Step 3: Divest Yourself of the Past

Understanding Your Inherited Money History

As couples negotiate the Power Struggle stage, each conflict provides an opportunity for growth and change. These transition stages give the couple a chance to decide whether they should move on together or whether they should move on to other relationships. Transition stages can happen at any point in a relationship; it doesn’t matter whether you are just beginning to date or have been together for years. Transition stages are usually precipitated by outside changes—things that are sometimes referred to as “life events”—such as deciding whether to move in together, get married, buy a house, have a child, change jobs, or go back to school.

When dealing with transitions in a relationship, several factors come into play. Perhaps the most important of these is your “family of origin.” Simply put, this means the ways your background and upbringing influence your behavior. In every relationship choice you make, from the way you spend money to the type of partner that you choose to be with, your subconscious is urging you to repeat or avoid patterns that were present in your family during your childhood.

In Getting the Love You Want, his seminal book about relationships, Harville Hendrix (under whom I studied) explains that as you search for the ideal mate, you are guided by an unconscious image of a partner that has been forming your entire life. He calls the inner picture the imago, which is a Latin term for “image.” Your imago is a composite of those people who influenced you most at an early age, most commonly your mother and father, grandparents, and sometimes siblings or babysitters or other caregivers or role models. Your brain has stored impressions of all of these people, from the color of their hair to the sound of their voices to the way they smiled and their moods, talents, and interests. Your brain also recorded your significant interactions with them. These stored impressions and interactions are both positive and negative. Your brain did not analyze this data, it simply used it to create a template that you are largely unaware of.

Dr. Hendrix explains that the motivation to find a romantic partner that matches your imago is infused with the urgency of healing childhood wounds. In other words, you will search for a romantic partner who can fulfill the positive parts of your imago as well as compensate for the areas in which you have unfinished childhood business involving formative adults.

I have found Dr. Hendrix’s imago work to be very helpful in getting couples to understand their relationship dynamics around money. From a very early age, money has a role in your life vis-à-vis your family. And how your parents, grandparents, and other significant people in your life behaved with finances plays an important role in developing what I call the financial imago. Using an exercise based on Dr. Hendrix’s reconstruction of your imago, you can uncover the subconscious ways in which you re-create childhood expectations and suffer childhood wounds related to the role of money in your relationship.

In my own life, I can clearly see how my financial imago affected my choice in marrying my first husband.While my father was generous with money, he was also a gambler, so there were times when money was plentiful, and times when money was extremely tight. I admired his generosity, but even as a child could sense the stress when there was not much money in the household budget.It was unsettling sometimes, not to know whether we would be eating steak for dinner that week or subsisting on spaghetti. It really depended on how well his business had done that week. Or more accurately, how well his business had done compared to how well his poker games had gone. Despite this recipe for financial instability, there was no cheapness in my family, but no boundaries, either. When we had money we had it. When we didn’t we didn’t. My parents’ mantra was, “don’t deprive yourself; don’t punish yourselfwhen there’s no money—money will come; you can always make more.”

When I married my first husband, I wildly overcorrected. My first husband didn’t believe in credit cards. He had a lot of savings. He was ambitious. He was so worried around money that he would carry a calculator to the grocery store and tally the items as we put them into the shopping cart. If I went over the budget he would wait until we got to the register and then announce that we had to put something back. His dependence on money as a means of controlprobably was one of the reasons the marriage ended.When he lost his job and his earning power, he may have lost his self-confidence.When I went back to school, got a job, and began making my own money, it may have been hard for him, thus he became emotionally distant and reserved.

If I had realized the importance of acknowledging my family of origin and financial imago at the time I began dating my first husband, I might have seen that we were doomed to clash over financial matters. Now I know that when you marry, you also marry the money behavior of the person. The exercise that follows allows you to explore how your own financial imago was formed. It is based on Dr. Hendrix’s Ten-Step Program for a Conscious Marriage as outlined in Getting the Love You Want.

Exercise: Understanding Your Financial Imago

Part 1

Imagine you have returned to your childhood home as a young child. Re-create a typical day in your home as you interact with your parents, siblings, and other important people. Imagine asking them questions about money (even if such talk was discouraged in your childhood home). Do not imagine how they might respond to you as an adult; hear their answers as if you were still a child. Remember how they respond to these queries and note your emotions in each of these interactions: abandoned, shamed, blamed, angry, sad, happy, or secure. Did your parents tell you they couldn’t afford things? Did they give you everything you asked for, but expect certain behaviors in return? Were they generous with each other?

Step A: List all of the positive impressions you have of money. You don’t need to note what behaviors belong to which individuals; just list as many as you can. Use simple phrases such as, “I want you to have this,” “I love you and you deserve it,” “Saving is responsible,” and so on.

Step B: List all of the negative impressions you recall about money: “triggered fights,” “worried there’s not enough,” “can’t afford to participate,” “ashamed about how my family acted around money,” “used for punishment,” “afraid,” and so on.

Now circle the positive and negative traits that seem to affect you the most in the present. This list of circled traits is your financial imago. Step C: Complete the following sentence: What I wanted most as a child and didn’t get because of money was _____________________. (This answer should be something emotional, rather than material, such as “Attention—my father was always working late.”)

Step D: Complete this sentence: As a child, whenever money was discussed in my family, I had these negative feelings over and over again:_____________________.

