Financial Infidelity: Are You at Risk?
If you recognize yourself or your relationship in any of the scenarios or evaluations at any relationship stage, don’t panic. You can, on your own, and at any time in a relationship’s evolution, begin to open up a safe, honest dialogue about money and its role in your relationship. As you use the seven steps to learn to discuss finances with your partner in a safe and intimate way, you will be surprised at the positive repercussions in other areas of your relationship. With few exceptions, couples I have worked with have discovered that once they could discuss money and work through harmful patterns of financial infidelity, their sexual and emotional connections were strengthened and they were able to trust the commitment and honesty of their relationships. They tell me that their relationships have more “sizzle”—they’ve become more spontaneous, both in life and in bed, once they are no longer afraid to talk about “hard” topics like money. When a relationship is truly flourishing and functional, you can talk to each other about anything at all— including money—without reacting negatively or shutting down.
For some couples, talking about money is a relationship “deal breaker.” Others tell me that an inability or unwillingness to talk about money is making them “very nervous” about their relationship. When you understand the external pressures that drive even your most volatile disagreements about finances, you will be able talk about money without bringing painful memories or hurtful emotional accusations to the table. Many couples that come to me say they are afraid that they have “fallen out of love.” Often I end up asking them to examine their attitudes toward shared finances. As they begin to understand that these attitudes can act as triggers for damaging assumptions and emotions, they are able to begin the process of reconnection.
In the rest of this chapter I will give you an overview of warning signs and common hallmarks of financial infidelity. I will help you determine if you are at risk of committing financial infidelity. I’ll explain how your financial personality can affect your behavior with both money and your partner. I’ll help you to see if problems in your relationship are linked to financial infidelity and tell you the warning signs that indicate that financial infidelity is increasing the risk that you or your partner will commit other painful betrayals.
Personal Risk Factors for Financial Infidelity
So, how can you tell if that handbag in your closet with the tags still on it represents a simple moment of weakness, the need for a “novelty high,” or is an indicator of a pattern that can wreak havoc in your relationship and destroy your sexual and emotional connection with your partner? The test that follows addresses some of the most common emotions and behaviors associated with financial infidelity.
FINANCIAL INFIDELITY RISK PROFILE
1. Do you regularly lie about purchases or daily spending?
2. Do you regularly create and review a budget for spending with your partner?
3. Do you stash away money or pay cash for things without telling your partner?
4. Do you review monthly income and expenses with your partner?
5. Do you sometimes punish your partner by withholding money?
6. Do you know what investments (life insurance policies, stocks, retirement funds, etc.) you and your partner hold?
7. Do you regularly omit information about your spending?
8. Do you know the current balance of your checking and saving accounts ( joint and individual)?
9. Do you regularly spend money when you feel emotional— happy, sad, angry, depressed, anxious, or worried?
10. Can you discuss money with your partner without fighting?
11. Do you wish you had private bank accounts?
12. Do you discuss major purchases with your partner?
SCORING
For questions 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, and 11, give yourself 2 points for every “yes,” and 0 points for every “no.”
For questions 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, and 12, give yourself 0 points for every “yes” and 2 points for every “no.”
If your score is 0-6, you have a healthy relationship to money and its role in your committed partnership. Focus on the one or two questions where you gained points and make a conscious effort to discuss these money behaviors with your partner. If you maintain an open, safe communication about shared finances, you will strengthen trust, enhance intimacy, and increase emotional connection.
If your score is 8-12, money is a difficult subject in your relationship and it is likely you shy away from talking about it. The seven steps in this book will help you become aware of the underlying reasons for your money behaviors and help you to comfortably engage in open dialogue with your partner. It is critically important that you begin to pay attention to your attitudes and beliefs surrounding shared finances and work toward understanding whether your behavior with money is the symptom of another problem in your relationship or is in danger of driving your relationship toward an unhealthy dynamic.
