Gemma telephoned Kate late on Saturday morning.
‘A breakthrough! Well, the beginnings of one. Goodness, Kate, it’s been really tough.’
It was twelve days since their conversation, during which time there had been no communication from Gemma, and Kate was in that interesting state that combines a sense of anxiety with hurt feelings and irritation. She felt that Gemma could have at least kept in touch, even if there was little or no progress to report, and she’d had to resist the urge to text or telephone by reminding herself that Gemma and Guy were adults and that she had no right to interfere. As the days passed so it became more and more difficult to be natural about telephoning or texting, and every time she rehearsed what she might say it sounded stilted and overmotherly, or as if she was nagging.
Now Gemma’s opening remark made her want to be snappish, to say something childish like, ‘Well, what did you expect? Of course it’s tough,’ and she was obliged to pull herself together.
‘Ah,’ she answered, striving to sound non-committal; but Gemma, always her mother’s child and true to form, picked up on it at once.
‘Oh, Kate,’ she said repentantly, ‘I know I should have been in touch. Don’t do that thing of being po-faced. Not on the telephone. Honestly, it’s been hell.’
‘Oh, darling, I’m not a bit upset.’ Kate unbent at once, reminded, as so often was the case with Gemma, of Cass making similar appeals over the years. ‘I’ve just been worried about you, that’s all. And I’ve got Roly and Daisy coming to see the cottage and I’m so afraid they won’t approve. Crazy, isn’t it? Never mind that. Tell me all.’
‘To begin with, your advice was spot on. I stopped crawling and begging for forgiveness and backed right off. It took several days – which was awful, I can tell you – but then Guy began to thaw out a bit. The first sign was when I found a message from him on the answerphone and then a few days after that, when I got back from work, he was here. I reminded him that we were invited to supper with Giles and Tessa the following Friday and he agreed, rather reluctantly, to go. I warned Tessa, in fact I told her the whole truth, and when we got there she and I made sure that Guy and Giles were left together for a bit. The journey over to the cove was rather awful, like sitting in the car with an iceberg, but Tessa and Giles were brilliant. It helped just being with them. They are so easy and happy with each other, none of that Tom Tiddler’s ground stuff that I have with Guy, and we just relaxed. Giles is so much more laid-back than Guy, but he’s calm and rational too.’
‘Giles was always the peacemaker,’ said Kate, when Gemma seemed to have run out of breath. ‘I am so glad that Guy talked to him. He could always make Guy see sense. At least, I imagine that’s what happened?’
‘Yes. Yes, we gave them time to talk while we put Henry to bed and by the time we got downstairs Guy was looking much more human. Giles was brilliant. He was making us laugh and keeping the conversation going along so easily; I don’t know quite how he did it. He made certain that Guy was having lots to drink and really unwinding, and by the time we came home I could see that it was going to be OK. I drove, and Guy was pretty quiet, but that terrible iciness was gone and . . . well, he stayed last night for the first time since he found out.’
‘Oh, darling, I am so glad.’
‘So am I! Oh God, it’s been so awful. He’s gone to the office today but he’s coming home to lunch and I really think the worst is over. I even managed to touch very slightly on the subject of my being on my own so much. He looked grim but I decided to give it a little try, like you said. He made a couple of sarcastic remarks but I could see he was thinking about it.’ A tiny pause. ‘Kate, I’m really, really sorry I haven’t been in touch. I’ve been totally tunnel-visioned, I will admit. You know, pretending to the twins that everything’s OK and that Daddy’s working away and I’m trying to be jolly so they don’t suspect. It’s so tiring and I miss him so much. And you were so good about everything . . .’
‘It’s fine,’ said Kate quickly. ‘Honestly. It’s just that I couldn’t help worrying but I didn’t want to interfere.’
‘I know. It was mean, to dump on you like that and then leave you in the air about what was going on. The point was, nothing much was going on. It’s different now. When he went off this morning, he said that there were things to discuss.’
‘Oh.’
‘Exactly. But I think I can handle it. I feel so much better about everything now. Look, I’d better go but I’ll let you know how we go on. Honestly, I will. What’s all this about the cottage?’
‘Oh, just that I’m taking Roly and Daisy to see it this afternoon. Your twins weren’t terribly impressed so I’ve got the jitters.’