Part 2

Step E: List recurring frustrations you experienced as a child that had to do with money. In one column, list the cause, and in another, list your response. For example:

Part 3

Now you will bring all of this information together to analyze how your unfinished childhood business impacts your choice of partner and relationship with money and your partner. Recognizing this hidden agenda will allow you to work with your partner more effectively during the transitional times that strain your relationship, whether married, single, engaged, or living together.

Complete each of the following sentences by filling in the information from above:

I have spent my life searching for a person who has these characteristics in financial interactions: [insert the traits you circled in step A]

When I am with such a person, I am bothered when he or she behaves in the following way when dealing with money: [insert the traits you circled in step B]

I wish that person would give me: [insert your answer from step C]

When I am insecure around money, I have these feelings: [insert your answer from step D]

And I often respond in this way: [insert your answers from step E]

You now have a map of your emotional inherited legacy surrounding money and finances. Link this knowledge to your present or your fantasy of a future partner. Have your partner complete this exercise as well. Defining and acknowledging your financial imago illuminates the hidden agenda around money that you bring to each relationship.

Because I had become aware of my own financial imago during my first marriage, when I began dating my current husband, Jeff, I was immediately aware of how his generosity filled an important ideal for me. When I first met Jeff, I was just getting back into the dating game. I had met several men, all of whom suggested that we go out for a coffee to get to know each other better. Though this was a perfectly reasonable suggestion, to me it felt as if they were unwilling to take a financial risk to get to know me—why should they pay for dinner when the relationship might not work out? When Jeff called to ask me out on a date, he immediately suggested dinner. I had vowed to be more open about money with the men I was dating and so I asked him, “Are you sure you want to buy me dinner? What if we don’t like each other after the date?”

“I have to eat anyway,” he said. “Why not have dinner with you?”

With his answer, Jeff assured me that he was more than willing to take a risk, both financially and emotionally. I immediately was enamored and responded to this sense of generosity.

But we still had work to do as we started to fall in love. Jeff’s financial imago was very different from mine. Where my father was generous, and my mother encouraged me to always take care of myself, even if it meant splurging when money was tight, Jeff’s mother was very thrifty. I remember coming home one day with two shirts that I had spontaneously bought for him. He admired both of them and then told me that I could take one back. I was hurt. Didn’t he like the shirt? He assured me that he did, but it soon became clear that he was very uncomfortable accepting two shirts. His mother would only ever allow him to have one item at a time—and only if it was on sale. In his mind, he didn’t even need a shirt. So while a gift of one might have been acceptable, a gift of two bordered on frivolous and self-indulgent. If I had been less aware of his financial imago, I might have felt hurt and we might have fought. Instead, I was able to talk with him to help him realize that he was worthy of receiving such a gift and that it didn’t cause me any financial pain to give it to him. Now it gives both of us great pleasure to go shopping and have him pick out several of whatever he likes. He has worked out his childhood wound with me, which is why he picked me.

Your family history with money doesn’t simply create your financial imago. This inherited legacy influences most money interactions you have. While your family money history is always with you (we will examine this in depth beginning on page 137), and clearly affects the money relationship you build with your adult partners, the life circumstances that are triggers for conflicts around money are equally important. When a couple is moving through a transition stage in their relationship, how they view money is usually a factor in their decision-making process.

In order to pass through a transition stage in a relationship, while avoiding the harmful behaviors associated with financial infidelity, it is helpful to identify some of the most common life events likely to provoke reasons for change in both the emotional and financial arena.

How to Successfully Negotiate the Top Ten Transitional Financial Stresses

Certain financial events are more likely to trigger transitional events in a relationship. These changes can make either or both partners in a relationship feel more vulnerable. This insecurity can manifest in many damaging behaviors, including financial infidelity. In the midst of any of these events, it is crucial to acknowledge the stressful impact they may have on your life. When you ignore or deny the issues that arise at these times you risk triggering a breakup, but more importantly, you miss the opportunity to successfully transition to a new level of communication and security in your relationship.

1. Becoming engaged or moving in together. Deciding to take your relationship to the next level also means deciding what to do about commingling your finances. I want to stress again that if you cannot discuss finances with your future partner, then you are headed for trouble. Be prepared to discuss prenuptial or cohabitation agreements. Don’t practice magical thinking or expect a person to suddenly change once you are living together. Before you buy—or accept—the ring or call the moving van, you must take the time to talk about the following: How will you handle banking and finances? Will you have separate accounts? If so, how much will each person contribute to joint expenses? What expenses will you consider “joint”? (Vacations? Luxury items? Vehicles?) Do you want to have a written agreement (a prenup)? Do you want to rent or own a home? How much debt are you willing to take on and how much debt have you already accrued?

2. Getting married. Huge weddings can mean that you start your life together deeply in debt. (The first year marriage is already the hardest.) There is also the emotional stress of bringing extended families together (sometimes for the first time). If you are getting married, you should have already addressed some of the big questions above, but don’t forget to think about the literal cost of a wedding. Here are some things you should consider before you set the date: How much are you willing to spend? Will family help to defray the costs? Who will pay for what? What is more important—a lavish wedding or a large guest list? Can you afford to host a large wedding? Have a rehearsal dinner? How important is an expensive dress? A large bridal party? How important is location? Decor? Would you rather have a lavish wedding or an exotic honeymoon—or both?