If your score is 14-24, financial infidelity is damaging your relationship, and you should be considering couples therapy to try to save it. It is likely that you characterize your relationship as lacking in emotional and sexual connection and believe you have lost your romantic connection or “fallen out of love” with your partner. You need to act quickly to address the underlying causes and effects of your toxic relationship to money and begin to heal from the patterns of betrayal that have been established.
Social Pressures for Financial Infidelity
Mary and Jim came to see me shortly after moving in together. Within months after meeting the man she had initially called her “dream partner,” Mary went from believing she had found a man of substance to worrying that she had become involved with someone who was little more than a charming liar.
“When I first met Jim, he seemed like such a romantic. He would bring me small presents, take me to restaurants he knew I loved, order champagne for no reason other than he claimed I deserved it. He dressed beautifully and drove a new Audi. We talked all the time about taking a long, romantic vacation in Venice. He promised that he’d make all my dreams come true. But now that I am committed to him and living in his house, he’s completely changed his tune. He says that Venice is too expensive and that, while he’d happily take me somewhere for a long weekend, it would be irresponsible to dash off on a three-week trip to Italy. I feel like he lied to me. He made promises and now he’s using money as an excuse. What else is he going to withhold?”
“Of course I wish I could give Mary anything she wanted,” Jim said. “Look at her.” He gestured toward Mary, who was dressed in a simple but expensive Armani suit and wearing some significant jewelry (which I knew she had inherited from her grandmother, but which Jim apparently believed was her own). “She’s got expensive tastes and she’s clearly used to the best. When we first met, I knew I had to make her believe that I could take care of her. And I intend to take care of her. But we were talking about Venice months ago. The dollar is much worse against the euro now and it’s just not a smart choice financially. Just because I participated in some romantic day-dreamsdoesn’t mean I’m made of money. Maybe she thinks I’m cheap, but how can I tell that she’s not just a gold digger?”
The current social climate, in which it is perfectly common, even considered acceptable, to assess a person’s worth based on his or her financial status and ability to acquire status goods, has no doubt contributed to the increasing role of money as a leading cause of relationship stress.
In my practice, I am now seeing generational differences in how couples approach the topic of money. Older couples, for the most part, tend to believe that finances should be kept private. They treat money as a secret, sacred topic, often failing to disclose their full financial situation. They are reluctant to share their thoughts and expectations around finances with their partner. Younger patients tend to use their money to advertise their worth. They are more likely to become embroiled in power struggles with their partner as they struggle to balance their reliance on an appearance of wealth with the demands of shared financial security. These individuals have come to associate high-ticket items such as luxury cars, designer clothing, and status addresses with personal worth. These are the patients who quickly become disillusioned or disappointed in a relationship when their new partner—who appeared to be wealthy and free of money worries—turns out to be all show and no substance where finances are concerned. People in these types of scenarios can suffer from feelings of betrayal when they come to feel that their partner has lied or been secretive or withholding when it comes to money.
Whenever someone feels betrayed in an intimate relationship, I see the same result: a loss of trust, a sense of anger, and a questioning of the security of their bond. In today’s society, where money is frequently used for show, rather than security, simply owning a status item can make you feel as if you have more than enough money—and can make others treat you as if you are wealthy and worthwhile. If couples do not address the issue of money and finances quickly, openly, and consistently, it is not uncommon for one person, or both people, in a relationship to eventually feel he or she has been defrauded.
External Risk Factors for Financial Infidelity
While the traits of financial infidelity are deeply rooted in an individual’s personal history with money, there are other factors that can highlight or magnify these types of betrayals. Professional, family, and personal stress and the “mundane” attachment stage certainly contribute to these volatile money behaviors. Anytime there is a shift in financial stability—regardless of whether money is increasing or decreasing—there is a danger of mis-communication or deception. The following situations represent the range of stressful situations in our average work, family, and personal lives that may function as catalysts for acts of financial infidelity. Review these lists and note if any of the scenarios apply in your current relationship.
