It was early in the morning when we left Jackson hole, and the light was special, different than any light I have ever seen, as though the peaks and valleys were lit from within, and the edges of tree and rock had a new kind of clarity and sharpness.
We talked through headsets on the way, a friendly banter among friends about things that had great weight. Chilli informed me that the elusive Chinook had not been found; apparently it had touched down in the valley near the mine, then vanished. Gideon was in the wind.
Hawk was stepping down, relinquishing his role in both the government and military. Governor Moore would take the reins until an election could be held.
“Funny thing is,” Hawk said, “he doesn't want the job now. Says he doesn't deserve it. But he did a great job over the last few months, helping with logistics, finding ways to get things done. He was invaluable. I'm not sure we would have won this thing without him.”
“Good thing William didn't kill him,” Chilli said.
“I reserve that right,” I said. We all chuckled, for there was no real threat and we knew it. I had forgiven the man, and I was glad for his help.
“You know,” Hawk said, a sly grin on his face as he looked sideways at me, “they're already calling for you to lead. Maybe it's time you did.”
“Not a chance,” I said.
Chilli told me Abe had flown back to Lamar Valley because Angela was due to have her baby any day. Abe, Chilli said, was beside himself.
The transition of power in Salt Lake City was proceeding peacefully, and thus far Field Marshal Bender had proven himself to be an ally. Bender had taken the title “Prime Minister,” and planned on holding democratic elections within a year. He had embarked upon a vigorous deprogramming campaign to sway his soldiers and civilians. Gideon was portrayed as the liar and charlatan he was. Max and Colonel Dan were there helping with the disarmament and overseeing the withdrawal of Alliance forces.
There were still rumors of war in the far north, as Anchorage and Russia squared off, but that situation seemed to be resolving. The Russians were made aware of the threat Gideon had posed, and seemed to relent in their posturing. Diplomats had been exchanged, and a peaceful solution seemed possible.
The fervor following the threat of the volcano also led more pockets of civilization to reach out and break radio silence. Hawk informed me that groups in New Zealand, Iceland, and Switzerland had made contact. Plans were in the works to cross the oceans and try to come together as a race to defeat Tarantula and begin to rebuild on a greater scale than we had previously thought possible.
*
We swooped through passes and down valleys and I took the time to marvel at the beauty. I was reminded of the trip I had taken a decade ago with Hawk, trying to save Crystal and my soon to be born son. My thoughts were turning to home, and it was peaceful, without the tension and angst of that white knuckled ride in the past.
However, underneath the happiness was the sorrow, a quiet brook of sadness and loss in me. Chewy and Arthur and Gonzo would never laugh with me again, and I had the old brown leather Bible pressed close to my chest. I'd meant to give it to his wife before I left, but I found that I was not ready to part with it, as though I kept a part of him with me while I still had it. I would bring it back on my next trip to The Hole, I decided, and have a proper conversation, something meaningful and full of good memories, with Chewy's wife and his young son. I'd tell him what a great man his father had been, a hero that saved the world.
Home also meant coming face to face with my own feelings, finding a way to accept the loss of my daughter in a way I knew I had avoided. I had been propelled from one catastrophe to the next, and the healing I'd experienced was superficial, a field dressing rather than time working slowly to mend a wound so that while it might hurt, might ache in the cold, at least it would not bleed. A good part of me did not want to stop hurting. I feared, perhaps, that by doing so I would diminish Grace, her memory and her love for me and my love for her, and that letting go meant letting her down in some way.
There were times when I held the hurt close to me and cherished it. It was time for me to allow myself to heal, to resist the urge to tear away the gauze so that I might bleed, and with the bleeding, remember and love. I had to find a different way to live. When familiar peaks came into sight, I felt a seismic shift in me, recognizing the work yet before me, the changes ahead that were crucial if I were to make things right.
I knew I needed to wrap my arms around Crystal and hold her on quiet nights and let her sob into my shoulder, a fire softly burning and a bit of emptiness in our cabin. Maybe I would build us a new home, further down the valley.
I would make up for lost time with Ryder, and we would take long rides into the back country, find untouched streams brimming with trout and fish away long summer afternoons. I would tell him I was proud to be his daddy.
Together we would mend as a family and grow together, and make a new life for ourselves.
*
A soft landing a quarter of a mile down the river from my home, and then my boot touched the ground I loved. I shoved a hospital crutch under my armpit and waited while Chilli and Hawk disembarked, the rotors still spinning as we walked into the tiny town.
“I guess I'm headed to Maggie's,” Chilli said. “I could use a beer.”
“I'm with you,” Hawk said. “I'll spend the night here and head back to The Hole tomorrow with a hangover.” He jostled my arm. “You gonna join us later?”
“Uh, no,” I said, deadpan.
“I figured. Doesn't hurt to ask. We'll get together tomorrow before I head out. Maybe have lunch?”
“Sounds good,” I said. “If you see Abe, let him know I'm home. I wonder if Angela had the baby.”
“We will,” Chilli said. He put his arms around Hawk's shoulder. “We've got some drinking to do. Give Crystal our love.”
I turned up the valley and hopped along toward home. I could see my cabin, smoke coming from the chimney. The temperature had fallen significantly between Lamar and Jackson, and the dark clouds promised an early snow. Next to the river a pair of bison gave me baleful stares as I went past.
I heard horses nickering in the out barn, and I began to sing out loud, a smile in me that began in my soul and ended on my lips.
“I'm comin' home, it's been too long
Found out the hard way, that I was wrong
Guess I've known, all along
The wayward son, always comes home.”
I wished I had flowers and toys to give when I walked through the door, and I wondered what I should say. The closer I got, the happier I became. I hoped that Ryder might be outside playing or chopping wood and come hurtling at me like a missile so I could pick him up and hug him, but he did not appear as he usually did, when I returned home from a long absence. But then, he probably was not waiting for me the way he would be when he knew the day of my homecoming, when he would wait for me until the sun went down and into the night until he could see me.
My crutch banged on the front porch and I put my hand on the stout pine door, and hesitated for a moment, took a deep breath, and pushed the door open. I settled on “Daddy's home!”