3. Having a baby. The impending arrival of a child, whether through pregnancy or adoption, raises a host of emotional and financial issues. A surprising number of the couples I see argue vehemently about how much money is spent on the children. Before the child arrives, be sure to discuss with your partner the short- and long-term costs of raising a child, including: Are you willing to pay for fertility treatments if necessary? How will you budget for adoption if you choose to build a family in that way? Will one or both of you return to work after the child arrives? What type of child care do you expect to need? Will you need to purchase a new, or second, car? How important is it to buy new clothing, furniture, and other things for the baby—or will hand-me-downs be fine? What will you do if the child has special needs? What kind of education do you hope to provide? If private schools, how will you budget? How do you plan to save for college? Remember, also, that bringing a child into a relationship may trigger fears of abandonment or cause resentment. Talk about what it will cost to maintain emotional closeness: Will you be able to go out for date nights? Will you be able to afford an occasional romantic getaway for two?

4. Job loss. The loss of a job is stressful even when both individuals in the relationship are employed. The emotional impact on self-esteem cannot be underestimated, particularly for those who tie their personal worth to their net worth. When faced with the financial stress of a job loss, it is critical for couples to work together to support each other emotionally and financially. Ideally everyone should have six to eight months’ worth of living expenses put away in cash in case of unemployment. If not, the best way to deal with the stress is to avoid blame and plan together how to adjust financially. Important questions to consider include: What cash is immediately available for living expenses? What expenses are you able to cut in the short term? In the long term? What is the most practical way to search for a new job, in terms of both career and financial security? Can the other partner increase earnings to help with any shortfall? How will you present your financial situation to friends or family? Are you willing to ask for help from family or friends? What plan can you make to keep your credit under control while funds are restricted?

5. Midlife. This is an equal-opportunity crisis and both women and men can suffer similarly strong reactions to this life passage. When either partner is struggling with making a next step in life there are serious financial considerations that should be discussed: What are your plans for retirement? How do you see your life together in your golden years? How much help do your children expect from you? Are you willing to relocate? If you leave your established career, will you be able to find other work at a financial level that will sustain your family and/or lifestyle? Are you willing to make a change in your lifestyle to support a major change?

6. Changes in earning status (retirement, promotion, etc.). Losing a job is not the only reason couples can face money stress. Any change in income may become a catalyst for discussion, disagreement, or change. If you are facing retirement or anticipating an increase in income consider the following: How will your spending and saving patterns be affected? Will your control over free time change? How do you plan to spend free time? Are there new hobbies or travel plans that call for review of your existing budget? If retiring, what areas will you be saving in (clothes for work, lunches out, transportation expenses)? Where might expenses increase (club memberships, travel plans, social events)? If you are receiving a promotion or increase in salary, are you planning on giving yourself a material reward for your achievement (a new watch, an important piece of jewelry, a new high-tech toy)? Are there any new costs associated with your promotion? Is there anything you have been saving for that you plan to acquire or change immediately?

7. Illness or chronic conditions. Chronic conditions affecting mental or physical health—whether yours, your partner’s, or close family members’—may strain your financial resources. Take steps ahead of time to ensure that you are protected if an unexpected health issue should arise. Do you have sufficient health insurance? Do you have disability insurance? Have you planned for long-term care before you need it? What can you do if you or your partner is forced to stop working, either for a short time or permanently? If you have a child with a chronic issue are you prepared to budget for any necessary support that is not available through public agencies?

8. Divorce. There is no denying that divorce is expensive for both parties. Often I see couples where the man is demanding a divorce and it comes out in therapy that he feels trapped by his responsibilities to his wife and family. He may think that divorcing will allow him the freedom to selfishly pursue his own interests. He may tell me that he plans to buy a new sports car, or a boat, or admit that it has become a financial strain to support both a wife and a girlfriend and that he has decided to spend more on the girlfriend. But the truth of the matter is that cold, hard numbers don’t lie. Once the costs of divorce lawyers, child support, alimony, division of assets, and so on have been calculated, many men hoping to save money by getting a divorce realize that, in fact, their standard of living is likely to go down—especially those who are planning to swap wife for girlfriend. I always tell them it is basic math: supporting two families is more expensive than supporting one. It may surprise you to find out that, for some couples I counsel, the financial costs associated with ending their marriage are high enough to cause them to decide to attempt reconciliation. Their anger sometimes is intensified by lawyers’ battles and precludes them from seeing the “good” and the foundation of their marriage. I never encourage couples to stay together simply because of money or children, but some do decide to stay together using the excuse that they do not want to alter their lifestyles. Through money they can decide to see “their love.” If you are considering divorce, don’t forget to consider the financial repercussions: Do you have a prenup or postnup? What expenses will arise to care for your children over the long term? Will you make or lose money on the sale of shared assets? And, perhaps more importantly—are fights over money one of the driving factors in seeking to end your relationship? (Because if they are, believe me, the fights will not end once you are divorced!)

9. Aging parents. For the boomer generation in particular, the care for aging parents has become a transitional stage trigger. If you or your partner anticipates having to become financially responsible for the care and well-being of your parents as they age it is important that you make predetermined decisions about the level of monetary support you are willing to commit. Be sure to consider the following: Are you and/or your siblings willing or able to help? Would your partner welcome your parents to share your home? Would you welcome your partner’s parents? Are you counting on receiving an inheritance? What will happen if your parents are forced to spend their savings in their later years? Don’t let family money history stop you from discussing this important topic with your parents, either. Some important questions for you to ask include: Do they have plans in place for their care as they age? Will their Social Security and/or Medicaid benefits be sufficient for their living and health expenses? Are they willing to spend their savings and investments (and your potential inheritance) on maintaining their quality of life as they age?