Work Life
• Job changes: being fired or leaving to start a new job
• Significant change in compensation due to promotion, especially for women
• Retirement
• Work-related traveling
• Change in household career dynamic (from two incomes to one or vice versa) such as man deciding to stay home and become “Mr. Mom,” while woman becomes major wage earner
• Increase in professional responsibilities; being a workaholic
Family Life
• Purchase of a new home / sale of an old one
• Downsizing of home
• Children attending nursery school, private school, or college
• Recent large purchase (boat, house, luxury car)
• Empty nest
• Birth of child
• Illness, medical expenses, or death of a parent or child
• Fertility treatments
Personal Life
• Changes in relationship status
• Problems with alcohol or drugs
• Decade birthday
• Midlife crisis or “burnout” (two thirds of all women who work outside the home usually work an additional thirty hours per week performing “domestic work,” including child care and housekeeping)
• Significant change in investments (increase or decrease)
• Inheritance or disinheritance
• Desire for postnup, prenup, or no-nup
Relationship Risk Factors for Financial Infidelity
The emotional dynamic of your relationship plays an important role in your risk for financial infidelity. Understanding how you and your partner perceive and react to particular behaviors will help you to detect and confront financial infidelity.
Sex, Emotion, and Money
You are probably not surprised to hear that how you behave with money can reveal a great deal about how you approach sex and emotional connection. In fact, many of the couples in my practice come to me because of sexual infidelity, but end up spending their sessions fighting about finances and spending habits. The distinct personality traits that emerge in respect to an individual’s approach to money often directly translate into how he or she treats sex and intimacy. I often tell my patients that if they are having problems with their sex life, their financial life is probably in poor shape, too. Likewise, if they are having trouble talking about money, then they are probably having the same kind of problems communicating in bed.
Joan was in shock. She and her husband, Walter, had come to me for counselingafter she discovered that he was having an affair with his secretary.
“It’s not even that she is young and good-looking,” Joan railed. “She doesn’t take care of herself the way I do. She dresses like someone’s spinster aunt. How could you be sleeping with her?”
Walter stared at his tall, rail-thin, platinum blond wife. I could practicallysee him making a running tally in his head: Botox treatments every six weeks—$1,5 00; private Pilates trainer four times a week—$1,600 a month; status handbag—$2,500.
“Of course she doesn’t look as good as you do,” he shot back. “How could she? She doesn’t spend every cent of her income on herself.”
“It’s my money,” Joan said. “I can spend it however I like to.”
“But it’s my money that pays for the house you picked to live in and the car you choose to drive and the expensive wines you make me order every time we go out to dinner,” Walter complained. “And what do I get out of providing for you like this? You don’t say ‘thank you’ or acknowledge how hard I work to keep you in this lifestyle you love so much. In fact, you barely talk to me. I couldn’t tell you the last time you gave me a massage or a hug, or kissed me when I came home in the evening. You won’t even have sex with me! Maybe with Tessa, when I give her something, she gives something back.”
Once Walter and Joan revealed this aspect of their relationship to me in therapy, it became clear that their major problem was not solely Walter’s adultery. Joan’s withholding and selfish personality, first revealed through her attitude toward their finances, and later in their relationship through her unwillingness to engage in emotional or physical closeness, had eventually motivated Walter to seek connection elsewhere.
This next test will help you to assess your “financial personality” so you can begin to explore how your attitude toward money may be influencing your sexual and emotional life. Financial infidelity is manifested not just in your checkbook—but in your bedroom and most intimate emotional connections as well.
FINANCIAL PERSONALITY PROFILE
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If I got an unexpected windfall: a. I would tell my partner about it, but not discuss my plans for it.
b. I would give my partner 10 percent and keep the rest.
c. I would make that big purchase I’ve been craving; after all, I deserve it and it’s my money.
d. I would put it in a private bank account I have for just such possibilities.
e. I never get windfalls, and if I did, I’d probably do something stupid with it.
f. I could not wait to tell my partner first and fantasize about how and when to spend it as we celebrate.
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How we manage our monthly budget: a. We give each person an allowance and that’s it. No exceptions. Ever.
b. My partner gets an allowance and needs to account for how it’s spent.
c. Whoever gets to it first can spend it.
d. It’s online, but only I have the pass codes.
e. We don’t have a monthly budget; if we have it, we spend it.
f. We discuss weekly or monthly expenditures together and give each other guilt-free surprises frequently.
