. “This is about us.”
“And when you brought her in, that made it more than us,” I snapped. “You do whatever it is you’re doing, but before you come to me again, you get rid of her. You get her out of your life or you don’t come back. Since it appears you can’t get rid of her for two more days, that means you need to get out. Now.”
He didn’t argue, sorrow in his blue-green eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “More sorry than you can know.” Then he turned and left.
I sat down on the bench and leaned forward, my head in my hands, and started to cry. I couldn’t imagine something hurting as much as this hurt me.
Footsteps echoed down again and I said in the hardest tone I could muster, “I don’t care if you’re the king. Go away.”
The footsteps didn’t even pause. “I’m not the king,” Randall’s voice said. “But I’m the father, so you can’t tell me to go away.” He sat down and pulled me so I was leaning against him. “I’m sorry, Joan.”
“So’s he. So’s everyone, but it doesn’t make a bit of difference.”
He pressed his lips to my head. “I’m sorry for that, too,” he said quietly.
I turned to him and let the tears fall freely. He rocked me and murmured words I didn’t pay attention to. I cried until I was out of tears, and then I stayed where I was and let him hold me. He didn’t ask what had been said, and he didn’t ask me to talk about it. He knew I was dealing with it as best I knew how.
“I hate this.”
“I know.”
I swallowed hard and tried to breathe evenly. “I suppose I shouldn’t kill Liam and Remy since they got you.”
He stroked my hair. “They knew you’d need me. I’m sorry, Joan.”
I disengaged and sat up, wiping at my face. “I know.”
He picked up the cup I’d left on the bench and sniffed it. “Is this gin?”
“Water.”
He tasted it, then poured some more from the bottle on the floor and gave it to me. “Drink, then.”
I drank, drained the cup, and rubbed my face again. “He said he needs two more days. Says he made a promise and can’t cut Charlene out of his life yet. Says he doesn’t want to hurt me.” This was bitter. “Like this doesn’t hurt enough.”
He sighed. “Relationships are complicated, Joan. Messy on all sides.”
I looked at him with a bleak smile. “Gina would say that he’s a loser and a low-life and he doesn’t deserve me and that he and Charlene can take a flying leap. You men are so sensible.”
“Gina understands that hating him will work for a while to counteract the hurt. I know that you need a bit of reasoning right now to counteract whatever’s going on in your head.” He kissed my forehead. “But Charlene can take a flying leap. That, I won’t argue.”
I sighed. “I needed to hear that. As horrible as that is, I need someone to hate Charlene too.”
“Because Martin can’t.”
“Because he doesn’t. I don’t know why he doesn’t, but he doesn’t, and she’s taking him away from me. I can’t stop it, and I don’t know if I want to right now.”
He filled my cup with water again. “Drink,” he advised. “Then go get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning. If they don’t, call Gina and vent. He knows you’re angry, but he’s hoping that you’ll forgive him. Would you be happy if he broke his word to Charlene?”
“I’m not rational enough to answer that right now.”
“The answer is no, you wouldn’t. Whatever promise he made, he is honor bound to keep it, and you know how important honor is.”
I did, and he knew it.
“No doubt he’s trying to make this right with Charlene. She won’t accept it, which is why you need to stand up for yourself and for him. Once you do that, she’ll back off and you and Martin can start working together.”
“What if it’s too late? What if my heart can’t handle any more?”
He lifted my chin. “The day you can look him in the eye and not feel anything, not anger, not hurt, not love, is the day you walk away from him,” Randall said quietly, holding my gaze. “Love isn’t easy. I know you don’t see it now, but this isn’t what you want to give up on. Hold firm, Joan.”
I nodded.
“Finish the water, then go to bed,” he instructed again. “I’ll be back down in twenty minutes, and I don’t want to find you down here.”
“All right. Thanks.”
“Good night, Joan.”
“Good night, Dad.”
He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead, then stood and left. After a few minutes, I drained the cup and left too. The girls were already asleep, and so I crawled in bed and collapsed, and my dreams were empty.