10. Death. It is sobering to think about how much money is related to death. I’ve heard many stories of families that were torn apart over the death of a parent and ensuing sibling squabbles over inheritance and wills. Understandably, no one wants to talk about what will happen when a loved one dies—or what will happen when they themselves are gone—but it is important to make sure that your affairs are in order. For some couples I counsel, having this discussion leaves them with a greater sense of security about their financial future and removes some of the stresses they may feel about providing for their families. When talking about how death may affect your relationship financially consider some of the following: Are you expecting to receive an inheritance from your parents? Will you be able to live on it during retirement? How important is it for you to leave an inheritance to your children? Consider, too, that money is not the only legacy you can leave after your death. A great exercise to help you prioritize when getting your affairs in order is to draft what is called an “ethical will.” An ethical will is not a legal document, but rather a very personal legacy. It is a written document that allows you to share your values and life lessons, to describe your hopes and dreams for the future, and to share blessings, love, and forgiveness with your family and friends. An ethical will can be written at any time and to anyone. It can be shared while you are still alive, or you may put it with your final effects to be read after you have died. For more information about ethical wills, go to www ..

An important point to realize in making decisions about these transitions is that each individual is strongly influenced by perceptions and preconceptions derived from their family histories. Asking the types of questions above will not just reveal how your partner wants to use money, but, if you listen carefully, you will be able to learn why your partner chooses to use money in certain ways.

Daniel and his wife, Caroline, came to see me when their discussions about whether or not to have a child had triggered Daniel to begin an affair and pushed their relationship to the edge. They were at the point of deciding whether or not they should separate.

“I’m not that young anymore,” Caroline said. “If we’re going to have a child, we have to have one soon. But Daniel won’t commit.”

“She doesn’t seem to understand what a huge step having a kid would be,” Daniel said. “All I want her to think about is the kind of lifestyle changes we will have to make. She loves to take expensive vacations and go shopping at the mall, but that will all have to stop.”

“I’ve told you time and time again that I’m willing to change all of that if we have a baby,” Caroline said.

The more Daniel talked, the more apparent it became that he felt backed into a corner by her insistence. His wife was so adamant about her desire to have a baby that he felt like he didn’t have a choice. As we continued the session,Daniel admitted that he thought that having a baby meant he would lose his freedom.

It wasn’t until I asked him to talk about his family that Daniel was able to consider how his childhood had negatively affected how he perceived the interrelationship between freedom and money and choice.

When Daniel was going away to college, his mother had refused to pay for his first choice of school because his brother was going to the same college and she wanted him to find a less expensive choice. His mother told him that she would only support him financially if he did what she said. He felt that he had no choice in his future and vowed that he would always have enough money, that no one could tell him what to do or control him through money. He worked hard and became a success, but even today his mother still attempts to control him, claiming that he owes his success to her financial backing and that he has no choice but to take care of her as a way of paying her back.

When Caroline talked about planning for the expense of a baby, Daniel immediately felt as if she was trying to limit his money, thus his freedom. He began looking for ways in which he could make a choice to do what he wanted.Having an affair was a natural progression because it allowed him to both be free of responsibility and act out some of the resentment he had against his mother.

Once Caroline understood the tangled legacy of finances, freedom, and emotional responsibility that Daniel had inherited from his mother, she was able to find the empathy to forgive him for the affair. In subsequent sessions they worked at untangling the strong emotions Daniel had attached to money from the choice about planning a family together.

When you are able to recognize and respect the historical emotional context acting as the force behind you and your partner’s decision-making processes, you will be able to consciously divest yourself of inherited patterns and learn to work together to arrive at a joint solution. When both partners share an understanding of each other’s past experiences they are able to both initiate and participate in financial discussions, especially during times of difficult transitions when most growth can occur. Working through these challenges together reaffirms each person’s courage and commitment to the relationship.

Your Family Moneygram

Change cannot happen in a vacuum. Unless you become aware of your inherited triggers around money matters, you can find your relationship stuck in an endless loop of Transition stage to Power Struggle stage to new transition to new power struggle. Eventually, deeply frustrated, but not knowing how to end the cycle, you or your partner may decide to simply end the relationship. Not just knowing why you or your partner reacts in a particular way to hot-button money topics but taking specific actions can help you empathize, negotiate, and compromise through Smart Heart dialogue. When you approach a discussion about money during a transition stage you will be better able to safely express your old wounds and fears and then lovingly work together to attain shared goals. You and your partner, with help from your parents, should both complete the following Family Moneygram, which allows you to uncover the repetitive patterns that you may have unknowingly inherited. Analyzing these “money scripts” that have been handed down from generation to generation can help you to change your legacy from unconscious to conscious and your relationships to money from incompatible to compatible and hand down a different legacy to your children!

This moneygram is derived from a way of charting family history known as a “genogram.” The genogram, a graphic tool designed to provide a diagram of familial relationship patterns, was developed by Murray Bowen, MD, and named by Philip Guerin, Jr., MD (under whom I studied). I use the Family Genogram in my work with couples that are struggling to understand why their relationship is susceptible to affairs or other triangles involving money. The genogram allows these couples to trace patterns of abandonment, separation, distancing, and so on, in their family history. I have adapted it below for you to use as a tool for discovering patterns and opening up conversation about familial relationships to money and finance.