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When planning vacations: a. It’s always last minute; I never know if I can get off of work.
b. I choose the locations, the hotel, and the activities and my partner comes along for the ride.
c. I like to go wherever I feel like, whenever I feel like going.
d. I think separate vacations for couples are a good idea.
e. I can’t remember the last time we went on vacation; there’s always some emergency to wreck our plans.
f. We put our relationship first, and spontaneous and planned vacations are an important priority for our time together.
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On birthdays and gift-giving occasions: a. I don’t see a reason to go overboard.
b. We have a set limit on what we can spend on each other.
c. I get my partner something—and often get myself a little something, too.
d. It’s a point of pride to get someone a gift they’d never expect and I always snoop around until I know exactly what mine is going to be.
e. I’m horrible about remembering these kinds of things. I usually forget to get a gift and ruin the whole day.
f. We check in with each other’s wishes and sometimes go with the other to pick it out before the event.
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About major purchases: a. I usually say we can’t afford them; often I don’t see the need.
b. I do the research, comparison shop, and make the final decision.
c. I usually get them right away. There’s nothing wrong with a little splurge and there’s always room on the credit cards.
d. I buy them, but hope no one notices right away. If using a credit card, I try to buy at the start of the billing cycle so there are several weeks before the bill comes.
e. I buy off-market or secondhand. Why should I spend a lot?
f. I surprise my partner with “pictures” or window shopping and “check in” for joint decisions.
SCORING
If you chose mostly a’s, your dominant financial personality trait is withholding.
Like Joan above, withholding personalities may keep large amounts of money for private use, while expecting their partner to foot the bill for joint expenses and large purchases. They are usually hoarders who may seek to acquire either material objects or increasing amounts of wealth. Individuals who withhold money from shared finances often are not physically affectionate and may withhold both sex and more general expressions of affection, such as kissing their partner hello or good-bye. (These regular physical interactions, which I call “miniconnections,” are critical to the health of a relationship.) Withholders are often described as “unemotional” and rarely use words to express affection or praise. It is difficult to talk to a withholder, as they will generally “shut down” rather than confront unpleasant or difficult situations.
If you chose mostly b’s, your dominant financial personality trait is controlling.
Brad and Shannon, who appear later on, provide a good example of how a partner with a controlling financial personality can significantly damage the relationship. Individuals who are controlling with money also tend to want to control sexual activity, often refusing to have sex unless they initiate it and using sex as a way to manipulate their partner’s ego or self-image. Controllers are more likely to be hoarders, keeping close track of the value of both purchases and investments. They are emotionally very composed and will often walk away from situations that threaten to become heated. An individual with a controlling personality may often boast that they “never argue” in their relationship, and may not realize anything is wrong until the relationship is in crisis.
If you chose mostly c’s, your dominant financial personality trait is impulsive/self-centered.
Those who can’t control their spending or debt are unlikely to be able to control their sexual impulses or emotions. When it comes to finances, impulsive / self-centered personalities are also impulsive overspenders and are often characterized as “irresponsible” by their partners. For instance, an impulsive / self-centered person may not realize that her credit card debt affects her spouse’s credit rating and may unconsciously jeopardize their shared financial security. Impulsive / self-centered individuals are sometimes considered “moody” by their partners because of their habit of switching from one emotion to another without apparent provocation. Sexually, impulsive / self-centered individuals may “overconnect”—being overly flirtatious, sometimes in inappropriate situations—and are often perceived as being overtly sexy in appearance.
If you chose mostly d’s, your dominant financial personality trait is secretive/sneaky.