‘But if you love it does it matter what the twins think? Would you like Guy and me to come and see it? I’ve remembered now; this is where you and the boys lived when they were little, isn’t it? Sorry, Kate, I’ve been so fixated on my own problems I haven’t thought about yours.’
‘It doesn’t matter at all. Get yourselves sorted out first, that’s the important thing. There’s no rush for me to be doing anything.’
‘Thanks, Kate. I really mean it. And I’ll text or phone.’
‘You do that,’ said Kate. ‘Good luck, my darling.’
She put the phone down thoughtfully: the trouble was that it wasn’t absolutely true that there was no rush to be doing anything. Earlier that morning Michael Barrett-Thompson had telephoned.
‘The good news is that we’ve got an offer on your house, Kate. It’s a really good one: only a thousand under the asking price. The bad news is that this means it’s make-up-your-mind time. It’s that first couple who saw it, Mr and Mrs Burns, and they’ve absolutely set their hearts on it. He’s being moved by his company so there’s no chain, no problems.’
She’d been unable to speak to begin with; shock, excitement, terror, all seethed inside her.
‘I don’t quite know what to say,’ she’d managed at last. ‘I’m still dithering about the cottage. I’m taking a very good friend of mine to see it this afternoon.’
‘Yes, I remember now. Jackie said you’d been in for the key. OK. Then the best thing is for me to hang fire with the Burnses over the weekend. After all, I might not have been able to contact you this morning so I think that’s fair enough. I shall need to know by Monday, Kate.’
Now, as she waited for Roly and Daisy, she tried to force herself to think clearly, to imagine herself living again at the cottage.
‘Of course I remember it,’ Giles had said when she’d phoned him to talk it over. ‘And of course we were happy there. But you need to think forwards as well as backwards. I can understand that the idea of moving to the cottage gives you a sense of security, it’s not like going somewhere utterly strange, but it needs to be right for all sorts of reasons. If you can’t decide because you’re in a muddle emotionally then take a different tack and write down all the pros and cons. It helps to clear the mind. What would David had advised?’
‘I can’t seem to think about David,’ she’d answered wretchedly.
‘Perhaps you need to do that,’ he’d suggested gently, ‘before you go any further?’
Kate glanced at the kitchen clock: Daisy and Roly should be arriving at any moment. Later, once they’d seen the cottage, she would make her decision.
It was stupid, Kate told herself as she parked in the driveway, to feel so nervous: it was as if the cottage were a beloved child being shown off before a critical audience. Beside her, sitting in the passenger seat, Daisy was already making encouraging noises, but it was clear to Kate that Daisy was in such a euphoric state that she would have found it difficult to be negative about anything, let alone such a charming scene. The cottage drowsed peacefully in the afternoon sunshine, the hawthorn blossom was beginning to rust along the hedge and the scent of the philadelphus was heavy in the air.
As she switched off the engine Roly leaned forward and touched her on the shoulder.
‘Courage, ma brave,’ he murmured in her ear – and she felt a rush of affection for him. It was such a relief that he wasn’t in love with her any more: no more of the ‘pleasing plague’ to muddle the issue and complicate their relationship. She guessed that he knew exactly what she was feeling and, as she went to unlock the door, she felt comforted. Daisy bounded inside at once and stopped short at the sitting-room door. Kate watched her anxiously: despite Daisy’s sense of personal wellbeing Kate knew that she would speak out honestly.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, standing at her shoulder.
‘Nothing’s wrong.’ Daisy hastened to reassure her. ‘It’s sweet. I was just surprised that it’s so small. Coming from your big house, and the barn being open plan, it’s just such a difference. I love the inglenook and the stove.’
‘It’s easy to heat,’ said Kate lamely.
She stared round the room as if she hadn’t seen it before, trying to conjure up her own first excited reactions, whilst Daisy disappeared into the kitchen. Roly went right into the sitting-room, ducking his head to avoid the low beams. He looked about him, thinking of the young Kate and how it must have seemed to her.
‘I can see why you fell in love with it,’ he said. ‘It’s absolutely delightful.’
‘It was different,’ she murmured. ‘I had no furniture, only books and a few pictures, and I chose everything to fit it. It was such fun.’
‘Yes,’ he said, after a moment. ‘I can well imagine it would have been. It’s like one’s first car, isn’t it? Nothing ever quite beats that first exciting moment of ownership.’