How to Use the Moneygram

Begin by recording information about you and your siblings. Do they have successful careers? Are any married? Have any been divorced? Any remarried? Are you aware of any financial infidelities? Has anyone claimed bankruptcy? Are they savers? Spenders? Are they risk takers or very cautious? Do any of them have financial arrangements such as prenups or trust funds?

Work backward, answering the same questions for your parents, then your aunts and uncles, then your grandparents and even great-grandparents. You should initiate discussions with your family in order to find out necessary information, even if you think you already know the answers. Don’t be surprised if it is difficult to get them to open up to you about their finances and money behaviors. Ask them about expectations, disappointments, and fears. Try to find out how your family communicated about money. Learn who controls the money, who earns it, who spends it. Try to find out how they perceive marriage and money.

Don’t be surprised if these conversations are challenging. Money can be a taboo topic in any relationship. In many families, part of the money legacy is associated with shame and guilt, or is too private to discuss. Be gently persistent and listen with an open mind and without judgment to what family members may share with you. Ask them what they would have liked money to mean to them in their relationship or life. In what ways would they have liked to change their relationships or marriage in relationship to money? You may find it helpful to share your reasons for asking, “My husband [or wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or fiancé] and I have hit a rough spot in dealing with some financial issues [or are getting serious about our relationship and want to avoid money problems in the future]. We need to understand and change how we relate to each other about money and I’m hoping you can help me search for patterns in my past that will help us.”

Using the chart on page 140 as a sample, note your answers in abbreviated form. You may be surprised to see certain patterns emerging. See if you notice instances in which money was part of a triangle for members of your family. For example, your parents may have grown closer over spending money on the children. On the other hand, perhaps you find a family dynamic where partners were distanced over spending money—perhaps in spending on an older family member. Consider how money acted to dilute or avoid other issues in these relationships. What do you think would have happened if money had been taken out of the equation? Has money acted as a stand-in for other needs?

These symbols allow you to note the money behaviors and relationship dynamics for several generations of your family. Feel free to add your own, as needed. Talk to your parents, grandparents, and other family members as you complete your Family Moneygram following the examples that my husband, Jeff, and I provide. When you have finished, create a chart (see example) to help you analyze patterns around money, love, and sex in your family history. This analysis will allow you to predict, prevent, overcome, and solve money behaviors now or in the future.

Analysis of Dr. Bonnie’s and Dr. Jeff’s Moneygrams

This chart allows you to see at a glance how you and your partner’s family history of money compare. Even if you think you each have very different money styles, you may be surprised to see how much overlap there is when you study several generations of your families. As you see from my example, Jeff and I have a (rare) conscious and compatible money marriage—one where our financial imagos (the same) are different from our emotional imagoes (different)—as did several generations of our family members. What about yours? Most couples have opposite financial imagos. Use this information to open a discussion with your partner. Do you have a conscious money marriage? Most couples are attracted to each other because their financial and emotional imagoes are different (opposites attract). Can you see patterns of overcorrection or compensation that have been handed down through the generations? How has your family legacy around money affected your own relationship to money—and to your partner’s money behaviors?

When you are finished with your moneygram chart, take another piece of paper and follow the instructions below to better understand how these patterns of money behavior continue to affect your life and relationships today. Prompt your partner to recall their own Money Tree memories.

• First, list the money dialogues that have been handed down through the generations in your family and how these dialogues affected your family. My father said, “You can always make more money.”

• Note how you have perceived these messages. I heard: “You don’t have to worry about money; there will always be plenty.”

• Take these real and perceived dialogues and match them to the money behaviors you observed in your family. Despite my father’s philosophy that there would always be money, there were often times when we did not have enough money for preferred groceries.

• Think about what message you wish you had received. I wish my father had said, “Even though we can always make more money, it’s important to put some aside.”

• Finally, analyze how these admittedly mixed messages and actions have influenced your choice of romantic partner. In what ways, both positive and negative, have your relationships reflected these messages?

For instance, after I completed my own Family Moneygram, I noticed that the money dialogue was similar on both my maternal and my paternal side for more three generations. I inherited a strong legacy that money was for fun, to be used generously, not to be worried about. I believed that saving was not a priority, and that money would continue to flow. My family passed down the philosophy that it was important to “live for today.” It is interesting to note that Jeff and I “pay ourselves first” by setting aside a portion of our income before using the balance to pay bills or purchase “treats.” Due to my legacy this has proven to be the most effective method to ensure that we save.

In my first marriage, I chose a man I thought was very generous. He spent lavishly on me in the honeymoon stage, which reminded me of my father, plus he saved and did not have credit cards, which I admired. Looking at my family legacy, it is clear why I picked him. Once we married, however, I began to see that he was actually very thrifty. (He resented when I stopped working in order to attend grad school, practice family therapy training, and obtain my PhD because it meant I would stop being the main breadwinner and he would have to step up his financial responsibility.) Clearly, he did not share the same philosophy toward spending that I did. As a result we had many conflicts over money as I began to resent the very things I had first admired, and ultimately our marriage ended in divorce. It was during our divorce that I first became aware of the trust-shattering impact of financial infidelity. When I began to talk about divorce, my then-husband secretly withdrew all of our money from our shared bank account. At that moment, it became clear how important money was to him in the context of a relationship—and perhaps more importantly, how ultimately unimportant it was to me.