A closet full of unworn clothes, some with price tags still attached; a mad dash to get the afternoon mail to hide the credit card bills; or a furtive rifle through a spouse’s wallet that’s been left unattended are some of the most obvious signs of the secretive / sneaky financial personality. It’s not a big stretch to imagine that the type of person who would lie to his wife about how much a new stereo costs would have little trouble lying about where he is on the evenings he gets home late from the “office” because he is having dinner (and sex) with a coworker. Secretive / sneaky personality types are generally emotionally repressed and exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors as their way of managing conflicts. This type of individual prefers to wait and see if they are going to be confronted about their behavior, at which point they quickly take a defensive position and return questions with personal attacks of shame and blame projections. The secretive / sneaky personality is constantly trying to balance the thrill of the behavior with the guilt it induces. This type of personality tends to be an over-spender and is at greatest risk of financial, physical, or emotional infidelity simply because they are so lacking in ability to communicate openly and honestly.
If you chose mostly e’s, your dominant financial personality trait is self-sabotaging.
One of the most extreme cases I’ve seen of this self-destructive personality type was my client Sheldon.
When Sheldon lost his business through a string of unfortunate events and questionable decisions, he became convinced that his wife of five years, Cassandra, was staying with him out of pity and was really attracted to men who made a great deal of money. Over and over again, he put her in a dangerous situation—he would encourage her to attend parties with him at the home of their neighbor, an incredibly wealthy man who had a reputation as an incorrigible playboy. Sheldon would encourage his wife to drink heavily at these parties and would make “jokes” with the host about how attractive Cassandra found him. It was only a matter of time until the inevitable happened: Sheldon “caught” a very drunken Cassandra passionately kissing the party’s host. Although she was mortified—and frankly, too drunk to realize what she was doing—Sheldon threw the incident back at her repeatedly until, in a self-fulfilling prophecy, Cassandra decided to leave him, and they found themselves at my office in a last-ditch effort to salvage their relationship.
As in the case above, those with a self-sabotaging financial personality have a self-destructive streak that comes out around money. They may be deeply in debt; they may repeatedly lose their job or jeopardize their self-owned businesses. Underlying this destructive behavior is an attitude that says, “I am a bad person. I deserve these bad things that happen to me.” Self-sabotagers will often “act out” to trigger a crisis in their relationship to “prove” that a successful intimate relationship is something they cannot achieve or maintain. They often hold grudges, expecting that a single hurtful incident will inevitably be followed by others. Sexually, self-sabotaging personalities seek instant gratification without true emotional connection and are often characterized as oversexed.
If you chose mostly f’s, your dominant financial personality trait is open and balanced.
You are not afraid to discuss money and finances with your partner and can easily separate money from emotions. You consciously practice financial fidelity in both your personal life and your relationship, and you have mastered your family legacy of money. Your healthy regard for your partner’s feelings and respect for your shared finances has made you secure and wealthy in both your love life and our bank account.
Warning Signs of Financial Infidelity
When either person in a couple starts using money to try to cover what is missing in themselves (usually from childhood and displaced onto the relationship) or in the relationship, or to “get back at” or manipulate their partner through deceit or omission, they are committing financial infidelity. Whether they are shopping to fill up themselves or the hours left empty by a workaholic spouse, soothing feelings of abandonment or anger by “revenge spending,” or flaunting irresponsible financial behavior as a way of “acting out” and forcing a confrontation, the person committing the financial betrayal is usually highly aware of the behavior and usually feels justified although they also feel guilt and shame.
Just as there are particular warning signs that indicate other troubles in a relationship, certain behaviors are tip-offs that you or your partner is in danger of financial infidelity. You need to consider if there is financial infidelity in your relationship if you or your partner has:
• maxed out credit cards
• excessive credit; always applying for new cards
• recently made or changed a will, without discussion
• bank accounts with cash missing or unaccounted for
• unexplained lawyer or therapy bills
• secret withdrawals from bank account
• unexplained credit card charges or balance transfers
• been secretive about money
• unexplained selling of stocks or bonds
• refused to discuss finances or unopened bills
• practiced “revenge spending” following a fight (the number one romance wrecker)
If you or your partner regularly engages in any of the behaviors above, chances are your relationship is being compromised and is manifesting this dynamic in various ways. Following the seven steps in this book can help you to identify your issues, safely open up lines of communication, and allow you to begin to move toward necessary healing in your relationship.