She glanced at him quickly. ‘Do you mean that it wouldn’t be the same again?’
‘It can’t be the same again. But that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong to buy it.’
‘No, no, of course not.’ She turned away, following Daisy into the kitchen. ‘You can’t imagine how this looked back then. There was an old solid-fuel Rayburn and I had a dresser against this wall.’
Daisy appeared from the small room beyond the kitchen.
‘They haven’t cared about it, have they?’ she asked, distressed. ‘They’ve just put in any old bits and pieces.’
‘Perhaps they couldn’t afford anything else,’ suggested Kate. ‘It’s a second home so it probably took everything they had just to buy it.’
‘I suppose so.’ Daisy didn’t sound convinced. ‘It must have been so different when you had it, Kate.’
‘Well, it was. You like it, then?’
‘Oh, yes. It’s sweet. And there’s plenty of room for Floss.’ She hurried past them and up the stairs.
Roly grimaced almost apologetically. ‘Very single-minded girl, our Daisy.’
Kate laughed. ‘Ever since we first met she’s been determined that Floss and I were made for each other. And so have you. Well,’ she looked about her, ‘there’s plenty of room for Floss here.’
Roly looked at her curiously. ‘You sound a bit flat about it. Not about Floss but about the cottage. Disappointed or frustrated in some way.’
‘That’s rather clever of you, Roly. Frustrated describes it rather well. When I saw the cottage again, once Michael had left me on my own here, it all came back to me. I relived it all again. You know? Seeing it for the first time and buying bits and pieces for it, and how the twins loved it, and other things too: the awful early years with Mark and then my mother dying. It was odd that I’d always remembered it as a place where I was very happy but I realized that it hadn’t been quite like that. And then there was Alex. I relived it all then, as I walked about and sat in the sun in the garden. But when I brought Gemma’s twins to see it and now, today, with you and Daisy it’s as if the cottage is closed against me. It has nothing to say to me. The magic has gone.’
Daisy was calling from the top of the stairs and Kate went out into the little hall and looked up at her.
‘At least the bunk beds are here,’ she said. ‘I remember you saying that you had them for Giles and Guy. The main bedroom isn’t too bad at all, either.’
Roly waited downstairs, hearing their footsteps passing overhead and their voices in a kind of question and answer duet: Daisy’s raised enquiringly, Kate’s lower, slower. They came down again and Daisy went outside, still eager and interested in it all.
‘Perhaps,’ Roly said quietly, ‘you need to see the cottage as a place where you were happy once so that you can believe that you could be happy here again. I think it’s a positive thing to remember happy times. Human nature has a way of blotting out the things we find painful – how else could we go forward? – but I don’t believe that you should put all your hopes for future happiness in a cottage. It isn’t shutting you out, Kate, there’s nothing mysterious here. It’s just being what it is: a building, and a very nice one, of stone and slate. If you buy it you’ll find your life will continue much as it is now, or as it was then, with periods of joy and sadness. Stop seeing it as a solution: there are no guarantees against pain.’
She stared at him almost fearfully. ‘What shall I do, then?’
‘If you love this cottage and it fits in with all your present requirements and solves your financial difficulties, then buy it. But don’t see it through rose-coloured spectacles, Kate. Don’t envisage yourself sitting here dreaming about a time when your life was perfect or you’ll be brutally disillusioned. You’ve talked about Mark, and the twins when they were small, and your mother and even Alex, but you don’t talk about David. Why is that? What would David be saying to you now?’
‘Giles asked that question.’
‘And what did you tell him?’
‘I told him that I can’t think about David. It’s too . . . painful. Too lonely.’
Daisy appeared suddenly in the doorway.
‘What a heavenly little garden. The apple trees are so old.’ She stared at them. ‘You both look very serious. Is something wrong?’
‘Of course not.’ Kate went out into the sunshine. ‘Just the eternal question: shall I buy it or not? Is the fruit beginning to set?’
Roly followed them more slowly, cursing himself for being unnecessarily brutal. Daisy was telling Kate something, gesticulating wildly, and quite suddenly they both began to laugh. As they came back towards him he felt an inexplicable lightening of his own spirits, as if something had been resolved, some prayer answered.
Kate smiled at him. ‘We must go home,’ she said, ‘or Nat will wonder where we are. He’s coming to tea, remember. Let me just lock the door and we’ll be on our way.’