When I met my current husband, Jeff, I was aware of my financial imago and so I knew I had to ask him a lot of questions about his family’s history with money. Because of the financial infidelity in my first marriage, I made sure to use Smart Heart dialogue when talking about finances and money with Jeff. I found that we shared an inherited attitude toward money and that while Jeff’s mother was frugal (unlike my mother, but very much like my maternal grandmother), his father and my father shared very similar money dialogues. Because Jeff and I understand our family legacy around money, we were able to work toward a conscious money marriage.

Your Family Financial Legacy

Looking back at my family history, I see that my first exposure to financialinfidelity occurred when I was quite young. I can remember my grandmothercoming downstairs dressed to the nines in a brand new dress.

“Is that new, Dearie?” my grandfather asked. “It looks very nice on you.”

“Oh, this old thing?” she responded. “I’ve had it in my closet forever. Just never had the occasion to wear it.”

As a youngster, I was confused. Grandma was clearly lying. And we had always been taught that lying was bad.

When I was older and had studied family of origin as part of my training,I came to realize that Grandma—who had often told me stories of her miserly father—couldn’t accept how generous Grandpa was. Even though they really couldn’t afford splurges like new dresses, he was always glad to see that she had bought herself something. But despite her husband’s generous nature, she continued to live in guilt and fear that she’d be “found out” whenever she bought anything she considered frivolous.

The money legacy passed down another generation, to my mother, who never wanted to ask my very generous father for money. Instead they developeda “game” where my mother would help herself to all the change that was left in my father’s pants pockets at the end of the day. My father, fully aware of her sneaking extra spending money, always made sure there was cash in his pockets at the end of the day. He never mentioned it was missing, and she never had to confess to taking it.

From them, I learned the art of financial omission.

Of course, my brother and I inherited our own financial legacies. In my first marriage, I married a man who saved in a way my father never could. (In fact, my father often borrowed money from my brother, who was good at saving from the very early age of seven.)

From one generation of financial infidelity to another, our family legacy was unconsciously handed down until I learned the truth about financial infidelityand how it damages a marriage—or any relationship.

Whether it is conscious or unconscious, your financial legacy impacts your relationship. In order to forge a safe and loving connection when making decisions around money, it is important to recognize and let go of all expectations, hurts, and fears that constitute your family legacy, and may prevent you from initiating talks about money with your partner. If you were raised to believe that it is “shameful” to talk about money, you may have a particularly difficult time safely communicating with your partner about the feelings and emotions you attach to money. The following exercise is designed to help you feel more comfortable about discussing what money means to you, both in terms of your family of origin and in terms of defining the money legacy you will pass down to your own children.

Exercise: Family Letters

These letters are meant to be shared with your partner in order to help him or her understand how your family history with money has influenced your emotional responses to the role of money in a relationship and to share the legacy of financial fidelity that you hope to pass along to your children. You may decide whether or not to actually send them to your parents and children.

Letter to a parent: Write a letter to your parents telling them how the money dynamic in your household affected you as you were growing up. Recall instances where you felt punished or rewarded around money. Explain how this has influenced your current relationship with your partner when discussing or handling money. Do not blame or vent angrily: simply share the feelings—whether positive or negative—that come up when you revisit the role and power of money in your childhood.

If there is a particular incident that has special power for you, revisit it in this letter. For example, in my money letter to my parents, I recalled a confrontation between my parents over money that resonated with me for many years. It was not until I was an adult and working through my family legacy that I understood the full significance of this incident. It was prom time, and my boyfriend and I were going to both my school’s prom and his. My mother took me shopping for a dress and when I found two beautiful gowns she insisted that I get both, even though they were equally expensive. When we got home, my father was furious. He wanted to know why I would need two dresses—after all, the dances were at two different schools, no one would know. But my mother stood her ground, insisting that I needed both. At the time I was confused and distressed. I could have worn the same dress, but it seemed terribly important to my mother that I have two. At the same time, my father wasn’t angry with me or accusing me of being greedy, but he seemed inexplicably angry with my mother for spending so lavishly on me, rather than getting herself something.

When I shared my money letter with my parents, their responses allowed me to understand why the situation was so fraught. My mother’s mother had grown up during the Depression and, as a result, was incredibly thrifty. She rarely spent money, and would never consider giving in to what seemed to her to be an indulgence. My mother told me how, in high school, she had made the cheerleading squad—an achievement she had been proud of—and when she excitedly told her mother that she would need a uniform so she could cheer at the games, my grandmother refused to buy her one. It wasn’t something she “needed.” From that moment on, my mother swore that she would never let money interfere with the dreams of her own children. My grandmother’s withholding caused my mother to overcorrect with me and this legacy of financial infidelity continued for yet another generation as it affected my first marriage.

And my father’s strong response? I learned that he was compensating for the extreme guilt he felt over an affair that he was carrying on—and that my mother likely knew about. As long as he could see that she was indulging herself—spending his money in ways that might be considered frivolous—he felt she was tacitly absolving him of his guilt.

For much of my young adult life, I had felt guilty that I had made my father angry and that I had somehow deprived my mother by allowing her to buy me two dresses. The fact of the matter was that it was not about me at all, but about the relationship between my parents and their own inherited family legacy of money. The same is true when it comes to Jeff and the story of the two shirts.

Letter to your children: Write a letter to your children telling them everything you know about how the family finances affect them. Explain how you have prioritized spending for the family. Let them know what you plan to leave them as a financial inheritance and whether or not you expect them to become financially independent. Express any hopes you have about how they might take care of you financially as you age. Write down the things you believe are positive about money. Tell them the things that you believe are negative about money. Be honest. Remember: you can choose whether or not to show this letter to your children—now, or ever.

Greg and his wife, Debbie, came to see me after she found out that he had been having an affair. She had been suspicious of various expenses and the amount of time he had been spending at work, but whenever she questioned him he would lie to her. She pointed out that whenever he was caught in a lie, he would immediately give her some incredibly expensive gift and make dramaticpromises—none of which he ever kept—about how he would change. Debbie was ready to divorce him. She told me that she doubted she would ever be able to fill the emptiness that he claimed he felt. Over the course of many sessions, it became apparent that instead of participating in a marriage, Greg was essentially reenacting his childhood relationship with his mother.

When his mother had found out about a string of affairs his father had carried on for most of the marriage, she divorced him and received a huge settlement. Greg was sent to live with her, but she was bipolar and treated him terribly.He admitted that he never knew if she was going to be generous and lavishhim with gifts—or even whisk him away on a trip to Paris for dinner with her adult friends—or be distant and critical or ignore him, at times sending him off to an expensive boarding school, where she would occasionally send spectacular gifts to make up for leaving him there over holidays.

During therapy, Greg realized that he began his first affair at the same age his father was when he first cheated on his mother. After that affair, Greg began spending a lot of money on Debbie, apologizing with jewelry or exoticvacations. He also began buying large items for himself: cars, houses, and the latest technology.

As I helped him to see that he was attempting to fill himself up with money and material objects to comfort old childhood wounds, Greg was able to cut back on his workaholic hours (he would often spend fourteen to sixteen hours a day at his office) and end his latest affair. Debbie encouraged him to stop “apologizing” with material gifts and to instead spend time and emotionon their relationship.

As this case study clearly illustrates, your perception of how money was used in your childhood has a direct bearing on how emotionally loaded money is for you as an adult. Unless you are able to acknowledge your family money history, you will be unable to truly understand the role that money plays in all aspects of your relationship and how it affects romantic love, sex, power, control, and self-esteem.

When Money Talks

We all carry family legacies that influence our choices and behaviors. The generational chorus of emotional input is already a significant internal dialogue to recognize and address. Don’t let your family legacy with money add to the background noise. If the money ghost of past generations starts whispering in your ear, you need to announce your independence from the financial infidelities of your family tree.

• “Doesn’t your partner sound like your father sounded when he criticized your mother for spending so much on an outfit?”

• “You’ve been trying to get more of me your whole life. How can you just stand by while your partner just throws me away?”

• “You never had enough of me when you were growing up and you don’t deserve to have me now.”

• “You don’t have to be financially responsible now; when your parents die you will get lots of me.”

Smart Heart Dialogue for Sharing Emotional and Financial History

It is important to remember when you embark on these dialogues that the desired outcome is attachment and change in the relationship. Don’t give up if the change is not exactly what you had hoped for or doesn’t follow your personal script. You can get through the newness and continue to use these dialogues to provide opportunities for greater growth for both yourself and your partner. Relationships should not be stagnant. Welcome change!

Smart Heart Dialogue for Dating Singles

When you are beginning to date, finding out how a person’s family treated money can be very revealing. Understanding the type of money habits that have been ingrained from a young age can illuminate financial behaviors that—depending on how one’s family viewed money—could trigger conflict. Remember that many of these types of discussions are usually prompted by a transition in a relationship.

Case #1:

What he says: “Why are there a bunch of shopping bags stuffed in the back of the closet?”

What he may mean: “If you’re hiding this from me, what else are you hiding?”

The Smart Heart reply: “I can understand your concern since money is tight. When you tell me you think that I have spent too much it reminds me of how my father used to control my mother’s spending on personal items. I need you to work on helping me feel safe and not controlled, so I’ll spend less.”

Case #2:

What he says: “If we move in together, do we split all the bills equally?”

What he may mean: “I make more than you do and I think it would be fair to split all joint expenses on a percentage basis.”

The Smart Heart reply: “Thanks for understanding that moving in together would mean my expenses would greatly increase if we split fifty-fifty. But I would like us both to contribute equally to a fund that we could use for fun and play. That way we can make shared decisions about how that money is spent.”

Case #3:

What he says: “It seems I overspent while we were on vacation together. Would you mind lending me some money?”

What he may mean: “I’ve invested quite a bit in this relationship already by taking you out and spending money on vacations; the least you can do is help me out when I’m in a tight spot.”

The Smart Heart reply: “I understand how much you spent on me and I thank you for that. Since you agreed to pay for things I didn’t plan on spending that much. If I knew ahead of time, I would have budgeted. Please help me by understanding this.”

Smart Heart Dialogue for a Money Tree Memory

The conflict: “I need to use some of our savings to cover my mother’s medical bills.”

“I thought you promised we could buy a new car? Our old one is not nice at all.”

The struggle: “Do you mean I should abandon my mother?” The fear: “I’m afraid of spending all our savings on your mother. We barely have enough for ourselves. What will happen in the future?”

The Smart Heart Reply: “I know you worry about money. And I know you feel like you never had enough when you were growing up. I will show you how to trust me. I don’t want to abandon my mother the way my father abandoned me and I promise I won’t abandon you.”

Smart Heart Dialogue For Married and Committed Couples

Even though you may feel you know your partner’s family as well as you know your own, you may not truly understand how ingrained family money behaviors have been passed down from generation to generation. Emotional reactions to money conflicts can often be traced back to inherited beliefs around money and finances.

Case #1:

What she says: “Is it necessary for you to review my credit card bill each month?”

What she may mean: “It feels like you’re checking up on me and I feel resentful. I don’t want to be in a parent/child dynamic (“Mother may I . . . ?”) with you. I don’t want to sneak purchases but I feel afraid that you will blame me for overspending.”

The Smart Heart reply: “I love you and I am in this relationship with you for the long haul. Your needs and desires matter to me. I want you to feel safe, nurtured, loved, and heard by me unconditionally.”

Case #2:

What he says: “You seem to make a big deal about our kids’ birthday parties. You spend so much on them. Why do they need a big party at all?”

What he may mean: “Money is serious. It should not be used lightly for fun. We need to save it for a rainy day.”

The Smart Heart reply: “I understand that you want us to have enough money for a rainy day. It reminds me of my mother’s fears growing up during the Depression—she always worried that we wouldn’t have enough and never let us buy things she considered frivolous. But we can celebrate important events in ways that are fun and still have enough money to live on.”

Case #3

What she says: “We can’t afford to go on vacation with your parents again this year. Last year, they made us pay for our share of the house, even though they had invited us as their guests.”

What she may mean: “Why can’t you stand up to your family and stick to our plan? I can’t count on you or your family to keep your word, and when I protest, you always make me do your dirty work.”

The Smart Heart reply: “I know it’s important to you that we always discuss changes in plans that will involve money. Even though my family can be casual about these things, I understand that you will feel better when we stick to our own plan, and I will do so. Thanks for teaching me. I can see that my family does try to manipulate me around money. But I was raised to believe that plans are made to be changed, and that being flexible around money is a good thing.”

Smart Heart Jump Starts for a New Beginning

Now that you are aware of your family history with money and can identify the emotional triggers that can precipitate or escalate conflict about money, the following Smart Heart skills allow you to evaluate your reactions to financial scenarios and safely share the source of your emotional response. These tools will encourage you to be empathetic while experiencing life events associated with potential financial stresses and help you to work together to keep your relationship strong as you successfully negotiate change and reach common goals:

• Go counterintuitive. When you find yourself tempted to express a knee-jerk reaction to a particular financial scenario, stop yourself and instead see how it changes your relationship to react in the opposite manner. For instance, if you usually protest, “Oh, that’s too expensive; you shouldn’t spend that much,” when your partner brings you an unexpected gift, the next time you receive a spontaneous present, instead respond, “Thank you so much. I am learning it’s okay to allow myself such a treat.”

• Appreciate change. Embrace the messiness that signals these periods of transition. Really listen to your partner’s “script” and understand what that person is asking for. Talk honestly about ways in which compromise can help you resolve your issues. Don’t be tied to old patterns of behavior, no matter how deeply they are entrenched.

• Coach each other and reward each other for changes that are sustained.Be patient when navigating a transition. If your partner continues to act in predictable, unproductive ways, remind him that he needs to try stepping outside of his comfort zone to try a new approach to a familiar situation or disagreement. Reward changes in behavior in ways that are significant to the person that has made the change.

• Announce your triggers. Sometimes disagreements about money can trigger sensitivity from a time before you and your partner met. When you find yourself becoming upset over how your partner is handling money, do not expect that she or he will understand why you are reacting in a particular manner. Announce how her or his behavior is affecting you.

• Embrace the positive and step away from the negative. When your relationship becomes particularly stressed, or arguments become heated during times of transition, be sure to remind yourself of what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Avoid focusing on the person’s negative qualities and imagine how good your relationship will be when you work together and successfully come out on the other side of a rough patch.

A Contract for Financial Fidelity

In order to be conscious of—and work to avoid—harmful inherited patterns surrounding love and money in our relationship, we agree to:

• Be conscious of each person’s love and money maps. Respect that many of your partner’s opinions about money and relationships were formed well before the two of you ever became a couple. Make an honest effort to know the truth about each other’s family background and how your parents and other family members dealt with emotion, fidelity, and finances.

• Expect change and prepare for it. Do not be anxious about changes that will inevitably occur in your relationship. Think of opportunities for change as gifts that will allow you to continue to grow closer and more intimate in your relationship.

• Appreciate change and use it to our relationship’s advantage.Realize that each opportunity for change is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and promote greater intimacy. Honest communication—especially about tough topics and in hard times— is important in the continued evolution of any relationship.

• Avoid “coasting.” Don’t avoid the difficult topics in order to keep the surface of your relationship smooth. Passion and turmoil often go hand in hand. Acknowledging the difficulties of a transition and coming together to arrive at a solution may not always be easy, but positive, cooperative changes will always add depth, strength, and renewed romance to your bond.

• Continue to respond in new ways and try different solutions.Challenge yourself to respond to your partner in unexpected ways. Ask yourself if you are locked in a pattern that prevents transitional change. Assess whether fear is limiting your responses and be willing to talk about these anxieties openly with your partner.